by Brad Bollenbach

Lonely Drunk

There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.

– Terry Pratchett

My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. It’s for this reason that I can’t remember my grandpa’s funeral: I was only four. This is also why my grandma has meticulously avoided alcohol for over 20 years. If there’s anything to the rumours about alcoholism being influenced by heredity, I’m probably tagged.

My own consumption patterns change. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of several months having three or four drinks, three to five times a week. Sometimes I’ll restrict my consumption to social occasions. For about five months starting last December, in my quest to master the art of talking to strangers, my social life became two full-time jobs. I was constantly going out to social events, clubs, bars, museum parties, and everything in between. Despite temptation, I rarely drank.

Last month, I quit drinking alcohol again. I’d like to tell you that it was a struggle. I’d like to pretend that it’s almost impossible to stay sober at a social occasion where everyone else is burping bubbles. I’d like to imagine myself as more determined and disciplined than all the rest, and that’s what pulled me through.

But the truth is that I’m ruthlessly normal. And if you want to end your relationship with alcohol, right here, right now, It’s Not That Hard.

I’m guessing that most people who choose to quit drinking are not alcoholics. My intent is to offer here an action plan that anyone can apply, whether you’re nursing an addiction or just want to enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sobriety.

Why Stop Drinking?

The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced:

  • Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people.
  • Avoid the McPilgrimage. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy between the fast food industry and the liquor industry. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary.
  • Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. And this doesn’t even count the time lost waiting for your brain to resolidify the morning after a night on the town.
  • Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months.
  • Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep.

You can probably think of other instantly gratifying benefits to life beyond the bottle. The important thing is to actually have a reason that is important enough to you.

Make It Priority Number One

Giving up alcohol is one of the easiest and hardest changes you can make in your life.

It’s easy once you’ve established the right rules, configured your environment to support you, and set up useful boundaries of pain and pleasure to help direct you towards your goal. The hard parts are the social implications and fighting off the One Man Army that is your ego, with its barrage of self-limiting beliefs and drink requests.

Giving up alcohol must be made priority number one in your life. A partial commitment is a commitment to failure. Even if you already don’t drink that often, it will be tempting to break your own rules when your friends call you up and invite you out. You’ve got to be willing to prioritize this decision in every situation where it’s relevant, even when that means Just Saying No to pub night.

It’s Not a Big Deal

Ever notice how some people act as though the end of their relationship is the end of the world? It’s as if there’s no point in living if they can’t be with that person any longer. Yet other people come along and date that person who left them, eventually break up with them, and see it as hardly more than a blip on the radar.

You may feel that it’s pretty easy to give up drinking. Or you may feel that it’s an addiction with a stranglehold on your life. Either way, there is no inherent magnitude to this task. It’s as big or as small as you make it.

No matter how much you want to tell yourself how hard it is, nobody’s ever going to claim that learned helplessness was the secret to their success. The most effective way forward is to not only make quitting drinking a top priority, but to think, talk, and act like it can be done.

Become the Impartial Spectator

Whether you view it as a spiritual separation, or merely conceptual, we all have more than one self. There’s the “Mmmmm…beeeer…” self, and the impartial spectator that can detach from and observe this desire.

Let the latter voice be your authority. You’re allowed to want a drink as much as you’re allowed to choose not to have one. There’s tremendous power in observing your thoughts as a third party. The impartial spectator can feel the heat without getting burned.

When in doubt, let it be there. No matter how bad the storm seems, it will pass.

Commit to 30 Days

If you’ve never done it before, it can be hard to think of giving up drinking forever. It’s discouraging to commit to permanent change, only to back out a few days or weeks into it. Some people will face social friction and lifestyle changes for which they’re unprepared.

But life is a laboratory. It’s an adventure that takes shape through hypothesis and experimentation, and most decisions can be reverted. When it comes to making big changes like this, live before you leap. Promise yourself that you will commit to this 100%, but only for 30 days, and see how it goes.

This is exactly what I did last month. I promised myself that November would be alcohol-free, and it was. Truth be told, I had a few drinks on day 31. But I broke the negative pattern that was creeping up on me and gained back the energy to spend on more important activities. And I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I can give up alcohol whenever I feel like, whenever it seems like the right thing to do.

Dump Your Existing Stash

Any goal that’s important to you is important enough to start on right now. My 30-day challenge to give up alcohol started at about 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten back from a post-nightclub McPilgrimage with some friends. I had a great time. I met lots of people. I even ended up dating a girl I met that night.

But I was really annoyed by how much I’d poured into me that night, at succumbing to the resulting Big Mac temptation, and at how much I was going to regret the hangover. As soon as I got home, the challenge was on. I had one last beer in my fridge, which I ceremoniously poured down the kitchen sink.

If you’re serious about doing this, get rid of your alcohol. If you’ve got $300 worth of spirits in your cabinet and you’re not yet sure if you want to empty it all down the drain, only to change your mind in 30 days, then store it at a friend’s place during your probation period. Preferably a friend that doesn’t drink.

Advertise Your Decision

I told most of my friends about what I was doing. Not only only does this add accountability to your goal, it also drops the hint that if your friends are planning on going out and getting wasted, you’re probably not interested.

Of course, you don’t have to avoid social situations where you’ll be the only one not drinking. I’ve gone out stone sober many times–even on my own–and met loads of people. Once you get used to social skydiving, you no longer need alcohol’s permission to talk to strangers and have a good time. You can get to that place by either getting hammered out of your face, or by learning to just not care what other people think. Frankly, the latter is way more fun.

Fire Your Drinking Buddies

Alcohol may be so tightly integrated into your social life that it seems almost impossible to go an entire weekend without drinking. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is that you like the same lagers, you might want to consider finding new friends.

I’ve let go of people in my social circle before and I know it’s not easy–but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. This might be the hardest thing you do in choosing a life without alcohol. The key is to remember that friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest into it. That includes choosing to associate only with people who are aligned with your purpose, while avoiding the energy vampires.

This is another benefit of a 30-day commitment. Instead of permanently downsizing your social life, you can choose to be busy only for the next few weeks. Observe how it affects you when you stop spending time with your beer buddies. Join a local user group for something you’re interested in to bring yourself into contact with people with whom you share more than just a bar tab.

Bribe Yourself

I haven’t used this specific technique for giving up alcohol, but I have used it with much success in bulldozing my way through a wall of social anxiety.

Associate massive pain to backing out. To create that pain, visit your nearest bank machine. Withdraw an amount of money that you’d feel uncomfortable losing. Give it to a friend you trust. Tell them that you get your money back if, and only if, you don’t have a drop of alcohol until your 30 days are up. You’ll be surprised at how even the most difficult tasks become doable when you associate massive pain to breaking your own rules. Money can be a great way to make it hurt. If you can think of an even better form of self-bribery, go for it.

The stronger you feel that alcohol is a part of your life, the more of these techniques you may want to apply. My most recent alcohol-free challenge didn’t require bribery or letting go of any friends. But I did find it extremely useful to limit the challenge to 30 days, to give myself permission to live the lifestyle before leaping to a permanent decision.

I also think that making this a top priority is key, no matter what your current consumption habits. It’s so easy to let yourself slip for just one night, and then feel guilty about breaching your own contract later on.

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Comments
  1. Corey says:

    Hey, can anyone tell me why my posts aren’t showing uo – my email got hacked into, so I am using a different email does the mod need to know my email?? sorry thanks hope this comes through haha

  2. Sunshine says:

    Corey-RR may know the answer.

    Key-Glad your daughter is doing well. I am sure you will miss her. Thinking of you.

  3. Sunshine says:

    Have a nice day.

  4. Steve (uk) says:

    Hey all.

    Just back from a blissful week with the family in coastal western France.

    The phone was switched off and left in the drawer at home.

    The disconnection from the virtual world combined with sobriety allowed me to live in the moment the entire time.

    Recently passed 5 months. Mentally I am healing. Spiritually I am growing.

    Steve

  5. River Rat says:

    Corey, no one new or any old timers returning with different emails are having zero luck. Brad is not adding anyone to discussion. Might even be happening to those returning with same emails, I’m not certain. Glad you got thru. Welcome back.
    Steve, you sound great! Not far behind you, 3 1/2 months. Heading for an unplugged long weekend in a couple of days, looking forward to it.

    Sunshine, I like your closing thoughts about dignity and not needing vices. Have you considered fishing kayaks? Perhaps not what you’re looking for.

    Off to bed. Doctor visits tomorrow
    RR

  6. Key says:

    Hugs sunshine! Lots and lots of hugs.
    Another 30 on the books for me!
    Key

  7. Grey Wolf says:

    Sunshine –
    Write more?, would not know where to start? So many things have taken place since my grandson left this world. I have not changed, but I am not the same…still sober, but not the same. Life is just a huge bowl of oat meal, sometimes good when nice N warm with some milk and a little sugar and other times it’s cool or down right cold, stiff and clumped together. dry and bla tast’n…I’m mostly “fair to partly cloudy” these day,,,in other words, things could be worst but when again things could be better, jest’ kinda leveled off in the middle but so grateful for surviving it all being sober and keep’n my eye on the prize. I am still climbing up and forward cause I have yet to reach the top of that mountain. If asked as the length of sobriety I have behind me I could not tell ya, jes’ kinda lost count of the days, weeks, months and years, but it is still one day at a time, I’m only one drink away from drunk. The “beast” has not risen it’s ugly head in quite awhile, but know from the past it has not gone away jes’ sleep’n and lay’n low for the time being. Anyway,have a good one, gotta go…

  8. Sunshine says:

    Hi GW. Thanks for the update. I really haven’t thought of life like a bowl of oatmeal. That is a good analogy. I am sorry for your loss and please know I think of you often. I am glad the beast has not knocked on your door for a very long time. We do have to be on guard. It is always a threat. Hugs GW

    Key-Speaking of hugs I need them all the time so thank you. Congrats on your 30.

    RR-Have a super fun trip. You will feel so much better after the surgery and therapy. Keep us posted.

    Steve-Congrats on five months. So glad you are feeling it both mentally and spiritually.

    johan-Did I scare you off or are you on some exotic island?

    Working on some ideas to honor my child. Like maybe a big sister to a teenage boy or girl.
    Not sure how it will work but I am thinking it over.

    My lab’s mouth cancer is ever present. I guess if she can still teach herself new tricks that’s a good sign.

  9. Sunshine says:

    Me again writing to me. Have a nice day.

  10. Sunshine says:

    When God gives you a new beginning it starts with an ending. Be thankful for closed doors. They often guide you to the right one.

    Love,
    Peppermint

  11. Sherry says:

    Hi Sunshine. You are beautiful. What a wonderful idea to honor your child. Sorry about your lab’s mouth cancer. I wonder, is animal cancer on the rise too, or just human cancers?

    Key, congrats on 30 days.

    Steve, congrats on 5 months.

    The desire to drink is currently lifted from me. Grateful. Doing my step 5 with my sponsor tonight where I shall share my “biggest secrets”. Yuk. Thought I’d take those to the grave. Will let you know if I leave there feeling clean, light, empty, and peaceful. Or ………

    New day to do with as we wish.

    Sherry

  12. River Rat says:

    Great share, Sherry! Serendipity. Happens to me at meetings all the time : D I also shared 2 days ago how I don’t treat my wife with the same acceptance and caring as I do my AA group…. I’m working on that, I truly am. At a previous meeting a couple of people shared the same thing, how they “pray” or contemplate on individuals they don’t like (or hate) and wish upon them all the blessings they would want for themselves, e.g., success, happiness, good fortune, etc…… I’ve tried it with some swindlers from my past. Hasn’t produced miracles yet but they claim it will make the Hate calm down. Very hard practice for me, praying for the good will of people who have kicked me while down, swindled me with fine print, cost me decades of hard earned finances….to put their faces in my mind and wish them happiness…whew!!! Anyway, I continue, at the recommendation of some people I truly admire. I’m just passing it on. Good luck with the sharing tonight!! Yikes, terrifies me tooo!

    Hi Holly, so good to always see you here and I so appreciate your honesty…that’s what’s going to work for you….being brutally honest with yourself and always trying to do the next right thing. Yes, it’s advice I get from AA but I think it’s a pretty universal truth? Yes, the rum has spoken to me a few times…I can quickly bat it down now but I know it’s always lurking, patiently waiting for a time when I’m weak. Don’t listen to the wine’s BS, good plan.

    GW, as always, nice to hear from you. I don’t have the words to convey but am sorry for the flat stage of life you find yourself in, although you are trying to do the best you can with acceptance. You remain a great role model.

    Folks, I’m heading out of town with wife, dogs, daugher, son-in-law, for a long weekend of camping, fishing, hanging out. I’m really looking forward to it, even in my gimpish state. I won’t be able to contact you, zero service where we’re headed. Looking forward to being unplugged, surrounded by wilderness, good company, and getting the camp experience on…..fires, coffee, smores, wildlife, starry nights, fish frys . I’ll be away from meetings for 5 days as well. I’m not worried, althogh also not being complacent. Will continue to meditate daily on my gratitude for this opportunity to finally live my life, on my terms. Thanks everyone for your supports. See you when I return.

    Under the same sky,
    RR

  13. SEG says:

    Back from Romania. They have a huge drinking problem also. I will get caught up soon.
    Peace.

  14. Sunshine says:

    Just got an offer to take some time away from it all.
    Take care all.
    Pep

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