by Brad Bollenbach

Lonely Drunk

There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.

– Terry Pratchett

My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. It’s for this reason that I can’t remember my grandpa’s funeral: I was only four. This is also why my grandma has meticulously avoided alcohol for over 20 years. If there’s anything to the rumours about alcoholism being influenced by heredity, I’m probably tagged.

My own consumption patterns change. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of several months having three or four drinks, three to five times a week. Sometimes I’ll restrict my consumption to social occasions. For about five months starting last December, in my quest to master the art of talking to strangers, my social life became two full-time jobs. I was constantly going out to social events, clubs, bars, museum parties, and everything in between. Despite temptation, I rarely drank.

Last month, I quit drinking alcohol again. I’d like to tell you that it was a struggle. I’d like to pretend that it’s almost impossible to stay sober at a social occasion where everyone else is burping bubbles. I’d like to imagine myself as more determined and disciplined than all the rest, and that’s what pulled me through.

But the truth is that I’m ruthlessly normal. And if you want to end your relationship with alcohol, right here, right now, It’s Not That Hard.

I’m guessing that most people who choose to quit drinking are not alcoholics. My intent is to offer here an action plan that anyone can apply, whether you’re nursing an addiction or just want to enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sobriety.

Why Stop Drinking?

The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced:

  • Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people.
  • Avoid the McPilgrimage. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy between the fast food industry and the liquor industry. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary.
  • Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. And this doesn’t even count the time lost waiting for your brain to resolidify the morning after a night on the town.
  • Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months.
  • Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep.

You can probably think of other instantly gratifying benefits to life beyond the bottle. The important thing is to actually have a reason that is important enough to you.

Make It Priority Number One

Giving up alcohol is one of the easiest and hardest changes you can make in your life.

It’s easy once you’ve established the right rules, configured your environment to support you, and set up useful boundaries of pain and pleasure to help direct you towards your goal. The hard parts are the social implications and fighting off the One Man Army that is your ego, with its barrage of self-limiting beliefs and drink requests.

Giving up alcohol must be made priority number one in your life. A partial commitment is a commitment to failure. Even if you already don’t drink that often, it will be tempting to break your own rules when your friends call you up and invite you out. You’ve got to be willing to prioritize this decision in every situation where it’s relevant, even when that means Just Saying No to pub night.

It’s Not a Big Deal

Ever notice how some people act as though the end of their relationship is the end of the world? It’s as if there’s no point in living if they can’t be with that person any longer. Yet other people come along and date that person who left them, eventually break up with them, and see it as hardly more than a blip on the radar.

You may feel that it’s pretty easy to give up drinking. Or you may feel that it’s an addiction with a stranglehold on your life. Either way, there is no inherent magnitude to this task. It’s as big or as small as you make it.

No matter how much you want to tell yourself how hard it is, nobody’s ever going to claim that learned helplessness was the secret to their success. The most effective way forward is to not only make quitting drinking a top priority, but to think, talk, and act like it can be done.

Become the Impartial Spectator

Whether you view it as a spiritual separation, or merely conceptual, we all have more than one self. There’s the “Mmmmm…beeeer…” self, and the impartial spectator that can detach from and observe this desire.

Let the latter voice be your authority. You’re allowed to want a drink as much as you’re allowed to choose not to have one. There’s tremendous power in observing your thoughts as a third party. The impartial spectator can feel the heat without getting burned.

When in doubt, let it be there. No matter how bad the storm seems, it will pass.

Commit to 30 Days

If you’ve never done it before, it can be hard to think of giving up drinking forever. It’s discouraging to commit to permanent change, only to back out a few days or weeks into it. Some people will face social friction and lifestyle changes for which they’re unprepared.

But life is a laboratory. It’s an adventure that takes shape through hypothesis and experimentation, and most decisions can be reverted. When it comes to making big changes like this, live before you leap. Promise yourself that you will commit to this 100%, but only for 30 days, and see how it goes.

This is exactly what I did last month. I promised myself that November would be alcohol-free, and it was. Truth be told, I had a few drinks on day 31. But I broke the negative pattern that was creeping up on me and gained back the energy to spend on more important activities. And I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I can give up alcohol whenever I feel like, whenever it seems like the right thing to do.

Dump Your Existing Stash

Any goal that’s important to you is important enough to start on right now. My 30-day challenge to give up alcohol started at about 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten back from a post-nightclub McPilgrimage with some friends. I had a great time. I met lots of people. I even ended up dating a girl I met that night.

But I was really annoyed by how much I’d poured into me that night, at succumbing to the resulting Big Mac temptation, and at how much I was going to regret the hangover. As soon as I got home, the challenge was on. I had one last beer in my fridge, which I ceremoniously poured down the kitchen sink.

If you’re serious about doing this, get rid of your alcohol. If you’ve got $300 worth of spirits in your cabinet and you’re not yet sure if you want to empty it all down the drain, only to change your mind in 30 days, then store it at a friend’s place during your probation period. Preferably a friend that doesn’t drink.

Advertise Your Decision

I told most of my friends about what I was doing. Not only only does this add accountability to your goal, it also drops the hint that if your friends are planning on going out and getting wasted, you’re probably not interested.

Of course, you don’t have to avoid social situations where you’ll be the only one not drinking. I’ve gone out stone sober many times–even on my own–and met loads of people. Once you get used to social skydiving, you no longer need alcohol’s permission to talk to strangers and have a good time. You can get to that place by either getting hammered out of your face, or by learning to just not care what other people think. Frankly, the latter is way more fun.

Fire Your Drinking Buddies

Alcohol may be so tightly integrated into your social life that it seems almost impossible to go an entire weekend without drinking. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is that you like the same lagers, you might want to consider finding new friends.

I’ve let go of people in my social circle before and I know it’s not easy–but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. This might be the hardest thing you do in choosing a life without alcohol. The key is to remember that friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest into it. That includes choosing to associate only with people who are aligned with your purpose, while avoiding the energy vampires.

This is another benefit of a 30-day commitment. Instead of permanently downsizing your social life, you can choose to be busy only for the next few weeks. Observe how it affects you when you stop spending time with your beer buddies. Join a local user group for something you’re interested in to bring yourself into contact with people with whom you share more than just a bar tab.

Bribe Yourself

I haven’t used this specific technique for giving up alcohol, but I have used it with much success in bulldozing my way through a wall of social anxiety.

Associate massive pain to backing out. To create that pain, visit your nearest bank machine. Withdraw an amount of money that you’d feel uncomfortable losing. Give it to a friend you trust. Tell them that you get your money back if, and only if, you don’t have a drop of alcohol until your 30 days are up. You’ll be surprised at how even the most difficult tasks become doable when you associate massive pain to breaking your own rules. Money can be a great way to make it hurt. If you can think of an even better form of self-bribery, go for it.

The stronger you feel that alcohol is a part of your life, the more of these techniques you may want to apply. My most recent alcohol-free challenge didn’t require bribery or letting go of any friends. But I did find it extremely useful to limit the challenge to 30 days, to give myself permission to live the lifestyle before leaping to a permanent decision.

I also think that making this a top priority is key, no matter what your current consumption habits. It’s so easy to let yourself slip for just one night, and then feel guilty about breaching your own contract later on.

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  1. JohnA says:

    Jeanne1: Good to hear from you. You are doing the right thing.

    Metamorphoser, Sandy: Make a very limited goal. Just one day with no alcohol. Even if it is damn hard. Just do that for now.

    Megan: My condolences. These events are taxing, but part of our lives as human beings. It is so good that you are not using alcohol, because it means that you are available to yourself and to your family for the necessary grieving process.

  2. JohnB says:

    Megan – sorry for yours and your family ’s loss. I hope his many years and great memories bring you all comfort. I believe 92 is certainly something to celebrate.

    Jeanne – I am happy to hear you are doing well. Keep plugging, we are all pulling for you!

    Gott keep it brief

    G’night All

  3. Ruth says:

    I am proud of you, Jeanne! You are doing whatever it takes and you will not regret it for a minute. And I am sorry for your loss, Megan. My mom is beginning to go downhill (mentally) but she is strong as a horse… I am worried about how to handle her when she can no longer live alone. And good for you that you were able to negotiate all those feelings without the blanket of alcohol.

    Jeanne, there is a supplement called Relaquil that my daughter took for awhile for anxiety- it was pretty good in the Gaba department. She quit taking it because she “felt fine.” Hard to prove a negative, but she wasn’t having anxiety… anyway.

    Fred, I am glad you are here- I can see that you really want it now- no more excuses, so keep at it!

    Nice to see you again Sandy- you know what to do!

    River, hugs to you…and min, of course, a big smooch.

    Beej, glad to hear that the nursery is coming along. You will be a great dad.

    Meta, it is all a process, and each time a step closer, so don’t give up.

    Hugs to everyone I missed (sorry about that!)

  4. min says:

    Megan, how very sad for you and family. You have my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your father, and my admiration for navigating your grief soberly. Thanks for letting us all know, stay well.

    Sandy, good to see you! You were motivated to post something so that’s a start:)

    Meta, liked your succinct summary. Keep trying to unlock your cage;)

    Jeanne, you’re sounding good! Glad you could connect with us while surrounded by uber-nurses — geez, I hope the food is tasty good at least (the carrot gnocchi actually worked out!…even the gluten-free variety). I can see how a small group size would make it more intense but maybe it will feel safer and more manageable than say, twenty people at various stages of their addiction. Interesting that they’ve put you on ssri’s right away but didn’t taper the klonapin…hope they’re open to you asking questions about what they’re giving you. I would gladly send you some GABA if I only knew how. Ruth has been extolling its virtues for years now. And I’m glad your sister sent you the article — I felt like applauding at the end of it. I was always at my worst when my world was at its smallest. Well done on Day 4—>5 of your new lease on life, talk soon xo.

    Ruth, yay! ..a big smooch back to you! Yeah, the approaching years will be parentally-challenged for me too, a lot of us it seems. I’m still the odd one out on their drinking, my mother’s especially — my sibs keep giving them booze for b-day, xmas etc., even though most of the red flags are up. Good luck sorting your mother’s situation, this stuff is challenging to say the least!

    Beej. love that Cohen line! Sounds like you’ve made some great progress on the room. Also sounds like L’il Beej is making good progress too, how exciting for you guys! SEG, didn’t mean to upstage your milestone back there…just like celebrating the big ones with you:) Greetings JohnB (17C?:) JohnA, Pep, Mermaid, Alice, Fred and to all those floating out there in the shallows (Dee? Mary?..) or busy with their lives. Best to each,

    xo min

  5. min says:

    Johan, sorry, no more carrot gnocchi to sample. We were out of town for my dad’s 87th and both batches were handily consumed, without the sage brown butter which never made it to the car. Anyway, my dad sent us home with a game camera to see if we can get evidence of mouse presence in certain cat no-go zones, and get the traps well-placed. The traps have been unsuccessful and it’s been too damn quiet around here, I don’t like it. I’m feeding the cats less so maybe it will up their game. Thanks for asking. Glad you liked the article, it’s really got me thinking about bonding and attachment.

    RR, you had me at pillowy softness and lots of grated parm..swoon lol. You sound like an old hand at gnocchi-making if they come out that well. I softened a pound of med-dice carrrots in 3tbs. butter, and when mashed and cooled, added 2 egg yolks and 6 tablespoons flour (or 3 each of chickpea and brown rice flour), seasoned with S/P/nutmeg, spices + reggiano shaped into quenelles, and simmered briefly in chicken broth before baking. Not trad. in any sense but it got a bunch of people to eat their carrots:)

  6. SEG says:

    Only have a quick moment.

    Jeanne – Good report. We are proud of you.

    Beej – Found another even crazier house. This one shows promise. Hope to see it today.

    Blessings on the sober road.

    Sober 810/190

  7. johan says:

    Jeanne – you sound good! Great to hear from you! In our circles there is no such thing as a lightweight; we all end up in the same class eventually.

    SEG – cool on the new crazier house! Please share the review!

    min – that sounds very yummy and I love carrots. Can it be as easy as you outline to RRat? I am afraid to say that it’s unlikely you can get your cats interested in rodent tartar if they don’t have it naturally.

    RRat – how’s it going? Is MB warming up? We have been rudely cold for a good stretch now and waiting for some -5 to warm up.

    Ruth – hey!

  8. johan says:

    Sandy – come on back for a while.

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