by Brad Bollenbach, August 1, 2007

Flirting

I’ve travelled all over the world, from New York to Cape Town, Rio de Janeiro to Tokyo. I’ve had the privilege of working with brilliant minds. A few years ago I learned French, and mastered the language well enough to speak in horrible slang with a fully authentic accent. I bought my first house not even 72 hours after my first ever house-shopping expedition, and only hours before I was due on a plane to Australia.

But the single most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done was to make a habit of talking to strangers.

Nothing has changed my world view, and my life, more than taking the risk of saying “Hi” to people I don’t know on a regular basis. Whether I’m walking down a busy shopping street, longboarding in the park, or out at a nightclub, I see every moment that I’m out in the world as a chance to meet new people.

How to Become a Social Skydiver

I can’t help but geek out on almost everything I do. Dating, relationships, and social circle building are no exception. I set goals in those areas and take action to achieve them. Here’s the recipe I use for bringing new people into my life, whether it’s making new friends around common interests, meeting women, or making business contacts.

  1. Figure out what you want. What kind of social life do you want? What kind of people do you want to meet? Do you want a serious girlfriend or something more casual? Knowing what you want helps you focus on spending your social time in productive ways.
  2. Smallchunk it. Start with smaller daily or weekly goals to propel you in the right direction. For example, a few years ago I decided to give up online dating forever, and meet girls only through real world means. I started by going out and just making eye contact with girls in the street, too shy to even open my mouth. I worked my way up to deeper interactions in various social situations. These days, I can go from no love life whatsoever to dating in a week or two.
  3. Let go of your ego. I’ve been told to “Fuck off!” I’ve been ignored. I’ve been brushed off in dramatic fashion. I’ve also met and dated women of unique vintage and beauty. When you take the risk of talking to someone you don’t know, rejection is the only certainty. But failure is exciting–it’s a chance to learn and improve. There’s a name for guys who never get rejected by women, never say the wrong thing, and never have their ego bruised by the opposite sex: Internet Porn Connaisseurs.
  4. Get out of your house! Don’t spend months trying to get past step #1. Even if you’re not sure exactly what you want, get out of your house and start opening up to the world. Motivation follows action, and experience will help inform your objectives.

How to Approach People

I prefer to keep my conversations fairly organic. I don’t like coming in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way, in my experience, is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment.

What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.

If you’ve never done this before, you may get brushed off several, even dozens of times until you get really comfortable being yourself in front of other people. Attractive women are highly socialized. A girl can sense your nervousness and anticipated rejection, and will take no prisoners when shooting you down.

That’s okay. It’s normal. Pat yourself on the back for having the balls to do what 95% of men around the world couldn’t do if their life depended on it. Then move on to the next one.

What I’ve Learned from Talking to Strangers

Talking to strangers has, literally, changed my world view and my life. It’s taught me so many things that I could never have learned from a book. Here’s what I’ve taken away from my experiences thus far:

  • People don’t bite. A lot of people are really open to conversation. In fact, you’d be amazed at how many girls will be practically overjoyed that you came and talked to them, as if they’ve been waiting for you to approach them.
  • Rejection is no big deal. I can’t repeat this enough. Still, fear of rejection will be the main reason why guys don’t go out and try this. If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome sex life. Period.
  • Authenticity is the silver bullet. An honest individuality is the most magnetic of human qualities. But keep in mind that buying a girl a drink and showering her with compliments is not being sweetly authentic; it’s saying “I want to sleep with you.”
  • The people around you aren’t watching. And, even when they are, it’s usually in shock and awe, rather than because they’re laughing at you.
  • Other guys will get out of your way. You’ll be amazed how often other guys simply fade into the background when you approach their female friends.

I could go on, but ultimately it comes down to you experiencing it for yourself.

One Approach a Day

If you’re still terrified by the idea of talking to strangers, I’d recommend one specific challenge to get you started, which I’ve done myself: Talk to one stranger a day, every day, for 30 days.

If you’re walking past a girl on the sidewalk, say “Hi”, and she looks at you and keeps walking (done that many times), your job is done for the day. If you walk up to a girl in a club and say “Hey!”, and she responds, with a slightly grossed out look “I have a boyfriend.”, congratulations, you’re one step closer to improving your love life. The point of this exercise is to get you used to talking to people you don’t know and form the habit of being more social.

Talking to strangers will change your life. You’ll meet new people every day, you’ll give yourself control over your social and love life, and you’ll experience firsthand the joy of living dangerously.



Comments
Gene Wilson on August 1st, 2007 at 7:29 pm #

I talk to strangers everywhere. It is an opportunity to connect with people. I feel so alive when I am out of my head and ego and honestly enjoying others as well as myself.

Gene

Chinese Dragon on August 2nd, 2007 at 6:55 am #

I always feel a bit nervous talking to people I don’t know very well, especially if they start the conversation. I can never think of what to talk about, but now I realize that’s because I’m talking to the wrong people. If I just said Hi more often I’d find more of the right people.

unxzst on August 2nd, 2007 at 10:15 am #

honesty is the best policy.
the hardest part is figuring out exactly what you want, everything else is easy! main thing is never fear. conversation will suggest itself.
people are generally open and friendly, it is sort of this positive energy that is being passed around and added to every time you say “Hi!”
as per talking to the right people…it may not be the right place or time, some people may be preoccupied with something else…stuff happens, too!

Miklos Hollender on August 2nd, 2007 at 4:35 pm #

I have a strange question: how do I find out whether I actually WANT to do it? Whether I actually want to have a sexual life and so on?

Because I generally think I’m an intellectual, I live in the realm of ideas and have no need to talk to common people or to take part in physical activities like sex.

That could be a honest prioritization of values and trying to make the best use of time, but that could also as well be just a dishonest rationalisation of fear and anxiety caused by past failures. How do I decide which is the case? How do I decide what do I actually want? I don’t know whether I’m self-delusional but I do know in theory self-delusions can run miles deep. Some people even kill themselves in order to avoid admitting their self-delusions. So they can really run deep and it’s hard to tell whether you are honest to yourself.

Ryan on August 2nd, 2007 at 5:39 pm #

I don’t really have an answer for you Miklos but I will say that you’re coming off a little pretentious. This isn’t meant as an insult but I would avoid saying things like “I have no need to talk to common people” while working through this challenge if you decide to.

Now for my own question. I’ve actually been thinking about experimenting with this very thing for awhile but I’m hung up here: I have no problem greeting a complete stranger… I just have trouble coming up with conversation topics. I like what was said about being organic, and also that conversation will suggest itself … but functionally, this isn’t working for me. It might be my nerves but I find myself at an absolute loss as far as breaking past the openers.

Any advice?

Morbid on August 2nd, 2007 at 6:04 pm #

Miklos what do you want most?
Sit and theoretize or connect with another human being and feel loved?

SillyMacKids on August 2nd, 2007 at 7:02 pm #

I am sorry but I have a feeling that truly superior people don’t take a view that common people have nothing worthwhile to offer.

Also intellectual people just come up with more entertaining ways to have sex! ha ha.

It is my experience that everyone has something very interesting to share, everyone knows something interesting that you don’t know and you would benefit from knowing.

I used to be very shy and found it very hard to talk to people I didn’t know but ever since I have started to do this I have found it rewarding.

Biggest challenge is to have enough self confidence and to be relaxed enough to enjoy the interaction for just what it is - an interaction.

You are touching someone at some level - a moment that would otherwise have been empty is now - not empty.

Do it a couple of times and you will learn to enjoy it.

Ryan Bollenbach on August 2nd, 2007 at 8:54 pm #

I love it!, meeting new people is great. The thrill really comes in when you move to the next step of FLOWING.. or plowing through a conversation.

It’s a big rush.

bradb on August 2nd, 2007 at 10:26 pm #

@Miklos, interesting question. It’s hard to evaluate a lifestyle like this purely in your head. Try it out and see.

It sounds like talking to someone new every day might be something new for you, and somewhat outside your comfort zone (as it would be for most people), so give yourself a chance to stick it out for, say, a month.

Expect rejection early on. Learn from it. Adjust. Improve. Try again. If you tough it out, you will make interesting connections.

anon on August 2nd, 2007 at 11:14 pm #

@Ryan

What works for me is to ask the other person questions. Find out things about them. I guess it only works because genuinely want to know. I like to talk about myself too, but I try to get the other person talking first and see where we end up.

anon2 on August 3rd, 2007 at 1:27 am #

I am a very social person in the sense that I have no problem what soever to talk too people I don’t know. I’m actually pretty confident nomatter what the topic … but my problems are that I don’t go out much (and that’s an understatement) and I HATE talking about the stuff 90% of people want to talk about … sports, the weather, gossip, …, I really couldn’t care less. (there are other things in the world, problems, which could use a little attention but people seem to live in their own VERY SMALL world.

For instance when I go out to get food and I need to wait 5 minutes before my food is ready, I’ll search a topic to talk about or if people talk to me I’ll do my best to engage in the conversation but the chance that the conversation last longer then 2-3 sentences is pretty slim (even if my food isn’t nearly ready yet). Like you said, being yourself is important and I’m a guy who won’t keep a conversation going simply to keep it going if it doesn’t intrest me.

I recognise myself in the way Miklos describes himself. Speaking for myself, it’s not that I feel myself better then others it’s just that my intrests simply are not those of the majority of people. (politcs, GLOBAL news, technology, …)

I used to think that once we ‘turned’ adult we would be other people but that’s not the case. People my age (or of any age for that matter) still behave like children. For example, there are people who can tell (very) childish jokes every day for the rest or their lifes and still not get tired of it … AND expect other to find it funny over and over (seriously?!)

I think my main problem is that I ‘prepared’ myself for an adulthood which isn’t at all as ‘adult’ as I envisioned it was going to be. I considder myself a very-informed person about a lot of topics (obviously aside from the stuff like sports etc) and from my experience most people have no clue about what goes on in the world.
Those ‘uninformed’ people are probably a 100 times happier then me though.

anon2 on August 3rd, 2007 at 1:30 am #

BTW: I don’t want to hijack your post here, it’s just that I wanted to clarify why these steps don’t work for everyone.

anon77 on August 3rd, 2007 at 10:40 am #

Well it seems that people who are optimistic can do that but not the pessimist ones. That is only my opinion.

Enjoy life !

Christian on August 3rd, 2007 at 4:08 pm #

@anon2:
I feel exactly the same. Most of the people are sheep. I don’t like to talk about gossip and sports. My favorite topics are global news, politics and technology. I spend hours a day surfing on the internet to read articles. Can’t stand TV, newspapers and radio anymore.

Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.

zephyrprime on August 8th, 2007 at 2:21 pm #

I know exactly what you mean anon2. I also prepared myself for an adult world that just doesn’t exist. I’ll never forget when I was working at my first internship at age 18 and I was observing these two “adults” and I suddenly realized, “Oh my God! People grow up past a certain point!”. Successful social interaction requires no small amount of immaturity and childish good humor. Adult thoughts and character just get in the way and there is no type of social interaction where this is more true than with flirting.

Armand on August 11th, 2007 at 4:03 am #

Very good post, useful for both the “experienced” and the “rookies”.

Good job!

poopin on August 11th, 2007 at 1:54 pm #

%anon2

You are the one in the little box. If you were so informed, you would simply understand that being ‘informed’ is relative, and if you started interacting with people you would quickly realize that most people in the real world are extremely interesting to talk to and don’t at all resemble the simple-minded FOX news audience sheeple type of person we are trained to think the world is mostly made up of. But then again, I am from NY - where most people are smart and cool.

HA. If i answered this tomorrow I’d probably say the opposite and that most people are lame mindless sheep! But seriously, when I started talking to strangers, I soon found out that people are much more interesting than I thought!

We all live in little boxes, but it’s only a few of us that realize it AND have the balls to visit other boxes.

V on August 11th, 2007 at 5:51 pm #

Great article. I find it helpful to be in social scenarios where as social interaction is necessary. Such as social clubs, sporting events or even support groups. That way you are used to approaching people all day. By doing so saying that magic “hi” will be natural, and the other person will be ease and interested at how you got so chipper. I find I will talk to anyone, even on the bus if I have already been doing it all day. For instance when I was a waiter it was allot easier talking to strangers then now that I am isolated in a cube with 5 others.

supaW on August 12th, 2007 at 2:40 pm #

why dont you all get off your computers once in a while and try ‘real lfe’? Its bettethan this , trust me!

suz on August 13th, 2007 at 8:17 am #

I’ve been through the “I can’t relate to anyone cause they’re all dumb” phase. Then something “forced” me out there, and what would you know… it is really fun to talk to people. Whether it’s mindless gossip or deep stuff it doesn’t matter, we’re just sharing a moment. My advice would be to stop over thinking stuff just enjoy life it’s all too short.

Bill on August 13th, 2007 at 9:12 am #

Interesting article, it has got me thinking about going up to girls when I’m out. All my life I have either made friends through friends or made friends out of necessity such as in the office or in a group project type scenario. I have never attempted to speak to someone without reason before in my life and I can imagine that while this would be very exhilarating it could also lead to people thinking I’m a bit on the odd side… Normally when people I don’t know try to engage in a conversation with me I instinctively think that they are whacko or trying to sell me something.
I have a friend who approaches girls in night clubs that are way out of his league and tries in vein to chat them up. He is rejected 100% of the time but never gives up. To be honest I think it is kind of sad and I feel very sorry for him at times. I wouldn’t like my friends to think the same of me if I was to behave like this. What kind of things should one say to a stranger in a pub/club? What if she is with a friend? Maybe her friend will be upset that you didn’t talk to her or maybe she has a bf… If she is on her own maybe she wants to be left alone? I always over think these type of situations and my brain does a back flip in my head, my mouth fails to function and then what does come out is just blabber that makes me look even worse… Please advise? What should I do?

Brad Bollenbach on August 13th, 2007 at 1:55 pm #

@Bill:

The most important thing is to practice and to allow yourself to get blown out. My social skills are fairly good, and I still get blown out here and there. It will definitely happen, no matter who you are, what you say, or what you look like.

What worked for me to force myself to take action was to give a buddy $100 when we went out, and then earn it back $20 per approach.

Say anything. You don’t need a plan, you just need to practice, and to prove to yourself that rejection will do no harm, by experiencing it repeatedly.

Stream your consciousness and exchange energy, and you’ll gradually learn to act in front of women the same way you do in front of your friends.

Tina on August 13th, 2007 at 8:43 pm #

good post, but I would encourage everyone to interact without a specific “goal” in mind, such as a date. Conversation is much more natural and interesting if it is not”goal-oriented” and you can really learn some good things from those willing to share. If it turns sexy, great, but there ARE other things in life.

Bill on August 14th, 2007 at 8:06 am #

Thanks for the great advice Brad! That suggestion to give a friend $100 is a brilliant one. I would do pretty much anything for money and that wouold be a big incentive for me. I will give it a go for sure!
I hope I don’t end up broke though.

anon2 on August 14th, 2007 at 6:00 pm #

@poopin

I know what you are saying will be true for most people (and even me eventually), it’s just that I’ve experienced otherwise .

Jenny on August 15th, 2007 at 2:06 pm #

I’m good at talkin to strangers. :) Especially when they’re hawt. :D

Villy Fourie on August 16th, 2007 at 5:02 pm #

Great post, good info, great mindset.

@ Bill

What I do when i go out is give myself a 3sec rule. If I see a girl that attracts me I have 3 sec to act or leave it. Works well, but do keep current situations in mind.

Tylor on August 16th, 2007 at 8:55 pm #

These comments have all begun to swing to picking up women…remember that anybody you meet has the potential to be a really interesting and unique character, whether male, female, young or old etc. Bear that in mind and you really open up to the world and see if from other peoples perspectives. One of the most fascinating people I met was an elderly gentleman from India whilst on the bus. There were things he told me that I will never experience, some that I would want to, and some that I definitely wouldn’t. Either way, it was an enlightening experience :)

Ajith Kumar on August 17th, 2007 at 5:22 am #

Excellent article. I was in really bad need of such a thing. Yes, I will change. The only thing undecided is from when.

Thank you for creating such a great blog. Keep up the good work!

robotochan on August 17th, 2007 at 12:04 pm #

To the people here who are chatting back and forth about how they can’t really do whats described in this essay/article, what are you all doing right now, the only difference is you can’t see the person you’re chatting with. its much more fun to talk with people in person anyway, I’ve been trying to do this kind of thing for ages, at first conversation is a little tricky, but to the couple of people who think only 10% of people are interested in the same things as them, by questioning and being a little less structured with conversation you will almost allways find something in common, and if not just be interested in their interest, if they are that enthusiastic about it im sure they can enthuse you to. I’ve had conversations about cricket with strangers before, a sport i couldn’t find less interesting, but hell even if i have nothing to say about it he does.

Markus on August 18th, 2007 at 4:22 pm #

I like the approach and it would also be a very good exercise for me. I don’t really fear talking to somebody IF I’ve got something to say at that moment. Otherwise it looks weird and creepy if you just start talking or asking something and then what … ?

So what should you talk about that doesn’t make you look like a total creep?? Thanks.

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Cindy (The 15 Minute Dating Blog) on August 20th, 2007 at 2:49 am #

Great advice and very true, I think fear of rejection always makes guys difficult to initiate contact.

Mr O on August 20th, 2007 at 5:48 am #

I agree with you. your post is an excellent idea. For me it is extremely difficult to just be myself around people. Around my girlfriend and my roomates its not so hard but I still feel inferior and stupid. So here is my long and drawn out story: a year or two ago i suddenly began to judge myself in a very horrible way. I became extremely paranoid and had bad anxiety. if i was in the same room with someone I would feel like they could see me all the time. I would sort of freeze up and try to act natural but i would shake sometimes, or jerk occasionally. I got fired from my job because everyone thought i was on drugs… I was a chronic weed smoker(6 joints a day), and did do hard drugs on a weekly basis. I quit after(call me a wuss) i took an X tab(which i’d done a few times before) and began to think my roomate at the time was out to get me(I know, i didnt think you could hallucinate on MDMA), after that day i pretty much stood in that mindset for a really long time. Everyone was out to get me, I feared people, i was so caught up in my head that i feared myself and could barely talk to people. I got fired from my job at walmart. I met a girl that took me for who I was and i moved in with her shortly after. She became my best friend and was the one person i cold tell all my problems to without her telling me i was crazy. Her best friend also lives here and her boyfriend lives here too, and also another guy. What I’m saying is that at first I was scared of these people too, but after months of being around them I can kind of feel relaxed. I dont fear like i used to, but i still occasionally get the jitters when everyone is watching a movie in the living room and we can all see each other in our periphial vision. It kind of makes me not enjoy life because i cant even fully enjoy watching a movie. But I will say that me talking to them and just hanging around has helped immensely. last year this time i couldnt speak clearly or hold a a conversation. now I can talk without thinking so much. I still have some anxiety in me somewhere but i feel if i just keep practicing i will get better. Basically sort of feel like i dont belong… and that makes me anxious. But hell, I’m so much better now, I do talk to strangers some times even though its alot harder to be authentic with them for me. I’m going to do this talk to someone new everyday- no joke. I dont fear rejection… for me i have nothing to be rejected for. even if i mess up with my words, the people dont know me… i cant just start over with some one else. Truly being authentic and talking to people has taken me a long way thus far and I cant wait to get back on top of the hill to being the concieted cocky guy i once was. It sounds bad, but I’d rather beleive in myself then feel unsure. the higher you feel about yourself the better you are going to do around people. make your self think you are the shit and you will be the shit. just dont over do it with cheesy stuff… if you think it might be cheesey before you say it- it probably is gonna be corny so dont try to make people like you… try to make yourself like them and if you really do there is only a very small chance that they wont like you. if you feel how I felt let me know… I’ll try to help you, because helping people always helps me too. stevenjsan@comcast.net but yeah sorry for this massive post but sometimes there are somethings easier told to strangers……

NeutrinoBurrito! on August 20th, 2007 at 1:55 pm #

Excellent article, and just as interesting replies! I believe I’ve read all of them, and must say that I too can agree with anon2, Christian and poopin to a certain extent.

When I saw Christian’s response, mentioning how people are “sheep” I thought to myself, ‘well, than be a shepherd!’. I too am someone that is thoroughly taken by subjects such as technology, global issues, etc. but in that I am also interested in social studies, not just the school subject, but actual study of social behavior, and from what I’ve seen if it is your goal to be social with the common crowd, but you feel you are above them, you must simply bring yourself to their level, but don’t feel that you need to stay there to have a conversation with them, bring them up to your level. To me, most people really have the ability to comprehend great things, it’s simply that no one has told them about it; it’s not that the common social scenester doesn’t /want/ to talk about the global issues, it’s simply that they don’t know all that you know, so teach them! But try to relate something common, to something not-so-common, for example: if the person is into sports, say, American football, you can ask them to explain the game to you. Now, from what I’ve found, if there’s something you don’t like, more than likely it’s because you don’t know, personally I used to never take an interest in football/baseball/sports in general because to me, it was just a bunch of buffed men tossing a ball around for no reason. This is not the case. If you’re willing to understand the point of it, and take in the subject, you can gain some common ground. Maybe after Person A is done talking about the game, you can lead into another subject, not too far away from the one you just left, but something more on your turf, maybe the physics of sports if your a science person, maybe the technology that goes into modern sports as opposed to how simple it used to be (that’s a good one), if you’re an artist you can even talk about the graphics that go into the advertising, there’s a world of things one could talk about!

For me, I’d say for the past couple of years I’ve been experimenting on and off with talking to strangers, of course where I live, people with completely different iterest tend to look, dress and speak the same and there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t be wise to glance at, much less talk to, but I try to find the right ones and take em’ for a spin. I know that I’ve made many acquaintances that I would’ve never DREAMED of knowing, but it turns out they’re not half bad. Then again, I’ve met people who looked the part of someone I’d like to get to know, but didn’t play it so well. I suppose I’m kinda picky like that though, that’s my flaw, I have a bad habit of assuming, but I’m trying to get over that.

Eh, I’m writing too much, anyways, good post, good responses, very nice.

Underhill on August 20th, 2007 at 10:17 pm #

anon2 and Christian, I am exactly the same way. I can talk to people but after a few sentences it usually just falls apart because what they are saying is usually pointless. For example I cringe when I meet someone who ends up talking about the latest celebrity news. Honestly, can you name a more useless and mindless topic? So here is what happens, I do exactly what NeutrinoBurrito! suggests and I try to be the “shepherd”. This works less than half the time and what ends up happening most of the time is the exact opposite of what usually happens to me. I’m all set and ready to go for a great conversation and then they just sort of fade out because they have no idea what I’m talking about. I end up doing most of the talking and then as soon as they start talking again the subject completely changes. In other words while I was talking they were thinking about what they were going to have for lunch, supper, etc. Please help.

Mr O on August 21st, 2007 at 2:03 am #

as long as you keep answers open you should be fine and even if they are only a few sentences the other person will stay interested. refrain from simpy yes or no’s. and if you have to just add a little bit why you chose that answer. ‘So, mr. O do you think hillary will be a good president?’ to which i would answer something like this: ‘No, but I really cant say that because I have no clue about politics, I’m too lazy to vote and the election is just being sold to the person who can pay the most money for publicity that portays them as having the same morals as most of the public.’ Now you see i really didnt have to think about that, I just simply conjured up my personallity and let it do the answering. more often than not the conversation will keep going as the person will feel like they should tell you their opinion on the matter.

Samia on August 21st, 2007 at 4:50 am #

Nice article,but try not to meet only girls.Do that for everyones.

NeutrinoBurrito! on August 21st, 2007 at 7:34 pm #

Ha ha. In response to Underhill, I understand what you mean, this does happen, and I might have made the technique sound a little bit easier than it is. Maybe I’ve just had good experience with it, it would seem that it also helps to be a shepherd when one is aggressive or dominant in the conversation. Even if the other person is overwhelmingly dominant, it doesn’t hurt to poke your chest out a little bit, show them that you aren’t just a wallflower or a living, breathing ear, prepared to hear everything that they have to say about them and their life. Then again personally I’m a fairly big guy, I know that plays at least a small part when getting attention and getting heard, but I’ve met many a’ 5ft nothin’ with huge personalities and presence, actually I see that more often.

In most cases the most successful people I’ve ever met, regardless of their size, gender, age, are the ones really taking hold of the interaction and really making their thoughts known to the other party (may it be one or many people). They make their personality come alive, I know that may be hard for some people, it still is for me sometimes, but you have to at least push, if only just a little bit at a time, if you really want to be that kind of person, want it, really want it.

I believe all people have the ability to be great in conversation and speech, it’s just that some people don’t believe that they can, and if they really want to, they just..well…have to go for it! Give %110 and so forth! Push fear aside and just really have at it!

I’ve always been a pretty funny lookin’ guy, kinda peculiar but I’ve got friends, and I don’t feel that I ever won’t be able to have more if I just want it, I believe that to be the key to reaching any goal in life. If ya don’t want, you won’t get it, simple as that.

maybe that’s just being overly optimistic, I dunno.

Mr O on August 22nd, 2007 at 5:44 am #

i’m drunk

chick repellant on August 22nd, 2007 at 8:43 am #

thanks for this article, I think this will help me propel a bit about socializing

MaxRabbit on August 22nd, 2007 at 10:43 am #

This is a very fascinating article-but I have a couple questions. When you go up to talk to a girl, what do you say?! And what happens if there is an uncomfortable silence?

Secondly, how do you reply to “fuck off” or “I have a boyfriend”?

Rick on August 22nd, 2007 at 12:36 pm #

Great Post Brad.

I’ve been following a similar path (although not chronicling it as well) and my life is changing for the better every day.

Once you start talking to people all the time it changes the way you see the world, it becomes addictive and you start to crave it. It’s amazing how these small changes can really transform your life.

no thanks on August 24th, 2007 at 1:22 am #

I have little problem making acquaintances being sociable etc. but unlike most of the other posters who have had success I don’t enjoy most social interaction and it is exhausting/straining to me.

TH on August 24th, 2007 at 3:37 am #

I have been experimenting on this subject this summer and I pretty much agree with Brad. However, it was sometimes hard for me to figure out if Brad was talking about talking to strangers or talking to girls. There are, of course, differences between these two. I myself have focused on girls ;)

One important thing is the social context: at least for me, it is easier to approach girls in the club than on the street.

It may be helpful to approach this issue in such a goal-setting way. Still, you have to remember that it is only the first step: it is when you don’t have to think about it too much when you really master the all-important art of talking to strangers.

yilmaz on August 24th, 2007 at 5:50 am #

Greet topic. As we are social “animals” it is natural to communicate with others, strangers etc. We can not live in isolation. I don’t consider myself as social being but my two cents..

La pura Sabrosura on August 24th, 2007 at 2:04 pm #

LOL great blog… i loved it… now im gonna get out there and meet all kind of girls… I’ll tell you on monday how i did :D

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Bruno on August 27th, 2007 at 11:50 am #

@miklos:
You proberly are selfdeluted. Almost everyone is it in certain ways. But deciding what the case is, isn’t that hard. Afterall, it doens’t matter what the case is, but what you think what the case is. So, I would just stick with the fear-explenation.
And if you still want to hold on unto the other explenation about not needing sex, and seeing those things as a waste of time. Well, no dating means no sex means no children means no passing on the genes means you lose. Life is foremost about surviving , wich is hard without children. Secondly, the time you lose by having sex, you win with having genial children. Afterall, how smart you may be, you alone aren’t smart enough and time is the limit!

Juve on September 20th, 2007 at 6:05 pm #

That all reminds of a

——————————–
Story of a really bad Approacher
——————————–

Take it as advice, i don’t wan’t to discourage anybody.

——————————–
There was a guy who interrupted me and a friend last week within our casual joking/chatting in a quite empty bar. He appeared, said “Hi!… May i sit !” and we answered: “Well..um..mmh. . . . yes.” — which me and all my friend(s) would interpret as “rather not we were chatting really good before you came” (He must have seen that) — There he sat.Gone was the Fun.OK, our fault.
What now ? OK lets talk some “general stuff” maybe ? We introduced ourselves. And talked a little bit
It took me 10-15 Minutes of him stumbling over simple jokes, overrapidly interacting with every fact we had to tell and “insulting” me of being sarcastic about him (i was not!) until i felt comfortable about the situation. His behavior made you definitely feel uncomfortable, but i tried to restrain this prejudistic feeling and converse. And then — TaDa !! — maybe finally would have a good discussion… we were the guests you endured him the longest so far and we thought it very interesiting to seriously talk about his way of conversation and his point of view of how this way should look to his targets and how it really did — at least to us — Unfortunatelly he wanted to leave us at that point — while we were climbing the slope to some very interesting things — I had to convince him “No i don’t dislike you, please sit down ! We’re in the middle of something really cool, relax and talk”. He sat. But from this point on the situation was hopeless and after some more sentences he stood up and left.We had a nice chat with the Barmaid — we never met her before ;) — before she closed. She told us, that the guy has been in that bar for quite some hours now and had have no luck with his “way of conversation”
——————————–

So Please:
Be an Approacher, but don’t be this guy !

btw. — got no fon-number fom the barmaid ;)

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poppy on October 28th, 2007 at 2:16 pm #

I hate it when strangers, especially guys, try to talk to me. I’m nice and endure it, but they never get the signals that I’m not into it. They probably had just read this tutorial and were plowing on. Ugh.

SupaW on November 13th, 2007 at 8:46 pm #

Wow…I never realised there were people that thought about stuff like this so much. You should get a website and call it SocialMisfits.com………..

jonathon on December 5th, 2007 at 11:54 pm #

Ive just started doing this an i find that i think i have a very negative aura. Like walking towards a girl she puts her head down an continues on. This happens all too often. This is all while shopping i have no idea but they should be having fun during the xmas season. THerefore my problem is i cant seem too pull myself too say hello if there is no eye contact.

can someone please elaborate what im doing wrong or right. cheers

Brad Bollenbach on December 6th, 2007 at 1:28 pm #

@jonathon:

The best way to attract (in the LoA sense, not in the Mystery Method sense) a great girl into your life is to not need a great girl in your life. The “negative aura” is the radiant glow of desperation.

Neediness dissolves in the wake of purposeful motion. Start by figuring out what you want to do with your life. From there you can extrapolate what kind of girl is suited to that mission and let social polarity take care of the rest.

And keep in mind that decisions are temporary. It’s better to pursue a clearly defined purpose that changes from time to time, than to float around in what-if-land until the someday that’s always just around the corner.

Dave on December 11th, 2007 at 3:41 am #

I’ve come to the realization lately that you can live in fear or you can live out of love. Because I have consciously decided that love will rule my life it has become easier to make conversation with random people. I let go of my questioning animosity towards people and can smile more naturally now. I feel my intentions are purer and this makes me more free to connect with others. Think about your thoughts more… are your thoughts fearful, judgmental, hateful, angry? You may not be able to change your moods all the time but just remember that at your core… you have chosen love.

SupaW on December 14th, 2007 at 12:02 pm #

Johnathon, it may be that your ‘aura’ is fine and your just a bit of an ugly fekker!

mws on December 25th, 2007 at 7:27 pm #

I am so trying this =)

dan on January 24th, 2008 at 9:14 pm #

I like the idea (first few comments) that if you talk to enough people you’ll find some who are interesting to you.

I have no trouble approaching and chatting with people but after a few minutes of conversation I find I’m often bored, or while whoever I’m talking to seems interested in me, they aren’t talking back much. It’s not hard to get around this, I just ask questions. I’ve walked away from a fair few pretty girls and a fair few useful contacts because they bored me.

I suppose ultimately, if the aren’t very interesting to talk to then why talk to them? Go say hi to other people ’till you fins someone engaging.

anon3 on March 26th, 2008 at 1:50 pm #

Hi

Just one question- unrelated with the subject of this article. Why is your blog so guy-centric (if that’s a word..)? I’m not saying you have to sexism in language to extremes, but there are women on the internet too!

Kabir on March 27th, 2008 at 11:10 am #

haha just reading this article has made me a bit nervous, but i like the approach of the “Hey a Day” to get you started and more confident socially. good stuff man.

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[…] practice that I’ve found quite useful has been Social Skydiving. The name makes it sound like more than it is.  Simply, social skydiving is the practice of merely […]

SupaW on May 1st, 2008 at 5:42 pm #

whoa! what is wrong with you ‘people’? Its like you all just suddenly developed the ability to speak! I suggest you give yourselves a good shake!

Blown on May 5th, 2008 at 12:18 pm #

Just one question. suppose i say hi to a strnger.what should i say next.any advice.if she said hi back, what should i say.i just need that starter word.thanks

Tonya on May 5th, 2008 at 2:04 pm #

Outstanding advice! From the female perspective, I can attest to the power of 1) guts and 2) authenticity. Put those two together, and it’s irresistible.

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