I’ve travelled all over the world, from New York to Cape Town, Rio de Janeiro to Tokyo. I’ve had the privilege of working with brilliant minds. A few years ago I learned French, and mastered the language well enough to speak in horrible slang with a fully authentic accent. I bought my first house not even 72 hours after my first ever house-shopping expedition, and only hours before I was due on a plane to Australia.
But the single most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done was to make a habit of talking to strangers.
Nothing has changed my world view, and my life, more than taking the risk of saying “Hi” to people I don’t know on a regular basis. Whether I’m walking down a busy shopping street, longboarding in the park, or out at a nightclub, I see every moment that I’m out in the world as a chance to meet new people.
How to Become a Social Skydiver
I can’t help but geek out on almost everything I do. Dating, relationships, and social circle building are no exception. I set goals in those areas and take action to achieve them. Here’s the recipe I use for bringing new people into my life, whether it’s making new friends around common interests, meeting women, or making business contacts.
- Figure out what you want. What kind of social life do you want? What kind of people do you want to meet? Do you want a serious girlfriend or something more casual? Knowing what you want helps you focus on spending your social time in productive ways.
- Smallchunk it. Start with smaller daily or weekly goals to propel you in the right direction. For example, a few years ago I decided to give up online dating forever, and meet girls only through real world means. I started by going out and just making eye contact with girls in the street, too shy to even open my mouth. I worked my way up to deeper interactions in various social situations. These days, I can go from no love life whatsoever to dating in a week or two.
- Let go of your ego. I’ve been told to “Fuck off!” I’ve been ignored. I’ve been brushed off in dramatic fashion. I’ve also met and dated women of unique vintage and beauty. When you take the risk of talking to someone you don’t know, rejection is the only certainty. But failure is exciting–it’s a chance to learn and improve. There’s a name for guys who never get rejected by women, never say the wrong thing, and never have their ego bruised by the opposite sex: Internet Porn Connaisseurs.
- Get out of your house! Don’t spend months trying to get past step #1. Even if you’re not sure exactly what you want, get out of your house and start opening up to the world. Motivation follows action, and experience will help inform your objectives.
How to Approach People
I prefer to keep my conversations fairly organic. I don’t like coming in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way, in my experience, is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment.
What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.
If you’ve never done this before, you may get brushed off several, even dozens of times until you get really comfortable being yourself in front of other people. Attractive women are highly socialized. A girl can sense your nervousness and anticipated rejection, and will take no prisoners when shooting you down.
That’s okay. It’s normal. Pat yourself on the back for having the balls to do what 95% of men around the world couldn’t do if their life depended on it. Then move on to the next one.
What I’ve Learned from Talking to Strangers
Talking to strangers has, literally, changed my world view and my life. It’s taught me so many things that I could never have learned from a book. Here’s what I’ve taken away from my experiences thus far:
- People don’t bite. A lot of people are really open to conversation. In fact, you’d be amazed at how many girls will be practically overjoyed that you came and talked to them, as if they’ve been waiting for you to approach them.
- Rejection is no big deal. I can’t repeat this enough. Still, fear of rejection will be the main reason why guys don’t go out and try this. If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome sex life. Period.
- Authenticity is the silver bullet. An honest individuality is the most magnetic of human qualities. But keep in mind that buying a girl a drink and showering her with compliments is not being sweetly authentic; it’s saying “I want to sleep with you.”
- The people around you aren’t watching. And, even when they are, it’s usually in shock and awe, rather than because they’re laughing at you.
- Other guys will get out of your way. You’ll be amazed how often other guys simply fade into the background when you approach their female friends.
I could go on, but ultimately it comes down to you experiencing it for yourself.
One Approach a Day
If you’re still terrified by the idea of talking to strangers, I’d recommend one specific challenge to get you started, which I’ve done myself: Talk to one stranger a day, every day, for 30 days.
If you’re walking past a girl on the sidewalk, say “Hi”, and she looks at you and keeps walking (done that many times), your job is done for the day. If you walk up to a girl in a club and say “Hey!”, and she responds, with a slightly grossed out look “I have a boyfriend.”, congratulations, you’re one step closer to improving your love life. The point of this exercise is to get you used to talking to people you don’t know and form the habit of being more social.
Talking to strangers will change your life. You’ll meet new people every day, you’ll give yourself control over your social and love life, and you’ll experience firsthand the joy of living dangerously.
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thanks for this article, I think this will help me propel a bit about socializing
This is a very fascinating article-but I have a couple questions. When you go up to talk to a girl, what do you say?! And what happens if there is an uncomfortable silence?
Secondly, how do you reply to “fuck off” or “I have a boyfriend”?
Great Post Brad.
I’ve been following a similar path (although not chronicling it as well) and my life is changing for the better every day.
Once you start talking to people all the time it changes the way you see the world, it becomes addictive and you start to crave it. It’s amazing how these small changes can really transform your life.
I have little problem making acquaintances being sociable etc. but unlike most of the other posters who have had success I don’t enjoy most social interaction and it is exhausting/straining to me.
I have been experimenting on this subject this summer and I pretty much agree with Brad. However, it was sometimes hard for me to figure out if Brad was talking about talking to strangers or talking to girls. There are, of course, differences between these two. I myself have focused on girls ;)
One important thing is the social context: at least for me, it is easier to approach girls in the club than on the street.
It may be helpful to approach this issue in such a goal-setting way. Still, you have to remember that it is only the first step: it is when you don’t have to think about it too much when you really master the all-important art of talking to strangers.
Greet topic. As we are social “animals” it is natural to communicate with others, strangers etc. We can not live in isolation. I don’t consider myself as social being but my two cents..
LOL great blog… i loved it… now im gonna get out there and meet all kind of girls… I’ll tell you on monday how i did :D
[...] Social Skydiving: The Art of Talking to Strangers (tags: lifehacks social relationships dating tips howto networking) [...]
@miklos:
You proberly are selfdeluted. Almost everyone is it in certain ways. But deciding what the case is, isn’t that hard. Afterall, it doens’t matter what the case is, but what you think what the case is. So, I would just stick with the fear-explenation.
And if you still want to hold on unto the other explenation about not needing sex, and seeing those things as a waste of time. Well, no dating means no sex means no children means no passing on the genes means you lose. Life is foremost about surviving , wich is hard without children. Secondly, the time you lose by having sex, you win with having genial children. Afterall, how smart you may be, you alone aren’t smart enough and time is the limit!
That all reminds of a
——————————–
Story of a really bad Approacher
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Take it as advice, i don’t wan’t to discourage anybody.
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There was a guy who interrupted me and a friend last week within our casual joking/chatting in a quite empty bar. He appeared, said “Hi!… May i sit !” and we answered: “Well..um..mmh. . . . yes.” — which me and all my friend(s) would interpret as “rather not we were chatting really good before you came” (He must have seen that) — There he sat.Gone was the Fun.OK, our fault.
What now ? OK lets talk some “general stuff” maybe ? We introduced ourselves. And talked a little bit
It took me 10-15 Minutes of him stumbling over simple jokes, overrapidly interacting with every fact we had to tell and “insulting” me of being sarcastic about him (i was not!) until i felt comfortable about the situation. His behavior made you definitely feel uncomfortable, but i tried to restrain this prejudistic feeling and converse. And then — TaDa !! — maybe finally would have a good discussion… we were the guests you endured him the longest so far and we thought it very interesiting to seriously talk about his way of conversation and his point of view of how this way should look to his targets and how it really did — at least to us — Unfortunatelly he wanted to leave us at that point — while we were climbing the slope to some very interesting things — I had to convince him “No i don’t dislike you, please sit down ! We’re in the middle of something really cool, relax and talk”. He sat. But from this point on the situation was hopeless and after some more sentences he stood up and left.We had a nice chat with the Barmaid — we never met her before ;) — before she closed. She told us, that the guy has been in that bar for quite some hours now and had have no luck with his “way of conversation”
——————————–
So Please:
Be an Approacher, but don’t be this guy !
btw. — got no fon-number fom the barmaid ;)
[...] Visit Social Skydiving: The Art of Talking to Strangers to learn how you can become a Social Skydiver. [...]
I hate it when strangers, especially guys, try to talk to me. I’m nice and endure it, but they never get the signals that I’m not into it. They probably had just read this tutorial and were plowing on. Ugh.
Wow…I never realised there were people that thought about stuff like this so much. You should get a website and call it SocialMisfits.com………..
Ive just started doing this an i find that i think i have a very negative aura. Like walking towards a girl she puts her head down an continues on. This happens all too often. This is all while shopping i have no idea but they should be having fun during the xmas season. THerefore my problem is i cant seem too pull myself too say hello if there is no eye contact.
can someone please elaborate what im doing wrong or right. cheers
@jonathon:
The best way to attract (in the LoA sense, not in the Mystery Method sense) a great girl into your life is to not need a great girl in your life. The “negative aura” is the radiant glow of desperation.
Neediness dissolves in the wake of purposeful motion. Start by figuring out what you want to do with your life. From there you can extrapolate what kind of girl is suited to that mission and let social polarity take care of the rest.
And keep in mind that decisions are temporary. It’s better to pursue a clearly defined purpose that changes from time to time, than to float around in what-if-land until the someday that’s always just around the corner.
I’ve come to the realization lately that you can live in fear or you can live out of love. Because I have consciously decided that love will rule my life it has become easier to make conversation with random people. I let go of my questioning animosity towards people and can smile more naturally now. I feel my intentions are purer and this makes me more free to connect with others. Think about your thoughts more… are your thoughts fearful, judgmental, hateful, angry? You may not be able to change your moods all the time but just remember that at your core… you have chosen love.
Johnathon, it may be that your ‘aura’ is fine and your just a bit of an ugly fekker!
I am so trying this =)
I like the idea (first few comments) that if you talk to enough people you’ll find some who are interesting to you.
I have no trouble approaching and chatting with people but after a few minutes of conversation I find I’m often bored, or while whoever I’m talking to seems interested in me, they aren’t talking back much. It’s not hard to get around this, I just ask questions. I’ve walked away from a fair few pretty girls and a fair few useful contacts because they bored me.
I suppose ultimately, if the aren’t very interesting to talk to then why talk to them? Go say hi to other people ’till you fins someone engaging.
Hi
Just one question- unrelated with the subject of this article. Why is your blog so guy-centric (if that’s a word..)? I’m not saying you have to sexism in language to extremes, but there are women on the internet too!