I learned that the richness of life is found in adventure… It develops self-reliance and independence. Life then teems with excitement. There is stagnation only in security.
– William Orville Douglas
The vast majority of guys that I’ve ever known–probably at least 90%–will do almost anything to get laid. They’ll sleep with girls they aren’t attracted to, they’ll get into a “serious relationship” with a girl they aren’t in love with, and they’ll tell that same girl “I love you” if it increases their chances of being allowed to get more sex out of her.
They’ll scratch and claw their way through a relationship with an energy vampire. But they won’t hang on until the bitter end. Nope, they’ll hang on way beyond that. They’ll put up with mind-boggling amounts of nagging and disrespect as long as the girl at least occasionally puts out, where “occasionally” is somewhere between every few days and every few months.
I can think of some examples of things guys put up with that are so perverse that I literally cannot publish them on this blog.
The relationships you have with women, whether casual or serious, are a reflection of what’s going on inside you. The kinds of things you put up with from women–disrespect, nagging, arguing, and so forth–are likely the same issues that show up in other areas of your life.
The most important quality you need to have happy and healthy relationships with women (or anyone, for that matter) is leadership. A great leader isn’t someone who bosses people around and micromanages others to avoid doing the heavy lifting themselves (like, say, your boss at work). A great leader is someone who inspires the people around them and motivates them to do better. A great leader paves a yellow brick road to adventure that others feel eager and privileged to follow.
Being the leader in a relationship means, first and foremost, living an interesting, purposeful life that extends beyond any one woman or relationship. It means deciding what you want to do with your life and doing it, and letting others come along for the ride, if they’re interested. In a romantic relationship, it also means gaining respect and trust from your partner through practicing unconditional love and radical honesty, while being willing to walk away before things get messy.
Live an Interesting Life
In the book The Game (which, incidentally, is one of my favourite books of all time), the author Neil Strauss (aka “Style”) talks about guys who dropped out of school and even quit their jobs to pursue picking up women full-time. I even knew a couple guys like that myself, who would say things like, “I need to get this stuff (i.e. women) sorted out first, before I can move onto worrying about what I want to do with my life.”
That is painfully ass backwards. What woman of quality would want to associate with a guy who has nothing better to do with his time than pickup women?
Having a clearly defined purpose in life means focusing a great deal of energy every day on activities that align with your needs, desires, talents, and skills, and allow you to serve the greater good, if that’s important to you. Living a life of purpose is certainly not a prerequisite to getting laid, but it is absolutely crucial if you want to have happy, healthy relationships.
50/50 is the Wrong Balance
In any romantic relationship, there is always one person who is at least slightly more “into it” than the other. Instead of the balance of interest being 50/50, I’ve seen some relationships where it’s more like 80/20, 90/10, or even 100/0.
Ideally, you want the balance to be around 60/40, where you’re the 40.
High-quality, beautiful women get hit on constantly. For a girl to not cheat on a guy, she has to say “No”–either literally or implicitly–about 5-10 times per day. To an even vaguely attractive woman, most men are pathetically easy to sleep with, regardless of either person’s relationship situation. If women didn’t have their “bitch shield” to ward off these constant attempts at their forbidden fruit, they’d never have a moment of peace.
Women want to be with men that are hard to pin down. They want to chase. They want a challenge. They want to know that their man is strong enough in his own position that he is willing to walk away if she disrespects him. If you’re unwilling to leave a woman who treats you like crap, you’re totally screwed. Needless to say, most men are totally screwed.
This 60/40 thing is not a “nuclear attraction secret”. It’s not a “clever tip” that just any guy can use to trick women into chasing him. It’s not a PUA skill you can work on. Rather, it’s the natural byproduct of living a life that matters to you. When you spend the majority of your time doing work that you really believe in, when you’re building to change the world, that leadership drive, passion, and integrity will carry over into your relationships.
In the Beginning
Being the leader in a relationship starts even before you meet a girl. It involves having the right mindset for bringing an amazing woman into your life.
Screen early, screen often. Instead of trying to chase women or “pickup chicks”, become a polarity detector. Stop worrying about what you say when you meet women and instead make yourself vulnerable, focus on having fun, and give your attention to only those whose company you enjoy. Authenticity is the currency of seduction.
When you find someone you’d like to get to know better, forget about trying to “play the situation right”. The right time to call a girl is whenever you feel like calling her. A good idea for a first date is whatever activity you enjoy. Bring her into your reality and show her what it’s like to be part of your world.
Tell the Truth
We’ve all heard it a million times: Honesty is everything in a relationship. But few couples tell each other the truth. Even when they do, they often leave out the important bits.
If you don’t want a serious relationship with the girl, tell her that right away. If you’re seeing other women, let her know before you have sex with her. If you cheated on her, confess immediately. If you want to go out with your buddies tonight, just do it.
Telling the truth can be difficult. Keep these two things in mind:
- Don’t argue about it. You won’t solve a problem by arguing about it, because neither side actually listens to the other in an argument. People argue to make themselves heard. That’s why arguments usually involve a lot of yelling. :)
- Don’t qualify yourself. You don’t need to explain yourself for wanting to go out with your friends. You don’t need to rationalize your dedication to your work. Obviously, some discretion is required here, because there are some things for which justifying your reasons is healthy part of the communication. But in many cases, particularly when it’s something to do with how you choose to live your life, the truth speaks for itself.
Being the leader in a relationship means having a deep trust that flows in both directions. It means having the courage to tell your partner the truth and live with the consequences, even if that puts the relationship at risk.
Be Willing to Walk Away
If you tell your buddy about a bad relationship experience you’re having, you’ll often hear things like, “Oh man, that is brutal! I’d dump that @#!@^ in a heartbeat!” Of course, only about 5% of such guys would actually follow through on their own advice.
A willingness to walk away is critical to keeping a relationship healthy. If you aren’t willing–as demonstrated through your actions, not your words–to walk away from a sour situation, you are truly toast. (Suddenly, I think back to those perverse examples I hinted at in the intro. Ugh, BRUTAL.)
But how do you develop the courage to leave an unhealthy relationship especially when, *gasp*, you haven’t already got another girl lined up? Here’s what works for me:
- Have something better to do. Just a reiteration of the first section, because doing something meaningful with your life is a critical component to happy, healthy relationships, whether casual or serious.
- Social skydiving. When you condition yourself to feel the fear and do it anyway, talking to strangers opens many social and sexual doorways. Proving to yourself that you can meet people in a matter of days by simply taking action is critical to living in the abundance mindset.
- You probably don’t know her that well anyway. It takes a long, long time to really get to know a girl–at least a year or two to scratch the surface. Have you seen what she’s like when she’s drunk in a club around other guys? How does she act when she gets hit on? Has she been there for you during really tough times in your life? Sure, you have an intense, almost physically abusive sex life now, but what will it be like in six months?
- Confront your own insecurities. The extent to which you cling to a girl is entirely a reflection of how you feel about yourself.
- She is NOT your soul mate. She’s different than all the other girls. There’s something about her that’s just…I don’t know…really amazing. I feel like I can just tell her…anything. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. *Yawn*. While there’s no doubt that you and your girl may have had something special when you first met, the only thing that matters is how she treats you right now. If things start going south, realize that there are other options. Tens of millions, in fact.
Being the leader in your relationship is not about bossing your girlfriend around or cracking the proverbial whip. It doesn’t mean hanging your belly out on the sofa, watching football, and calling to your “servant” to bring you more peanuts and beer.
It’s an approach to life that starts even before you first meet a girl. It’s about blazing your own trail through the world and letting the right woman join you for the ride. It involves forging deep trust through unconditional love and radical honesty. It means not worrying about impressing girls or figuring out how to get them to like you and instead making yourself vulnerable and authentic.
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