I really wish I was less of a thinking man and more of a fool not afraid of rejection.
– Billy Joel
You aren’t attractive enough. You aren’t smart enough. You aren’t cool enough. You aren’t man enough. Your idea won’t work. You’re too short. You’re too tall. You’re too chunky. You don’t have enough money. I already have a boyfriend. I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I’m really busy this week. But we should totally hang out some time!
Rejection sucks. It’s like being told you just aren’t up to snuff–better luck next time. But does it have to be this way? Why are we so afraid of rejection? Is our fear rational? How different would your life be if you could learn to not only tolerate rejection, but embrace it?
It turns out you can. In fact, if you are willing to experience rejection on a massive scale, you will give yourself the opportunity to do more fulfilling work, make a lot more money, and have much greater choice in your social and love life.
Why We Fear Rejection
Have you ever watched the way a three-year-old interacts with the world?
I was talking to a gorgeous redhead in the park the other day, and this little kid walked up to her right in the middle of our conversation and started talking to her. He was completely enamoured with her. He started rolling around on the ground and impressing her with toddler gymnastics. He took a swig of her water bottle. He had her smiling and laughing. He was amusing himself. And he didn’t give a fuck that I was there.
We are not born with a fear of rejection. We are taught it. It emerges from that collection of rationalizations that we develop about ourselves called the ego.
“Ego” is a Latin word meaning “I”. When we refer to our “identity”, what we’re really referring to is our ego. It’s the part of our brain where our labels are stored: “hard-working”, “dependable”, “honest”, “trustworthy”, “intelligent”, “attractive”, “overachiever”, and so on. The ego is also the mediator between our primal instincts, our moral standards, and the outside world. It helps us relate to one another and stay out of trouble.
But while the ego keeps us out of jail, it can become a prison of its own. The downside of being labelled “intelligent” or “attractive” or “hard-working” is that our ego requires constant reinforcement of this identity.
But how can you be “intelligent” if your boss just shot down what you thought was the most original idea you had all year? How can you be “attractive” if you just got blown out by that girl? And surely you can’t call yourself “good at what you do” when you just sent out 20 CVs and didn’t even get a single response!
To the ego, rejection is the ultimate menace.
How Fear of Rejection Affects You
Take a moment to consider how much you’re being held back by fear of rejection.
How many times have you simply given up looking for a certain type of work because you got so discouraged by the lack of response?
How many times have you seen a beautiful girl, that you wished you had the guts to talk to, but just couldn’t because you were afraid of being snubbed?
How often do you avoid striking up conversation with people–guys or girls–out of concern that they might not like you?
I recently went through a period of a few months where I felt like I was living in a “self-induced repression”. I was so afraid of rejection that I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to strangers. I was blocking my own path. My fear of rejection resulted in a self-imposed celibacy.
And every guy with a high-speed internet connection knows what that means.
How to Overcome Fear of Rejection
The way to overcome fear of rejection is: Don’t try to overcome it. Instead, condition yourself to take action in spite of the fear. If you’re afraid to say hi to the girl, just say hi to her anyway. If you’re worried that your idea might not fly with management, and you might look like an idiot, just say what you need to say. Stand up for your own truth.
This kind of exposure therapy is useful for at least three reasons. First, it teaches you that rejection is just not that bad. If the girl ignores you, who cares? If you send 20 CVs and get no response, so what? Second, it helps desensitize you to what is an entirely imagined problem anyway. And third, it creates opportunities. Just because you say hi to some girl doesn’t mean you’ll end up spending the evening together in lustful embrace. But if you do nothing, you’ll definitely be going home alone.
To give you some perspective, the ratio of girls I approach to girls I ultimately go on a date with is about 25:1. And, when I was doing software consulting, my ratio of CVs sent to signing a contract–for a good rate, doing work that interested me–was about 40:1.
Embracing Rejection vs. Giving Up Easily
Of course, “embracing rejection” doesn’t mean “giving up easily”. It just means fully accepting and acting congruently with the idea that you decide your worth. It means getting out of your own way, and giving yourself permission to live life on your own terms, instead of being controlled by other people’s responses.
Sometimes “No” just means you haven’t yet given the other person enough reasons to say “Yes”. But other times, no really means no. You have to rely on your intuition to sort out which is which.
So, take Billy Joel’s advice and be “more of a fool”. Embracing rejection will improve your quality of life.
And Finally…
I’d like to end this article by saying thank you to all the “early adopters” of this blog. In the last two weeks, this blog has been read by almost 20,000 people from 115 countries. The primary purpose of this blog is to help others grow, and to give me a place to share what I’ve learned about life so far, in the hopes that others may benefit. It’s encouraging to have this kind of reach this early on.
I know these numbers are small potatoes for some, but for me it’s a sign that I’m off to a good start.
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This is a great article and a great blog. Keep up the good work.
Lately, it seems to get harder for adults to socialize as more people are apt to stay indoors, play video games, whatever.
Besides, if you’re not into the bar scene, and if you’re several years out of college, where do you go to socialize? I think many people do fine in controlled environments like school, church, or around family, but place them outside of that comfort zone and they’re virtually helpless. I guess this is why so many guys and gals end up home by themselves at night, and that select few are out having a good time. It takes confidence. But how do you go about getting that? Is it something in-born, can you just wish it into existence? through some form of auto-hypnosis? Everyone has something to be proud of, but not everyone can draw enough strength from their achievements to overcome their fear of rejection/fear of meeting new people.
No Brad, thank you. :)
This is probably the only blog I’ve ever found worth reading, and as far as similar advice on the web goes, this is the only thing I’ve found that isn’t ultimately just a bunch of plattitudes. I love reading your articles, keep it up!
I completely second what Robert said. This is a very worthwhile blog, thank you so much for sharing your life-learnings.
I’m going to uni soon and will be facing a completely new social experience, and I definitely think this advice couldn’t have come into my life at a better time.
Thank you.
@Dean, yeah, gaining the confidence is a bit chicken-and-egg. I’ve found that I can’t read or self-affirm my way to social confidence. What brings me up most is going out there and doing it. And, oddly, even getting ignored pumps me up, because I’m fuelled by the feeling I get from taking action, which far outweighs the downsides of being ignored.
Thanks for the positive feedback all. :)
Thanks!
Nice article, very true!
Even if this is the 32nd time I’ve heard this, it’s still invaluable information. Perhaps i need to hear it over and over again until it gets thru my thick skull. thanks man
thanks for this Nice article! i’ll link
it in my next post in family and
self improvement on http://blog.07video.com
[...] Embaracing Rejection [...]
you rock. so does this site. its awsome. exactly what i need right now.
and another thing:
this site is quiet. nice and relaxing after surfing through tons of sites with moving images and advertisments. a big thanks to all the people on this site for a job well done. keep it up!
Thanks guys. :)
@ Zangetsu5051:
Cheers for the design compliment. Of course, it’s still using a theme that is freely downloadable, but I intend to revamp it in the coming months, to make even better use of screen real estate.
I’m driven towards simplicity in all aspects of my life, so I intend for this blog to be a natural reflection of that.
As the Duke once said “Courage is being scared to death but saddlin up anyways”
Dude, if you want blog numbers that are small potatoes, come on over to Two Kitties! :) Great blog – I love it.
YOUR blog is great I mean!
i love your style! that down to earth honesty :) its different from many other “grown up” blogs on personal development. mmmmhh love it! keep up the originality and quality!
Thanks for this article! It encouraged me a lot. Keep on writing! Keep on inspiring!
It’s a great post. One I truly adhere to. But I have a question. I’ve tried to imagine the situations in my past where I have been rejected before and tried to feel about not caring about what they think of me. It’s getting better a little over time.
However, rejection is and will always hurt for me. I’m wondering if there is anyway that you can induce hypnosis by the help of someone else. I’ve been able to not care about the situation in my mind. But I’m wondering if I can be hypnotized to not care, you know, get that feeling I have in my mind and reinforce it into my subconscious mind so that I will always have that feeling.
Not sure if any of you guys understand what I mean, but there it is.
http://www.succeedsocially.com
http://www.datinggroundwork.com
This site lets you join interest groups online then meet in real life:
http://www.meetup.com
Anyway,
Many thanks for this article. I really liked your talking to strangers article. Great stuff.
I practiced chatting up strangers at age 19. I rode the bus system and met people at bus stops. 6 months of this served as a social skills intensive. But guys, ya gotta keep this up. I began driving and afterwards, I wasn’t really approaching strangers anymore. Then alot of that newfound confidence faded away.
————– TO AMY: —————–
You’d be seeing a hypnotherapist. I haven’t done this yet but a hypnotherapist told me here’s how social stuff is handled… Once in the hypnotic state, the hypnotherapist uses tools to find the root of your issue. Then you rip out the root together and plug in some new stuff that helps you succeed.
I caution you though not to assume that it will be the one solution that solves it all effortlessly.
I’ve been through enough self-help attempts to know that a magic bullet won’t be found. I must go out there and take action. I won’t ever have it where I get on this golden road and it’s like a straight high speed smooth sailing shot to the finish line. I’ll face rejection. I’ll hit setbacks. But eventually I will reach my goal.
Self hypnosis for example…
- They present it as the easy and effortless cure-all. Feed yourself positive statements in the hypnotic state and they effortlessly sink in and you’re into the wild yonder!
- Then you find out that it’s not as simple as going into the hypnotic state and telling yourself “I am confident and successful”. For one you have to repeat that numerous times. Keep at it and you’ll notice little things like: taking organization more seriously, keeping a slightly better calendar, etc.
- If not results in 2 weeks, you may need to re-word these commands. Each time you must try it for a couple weeks to test them.
- You must TRULY want to change in order for hypnosis to work. If you only want to give up smoking because of nagging family members, that won’t cut it.
- Or perhaps you’ve got some hidden underlyling buried issue that nullifies this hypnotic command. In this case mere repetition isn’t going to help. That will require the help of a professional. So he helps you discover the root and rip it out. Then he puts in beneficial commands…
- Notice how many layers I peeled back. Now it’d be good if the hypno got you this far. But I’m skeptical that it’d be the mythical golden road from here on out. You’d probably still be hesitant to approach strangers. You’d still feel hurt by rejection. You’ll get frustrated with set-backs. At least you’ll have a better mindset.
The top two links have good stuff on magic bullets.
Fear only limits us!
Helpful post +_+
i needed this article!