I’ve travelled all over the world, from New York to Cape Town, Rio de Janeiro to Tokyo. I’ve had the privilege of working with brilliant minds. A few years ago I learned French, and mastered the language well enough to speak in horrible slang with a fully authentic accent. I bought my first house not even 72 hours after my first ever house-shopping expedition, and only hours before I was due on a plane to Australia.
But the single most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done was to make a habit of talking to strangers.
Nothing has changed my world view, and my life, more than taking the risk of saying “Hi” to people I don’t know on a regular basis. Whether I’m walking down a busy shopping street, longboarding in the park, or out at a nightclub, I see every moment that I’m out in the world as a chance to meet new people.
How to Become a Social Skydiver
I can’t help but geek out on almost everything I do. Dating, relationships, and social circle building are no exception. I set goals in those areas and take action to achieve them. Here’s the recipe I use for bringing new people into my life, whether it’s making new friends around common interests, meeting women, or making business contacts.
- Figure out what you want. What kind of social life do you want? What kind of people do you want to meet? Do you want a serious girlfriend or something more casual? Knowing what you want helps you focus on spending your social time in productive ways.
- Smallchunk it. Start with smaller daily or weekly goals to propel you in the right direction. For example, a few years ago I decided to give up online dating forever, and meet girls only through real world means. I started by going out and just making eye contact with girls in the street, too shy to even open my mouth. I worked my way up to deeper interactions in various social situations. These days, I can go from no love life whatsoever to dating in a week or two.
- Let go of your ego. I’ve been told to “Fuck off!” I’ve been ignored. I’ve been brushed off in dramatic fashion. I’ve also met and dated women of unique vintage and beauty. When you take the risk of talking to someone you don’t know, rejection is the only certainty. But failure is exciting–it’s a chance to learn and improve. There’s a name for guys who never get rejected by women, never say the wrong thing, and never have their ego bruised by the opposite sex: Internet Porn Connaisseurs.
- Get out of your house! Don’t spend months trying to get past step #1. Even if you’re not sure exactly what you want, get out of your house and start opening up to the world. Motivation follows action, and experience will help inform your objectives.
How to Approach People
I prefer to keep my conversations fairly organic. I don’t like coming in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way, in my experience, is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment.
What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.
If you’ve never done this before, you may get brushed off several, even dozens of times until you get really comfortable being yourself in front of other people. Attractive women are highly socialized. A girl can sense your nervousness and anticipated rejection, and will take no prisoners when shooting you down.
That’s okay. It’s normal. Pat yourself on the back for having the balls to do what 95% of men around the world couldn’t do if their life depended on it. Then move on to the next one.
What I’ve Learned from Talking to Strangers
Talking to strangers has, literally, changed my world view and my life. It’s taught me so many things that I could never have learned from a book. Here’s what I’ve taken away from my experiences thus far:
- People don’t bite. A lot of people are really open to conversation. In fact, you’d be amazed at how many girls will be practically overjoyed that you came and talked to them, as if they’ve been waiting for you to approach them.
- Rejection is no big deal. I can’t repeat this enough. Still, fear of rejection will be the main reason why guys don’t go out and try this. If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome sex life. Period.
- Authenticity is the silver bullet. An honest individuality is the most magnetic of human qualities. But keep in mind that buying a girl a drink and showering her with compliments is not being sweetly authentic; it’s saying “I want to sleep with you.”
- The people around you aren’t watching. And, even when they are, it’s usually in shock and awe, rather than because they’re laughing at you.
- Other guys will get out of your way. You’ll be amazed how often other guys simply fade into the background when you approach their female friends.
I could go on, but ultimately it comes down to you experiencing it for yourself.
One Approach a Day
If you’re still terrified by the idea of talking to strangers, I’d recommend one specific challenge to get you started, which I’ve done myself: Talk to one stranger a day, every day, for 30 days.
If you’re walking past a girl on the sidewalk, say “Hi”, and she looks at you and keeps walking (done that many times), your job is done for the day. If you walk up to a girl in a club and say “Hey!”, and she responds, with a slightly grossed out look “I have a boyfriend.”, congratulations, you’re one step closer to improving your love life. The point of this exercise is to get you used to talking to people you don’t know and form the habit of being more social.
Talking to strangers will change your life. You’ll meet new people every day, you’ll give yourself control over your social and love life, and you’ll experience firsthand the joy of living dangerously.
I like the approach and it would also be a very good exercise for me. I don’t really fear talking to somebody IF I’ve got something to say at that moment. Otherwise it looks weird and creepy if you just start talking or asking something and then what … ?
So what should you talk about that doesn’t make you look like a total creep?? Thanks.
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Great advice and very true, I think fear of rejection always makes guys difficult to initiate contact.
I agree with you. your post is an excellent idea. For me it is extremely difficult to just be myself around people. Around my girlfriend and my roomates its not so hard but I still feel inferior and stupid. So here is my long and drawn out story: a year or two ago i suddenly began to judge myself in a very horrible way. I became extremely paranoid and had bad anxiety. if i was in the same room with someone I would feel like they could see me all the time. I would sort of freeze up and try to act natural but i would shake sometimes, or jerk occasionally. I got fired from my job because everyone thought i was on drugs… I was a chronic weed smoker(6 joints a day), and did do hard drugs on a weekly basis. I quit after(call me a wuss) i took an X tab(which i’d done a few times before) and began to think my roomate at the time was out to get me(I know, i didnt think you could hallucinate on MDMA), after that day i pretty much stood in that mindset for a really long time. Everyone was out to get me, I feared people, i was so caught up in my head that i feared myself and could barely talk to people. I got fired from my job at walmart. I met a girl that took me for who I was and i moved in with her shortly after. She became my best friend and was the one person i cold tell all my problems to without her telling me i was crazy. Her best friend also lives here and her boyfriend lives here too, and also another guy. What I’m saying is that at first I was scared of these people too, but after months of being around them I can kind of feel relaxed. I dont fear like i used to, but i still occasionally get the jitters when everyone is watching a movie in the living room and we can all see each other in our periphial vision. It kind of makes me not enjoy life because i cant even fully enjoy watching a movie. But I will say that me talking to them and just hanging around has helped immensely. last year this time i couldnt speak clearly or hold a a conversation. now I can talk without thinking so much. I still have some anxiety in me somewhere but i feel if i just keep practicing i will get better. Basically sort of feel like i dont belong… and that makes me anxious. But hell, I’m so much better now, I do talk to strangers some times even though its alot harder to be authentic with them for me. I’m going to do this talk to someone new everyday- no joke. I dont fear rejection… for me i have nothing to be rejected for. even if i mess up with my words, the people dont know me… i cant just start over with some one else. Truly being authentic and talking to people has taken me a long way thus far and I cant wait to get back on top of the hill to being the concieted cocky guy i once was. It sounds bad, but I’d rather beleive in myself then feel unsure. the higher you feel about yourself the better you are going to do around people. make your self think you are the shit and you will be the shit. just dont over do it with cheesy stuff… if you think it might be cheesey before you say it- it probably is gonna be corny so dont try to make people like you… try to make yourself like them and if you really do there is only a very small chance that they wont like you. if you feel how I felt let me know… I’ll try to help you, because helping people always helps me too. stevenjsan@comcast.net but yeah sorry for this massive post but sometimes there are somethings easier told to strangers……
Excellent article, and just as interesting replies! I believe I’ve read all of them, and must say that I too can agree with anon2, Christian and poopin to a certain extent.
When I saw Christian’s response, mentioning how people are “sheep” I thought to myself, ‘well, than be a shepherd!’. I too am someone that is thoroughly taken by subjects such as technology, global issues, etc. but in that I am also interested in social studies, not just the school subject, but actual study of social behavior, and from what I’ve seen if it is your goal to be social with the common crowd, but you feel you are above them, you must simply bring yourself to their level, but don’t feel that you need to stay there to have a conversation with them, bring them up to your level. To me, most people really have the ability to comprehend great things, it’s simply that no one has told them about it; it’s not that the common social scenester doesn’t /want/ to talk about the global issues, it’s simply that they don’t know all that you know, so teach them! But try to relate something common, to something not-so-common, for example: if the person is into sports, say, American football, you can ask them to explain the game to you. Now, from what I’ve found, if there’s something you don’t like, more than likely it’s because you don’t know, personally I used to never take an interest in football/baseball/sports in general because to me, it was just a bunch of buffed men tossing a ball around for no reason. This is not the case. If you’re willing to understand the point of it, and take in the subject, you can gain some common ground. Maybe after Person A is done talking about the game, you can lead into another subject, not too far away from the one you just left, but something more on your turf, maybe the physics of sports if your a science person, maybe the technology that goes into modern sports as opposed to how simple it used to be (that’s a good one), if you’re an artist you can even talk about the graphics that go into the advertising, there’s a world of things one could talk about!
For me, I’d say for the past couple of years I’ve been experimenting on and off with talking to strangers, of course where I live, people with completely different iterest tend to look, dress and speak the same and there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t be wise to glance at, much less talk to, but I try to find the right ones and take em’ for a spin. I know that I’ve made many acquaintances that I would’ve never DREAMED of knowing, but it turns out they’re not half bad. Then again, I’ve met people who looked the part of someone I’d like to get to know, but didn’t play it so well. I suppose I’m kinda picky like that though, that’s my flaw, I have a bad habit of assuming, but I’m trying to get over that.
Eh, I’m writing too much, anyways, good post, good responses, very nice.
anon2 and Christian, I am exactly the same way. I can talk to people but after a few sentences it usually just falls apart because what they are saying is usually pointless. For example I cringe when I meet someone who ends up talking about the latest celebrity news. Honestly, can you name a more useless and mindless topic? So here is what happens, I do exactly what NeutrinoBurrito! suggests and I try to be the “shepherd”. This works less than half the time and what ends up happening most of the time is the exact opposite of what usually happens to me. I’m all set and ready to go for a great conversation and then they just sort of fade out because they have no idea what I’m talking about. I end up doing most of the talking and then as soon as they start talking again the subject completely changes. In other words while I was talking they were thinking about what they were going to have for lunch, supper, etc. Please help.
as long as you keep answers open you should be fine and even if they are only a few sentences the other person will stay interested. refrain from simpy yes or no’s. and if you have to just add a little bit why you chose that answer. ‘So, mr. O do you think hillary will be a good president?’ to which i would answer something like this: ‘No, but I really cant say that because I have no clue about politics, I’m too lazy to vote and the election is just being sold to the person who can pay the most money for publicity that portays them as having the same morals as most of the public.’ Now you see i really didnt have to think about that, I just simply conjured up my personallity and let it do the answering. more often than not the conversation will keep going as the person will feel like they should tell you their opinion on the matter.
Nice article,but try not to meet only girls.Do that for everyones.
Ha ha. In response to Underhill, I understand what you mean, this does happen, and I might have made the technique sound a little bit easier than it is. Maybe I’ve just had good experience with it, it would seem that it also helps to be a shepherd when one is aggressive or dominant in the conversation. Even if the other person is overwhelmingly dominant, it doesn’t hurt to poke your chest out a little bit, show them that you aren’t just a wallflower or a living, breathing ear, prepared to hear everything that they have to say about them and their life. Then again personally I’m a fairly big guy, I know that plays at least a small part when getting attention and getting heard, but I’ve met many a’ 5ft nothin’ with huge personalities and presence, actually I see that more often.
In most cases the most successful people I’ve ever met, regardless of their size, gender, age, are the ones really taking hold of the interaction and really making their thoughts known to the other party (may it be one or many people). They make their personality come alive, I know that may be hard for some people, it still is for me sometimes, but you have to at least push, if only just a little bit at a time, if you really want to be that kind of person, want it, really want it.
I believe all people have the ability to be great in conversation and speech, it’s just that some people don’t believe that they can, and if they really want to, they just..well…have to go for it! Give %110 and so forth! Push fear aside and just really have at it!
I’ve always been a pretty funny lookin’ guy, kinda peculiar but I’ve got friends, and I don’t feel that I ever won’t be able to have more if I just want it, I believe that to be the key to reaching any goal in life. If ya don’t want, you won’t get it, simple as that.
maybe that’s just being overly optimistic, I dunno.
i’m drunk
thanks for this article, I think this will help me propel a bit about socializing
This is a very fascinating article-but I have a couple questions. When you go up to talk to a girl, what do you say?! And what happens if there is an uncomfortable silence?
Secondly, how do you reply to “fuck off” or “I have a boyfriend”?
Great Post Brad.
I’ve been following a similar path (although not chronicling it as well) and my life is changing for the better every day.
Once you start talking to people all the time it changes the way you see the world, it becomes addictive and you start to crave it. It’s amazing how these small changes can really transform your life.
I have little problem making acquaintances being sociable etc. but unlike most of the other posters who have had success I don’t enjoy most social interaction and it is exhausting/straining to me.
I have been experimenting on this subject this summer and I pretty much agree with Brad. However, it was sometimes hard for me to figure out if Brad was talking about talking to strangers or talking to girls. There are, of course, differences between these two. I myself have focused on girls ;)
One important thing is the social context: at least for me, it is easier to approach girls in the club than on the street.
It may be helpful to approach this issue in such a goal-setting way. Still, you have to remember that it is only the first step: it is when you don’t have to think about it too much when you really master the all-important art of talking to strangers.
Greet topic. As we are social “animals” it is natural to communicate with others, strangers etc. We can not live in isolation. I don’t consider myself as social being but my two cents..
LOL great blog… i loved it… now im gonna get out there and meet all kind of girls… I’ll tell you on monday how i did :D
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@miklos:
You proberly are selfdeluted. Almost everyone is it in certain ways. But deciding what the case is, isn’t that hard. Afterall, it doens’t matter what the case is, but what you think what the case is. So, I would just stick with the fear-explenation.
And if you still want to hold on unto the other explenation about not needing sex, and seeing those things as a waste of time. Well, no dating means no sex means no children means no passing on the genes means you lose. Life is foremost about surviving , wich is hard without children. Secondly, the time you lose by having sex, you win with having genial children. Afterall, how smart you may be, you alone aren’t smart enough and time is the limit!
That all reminds of a
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Story of a really bad Approacher
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Take it as advice, i don’t wan’t to discourage anybody.
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There was a guy who interrupted me and a friend last week within our casual joking/chatting in a quite empty bar. He appeared, said “Hi!… May i sit !” and we answered: “Well..um..mmh. . . . yes.” — which me and all my friend(s) would interpret as “rather not we were chatting really good before you came” (He must have seen that) — There he sat.Gone was the Fun.OK, our fault.
What now ? OK lets talk some “general stuff” maybe ? We introduced ourselves. And talked a little bit
It took me 10-15 Minutes of him stumbling over simple jokes, overrapidly interacting with every fact we had to tell and “insulting” me of being sarcastic about him (i was not!) until i felt comfortable about the situation. His behavior made you definitely feel uncomfortable, but i tried to restrain this prejudistic feeling and converse. And then — TaDa !! — maybe finally would have a good discussion… we were the guests you endured him the longest so far and we thought it very interesiting to seriously talk about his way of conversation and his point of view of how this way should look to his targets and how it really did — at least to us — Unfortunatelly he wanted to leave us at that point — while we were climbing the slope to some very interesting things — I had to convince him “No i don’t dislike you, please sit down ! We’re in the middle of something really cool, relax and talk”. He sat. But from this point on the situation was hopeless and after some more sentences he stood up and left.We had a nice chat with the Barmaid — we never met her before ;) — before she closed. She told us, that the guy has been in that bar for quite some hours now and had have no luck with his “way of conversation”
——————————–
So Please:
Be an Approacher, but don’t be this guy !
btw. — got no fon-number fom the barmaid ;)
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I hate it when strangers, especially guys, try to talk to me. I’m nice and endure it, but they never get the signals that I’m not into it. They probably had just read this tutorial and were plowing on. Ugh.
Wow…I never realised there were people that thought about stuff like this so much. You should get a website and call it SocialMisfits.com………..
Ive just started doing this an i find that i think i have a very negative aura. Like walking towards a girl she puts her head down an continues on. This happens all too often. This is all while shopping i have no idea but they should be having fun during the xmas season. THerefore my problem is i cant seem too pull myself too say hello if there is no eye contact.
can someone please elaborate what im doing wrong or right. cheers
@jonathon:
The best way to attract (in the LoA sense, not in the Mystery Method sense) a great girl into your life is to not need a great girl in your life. The “negative aura” is the radiant glow of desperation.
Neediness dissolves in the wake of purposeful motion. Start by figuring out what you want to do with your life. From there you can extrapolate what kind of girl is suited to that mission and let social polarity take care of the rest.
And keep in mind that decisions are temporary. It’s better to pursue a clearly defined purpose that changes from time to time, than to float around in what-if-land until the someday that’s always just around the corner.
I’ve come to the realization lately that you can live in fear or you can live out of love. Because I have consciously decided that love will rule my life it has become easier to make conversation with random people. I let go of my questioning animosity towards people and can smile more naturally now. I feel my intentions are purer and this makes me more free to connect with others. Think about your thoughts more… are your thoughts fearful, judgmental, hateful, angry? You may not be able to change your moods all the time but just remember that at your core… you have chosen love.
Johnathon, it may be that your ‘aura’ is fine and your just a bit of an ugly fekker!
I am so trying this =)
I like the idea (first few comments) that if you talk to enough people you’ll find some who are interesting to you.
I have no trouble approaching and chatting with people but after a few minutes of conversation I find I’m often bored, or while whoever I’m talking to seems interested in me, they aren’t talking back much. It’s not hard to get around this, I just ask questions. I’ve walked away from a fair few pretty girls and a fair few useful contacts because they bored me.
I suppose ultimately, if the aren’t very interesting to talk to then why talk to them? Go say hi to other people ’till you fins someone engaging.
Hi
Just one question- unrelated with the subject of this article. Why is your blog so guy-centric (if that’s a word..)? I’m not saying you have to sexism in language to extremes, but there are women on the internet too!