This article talks a lot about my philosophy of success with women in general, so even if you have no interest in meeting girls online, you may still find it helpful.

I’ve already written about the pros and cons of online dating. One of the things I talked about in that article was the myth that there are no quality women online. There are loads of extremely beautiful women on online dating sites. But I haven’t yet said anything about how I met these girls.

Tim, a 30 sleeps reader, writes:

I’d love to pick your brain a bit about online dating. I just started my match.com account. Any wise jedi tips would be appreciated. I am curious:

How much importance do you place on the picture and profile you put up there?

Did you follow what seems to be community logic and just be an asshole online?

What kind of emails did you send out? My initial emails teased the girl about something in her profile, then gave her a question to answer. So far (this is like week 2) that seems to work, although I get less responses from hotter girls.

Finally, did you run any controlled experiments, like sending out the same emails with a different profile, etc? Again, thanks a lot for taking the time to read this and I hope to hear from you!

Tim

Great questions Tim. I’m going to offer a general introduction to meeting women online, while making sure to address these specific questions along the way.

Is Online Dating Right for You?

The first thing I like to ask before I try to solve any problem is: Do I need to solve this problem?

So before we talk too much about the ins and outs of online romance, the first question should be: Is online dating right for you? When it comes to meeting girls, is online dating the most valuable use of your time? In my opinion, probably not.

I don’t consider online dating to be the ideal way to meet women anymore. It’s inefficient, one-dimensional, and yet another distraction (all that instant messaging) in a world where we need no more distractions. And if it’s not the ideal use of my time for that purpose, then it’s a waste of my time. The absolute best, most mentally healthy, character-building and efficient way to meet women is to start social skydiving and build your social and love life up from there, to create a lifestyle that suits you. SS’ing changed me in a profoundly beneficial and lasting way that goes way beyond just women. Online dating changed me somewhat, but on nowhere near the same level that real life risk-taking did.

In my opinion, online dating is appropriate only for guys who have a lethal amount of approach anxiety. If you’ve never done SS’ing before, you might think that includes you. It probably doesn’t. Here’s how to verify if you truly have a life-threatening fear of talking to strangers, rather than the standard Oh-my-God-talking-to-women-is-fucking-impossible fear that is the default for 90% of men worldwide, multi-millionaires and world leaders included:

1. Go out with a buddy to a social gathering where there will be a lot of women.
2. Give your buddy $100. Don’t bet that amount; give him the money.
3. Tell him that you get your $100 back if, and only if, you say “Hi” to at least one girl that you don’t know.
4. If you get your $100 back, give yourself a huge pat on the back for living dangerously, forget online dating, and continue your pursuit of standing up for your own truth even in the face of overwhelming social pressure.
5. If you don’t get your $100 back, join Lavalife, Match.com, or Plentyoffish right now and use the rest of the advice in this article to help get you on your way.

Creating Your Profile

Okay, so now you’re out a hundred bucks, you’ve proven to yourself that you’d rather be dead than say hi to a girl you don’t know, and you’ve registered with an online dating site. It’s time to create your online dating profile.

When it comes to having an intimate relationship with someone, looks are just as important as personality. For this reason, your photo will be the centerpiece of your profile. You want to use a photo that is you looking your best, but only to the extent that you can actually look that good in real life when you make the effort. I always used self-shot photos, which a lot of online daters do, because it gave me more control in creating a good, but realistic, photo.

Keep it simple. Ignore seduction theories about including social proof and breathtaking adventure in your photos as a way to make you look more attractive. Don’t waste your time on girls that are wooed by ego-driven variables like that. If you have a really good photo of you with your friends, so be it, but don’t try to engineer a Kodak moment just to get a girl’s attention. If you use a photo with many people in it, make very clear which one is you. It’s funny, but I’ve seen several girls’ profiles where I was left wondering who’s who.

Strong writing skills are helpful. I’ve been riding the wave of my linguistic pride for the better part of my adult life. With online dating, I think this proved useful in catching the eye of girls that interested me. It’s worth investing a chunk of time to create a well-written summary of who you are and what you’re about. This includes knowing exactly what type of relationship and girl you’re looking for, and being clear about what you want in your profile. If hard drug usage is a deal breaker, say so. If you’re interested primarily in girls of a certain age or ethnicity, let it be known. If you want a bisexual girl who’s open to threesomes with other girls, the truth will set you free.

Remember, social polarity exists online too. Your particular desires and interests may annoy or even repulse some girls, but who cares? Happiness in life is all about enjoying the company of Yeses, not catering to the Noes. You’ll be that much more attractive–and noticeable–to women that fit your criteria and they’ll appreciate your directness. I’m not suggesting you go into disgusting detail about your dolphin-related fetishes, just that your profile be clear enough to exclude the kind of women you’re unlikely to be interested in.

Interacting with Women Online

So, you’ve got a photo of you looking your best, and you’ve fashioned an authentic snippet that tells the online dating world what you’re about. Oh, and your friend has $100 of your money burning a hole in his pocket. Now what?

First, when searching through profiles, always get a photo. The one and only time that I failed to do this, it was a complete disaster. The sites I’ve used allow you to filter your search to include only profiles that have a photo.

Next, message only girls that live within a 30-45 minute commute of you. Long-distance relationships are a symptom of a scarcity mindset. In fact, a big factor for me in choosing a place to live is that I have to be attracted to the women that live there. If you’re living in a city where you claim that there are no high-quality, attractive women, start by addressing that problem before creating yourself the new problem of having a relationship with someone that lives a $5000 plane fare away.

As for Tim’s question about being an asshole online: If you have to ask, the answer is no. Just be yourself and live with the consequences. Authenticity is the currency of seduction. You don’t need to hide behind a cocky funny, alpha male character to impress women. Veracity, charisma, and an unshakeable sense of self-worth are the byproducts of living life on purpose, and those are the attributes that will win the hearts and minds of your target audience.

There’s a reason why I write articles on everything from finding your passion and landing your dream job, to achieving the impossible and how to flood your life with beautiful women. It’s because all of these subjects are tightly intertwined. A discussion of flooding your life with beautiful women is incomplete without also talking about how to create a fulfilling life that goes way beyond any particular girl.

You cannot be a passionless, burger flipping, rat racer and an alpha male at the same time. Sure, there are many “gastronomical engineers” that get laid by beautiful women, but truly happy, healthy relationships require that each person involved be independently happy and healthy. In my opinion, that means living a life that inspires you, challenges you, and gives you a sustainable outlet for creative self-expression.

Since social polarity exists just as much online as in real life, it doesn’t matter what you say in your messages, as long as it comes from your heart instead of your joystick. What’s most important is that all the time you spend not-online-dating is invested in the creation of your ideal life. If your happiness is made or broken by a girl, she’ll find out soon enough, and when she does, you’ll get hurt. And by “hurt”, I mean that when she drops the breakup bomb, you’ll feel the nuclear winter in the depths of your soul.

After sending out several dozen messages to women whose photo and profile I like, I’d usually get a tiny handful of responses. I often spent about a week or two interacting with each girl online and on the phone before meeting. One of the great things about online dating is that the girl gets to know your personality before she gets to know your body, so make the most of it. Instant messaging also allowed me to be considerably more congruent than I would have been under social pressure, at least at that point in my life.

I know that my approach was much slower than what a lot of the online dating “experts” would recommend, but my success rate with the women I met from dating sites was insane. I was consistently meeting high-quality, beautiful women, and in the few years that I spent doing this, I probably hit it off with about 80% of the girls I met face-to-face.

Controlled Experimentation

Online dating sites would seem like an ideal testbed for social experimentation. You can try tons of different techniques and there’s almost none of the risk of embarrassment like there is when trying stuff out in real life. But my advice for running social experiments online is: Don’t do it.

Experimentation implies outcome dependence. It means you’re trying to see “what works and what doesn’t”, as if finely-tuned tricks and techniques are what you need to have great relationships with women. Trying a technique is, by definition, an authenticity leak. The key to success with women is not to try to be someone that a woman would be attracted to, but to live your own adventure and let her join your for the ride, if she wants to. I’m living proof that you don’t need any of those poisonous, reaction-seeking, social robotics to meet the girl of your dreams.

(For anyone who looks at my photo and thinks nature gave me a helping hand, I’m going to try and track down a photo of me when I was 17 or 18 years old, 50 pounds heavier than I am now, a two-and-a-half-chinned, shabby ass, chess-playing virgin bum, so you can see how huge of a difference you can make if you focus on making the most of your DNA. Almost anyone who needs a helping hand in the looks department can add at least two or three points to their physical appearance if they make a concerted effort to do so. Making the transition from a needy, pathetic, reaction-seeking, dick slave to an authentic, purpose-driven, self-led man is worth at least a couple points on its own.)

So, Tim, I hope this article answers your questions about meeting women online and then some. It’s impossible for me to talk about this subject without also addressing issues that have nothing to do with women. It’s also hard for me to be completely honest without also sounding a bit harsh in some places. A lot of guys are looking for attraction techniques instead of focussing on following their own lead and letting social polarity sort out the details.

The good news is that you’re on this road at all. Opinion openers, cocky funny, group theory, social proof, and all those other halloween masks were a useful, albeit unnecessary, stepping stone on my own path to self-actualization. The even better news is that, whether online or offline, an honest individuality grown from living an intentional life allows you to break all the rules that the “canned game” gurus try to teach you.