I’ve travelled all over the world, from New York to Cape Town, Rio de Janeiro to Tokyo. I’ve had the privilege of working with brilliant minds. A few years ago I learned French, and mastered the language well enough to speak in horrible slang with a fully authentic accent. I bought my first house not even 72 hours after my first ever house-shopping expedition, and only hours before I was due on a plane to Australia.
But the single most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done was to make a habit of talking to strangers.
Nothing has changed my world view, and my life, more than taking the risk of saying “Hi” to people I don’t know on a regular basis. Whether I’m walking down a busy shopping street, longboarding in the park, or out at a nightclub, I see every moment that I’m out in the world as a chance to meet new people.
How to Become a Social Skydiver
I can’t help but geek out on almost everything I do. Dating, relationships, and social circle building are no exception. I set goals in those areas and take action to achieve them. Here’s the recipe I use for bringing new people into my life, whether it’s making new friends around common interests, meeting women, or making business contacts.
- Figure out what you want. What kind of social life do you want? What kind of people do you want to meet? Do you want a serious girlfriend or something more casual? Knowing what you want helps you focus on spending your social time in productive ways.
- Smallchunk it. Start with smaller daily or weekly goals to propel you in the right direction. For example, a few years ago I decided to give up online dating forever, and meet girls only through real world means. I started by going out and just making eye contact with girls in the street, too shy to even open my mouth. I worked my way up to deeper interactions in various social situations. These days, I can go from no love life whatsoever to dating in a week or two.
- Let go of your ego. I’ve been told to “Fuck off!” I’ve been ignored. I’ve been brushed off in dramatic fashion. I’ve also met and dated women of unique vintage and beauty. When you take the risk of talking to someone you don’t know, rejection is the only certainty. But failure is exciting–it’s a chance to learn and improve. There’s a name for guys who never get rejected by women, never say the wrong thing, and never have their ego bruised by the opposite sex: Internet Porn Connaisseurs.
- Get out of your house! Don’t spend months trying to get past step #1. Even if you’re not sure exactly what you want, get out of your house and start opening up to the world. Motivation follows action, and experience will help inform your objectives.
How to Approach People
I prefer to keep my conversations fairly organic. I don’t like coming in with “canned material”, “nuclear attraction” routines, or other social robotics. The best way, in my experience, is to come from the heart and live fully in the moment.
What you say isn’t nearly as important as how you say it. Socializing is about exchanging energy, not being a wordsmith. When in doubt, just say “Hi”.
If you’ve never done this before, you may get brushed off several, even dozens of times until you get really comfortable being yourself in front of other people. Attractive women are highly socialized. A girl can sense your nervousness and anticipated rejection, and will take no prisoners when shooting you down.
That’s okay. It’s normal. Pat yourself on the back for having the balls to do what 95% of men around the world couldn’t do if their life depended on it. Then move on to the next one.
What I’ve Learned from Talking to Strangers
Talking to strangers has, literally, changed my world view and my life. It’s taught me so many things that I could never have learned from a book. Here’s what I’ve taken away from my experiences thus far:
- People don’t bite. A lot of people are really open to conversation. In fact, you’d be amazed at how many girls will be practically overjoyed that you came and talked to them, as if they’ve been waiting for you to approach them.
- Rejection is no big deal. I can’t repeat this enough. Still, fear of rejection will be the main reason why guys don’t go out and try this. If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome sex life. Period.
- Authenticity is the silver bullet. An honest individuality is the most magnetic of human qualities. But keep in mind that buying a girl a drink and showering her with compliments is not being sweetly authentic; it’s saying “I want to sleep with you.”
- The people around you aren’t watching. And, even when they are, it’s usually in shock and awe, rather than because they’re laughing at you.
- Other guys will get out of your way. You’ll be amazed how often other guys simply fade into the background when you approach their female friends.
I could go on, but ultimately it comes down to you experiencing it for yourself.
One Approach a Day
If you’re still terrified by the idea of talking to strangers, I’d recommend one specific challenge to get you started, which I’ve done myself: Talk to one stranger a day, every day, for 30 days.
If you’re walking past a girl on the sidewalk, say “Hi”, and she looks at you and keeps walking (done that many times), your job is done for the day. If you walk up to a girl in a club and say “Hey!”, and she responds, with a slightly grossed out look “I have a boyfriend.”, congratulations, you’re one step closer to improving your love life. The point of this exercise is to get you used to talking to people you don’t know and form the habit of being more social.
Talking to strangers will change your life. You’ll meet new people every day, you’ll give yourself control over your social and love life, and you’ll experience firsthand the joy of living dangerously.
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[...] other day, I was reading an awesome article — Social Skydiving: The Art of Talking to Strangers. This article is a result of the inspiration from that nice [...]
gooood
This is equivocally true to the art of sales and therefore I like your article. My love life is OK, and my sales life can do with Brad’s encouragement.
I literally broke into a cold sweat as I read this post. The thought of talking to a complete stranger is terrifying. I bet it could be as exciting as Skydiving. Im gonna break out of my shell and try this.
[...] geleden botste ik op volgende site: 30sleeps.com Social Skydiving was een artikel van de site (Social Skydiving: The Art of Talking to Strangers). Het gaat er eigenlijk over om alleen het sociale leven in te trekken en tegen wildvreemde mensen [...]
I started talking complete strangers recently whilst travelling – I was taking long haul flights between the UK and China, talking to people really helped to past the time and I ended up with a bunch of people I’ve kept in touch with. It goes to show most people just want someone to (figuratively) reach out!
Great post on opening up oneself to possibilities. I can relate as I became a student of working up the ladder when I was younger and I met my fiance on the plane. You are absolutely correct, just start with a Hi and let it flow naturally.
[...] not something I could do beforehand due to my shyness to talk to strangers, but lots of practice of social skydiving has deprogrammed me from the bogus attitude of NOT being open to helping new [...]
The general concept of talking to strangers here is excellent but I have to say I do find some of the things insulting. Yes, it is good to go out and create possibilities for a richer life, but as a woman, I find some of the things you say disgusting.
‘Do you want a serious girlfriend or something more casual?’ I don’t want to be approached as a sort of tool towards getting a ’serious girlfriend’ or ’something casual’. I am a human being, and I’d prefer to be approached as that– not in anyway romantic, or worse than romantic– just sexual gratification and amusement on your part. Treat me as a person you know nothing about, with no yucky designs whatever, and I’ll be happy with that, but if this is in your head at the same time I’m not a bit impressed. It’s plain predatory.
‘If you are willing to get rejected, brush it off and keep going, you will have an awesome sex life. Period.’ Urgh. What about knowing people, friendship, communication? If you approach a person with the goal in the back of your head of this being a way to have ‘an awesome sex life’ you’re not being ‘authentic’ even if you don’t buy ‘a girl a drink and showering her with compliments’. It’s creepy, it’s offensive, it’s disrespectful, and I have a strong suspicion that if I ever were to be approached by you, and knew you’d written this article, I’d be giving you something worse than a brush off.
@Alice
Hurr durr, being approached by a person who thinks you might be atractive is yucky.
Fact of the matter is, many people don’t care about knowing people, friendship and communication. And even if they do, they’ll still have these social issues of being scared to interact with strangers.
Keep in mind that if you can detect that ‘goal’ in the back of the guy’s head you may feel offended… someone else may feel flattered or validated.
Stop being the queen bitch of the universe and realize that puritanism doesn’t apply to everyone around you.. I should know, I’m a friggin’ virgo, puritanism galore.
Also, keep in mind that you seem to be making prejudiced comments all the way… what would keep you from making a prejudiced decision when being approached by someone who just honestly seeks companionship and communication, not sexual gratification? Will you be creeped out, offended and feel disrespected? Will you give them something worse than a brush-off? What? A kick in the nuts?
Crazy bitches like you are half the reason why most people have developed social anxiety. We’re not only afraid of being rejected, we’re also afraid of being judged, we don’t want to offend/scare/etc. or be perceived as that, and I for one really feel like foregoing all social interaction or assistance when some broad drops her cellphone, I friendly pick it up, approach her, say “Excuse me”, gently tap her shoulder and she jumps screaming “Ah! Stay away creep!” before she even gets to turn around to see why she’s been approached.
What kind of “friendship and communication” would you establish with your diatribe against this author, since that kind of thing apparently gets you off. Treating someone like a person you know nothing about, implies DISREGARDING YOUR ASSUMPTIONS OF THEM, because you don’t know them, and thus relying on your own standards/tastes/preferences/wants, since those are the things you care for and want to satisfy, having no existent rapport with the person you’re approaching.
Well, moral of the story, i think you’re a prejudiced puritanic cunt, who should realize the world is bigger than just you, and that some interactions that you perceive as ‘yucky’ and ‘disgusting’, many/most other people perceive as FUCKING HONEST and NECESSARY for emotional and physical satisfaction.
Very a good article post here!
Certainly sounds like a complete contrary note to the advice we learned from childhood, our parents tell us. “Never talk to strangers” as the old adage goes. A tried and true golden rule that’s practiced well countless of times.
As far as this subject matter expert above, rules can be bend?
You are absolutely right, rejection is not a big deal, but this cannot be taught, it needs to be learned by continuous practice in the field. Great article.
hey Brad thats nice…….i jst wish if u were here with me we wud hav done lots of fun together.
For me u r my 3rd stranger of the week
This article is super helpful & on point. Also, I completely agree with Vlad. I’m a woman and I think Alice is waaaay off. The points expressed in the article are not at all yucky or disrespectful in any way. The author never implies disrespect…on the contrary. He specifically says NOT to bullshit women by showering them w/ compliments, but instead be secure of yourself & brutally honest. I would be so attracted by this & much prefer have a man be straight w/ me than act like someone he isn’t just to seem appealing to me. And btw Alice, the initial meeting between 2 strangers is very contingent on initial attraction- the physical characteristics (including mannerisms, the way one carries him/herself-not only physical feautures). Only then can someone’s personality & attitude spark interest in something more. Men DO think about sex most of the time, so its natural they may picture u naked when they meet you…that’s not to say they won’t picture u as something much more once they get to know u. The author doesn’t say “here are tricks to get women in bed.” In the beginning of the article, he even suggests to 1st figure out whether u want a relationship or something more casual. Alice, u totally read into this all wrongly. And, newsflash: not every woman wants something serious; I personally do, but that’s not to say that other women & men may just want to enjoy each other’s company casually.either way,the article’s main point had nothing to do w/ that. It was about being secure enough to talk to strangers & open to meeting new people. Your flat-out judgement is part of the reason why people have this social anxiety- as Vlad so rightfully put it. I loved the article & found it right-on. Thanks
Some great points to consider here! A great look at the power of human connection. I have recently started a project with the aim of meeting 100 strangers for a cup of tea. An idea born in England (where I currently live) – I am trying to challenge myself every day to take advantage of the social opportunities that life throws at me. I also try to take it a step further, sharing these meetings/experiences with others – and even going to great lengths to meet people who are willing to sit down for a chat. The power of conversation is often overlooked, but it is by no means a lost art!
I want to know if a cup of tea (and a conversation) can change me life. Though, I think I already know what answer I will find at the end of it all. 15 cups down – 85 to go! http://www.onehundredcups.com if you want to share some ideas or have a read through! And feel free to drop me a line if you are reading things – greg@onehundredcups.com!
What about shy girls?? :(
How is rejection “a chance to learn and improve”? People don’t tell you why they ignore you, why they insult you, or why they reject you. What information does one gain that makes one “improve”, if no one openly verbally states why the approach failed?
I believe that you can learn from rejection. If you are being rejected all of the time than you are not using certain methods that can be used for others to say yes
Kudos to Vlad and Mari, both! I absolutely agree. The Alices of this world are the reason why most fear rejection. Alice simply perpetuates the fear-mongering by threatening something worse than a “brush-off”. And, though Vlad nails it, Mari provides balance to this “argument”. The Voice of Reason, you are, Mari. Thank you.
[...] friends. Oh, and an article that got me some of the most interesting friends (not my website): Social Skydiving: The Art of Talking to Strangers __________________ Hmm [...]