I am much better employed from every point of view, when I live solely for my own satisfaction, than when I begin to worry about the world. The world frightens me, and a frightened man is no good for anything.
– George Gissing
Wow. That girl who just walked over to the frozen food section is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen: tall, slim, beautiful long, dark, silky hair, and a skimpy summer outfit that is almost frustratingly revealing of her perfect figure. That, you tell yourself, is exactly the kind of girl you want. Of course, you never actually say anything to her, because she’d probably think you’re weird to just go up and talk to her like that…right?
The biggest roadblock that is holding most of us back from living exactly the life we want is entirely self-created: It’s that we actually care what other people think.
Imagine what your life would be like if you just did what you wanted to do, instead of being imprisoned by social conditioning. Imagine if every time you saw that beautiful girl in the supermarket, you said hi to her. Imagine how much happier you’d be if you stopped doing things that other people thought were cool, and started living every moment as the full expression of who you are.
The most adrenaline-pumping risk you can take in life is to be yourself. Authenticity is a learnable skill and developing that skill requires taking action. As Einstein said, “Nothing happens until something moves.”
Acknowledge the Problem
If you feel that your actions (or lack thereof) are governed in large part by social conditioning, the first step to not caring what other people think is to not only accept that this is a problem in your life, but that it is the most serious problem of all. It’s holding you back from meeting the girl of your dreams. It’s tearing you apart when you choose to define yourself by what other people think of you. It’s preventing you from doing things you really want to do, because you’re worried that other people may look down upon you or criticize your efforts.
By making authenticity your top priority, you’ll grant yourself the time and energy required to learn how to stand up for your own truth.
Give Yourself Permission to Be You
Friends aren’t forever, lovers often go their separate ways, and even families sometimes fall apart. The only person who is guaranteed to be by your side through thick and thin from your first breath to your last sputter is you.
Be your own role model. The only person you need validation from is yourself. You’re here for a reason because you choose to have a reason to be here. If you see life as something to endure rather than to enjoy, it’s because you’re letting yourself be controlled by the world, rather than being your own force of nature.
Would you date yourself? Would you hire yourself? Would you invite yourself to your own party? If not, consider the reasons why and do something about it. Be more of what you want to attract into your life. Hit the gym and burn the fat. Stop torturing yourself by choosing to drag yourself through the daily grind, and find something meaningful that you can really sink your teeth into. Instead of being the wallflower, use social occasions as a chance to amuse yourself.
Experience Massive Rejection
One of the biggest risks of being yourself is getting rejected. The girl might ignore you. The prospective employer may catch you off-guard with questions you have no idea how to answer (never mind that you could Google them in about five seconds). Your work might get strongly criticized, or even discarded.
The best way of getting over this fear, in my experience, is exposure therapy. To experience rejection on a massive scale, go out into the world and talk to everyone. Don’t go out with the intention of getting anything, just do it to prove to yourself that rejection is no big deal. As I’ve mentioned before, you can even give a friend some money and try to earn it back for each person you talk to, a few dollars at a time. Another enlightening lesson is to invite one of your “natural” buddies (you know, the guys who seem to get all the women without even trying) to do these approaches too. Then you’ll see that naturals get constantly rejected too.
While rejection comes in many forms, from getting cut from the basketball team to having your most prized work be thrown away, I find that social skydiving provides the most direct lessons in the art of getting blown out, and it’s a great way to build character. :)
Remember that no matter what you do, how you dress, how you act, what you say, or what your opinions are, you will polarize people. Some girls, for example, will look at you like you’re an alien from another planet. Others will think you’re a fire hydrant with feet. So you might as well just be yourself, and gravitate towards only those who amuse you.
Make Talking to Strangers a Habit
While the previous exercise is meant to be short-lived, I’m also a big fan of making meeting people a habit. Though some kamikaze social experimentation can be instructive, talking to people you don’t know on a regular basis will help you develop reusable social skills and a capacity to deal with social pressure.
Not only is this a great way to meet people, and even get dates, but it can teach you a lot about not caring what people think. For example, you’ll eventually realize that you can open a conversation with absolutely anything. And even that HUGE pimple on your nose and a bad hair day don’t have to impede your ability to connect with strangers.
All that time you spend worrying about what to say or “being cool” is for naught. What matters most is your energy. Not entertainment monkey gymnastic energy, but the awe-inspiring courage you have to go for exactly what you want and make yourself vulnerable.
Don’t Get High on Positive Feedback
I get feedback from readers every single day about this blog and it’s almost unanimously positive. And while it’s extremely rewarding to connect with people in a way that inspires them to change their lives, I don’t define myself by reader opinion. If you start believing people when they tell you how much you rock, then you’ll start believing them when they tell you how much you suck.
Moderate your emotional response. Be the impartial spectator observing the emotional sugar rush you get from a good reaction, and the pain and frustration you feel from being criticized or shutdown. Use feedback as a chance to learn something, but don’t let it mess with your head.
Likewise, don’t take ownership of nasty responses. Think about it: If a girl is truly happy with herself, enjoying life, thankful for being where she is, and at peace with the world around her, why would she look at you like you’re an alien just because you said hi?
Realize that the way a person reacts to the world around them says more about the person than the world around them. Angry people react angrily. Depressing people bring sadness to every circumstance. Complainers will always find something wrong.
Knowing Authenticity
While you might say that you don’t care what other people think, truly living authentically is another matter. You can hide the truth from other people, but you can’t hide it from yourself.
It’s not about what you say, but what you feel. The best way to know that you’re living an authentic life is to listen to your emotions. Are you living paycheque to paycheque emotionally, relying on the occasional positive response to give you a much-needed boost, or are you enjoying the riches of self-approval? Do you need a relationship to feel “complete” or do you blaze your own trail and let others come along for the ride? Would you trade your life for anyone else’s?
Caring what other people think will ensure you live a small life. The biggest risk we can take is to not risk being who we really are. No matter what you do, you will polarize people, so you might as well be yourself. You owe it to the world to be authentic.
The good news is that authenticity is a learnable skill. Like anything else, it all comes down to practice.
Share on Facebook
Tweet this post
Other Articles You Might Like
This seems to be a problem for many people. If you go to a internet forum such as ‘wrongplanet’, you begin to wonder how many people out there who self-diagnose themselves with Asperger’s Syndrome really just need to follow your advice and take social risks?
For the beginner, would it be best to attend structured events, such as church socials, or common interest meetings (hobbies, education, self-help) where the expectations are more in favor of at least cursory acceptance?
Or would it be better to take on situations where rejection is more likely, such as going to a nightclub, in order to experience and get a handle on the negative feelings, and to develop a thick skin?
I imagine probably both. I also think it would have to be frequent in order to have long term success
Nice article man. You rock! hahah.
There are a lot to learn from you.
But it does not necessarily mean that everything mentioned in the article is the absolute correct lifestyle that everyone need to follow.
Nice principles, but unfitted lifestyle-for me.
I love the idea that we should not let our emotion controlled by people. But at the same time, I don’t want to be a person who would not give a care about what people think. I love to please people who care about me. I would not spend all my saving on a world trip that I dream of, when my family or my special ones are in need. I can’t just date with any girls I like, because that would hurt my girl.
I learnt from you to “live in the moment”. But I don’t like the idea “live for myself”. My girl can leave me, family can be shattered, friends will be gone… To me, “live in the moment” just doesn’t mean do what I like and ignore others. To me, “live in the moment” would mean “not care that things will be gone” and love them to my best ability, now.
Each have there own culture background and personality. Me, I can’t ignore others, and I know a lot people that’s just like me – I love them.
I think that’s what you call authenticity, isn’t it?
Wow, really well thought out. Great article! Now if only saying was as easy as doing…I really want to not care about what people think because why should I? If I tell this guy in the most straightforward way possible that I like him, whether he reacts positively or negatively, I shouldn’t be bothered that much, life is short and once it’s done, that’s it so anything you do like say hi to that girl in the grocery store as you said, really will not matter so just do whatever makes you happiest
Great article. It reflects a lot of what I want to experience out of life. I cared less when I was a kid, and that allowed me to experience more.
Now, as a college student, I find I’m caring about things that shouldn’t matter. And that’s keeping me from getting the things I want.
I gotta stop caring!
Inspiring piece of writing that. Agree %100.
I like your thoughts. I went through a massive depression due to my confusion with the world and the people in it – I was a good person before but my niceness blindly rejected by a lot of people which hurt. I started to harbour a lot of anger and I punished myself mentally by giving myself a low self-esteem and a low self-image, seeing death as the only way out at one very low point…
but I turned it around, I started philosophising my existence which became my comfort. I started to see light at the end of the tunnel, and I started to see the flaws in other people rather than in myself.
I know I am not perfect but I am a good person, the world is full of imperfect people but don’t let them get you down. Know your own standards and don’t compromise them, if someone does wrong by you then forget about them but don’t let it change you, stay true to your nature.
I believe in Karma, ask the universe for anything and you will get it as long as you have good karma on your side. I am not airy fairy, infact I am a strong person who is capable of anything, but I let people get to me.. pity them but don’t let them bring you down to their level.
Peace.
YES, YES and YES. I am so glad you have taken the time to share this with all of your readers, and I am even more happy that Google introduced me to your website. I’ve been following it’s rabbit holes and appreciating the goodwill you are sharing.
Now, to implement it! To make sure that voice in my head is a positive one, the one that will be there from the first breath to the last :).
Fabulous, not sure exactly how I got here (something to do with researching problem drinking) but thankyou so, so much. And Gav, good on you, I can whole heartedly relate.
Ditto Judy – ended up here much the same way i think. There is something to be said for positive thinking, i just need to stop remembering but continuing to do so.
Nice article, cheers lad.
I Loved your article and it has helped me in the sense that I need to accept myself with all my flaws and all and this is something I have not been doing for the past 30 years or so I have been socially anxietied and shy for years for fear of rejection from people because you see guys I have been knocked down emotionally and socially for years even though I’ve tried for years to fit in with my family and people for years and it has not worked I am now renewing my relationship with Christ staying in his word more and prayer but besides this I have now come to the frustrating realization that I MUST LIVE MY LIFE AND FACE MY FEARS and not care about what people think anymore I am sick and tired of this bondage I must learn to love myself and accept myself this must end today Yah bless
I love your article. Will definitely try this. :)
Well written article! It touches on a lot of what I’ve been dealing with most of my life. It’s only recently that I’ve taken heed to the downfalls I’ve committed myself to re-experiencing. I never saw anything wrong with myself intrinsically, yet on the outside, would seek approval from people (mainly family, as it were). I’ve been trying new things and must admit it feels better than it used to when I was younger.
Aren’t we the harshest judges of ourselves, essentially? If that is the case, then it’s the best news, because that would mean that WE are the source of our problems and thus WE are the answers to our problems!
Thank you for your words, they have helped me sustain belief in myself.
Blessings,
This article has helped me to remember who I am! I hate caring what other people think, it’s like an iron chain being attached around my neck.. but when I reach the state of mind when I truly don’t care what other people think, I actually feeel free!.. it’s refreshing to know that you are your own master.. you hold all of the keys.. you unlock your own prison doors.
” If you start believing people when they tell you how much you rock, then you’ll start believing them when they tell you how much you suck. ”
This sentence just changed my life. Thanks
One thing I am afraid of doing is hurting people. How do I get over this? Not a lot of people interest me, but when they ask me to hang out I agree, and fake interest in a lot of what they say. Whenever I am in a group of people I don’t show interest in anyone because I am afraid the people I don’t like will be upset. How do I deal with this kind of authenticity, when it actually hurts someone to be authentic?
Hmm. It would help their lives to be more authentic if I didn’t fake the friendship with them.
Denyse,
I think the idea is to be yourself and as Brad has mentioned, listen to your emotions. If your gut says “these people are nice, but I’d rather not hang out than don’t.” It’s best to be genuine than try and fake friendships that you are uncertain about… I think the biggest trick is liking who you are first and foremost and knowing that you can succeed as an individual and on your own terms. Once you become comfortable in your own skin and you remember “WE” are all the same….it will make the world of diffence. Make your own kingdom filled with your best likes, loves and interests.
awesome blog !