I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.
– Billy Joel
You aren’t attractive enough. You aren’t smart enough. You aren’t cool enough. You aren’t man enough. Your idea won’t work. You’re too short. You’re too tall. You’re too chunky. You don’t have enough money. I already have a boyfriend. I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I’m really busy this week. But we should totally hang out some time!
Rejection sucks. It’s like being told you just aren’t up to snuff–better luck next time. But does it have to be this way? Why are we so afraid of rejection? Is our fear rational? How different would your life be if you could learn to not only tolerate rejection, but embrace it?
It turns out you can. In fact, if you are willing to experience rejection on a massive scale, you will give yourself the opportunity to do more fulfilling work, make a lot more money, and have much greater choice in your social and love life.
Why We Fear Rejection
Have you ever watched the way a three-year-old interacts with the world?
I was talking to a gorgeous redhead in the park the other day, and this little kid walked up to her right in the middle of our conversation and started talking to her. He was completely enamoured with her. He started rolling around on the ground and impressing her with toddler gymnastics. He took a swig of her water bottle. He had her smiling and laughing. He was amusing himself. And he didn’t give a fuck that I was there.
We are not born with a fear of rejection. We are taught it. It emerges from that collection of rationalizations that we develop about ourselves called the ego.
“Ego” is a Latin word meaning “I”. When we refer to our “identity”, what we’re really referring to is our ego. It’s the part of our brain where our labels are stored: “hard-working”, “dependable”, “honest”, “trustworthy”, “intelligent”, “attractive”, “overachiever”, and so on. The ego is also the mediator between our primal instincts, our moral standards, and the outside world. It helps us relate to one another and stay out of trouble.
But while the ego keeps us out of jail, it can become a prison of its own. The downside of being labelled “intelligent” or “attractive” or “hard-working” is that our ego requires constant reinforcement of this identity.
But how can you be “intelligent” if your boss just shot down what you thought was the most original idea you had all year? How can you be “attractive” if you just got blown out by that girl? And surely you can’t call yourself “good at what you do” when you just sent out 20 CVs and didn’t even get a single response!
To the ego, rejection is the ultimate menace.
How Fear of Rejection Affects You
Take a moment to consider how much you’re being held back by fear of rejection.
How many times have you simply given up looking for a certain type of work because you got so discouraged by the lack of response?
How many times have you seen a beautiful girl, that you wished you had the guts to talk to, but just couldn’t because you were afraid of being snubbed?
How often do you avoid striking up conversation with people–guys or girls–out of concern that they might not like you?
I recently went through a period of a few months where I felt like I was living in a “self-induced repression”. I was so afraid of rejection that I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to strangers. I was blocking my own path. My fear of rejection resulted in a self-imposed celibacy.
And every guy with a high-speed internet connection knows what that means.
How to Overcome Fear of Rejection
The way to overcome fear of rejection is: Don’t try to overcome it. Instead, condition yourself to take action in spite of the fear. If you’re afraid to say hi to the girl, just say hi to her anyway. If you’re worried that your idea might not fly with management, and you might look like an idiot, just say what you need to say. Stand up for your own truth.
This kind of exposure therapy is useful for at least three reasons. First, it teaches you that rejection is just not that bad. If the girl ignores you, who cares? If you send 20 CVs and get no response, so what? Second, it helps desensitize you to what is an entirely imagined problem anyway. And third, it creates opportunities. Just because you say hi to some girl doesn’t mean you’ll end up spending the evening together in lustful embrace. But if you do nothing, you’ll definitely be going home alone.
To give you some perspective, the ratio of girls I approach to girls I ultimately go on a date with is about 25:1. And, when I was doing software consulting, my ratio of CVs sent to signing a contract–for a good rate, doing work that interested me–was about 40:1.
Embracing Rejection vs. Giving Up Easily
Of course, “embracing rejection” doesn’t mean “giving up easily”. It just means fully accepting and acting congruently with the idea that you decide your worth. It means getting out of your own way, and giving yourself permission to live life on your own terms, instead of being controlled by other people’s responses.
Sometimes “No” just means you haven’t yet given the other person enough reasons to say “Yes”. But other times, no really means no. You have to rely on your intuition to sort out which is which.
So, take Billy Joel’s advice and be “more of a fool”. Embracing rejection will improve your quality of life.
And Finally…
I’d like to end this article by saying thank you to all the “early adopters” of this blog. In the last two weeks, this blog has been read by almost 20,000 people from 115 countries. The primary purpose of this blog is to help others grow, and to give me a place to share what I’ve learned about life so far, in the hopes that others may benefit. It’s encouraging to have this kind of reach this early on.
I know these numbers are small potatoes for some, but for me it’s a sign that I’m off to a good start.
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I really liked this article. I am trying to get rid of worry of ‘What other people think of me’. This is the most effective article that i have found till now. A very different way of thinking which is present in real life.
Thanks a lot.
[...] Talvez sim, talvez não. Mas como quero mudar, preciso ter coragem e é isso que vou fazer. Li um post que me ajudou bastante a entender esse medo que sentimos ao conhecer pessoas. Ele é natural, mas [...]
To put it simply, this article is f’ing awesome.
Theres my sign. Another Levi complimented on it. I’m definitely going to act on this, its worth a shot.
Basically, this article made me change what i think of myself and others around me. i actually felt that if i wanted change, only i have the power to make it! I really enjopy reading your articles and absorb the information like a sponge in a sea! not tryin to sound cliched or wierd: but i think that this is the key and to open the door you just need to implement the action yourself. All of you lot are absolutely right… axel g its true Fear does only limit us. What i try to think is that everyone is difference , rather than dwelling in yours explore the other dofferences around you. PS I am an english student and Brad i think your a great persuassive writer, if you dont mind could email me some tips on how you format and structure your writting? Thanks alott. ur great..
I agree with your post from the deepest depths of my being. I suffered from fear for most of my adult life and it really is a matter of getting out there and doing it. The more we try it, the wider our comfort zone becomes and it becomes easier to cope with rejection in social circles.
It took me years to understand that I should not view this felling as rejection. The other person simply does not align with us or our views and that is all. We turn the refusal into rejection to prevent harm to ouor emotions/ego. All we have to do is let it go and move on.
All too often we can get into negative self talk and convince ourselves that we are terribly unlucky or not good enough, rather than realising that rejection happens to EVERYONE. It’s a numbers game, sometimes you’ll get rejected and sometimes you won’t. If we focus on that fact when rejection happens, it won’t hurt us so much.
just wanted to say that girl read this site too and rejection can be part of our lives as well. i feel like putting myself out there more and this post is helping me pluck up the courage.
thankyou.
[...] the idea. Check this article out from a site i read a lot for self-help. Hope this helps a little. Embracing Rejection I have been scared to embarc on the rejection journey. I keep telling myself, i will start soon, [...]
Precise, Practical…Perfect Blog…
I really like this article. In all honestly I googled “why do humans fear rejection” because I want to know why I let it get in the way of my happiness. I’ve had my eye on this gay for the last year and now that school is almost over I want to approach him and ask him on a date but I can never find the courage to do it. I came to the conclusion that my fear of rejection is what holds me back. Although I loved this article I have to say, Better said than done! It is so hard, hopefully I gain some courage because tomorrow is the last day I might see him.
When asking myself if I should do something that freak me out, I just say to myself “What is the worst that could happen?” and then laugh a little at the imagined unlikely scenarios. And then, I do it.
In time, I have associated rejection with “at least that mean I went for it” It works for me. What about you guys?
Great post Brad.