I’ve travelled all over the world, from New York to Cape Town, Rio de Janeiro to Tokyo. I’ve had the privilege of working with brilliant minds. A few years ago I learned French, and mastered the language well enough to speak in horrible slang with a fully authentic accent. I bought my first house not even 72 hours after my first ever house-shopping expedition, and only hours before I was due on a plane to Australia.
But the single most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done was to make a habit of talking to strangers.
Nothing has changed my world view, and my life, more than taking the risk of saying “Hi” to people I don’t know on a regular basis. Whether I’m walking down a busy shopping street, longboarding in the park, or out at a nightclub, I see every moment that I’m out in the world as a chance to meet new people.
How to Become a Social Skydiver
I can’t help but geek out on almost everything I do. Dating, relationships, and social circle building are no exception. I set goals in those areas and take action to achieve them. Here’s the recipe I use for bringing new people into my life, whether it’s making new friends around common interests, meeting women, or making business contacts.
- Figure out what you want. What kind of social life do you want? What kind of people do you want to meet? Do you want a serious girlfriend or something more casual? Knowing what you want helps you focus on spending your social time in productive ways.
- Smallchunk it. Start with smaller daily or weekly goals to propel you in the right direction. For example, a few years ago I decided to give up online dating forever, and meet girls only through real world means. I started by going out and just making eye contact with girls in the street, too shy to even open my mouth. I worked my way up to deeper interactions in various social situations. These days, I can go from no love life whatsoever to dating in a week or two.
- Let go of your ego. I’ve been told to “Fuck off!” I’ve been ignored. I’ve been brushed off in dramatic fashion. I’ve also met and dated women of unique vintage and beauty. When you take the risk of talking to someone you don’t know, rejection is the only certainty. But failure is exciting–it’s a chance to learn and improve. There’s a name for guys who never get rejected by women, never say the wrong thing, and never have their ego bruised by the opposite sex: Internet Porn Connaisseurs.
- Get out of your house! Don’t spend months trying to get past step #1. Even if you’re not sure exactly what you want, get out of your house and start opening up to the world. Motivation follows action, and experience will help inform your objectives.
How to Approach People
I prefer to keep my conversations fairly organic. I don’t like coming in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way, in my experience, is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment.
What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.
If you’ve never done this before, you may get brushed off several, even dozens of times until you get really comfortable being yourself in front of other people. Attractive women are highly socialized. A girl can sense your nervousness and anticipated rejection, and will take no prisoners when shooting you down.
That’s okay. It’s normal. Pat yourself on the back for having the balls to do what 95% of men around the world couldn’t do if their life depended on it. Then move on to the next one.
What I’ve Learned from Talking to Strangers
Talking to strangers has, literally, changed my world view and my life. It’s taught me so many things that I could never have learned from a book. Here’s what I’ve taken away from my experiences thus far:
- People don’t bite. A lot of people are really open to conversation. In fact, you’d be amazed at how many girls will be practically overjoyed that you came and talked to them, as if they’ve been waiting for you to approach them.
- Rejection is no big deal. I can’t repeat this enough. Still, fear of rejection will be the main reason why guys don’t go out and try this. If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome sex life. Period.
- Authenticity is the silver bullet. An honest individuality is the most magnetic of human qualities. But keep in mind that buying a girl a drink and showering her with compliments is not being sweetly authentic; it’s saying “I want to sleep with you.”
- The people around you aren’t watching. And, even when they are, it’s usually in shock and awe, rather than because they’re laughing at you.
- Other guys will get out of your way. You’ll be amazed how often other guys simply fade into the background when you approach their female friends.
I could go on, but ultimately it comes down to you experiencing it for yourself.
One Approach a Day
If you’re still terrified by the idea of talking to strangers, I’d recommend one specific challenge to get you started, which I’ve done myself: Talk to one stranger a day, every day, for 30 days.
If you’re walking past a girl on the sidewalk, say “Hi”, and she looks at you and keeps walking (done that many times), your job is done for the day. If you walk up to a girl in a club and say “Hey!”, and she responds, with a slightly grossed out look “I have a boyfriend.”, congratulations, you’re one step closer to improving your love life. The point of this exercise is to get you used to talking to people you don’t know and form the habit of being more social.
Talking to strangers will change your life. You’ll meet new people every day, you’ll give yourself control over your social and love life, and you’ll experience firsthand the joy of living dangerously.
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Interesting article, it has got me thinking about going up to girls when I’m out. All my life I have either made friends through friends or made friends out of necessity such as in the office or in a group project type scenario. I have never attempted to speak to someone without reason before in my life and I can imagine that while this would be very exhilarating it could also lead to people thinking I’m a bit on the odd side… Normally when people I don’t know try to engage in a conversation with me I instinctively think that they are whacko or trying to sell me something.
I have a friend who approaches girls in night clubs that are way out of his league and tries in vein to chat them up. He is rejected 100% of the time but never gives up. To be honest I think it is kind of sad and I feel very sorry for him at times. I wouldn’t like my friends to think the same of me if I was to behave like this. What kind of things should one say to a stranger in a pub/club? What if she is with a friend? Maybe her friend will be upset that you didn’t talk to her or maybe she has a bf… If she is on her own maybe she wants to be left alone? I always over think these type of situations and my brain does a back flip in my head, my mouth fails to function and then what does come out is just blabber that makes me look even worse… Please advise? What should I do?
@Bill:
The most important thing is to practice and to allow yourself to get blown out. My social skills are fairly good, and I still get blown out here and there. It will definitely happen, no matter who you are, what you say, or what you look like.
What worked for me to force myself to take action was to give a buddy $100 when we went out, and then earn it back $20 per approach.
Say anything. You don’t need a plan, you just need to practice, and to prove to yourself that rejection will do no harm, by experiencing it repeatedly.
Stream your consciousness and exchange energy, and you’ll gradually learn to act in front of women the same way you do in front of your friends.
good post, but I would encourage everyone to interact without a specific “goal” in mind, such as a date. Conversation is much more natural and interesting if it is not”goal-oriented” and you can really learn some good things from those willing to share. If it turns sexy, great, but there ARE other things in life.
Thanks for the great advice Brad! That suggestion to give a friend $100 is a brilliant one. I would do pretty much anything for money and that wouold be a big incentive for me. I will give it a go for sure!
I hope I don’t end up broke though.
@poopin
I know what you are saying will be true for most people (and even me eventually), it’s just that I’ve experienced otherwise .
I’m good at talkin to strangers. :) Especially when they’re hawt. :D
Great post, good info, great mindset.
@ Bill
What I do when i go out is give myself a 3sec rule. If I see a girl that attracts me I have 3 sec to act or leave it. Works well, but do keep current situations in mind.
These comments have all begun to swing to picking up women…remember that anybody you meet has the potential to be a really interesting and unique character, whether male, female, young or old etc. Bear that in mind and you really open up to the world and see if from other peoples perspectives. One of the most fascinating people I met was an elderly gentleman from India whilst on the bus. There were things he told me that I will never experience, some that I would want to, and some that I definitely wouldn’t. Either way, it was an enlightening experience :)
Excellent article. I was in really bad need of such a thing. Yes, I will change. The only thing undecided is from when.
Thank you for creating such a great blog. Keep up the good work!
To the people here who are chatting back and forth about how they can’t really do whats described in this essay/article, what are you all doing right now, the only difference is you can’t see the person you’re chatting with. its much more fun to talk with people in person anyway, I’ve been trying to do this kind of thing for ages, at first conversation is a little tricky, but to the couple of people who think only 10% of people are interested in the same things as them, by questioning and being a little less structured with conversation you will almost allways find something in common, and if not just be interested in their interest, if they are that enthusiastic about it im sure they can enthuse you to. I’ve had conversations about cricket with strangers before, a sport i couldn’t find less interesting, but hell even if i have nothing to say about it he does.
I like the approach and it would also be a very good exercise for me. I don’t really fear talking to somebody IF I’ve got something to say at that moment. Otherwise it looks weird and creepy if you just start talking or asking something and then what … ?
So what should you talk about that doesn’t make you look like a total creep?? Thanks.
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Great advice and very true, I think fear of rejection always makes guys difficult to initiate contact.
I agree with you. your post is an excellent idea. For me it is extremely difficult to just be myself around people. Around my girlfriend and my roomates its not so hard but I still feel inferior and stupid. So here is my long and drawn out story: a year or two ago i suddenly began to judge myself in a very horrible way. I became extremely paranoid and had bad anxiety. if i was in the same room with someone I would feel like they could see me all the time. I would sort of freeze up and try to act natural but i would shake sometimes, or jerk occasionally. I got fired from my job because everyone thought i was on drugs… I was a chronic weed smoker(6 joints a day), and did do hard drugs on a weekly basis. I quit after(call me a wuss) i took an X tab(which i’d done a few times before) and began to think my roomate at the time was out to get me(I know, i didnt think you could hallucinate on MDMA), after that day i pretty much stood in that mindset for a really long time. Everyone was out to get me, I feared people, i was so caught up in my head that i feared myself and could barely talk to people. I got fired from my job at walmart. I met a girl that took me for who I was and i moved in with her shortly after. She became my best friend and was the one person i cold tell all my problems to without her telling me i was crazy. Her best friend also lives here and her boyfriend lives here too, and also another guy. What I’m saying is that at first I was scared of these people too, but after months of being around them I can kind of feel relaxed. I dont fear like i used to, but i still occasionally get the jitters when everyone is watching a movie in the living room and we can all see each other in our periphial vision. It kind of makes me not enjoy life because i cant even fully enjoy watching a movie. But I will say that me talking to them and just hanging around has helped immensely. last year this time i couldnt speak clearly or hold a a conversation. now I can talk without thinking so much. I still have some anxiety in me somewhere but i feel if i just keep practicing i will get better. Basically sort of feel like i dont belong… and that makes me anxious. But hell, I’m so much better now, I do talk to strangers some times even though its alot harder to be authentic with them for me. I’m going to do this talk to someone new everyday- no joke. I dont fear rejection… for me i have nothing to be rejected for. even if i mess up with my words, the people dont know me… i cant just start over with some one else. Truly being authentic and talking to people has taken me a long way thus far and I cant wait to get back on top of the hill to being the concieted cocky guy i once was. It sounds bad, but I’d rather beleive in myself then feel unsure. the higher you feel about yourself the better you are going to do around people. make your self think you are the shit and you will be the shit. just dont over do it with cheesy stuff… if you think it might be cheesey before you say it- it probably is gonna be corny so dont try to make people like you… try to make yourself like them and if you really do there is only a very small chance that they wont like you. if you feel how I felt let me know… I’ll try to help you, because helping people always helps me too. stevenjsan@comcast.net but yeah sorry for this massive post but sometimes there are somethings easier told to strangers……
Excellent article, and just as interesting replies! I believe I’ve read all of them, and must say that I too can agree with anon2, Christian and poopin to a certain extent.
When I saw Christian’s response, mentioning how people are “sheep” I thought to myself, ‘well, than be a shepherd!’. I too am someone that is thoroughly taken by subjects such as technology, global issues, etc. but in that I am also interested in social studies, not just the school subject, but actual study of social behavior, and from what I’ve seen if it is your goal to be social with the common crowd, but you feel you are above them, you must simply bring yourself to their level, but don’t feel that you need to stay there to have a conversation with them, bring them up to your level. To me, most people really have the ability to comprehend great things, it’s simply that no one has told them about it; it’s not that the common social scenester doesn’t /want/ to talk about the global issues, it’s simply that they don’t know all that you know, so teach them! But try to relate something common, to something not-so-common, for example: if the person is into sports, say, American football, you can ask them to explain the game to you. Now, from what I’ve found, if there’s something you don’t like, more than likely it’s because you don’t know, personally I used to never take an interest in football/baseball/sports in general because to me, it was just a bunch of buffed men tossing a ball around for no reason. This is not the case. If you’re willing to understand the point of it, and take in the subject, you can gain some common ground. Maybe after Person A is done talking about the game, you can lead into another subject, not too far away from the one you just left, but something more on your turf, maybe the physics of sports if your a science person, maybe the technology that goes into modern sports as opposed to how simple it used to be (that’s a good one), if you’re an artist you can even talk about the graphics that go into the advertising, there’s a world of things one could talk about!
For me, I’d say for the past couple of years I’ve been experimenting on and off with talking to strangers, of course where I live, people with completely different iterest tend to look, dress and speak the same and there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t be wise to glance at, much less talk to, but I try to find the right ones and take em’ for a spin. I know that I’ve made many acquaintances that I would’ve never DREAMED of knowing, but it turns out they’re not half bad. Then again, I’ve met people who looked the part of someone I’d like to get to know, but didn’t play it so well. I suppose I’m kinda picky like that though, that’s my flaw, I have a bad habit of assuming, but I’m trying to get over that.
Eh, I’m writing too much, anyways, good post, good responses, very nice.
anon2 and Christian, I am exactly the same way. I can talk to people but after a few sentences it usually just falls apart because what they are saying is usually pointless. For example I cringe when I meet someone who ends up talking about the latest celebrity news. Honestly, can you name a more useless and mindless topic? So here is what happens, I do exactly what NeutrinoBurrito! suggests and I try to be the “shepherd”. This works less than half the time and what ends up happening most of the time is the exact opposite of what usually happens to me. I’m all set and ready to go for a great conversation and then they just sort of fade out because they have no idea what I’m talking about. I end up doing most of the talking and then as soon as they start talking again the subject completely changes. In other words while I was talking they were thinking about what they were going to have for lunch, supper, etc. Please help.
as long as you keep answers open you should be fine and even if they are only a few sentences the other person will stay interested. refrain from simpy yes or no’s. and if you have to just add a little bit why you chose that answer. ‘So, mr. O do you think hillary will be a good president?’ to which i would answer something like this: ‘No, but I really cant say that because I have no clue about politics, I’m too lazy to vote and the election is just being sold to the person who can pay the most money for publicity that portays them as having the same morals as most of the public.’ Now you see i really didnt have to think about that, I just simply conjured up my personallity and let it do the answering. more often than not the conversation will keep going as the person will feel like they should tell you their opinion on the matter.
Nice article,but try not to meet only girls.Do that for everyones.
Ha ha. In response to Underhill, I understand what you mean, this does happen, and I might have made the technique sound a little bit easier than it is. Maybe I’ve just had good experience with it, it would seem that it also helps to be a shepherd when one is aggressive or dominant in the conversation. Even if the other person is overwhelmingly dominant, it doesn’t hurt to poke your chest out a little bit, show them that you aren’t just a wallflower or a living, breathing ear, prepared to hear everything that they have to say about them and their life. Then again personally I’m a fairly big guy, I know that plays at least a small part when getting attention and getting heard, but I’ve met many a’ 5ft nothin’ with huge personalities and presence, actually I see that more often.
In most cases the most successful people I’ve ever met, regardless of their size, gender, age, are the ones really taking hold of the interaction and really making their thoughts known to the other party (may it be one or many people). They make their personality come alive, I know that may be hard for some people, it still is for me sometimes, but you have to at least push, if only just a little bit at a time, if you really want to be that kind of person, want it, really want it.
I believe all people have the ability to be great in conversation and speech, it’s just that some people don’t believe that they can, and if they really want to, they just..well…have to go for it! Give %110 and so forth! Push fear aside and just really have at it!
I’ve always been a pretty funny lookin’ guy, kinda peculiar but I’ve got friends, and I don’t feel that I ever won’t be able to have more if I just want it, I believe that to be the key to reaching any goal in life. If ya don’t want, you won’t get it, simple as that.
maybe that’s just being overly optimistic, I dunno.
i’m drunk