I’ve travelled all over the world, from New York to Cape Town, Rio de Janeiro to Tokyo. I’ve had the privilege of working with brilliant minds. A few years ago I learned French, and mastered the language well enough to speak in horrible slang with a fully authentic accent. I bought my first house not even 72 hours after my first ever house-shopping expedition, and only hours before I was due on a plane to Australia.
But the single most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done was to make a habit of talking to strangers.
Nothing has changed my world view, and my life, more than taking the risk of saying “Hi” to people I don’t know on a regular basis. Whether I’m walking down a busy shopping street, longboarding in the park, or out at a nightclub, I see every moment that I’m out in the world as a chance to meet new people.
How to Become a Social Skydiver
I can’t help but geek out on almost everything I do. Dating, relationships, and social circle building are no exception. I set goals in those areas and take action to achieve them. Here’s the recipe I use for bringing new people into my life, whether it’s making new friends around common interests, meeting women, or making business contacts.
- Figure out what you want. What kind of social life do you want? What kind of people do you want to meet? Do you want a serious girlfriend or something more casual? Knowing what you want helps you focus on spending your social time in productive ways.
- Smallchunk it. Start with smaller daily or weekly goals to propel you in the right direction. For example, a few years ago I decided to give up online dating forever, and meet girls only through real world means. I started by going out and just making eye contact with girls in the street, too shy to even open my mouth. I worked my way up to deeper interactions in various social situations. These days, I can go from no love life whatsoever to dating in a week or two.
- Let go of your ego. I’ve been told to “Fuck off!” I’ve been ignored. I’ve been brushed off in dramatic fashion. I’ve also met and dated women of unique vintage and beauty. When you take the risk of talking to someone you don’t know, rejection is the only certainty. But failure is exciting–it’s a chance to learn and improve. There’s a name for guys who never get rejected by women, never say the wrong thing, and never have their ego bruised by the opposite sex: Internet Porn Connaisseurs.
- Get out of your house! Don’t spend months trying to get past step #1. Even if you’re not sure exactly what you want, get out of your house and start opening up to the world. Motivation follows action, and experience will help inform your objectives.
How to Approach People
I prefer to keep my conversations fairly organic. I don’t like coming in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way, in my experience, is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment.
What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.
If you’ve never done this before, you may get brushed off several, even dozens of times until you get really comfortable being yourself in front of other people. Attractive women are highly socialized. A girl can sense your nervousness and anticipated rejection, and will take no prisoners when shooting you down.
That’s okay. It’s normal. Pat yourself on the back for having the balls to do what 95% of men around the world couldn’t do if their life depended on it. Then move on to the next one.
What I’ve Learned from Talking to Strangers
Talking to strangers has, literally, changed my world view and my life. It’s taught me so many things that I could never have learned from a book. Here’s what I’ve taken away from my experiences thus far:
- People don’t bite. A lot of people are really open to conversation. In fact, you’d be amazed at how many girls will be practically overjoyed that you came and talked to them, as if they’ve been waiting for you to approach them.
- Rejection is no big deal. I can’t repeat this enough. Still, fear of rejection will be the main reason why guys don’t go out and try this. If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome sex life. Period.
- Authenticity is the silver bullet. An honest individuality is the most magnetic of human qualities. But keep in mind that buying a girl a drink and showering her with compliments is not being sweetly authentic; it’s saying “I want to sleep with you.”
- The people around you aren’t watching. And, even when they are, it’s usually in shock and awe, rather than because they’re laughing at you.
- Other guys will get out of your way. You’ll be amazed how often other guys simply fade into the background when you approach their female friends.
I could go on, but ultimately it comes down to you experiencing it for yourself.
One Approach a Day
If you’re still terrified by the idea of talking to strangers, I’d recommend one specific challenge to get you started, which I’ve done myself: Talk to one stranger a day, every day, for 30 days.
If you’re walking past a girl on the sidewalk, say “Hi”, and she looks at you and keeps walking (done that many times), your job is done for the day. If you walk up to a girl in a club and say “Hey!”, and she responds, with a slightly grossed out look “I have a boyfriend.”, congratulations, you’re one step closer to improving your love life. The point of this exercise is to get you used to talking to people you don’t know and form the habit of being more social.
Talking to strangers will change your life. You’ll meet new people every day, you’ll give yourself control over your social and love life, and you’ll experience firsthand the joy of living dangerously.
haha just reading this article has made me a bit nervous, but i like the approach of the “Hey a Day” to get you started and more confident socially. good stuff man.
[...] practice that I’ve found quite useful has been Social Skydiving. The name makes it sound like more than it is. Simply, social skydiving is the practice of merely [...]
whoa! what is wrong with you ‘people’? Its like you all just suddenly developed the ability to speak! I suggest you give yourselves a good shake!
Just one question. suppose i say hi to a strnger.what should i say next.any advice.if she said hi back, what should i say.i just need that starter word.thanks
Outstanding advice! From the female perspective, I can attest to the power of 1) guts and 2) authenticity. Put those two together, and it’s irresistible.
This is such a good article – filled me with a rejuvenated interest in pushing myself.
However sometimes there’s skills that can help – the advice is great – but for sheer concentrated massive experience in the smallest amount of time – improvise!
The best thing that i ever did to give me confidence to get over the “feel the fear and do it anyway” was a improvisation comedy workshop and then a performance at the end in front of a fee paying audience.
Cant recommend that enough. it gets you out of yourself and thinking of others.
combine that with this advice above and its a heck of a kick start.
so agree with you Brad – canned approaches aren’t the way. dive in – listen and respond with whatever you feel is right.
anon2, christian and underhill, you go and talk to each other. you seem to be the boring ‘intellectual’ type :D
Great post.
Thank you for sharing this priceless information with us all, it only took one google search on the topic for me to find this, i have read all the comments and learned a great deal from them.
Read the post and several replies and I’m surprised nobody brought up the main reason I rarely approach a stranger: I have nothing to say really. No approach anxiety, no fear of rejection, none of the usual suspects; my mind is just blank. When I push myself to open, most things I come up with seem (to me) as forced, lame excuses to start a conversation, without a real, genuine interest in whatever is to be discussed. I am aware that most socially “normal” people don’t always talk to exchange information but can chat pointlessly just to “feel good with each other” (with smalltalking and what have you), but to goal-oriented geek types like me that doesn’t seem to strike a chord.
[...] succes een concept toegepast welke ik onceremonieel heb gestolen van Brad Bollenbach’s blog hier. De reden dat ik dit zogenoemde “Social Skydiving” zo geweldig vind is omdat het leid [...]
i’m gonna try this. i need to get out of this funk.
Good job!
How exactly do you get past “hi”?
I’m on a year long exchange in Brazil at the moment with hopes of gaining a pretty darn good level of Portuguese at the end of the year after starting with almost nothing.
Of course, the only way that I’m going to get good at Portuguese is by talking to Portuguese speakers. And my usual and safe resource of shallow, younger classmate acquaintances is gone as we enter summer vacation. So, I have made the realization, that I need to meet more people to have a vocabulary beyond hot pretty something is, or how hot the girls thinks the Jonas Brothers are.
But how on earth do I get past “hi” anyway? I can do “Hello, How are you?” in about 5 different languages, but what really comes after that? Usually the answer is “fine.” And boom, conversation killed by it’s own necessity for a polite greeting in the first place. So then ANYTHING it seems like afterwards requires that o-so-awkward “so…” and I never know what to put at the end of those damned ellipses.
I googled ‘how to get a life’ and your blog was the first to appear. I’ve very much enjoyed reading your posts and especially enjoyed the opportunity to get an insiders look into a male mind. Very interesting.
I very much liked your description of some of the women you have had the opportunity to meet, that is “unique vintage and beauty”. Well done!
Very interesting blog you have here. I enjoyed reading it. As a guy who is naturally shy and timid by nature, I have to work very hard and utilize a lot of mental energy to become outgoing and talkative – in other words to overcome my innate shyness. However, there is something that I have been struggling with on a daily basis, and that is this: I feel so phony and deceptive in the majority of my social encounters. More often than not I wear a social mask to function in various social situations, and while that can be highly effective, it’s downright deceptive and fake! As a result, I’ve come to the conclusion that to be a socially successful person, one has to be good at “acting” and being “phony”!
Would you agree with this???
Sherise-
Like you, I have spent some time in non-English speaking countries…
It is, by far, the easiest way to meet people. Just trying your verbal skills in a given language is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. At a point when I was still shy with German, French, or what little Spanish I knew, I realized it was speak, and sound like an idiot, or not get what I was trying to buy/understand/eat/drink etc….
We all remember the foreign exchange student in highschool, right? How do you think they felt with ‘total immersion’ in a completely different society? Sometimes the way they delivered English was, for lack of a better word, comical.
My advice… have a freakin beer, relax, don’t be afraid to be a complete fool. That also rings true in any social situation! (Leave out the beer if you need to)
The main thing to remember is to just be you, if people don’t like it, ok. Then you know. Being able to be rejected will make anyone stronger.
As far as what to do/say after ‘fine’… Take interest in others. People (you, me, everyone) like to tell their story. If it’s something you can’t relate to, again, NEXT.
You WILL get a ton of rejection, but you WILL also learn some things about that person and yourself in the process. Don’t assume that you are bothering that person. You will learn that instantly after the initial contact. Even at that point – people are complex – you may ask what is the motivation for that person’s attitude? Ie, “Damn, what’s wrong”?
Think back to childhood…. How do we learn to interact with our environment? We ask, process, and respond… The cycle never stops, unless YOU stop.
A Merry Christmas to All – Mikey
Jason, I’ve been thinking the same thing too.
I’m naturally a introverted person. For me, to interact with other’s and hold conversation’s is sometimes a lot of work for me. Sometimes I do feel phony because I do put on the impression that I’m a very social person, which I’m typically not.
One of my very good friends who is one of the most social people I know, tells me I don’t have to change who I am. I’m genuinely a quiet person, but I talk when I want to. But I want to work on my conversation skills, so that when I do speak I feel comfortable. I feel like I’ve stayed quiet for so long that I’ve forgot how to speak and interact with others, and I need to get out of that. I miss being able to talk happily with people. It’s just been such a uncomfortable thing for me recently.
Maybe I just feel this way because I’m taking some of the first steps in wanting to be more social. It’s a different feeling talking to strangers at parties and things. I just try to be myself, but a lot of times I catch myself doings things that aren’t “me” to hold the person I’m speaking to attention.
Just be yourself. Be confident in who you are. There are people you can connect with well and other’s you won’t, and you have to accept that. But you won’t know who those people are unless you speak up and start talking to people.
Really great article man! thanks a lot!
IME it’s possibly to go from introverted to extraverted. I while ago I was what could be considered introverted, where having a conversation with someone I knew would be mentally exhausting and talking to strangers would have been almost impossible. Then I just made a point to talk to more people and now I can have as much fun socializing with people as with being by myself and reading a book. It’s good to realize that it doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you’re having fun people will respond.
This article is really cool. I luv the idea of meeting one stranger per day. It cleared some of my other related concepts like “following the direct approach” to get what you want. But unfortunately most people wants an indirect path. I think it has something to do with the way they were getting information all along since there childhood.
Good stuff. Reminds me I should take my headphones off when I’m in public.
You know, I have been doing this for a long time, and its nice to see that other people are doing it as well.
I started doing this when I moved away to college. No one from my home town came with me, so I had to either be a loner or be social with strangers. I took the social route, and honestly it wasn’t that bad. Sure you get the girls that want nothing to do with you, but for every one of those, there are three who will, so who cares?
I also do this simply for the joy of meeting new people and making my personal network larger. You never know if the next person you talk to is someone important who may be able to help you out later in life. Also, I don’t generally approach girls with the “aura” of trying to sleep with them, and if there is a group, I focus on everyone equally as opposed to the hot one. Thats a big thing I think a lot of people miss out on. You have to pay attention to your target AND her friends in order to stay in the game. If you dont she will very quickly discover she is on your radar, and will remove herself.
Also, you should probably talk to a lot of people you AREN’t interested in dating, because it keeps the sexual agenda hidden until the right moment.
I realize that sounds horrible, but basically I’m saying don’t use this idea to just pick up girls, use it to meet people, and you will probably find the one for you.
Any insight into social skydiving in London? I have heard from two sources that there, you’ll be seen as rather strange. Britons can be offputting as a stranger but when you get to know em, they can be pretty friendly.
Sources:
- A london travel guide
- My dad who flew in and out of London frequently (airline pilot). He’s not really a “skydiver” himself though.
Good read. I am actually afraid of getting punched in the face if I say hi to the wrong person. How can I get over that fear?
John–
I live in London and have been practicing for awhile..I’ll admit it’s hard when you’re starting out.
You may be seen as strange by a few people, some may ignore you, some may walk away, some may even insult you. That’s ok!
The vast majority will be friendly–and many will be very impressed. People who I’ve met this way have often, months later, said that they were very impressed that I just walked up and chatted with them.
It really is an incredible way to meet people since you can do it anytime, anywhere, and completely of your own accord.
Steve,
It’s always great reading success stories! As someone struggling to get out of my own way, I love hearing how it really is possible to meet people anywhere if you just try.
I think you should write a version of this aimed at girls :).
Good article! I think a lot of the comments here are true though, many people will struggle with getting past the “hi” part. My advice to that in my own personal experiance is to skip the “hi” and jump right to mid convo…try approachng somebody and starting off with “what do you think of that guy’s hat over there(if it ugly or somthing) or walk over to there table sit down and say “maybe if i sit here I’ll actually get some service in this place” it could be anything those are just two far out examples. The point is to avoid the “hi” part at all costs because if your stressing about getting parst the “hi” your mind has already linked that approach to failure. Just by playing around with different approaches you will soon find a few that will be a sure shot most of the time, its all about trial and error, there are no certainties in human relation, Good Luck!
As a skydiver but socially inexperianced person, a few weeks ago i went to a training, last night the term social skydiving popped into my head, The fear is the same only the situations are different, progress in live means conquering your fears.
Great! :-)
Heeeey!
Awesome Article!
I can really relate to what you’re saying!
I love this blog, it’s my first visit, but Im subscribing!
Keep in touch!
Diggy
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