I’ve travelled all over the world, from New York to Cape Town, Rio de Janeiro to Tokyo. I’ve had the privilege of working with brilliant minds. A few years ago I learned French, and mastered the language well enough to speak in horrible slang with a fully authentic accent. I bought my first house not even 72 hours after my first ever house-shopping expedition, and only hours before I was due on a plane to Australia.
But the single most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done was to make a habit of talking to strangers.
Nothing has changed my world view, and my life, more than taking the risk of saying “Hi” to people I don’t know on a regular basis. Whether I’m walking down a busy shopping street, longboarding in the park, or out at a nightclub, I see every moment that I’m out in the world as a chance to meet new people.
How to Become a Social Skydiver
I can’t help but geek out on almost everything I do. Dating, relationships, and social circle building are no exception. I set goals in those areas and take action to achieve them. Here’s the recipe I use for bringing new people into my life, whether it’s making new friends around common interests, meeting women, or making business contacts.
- Figure out what you want. What kind of social life do you want? What kind of people do you want to meet? Do you want a serious girlfriend or something more casual? Knowing what you want helps you focus on spending your social time in productive ways.
- Smallchunk it. Start with smaller daily or weekly goals to propel you in the right direction. For example, a few years ago I decided to give up online dating forever, and meet girls only through real world means. I started by going out and just making eye contact with girls in the street, too shy to even open my mouth. I worked my way up to deeper interactions in various social situations. These days, I can go from no love life whatsoever to dating in a week or two.
- Let go of your ego. I’ve been told to “Fuck off!” I’ve been ignored. I’ve been brushed off in dramatic fashion. I’ve also met and dated women of unique vintage and beauty. When you take the risk of talking to someone you don’t know, rejection is the only certainty. But failure is exciting–it’s a chance to learn and improve. There’s a name for guys who never get rejected by women, never say the wrong thing, and never have their ego bruised by the opposite sex: Internet Porn Connaisseurs.
- Get out of your house! Don’t spend months trying to get past step #1. Even if you’re not sure exactly what you want, get out of your house and start opening up to the world. Motivation follows action, and experience will help inform your objectives.
How to Approach People
I prefer to keep my conversations fairly organic. I don’t like coming in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way, in my experience, is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment.
What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.
If you’ve never done this before, you may get brushed off several, even dozens of times until you get really comfortable being yourself in front of other people. Attractive women are highly socialized. A girl can sense your nervousness and anticipated rejection, and will take no prisoners when shooting you down.
That’s okay. It’s normal. Pat yourself on the back for having the balls to do what 95% of men around the world couldn’t do if their life depended on it. Then move on to the next one.
What I’ve Learned from Talking to Strangers
Talking to strangers has, literally, changed my world view and my life. It’s taught me so many things that I could never have learned from a book. Here’s what I’ve taken away from my experiences thus far:
- People don’t bite. A lot of people are really open to conversation. In fact, you’d be amazed at how many girls will be practically overjoyed that you came and talked to them, as if they’ve been waiting for you to approach them.
- Rejection is no big deal. I can’t repeat this enough. Still, fear of rejection will be the main reason why guys don’t go out and try this. If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome sex life. Period.
- Authenticity is the silver bullet. An honest individuality is the most magnetic of human qualities. But keep in mind that buying a girl a drink and showering her with compliments is not being sweetly authentic; it’s saying “I want to sleep with you.”
- The people around you aren’t watching. And, even when they are, it’s usually in shock and awe, rather than because they’re laughing at you.
- Other guys will get out of your way. You’ll be amazed how often other guys simply fade into the background when you approach their female friends.
I could go on, but ultimately it comes down to you experiencing it for yourself.
One Approach a Day
If you’re still terrified by the idea of talking to strangers, I’d recommend one specific challenge to get you started, which I’ve done myself: Talk to one stranger a day, every day, for 30 days.
If you’re walking past a girl on the sidewalk, say “Hi”, and she looks at you and keeps walking (done that many times), your job is done for the day. If you walk up to a girl in a club and say “Hey!”, and she responds, with a slightly grossed out look “I have a boyfriend.”, congratulations, you’re one step closer to improving your love life. The point of this exercise is to get you used to talking to people you don’t know and form the habit of being more social.
Talking to strangers will change your life. You’ll meet new people every day, you’ll give yourself control over your social and love life, and you’ll experience firsthand the joy of living dangerously.
I talk to strangers everywhere. It is an opportunity to connect with people. I feel so alive when I am out of my head and ego and honestly enjoying others as well as myself.
Gene
I always feel a bit nervous talking to people I don’t know very well, especially if they start the conversation. I can never think of what to talk about, but now I realize that’s because I’m talking to the wrong people. If I just said Hi more often I’d find more of the right people.
honesty is the best policy.
the hardest part is figuring out exactly what you want, everything else is easy! main thing is never fear. conversation will suggest itself.
people are generally open and friendly, it is sort of this positive energy that is being passed around and added to every time you say “Hi!”
as per talking to the right people…it may not be the right place or time, some people may be preoccupied with something else…stuff happens, too!
I have a strange question: how do I find out whether I actually WANT to do it? Whether I actually want to have a sexual life and so on?
Because I generally think I’m an intellectual, I live in the realm of ideas and have no need to talk to common people or to take part in physical activities like sex.
That could be a honest prioritization of values and trying to make the best use of time, but that could also as well be just a dishonest rationalisation of fear and anxiety caused by past failures. How do I decide which is the case? How do I decide what do I actually want? I don’t know whether I’m self-delusional but I do know in theory self-delusions can run miles deep. Some people even kill themselves in order to avoid admitting their self-delusions. So they can really run deep and it’s hard to tell whether you are honest to yourself.
I don’t really have an answer for you Miklos but I will say that you’re coming off a little pretentious. This isn’t meant as an insult but I would avoid saying things like “I have no need to talk to common people” while working through this challenge if you decide to.
Now for my own question. I’ve actually been thinking about experimenting with this very thing for awhile but I’m hung up here: I have no problem greeting a complete stranger… I just have trouble coming up with conversation topics. I like what was said about being organic, and also that conversation will suggest itself … but functionally, this isn’t working for me. It might be my nerves but I find myself at an absolute loss as far as breaking past the openers.
Any advice?
Miklos what do you want most?
Sit and theoretize or connect with another human being and feel loved?
I am sorry but I have a feeling that truly superior people don’t take a view that common people have nothing worthwhile to offer.
Also intellectual people just come up with more entertaining ways to have sex! ha ha.
It is my experience that everyone has something very interesting to share, everyone knows something interesting that you don’t know and you would benefit from knowing.
I used to be very shy and found it very hard to talk to people I didn’t know but ever since I have started to do this I have found it rewarding.
Biggest challenge is to have enough self confidence and to be relaxed enough to enjoy the interaction for just what it is – an interaction.
You are touching someone at some level – a moment that would otherwise have been empty is now – not empty.
Do it a couple of times and you will learn to enjoy it.
I love it!, meeting new people is great. The thrill really comes in when you move to the next step of FLOWING.. or plowing through a conversation.
It’s a big rush.
@Miklos, interesting question. It’s hard to evaluate a lifestyle like this purely in your head. Try it out and see.
It sounds like talking to someone new every day might be something new for you, and somewhat outside your comfort zone (as it would be for most people), so give yourself a chance to stick it out for, say, a month.
Expect rejection early on. Learn from it. Adjust. Improve. Try again. If you tough it out, you will make interesting connections.
@Ryan
What works for me is to ask the other person questions. Find out things about them. I guess it only works because genuinely want to know. I like to talk about myself too, but I try to get the other person talking first and see where we end up.
I am a very social person in the sense that I have no problem what soever to talk too people I don’t know. I’m actually pretty confident nomatter what the topic … but my problems are that I don’t go out much (and that’s an understatement) and I HATE talking about the stuff 90% of people want to talk about … sports, the weather, gossip, …, I really couldn’t care less. (there are other things in the world, problems, which could use a little attention but people seem to live in their own VERY SMALL world.
For instance when I go out to get food and I need to wait 5 minutes before my food is ready, I’ll search a topic to talk about or if people talk to me I’ll do my best to engage in the conversation but the chance that the conversation last longer then 2-3 sentences is pretty slim (even if my food isn’t nearly ready yet). Like you said, being yourself is important and I’m a guy who won’t keep a conversation going simply to keep it going if it doesn’t intrest me.
I recognise myself in the way Miklos describes himself. Speaking for myself, it’s not that I feel myself better then others it’s just that my intrests simply are not those of the majority of people. (politcs, GLOBAL news, technology, …)
I used to think that once we ‘turned’ adult we would be other people but that’s not the case. People my age (or of any age for that matter) still behave like children. For example, there are people who can tell (very) childish jokes every day for the rest or their lifes and still not get tired of it … AND expect other to find it funny over and over (seriously?!)
I think my main problem is that I ‘prepared’ myself for an adulthood which isn’t at all as ‘adult’ as I envisioned it was going to be. I considder myself a very-informed person about a lot of topics (obviously aside from the stuff like sports etc) and from my experience most people have no clue about what goes on in the world.
Those ‘uninformed’ people are probably a 100 times happier then me though.
BTW: I don’t want to hijack your post here, it’s just that I wanted to clarify why these steps don’t work for everyone.
Well it seems that people who are optimistic can do that but not the pessimist ones. That is only my opinion.
Enjoy life !
@anon2:
I feel exactly the same. Most of the people are sheep. I don’t like to talk about gossip and sports. My favorite topics are global news, politics and technology. I spend hours a day surfing on the internet to read articles. Can’t stand TV, newspapers and radio anymore.
Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone.
I know exactly what you mean anon2. I also prepared myself for an adult world that just doesn’t exist. I’ll never forget when I was working at my first internship at age 18 and I was observing these two “adults” and I suddenly realized, “Oh my God! People grow up past a certain point!”. Successful social interaction requires no small amount of immaturity and childish good humor. Adult thoughts and character just get in the way and there is no type of social interaction where this is more true than with flirting.
Very good post, useful for both the “experienced” and the “rookies”.
Good job!
%anon2
You are the one in the little box. If you were so informed, you would simply understand that being ‘informed’ is relative, and if you started interacting with people you would quickly realize that most people in the real world are extremely interesting to talk to and don’t at all resemble the simple-minded FOX news audience sheeple type of person we are trained to think the world is mostly made up of. But then again, I am from NY – where most people are smart and cool.
HA. If i answered this tomorrow I’d probably say the opposite and that most people are lame mindless sheep! But seriously, when I started talking to strangers, I soon found out that people are much more interesting than I thought!
We all live in little boxes, but it’s only a few of us that realize it AND have the balls to visit other boxes.
Great article. I find it helpful to be in social scenarios where as social interaction is necessary. Such as social clubs, sporting events or even support groups. That way you are used to approaching people all day. By doing so saying that magic “hi” will be natural, and the other person will be ease and interested at how you got so chipper. I find I will talk to anyone, even on the bus if I have already been doing it all day. For instance when I was a waiter it was allot easier talking to strangers then now that I am isolated in a cube with 5 others.
why dont you all get off your computers once in a while and try ‘real lfe’? Its bettethan this , trust me!
I’ve been through the “I can’t relate to anyone cause they’re all dumb” phase. Then something “forced” me out there, and what would you know… it is really fun to talk to people. Whether it’s mindless gossip or deep stuff it doesn’t matter, we’re just sharing a moment. My advice would be to stop over thinking stuff just enjoy life it’s all too short.
Interesting article, it has got me thinking about going up to girls when I’m out. All my life I have either made friends through friends or made friends out of necessity such as in the office or in a group project type scenario. I have never attempted to speak to someone without reason before in my life and I can imagine that while this would be very exhilarating it could also lead to people thinking I’m a bit on the odd side… Normally when people I don’t know try to engage in a conversation with me I instinctively think that they are whacko or trying to sell me something.
I have a friend who approaches girls in night clubs that are way out of his league and tries in vein to chat them up. He is rejected 100% of the time but never gives up. To be honest I think it is kind of sad and I feel very sorry for him at times. I wouldn’t like my friends to think the same of me if I was to behave like this. What kind of things should one say to a stranger in a pub/club? What if she is with a friend? Maybe her friend will be upset that you didn’t talk to her or maybe she has a bf… If she is on her own maybe she wants to be left alone? I always over think these type of situations and my brain does a back flip in my head, my mouth fails to function and then what does come out is just blabber that makes me look even worse… Please advise? What should I do?
@Bill:
The most important thing is to practice and to allow yourself to get blown out. My social skills are fairly good, and I still get blown out here and there. It will definitely happen, no matter who you are, what you say, or what you look like.
What worked for me to force myself to take action was to give a buddy $100 when we went out, and then earn it back $20 per approach.
Say anything. You don’t need a plan, you just need to practice, and to prove to yourself that rejection will do no harm, by experiencing it repeatedly.
Stream your consciousness and exchange energy, and you’ll gradually learn to act in front of women the same way you do in front of your friends.
good post, but I would encourage everyone to interact without a specific “goal” in mind, such as a date. Conversation is much more natural and interesting if it is not”goal-oriented” and you can really learn some good things from those willing to share. If it turns sexy, great, but there ARE other things in life.
Thanks for the great advice Brad! That suggestion to give a friend $100 is a brilliant one. I would do pretty much anything for money and that wouold be a big incentive for me. I will give it a go for sure!
I hope I don’t end up broke though.
@poopin
I know what you are saying will be true for most people (and even me eventually), it’s just that I’ve experienced otherwise .
I’m good at talkin to strangers. :) Especially when they’re hawt. :D
Great post, good info, great mindset.
@ Bill
What I do when i go out is give myself a 3sec rule. If I see a girl that attracts me I have 3 sec to act or leave it. Works well, but do keep current situations in mind.
These comments have all begun to swing to picking up women…remember that anybody you meet has the potential to be a really interesting and unique character, whether male, female, young or old etc. Bear that in mind and you really open up to the world and see if from other peoples perspectives. One of the most fascinating people I met was an elderly gentleman from India whilst on the bus. There were things he told me that I will never experience, some that I would want to, and some that I definitely wouldn’t. Either way, it was an enlightening experience :)
Excellent article. I was in really bad need of such a thing. Yes, I will change. The only thing undecided is from when.
Thank you for creating such a great blog. Keep up the good work!
To the people here who are chatting back and forth about how they can’t really do whats described in this essay/article, what are you all doing right now, the only difference is you can’t see the person you’re chatting with. its much more fun to talk with people in person anyway, I’ve been trying to do this kind of thing for ages, at first conversation is a little tricky, but to the couple of people who think only 10% of people are interested in the same things as them, by questioning and being a little less structured with conversation you will almost allways find something in common, and if not just be interested in their interest, if they are that enthusiastic about it im sure they can enthuse you to. I’ve had conversations about cricket with strangers before, a sport i couldn’t find less interesting, but hell even if i have nothing to say about it he does.