by Brad Bollenbach

Lonely Drunk

There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.

– Terry Pratchett

My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. It’s for this reason that I can’t remember my grandpa’s funeral: I was only four. This is also why my grandma has meticulously avoided alcohol for over 20 years. If there’s anything to the rumours about alcoholism being influenced by heredity, I’m probably tagged.

My own consumption patterns change. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of several months having three or four drinks, three to five times a week. Sometimes I’ll restrict my consumption to social occasions. For about five months starting last December, in my quest to master the art of talking to strangers, my social life became two full-time jobs. I was constantly going out to social events, clubs, bars, museum parties, and everything in between. Despite temptation, I rarely drank.

Last month, I quit drinking alcohol again. I’d like to tell you that it was a struggle. I’d like to pretend that it’s almost impossible to stay sober at a social occasion where everyone else is burping bubbles. I’d like to imagine myself as more determined and disciplined than all the rest, and that’s what pulled me through.

But the truth is that I’m ruthlessly normal. And if you want to end your relationship with alcohol, right here, right now, It’s Not That Hard.

I’m guessing that most people who choose to quit drinking are not alcoholics. My intent is to offer here an action plan that anyone can apply, whether you’re nursing an addiction or just want to enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sobriety.

Why Stop Drinking?

The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced:

  • Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people.
  • Avoid the McPilgrimage. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy between the fast food industry and the liquor industry. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary.
  • Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. And this doesn’t even count the time lost waiting for your brain to resolidify the morning after a night on the town.
  • Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months.
  • Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep.

You can probably think of other instantly gratifying benefits to life beyond the bottle. The important thing is to actually have a reason that is important enough to you.

Make It Priority Number One

Giving up alcohol is one of the easiest and hardest changes you can make in your life.

It’s easy once you’ve established the right rules, configured your environment to support you, and set up useful boundaries of pain and pleasure to help direct you towards your goal. The hard parts are the social implications and fighting off the One Man Army that is your ego, with its barrage of self-limiting beliefs and drink requests.

Giving up alcohol must be made priority number one in your life. A partial commitment is a commitment to failure. Even if you already don’t drink that often, it will be tempting to break your own rules when your friends call you up and invite you out. You’ve got to be willing to prioritize this decision in every situation where it’s relevant, even when that means Just Saying No to pub night.

It’s Not a Big Deal

Ever notice how some people act as though the end of their relationship is the end of the world? It’s as if there’s no point in living if they can’t be with that person any longer. Yet other people come along and date that person who left them, eventually break up with them, and see it as hardly more than a blip on the radar.

You may feel that it’s pretty easy to give up drinking. Or you may feel that it’s an addiction with a stranglehold on your life. Either way, there is no inherent magnitude to this task. It’s as big or as small as you make it.

No matter how much you want to tell yourself how hard it is, nobody’s ever going to claim that learned helplessness was the secret to their success. The most effective way forward is to not only make quitting drinking a top priority, but to think, talk, and act like it can be done.

Become the Impartial Spectator

Whether you view it as a spiritual separation, or merely conceptual, we all have more than one self. There’s the “Mmmmm…beeeer…” self, and the impartial spectator that can detach from and observe this desire.

Let the latter voice be your authority. You’re allowed to want a drink as much as you’re allowed to choose not to have one. There’s tremendous power in observing your thoughts as a third party. The impartial spectator can feel the heat without getting burned.

When in doubt, let it be there. No matter how bad the storm seems, it will pass.

Commit to 30 Days

If you’ve never done it before, it can be hard to think of giving up drinking forever. It’s discouraging to commit to permanent change, only to back out a few days or weeks into it. Some people will face social friction and lifestyle changes for which they’re unprepared.

But life is a laboratory. It’s an adventure that takes shape through hypothesis and experimentation, and most decisions can be reverted. When it comes to making big changes like this, live before you leap. Promise yourself that you will commit to this 100%, but only for 30 days, and see how it goes.

This is exactly what I did last month. I promised myself that November would be alcohol-free, and it was. Truth be told, I had a few drinks on day 31. But I broke the negative pattern that was creeping up on me and gained back the energy to spend on more important activities. And I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I can give up alcohol whenever I feel like, whenever it seems like the right thing to do.

Dump Your Existing Stash

Any goal that’s important to you is important enough to start on right now. My 30-day challenge to give up alcohol started at about 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten back from a post-nightclub McPilgrimage with some friends. I had a great time. I met lots of people. I even ended up dating a girl I met that night.

But I was really annoyed by how much I’d poured into me that night, at succumbing to the resulting Big Mac temptation, and at how much I was going to regret the hangover. As soon as I got home, the challenge was on. I had one last beer in my fridge, which I ceremoniously poured down the kitchen sink.

If you’re serious about doing this, get rid of your alcohol. If you’ve got $300 worth of spirits in your cabinet and you’re not yet sure if you want to empty it all down the drain, only to change your mind in 30 days, then store it at a friend’s place during your probation period. Preferably a friend that doesn’t drink.

Advertise Your Decision

I told most of my friends about what I was doing. Not only only does this add accountability to your goal, it also drops the hint that if your friends are planning on going out and getting wasted, you’re probably not interested.

Of course, you don’t have to avoid social situations where you’ll be the only one not drinking. I’ve gone out stone sober many times–even on my own–and met loads of people. Once you get used to social skydiving, you no longer need alcohol’s permission to talk to strangers and have a good time. You can get to that place by either getting hammered out of your face, or by learning to just not care what other people think. Frankly, the latter is way more fun.

Fire Your Drinking Buddies

Alcohol may be so tightly integrated into your social life that it seems almost impossible to go an entire weekend without drinking. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is that you like the same lagers, you might want to consider finding new friends.

I’ve let go of people in my social circle before and I know it’s not easy–but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. This might be the hardest thing you do in choosing a life without alcohol. The key is to remember that friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest into it. That includes choosing to associate only with people who are aligned with your purpose, while avoiding the energy vampires.

This is another benefit of a 30-day commitment. Instead of permanently downsizing your social life, you can choose to be busy only for the next few weeks. Observe how it affects you when you stop spending time with your beer buddies. Join a local user group for something you’re interested in to bring yourself into contact with people with whom you share more than just a bar tab.

Bribe Yourself

I haven’t used this specific technique for giving up alcohol, but I have used it with much success in bulldozing my way through a wall of social anxiety.

Associate massive pain to backing out. To create that pain, visit your nearest bank machine. Withdraw an amount of money that you’d feel uncomfortable losing. Give it to a friend you trust. Tell them that you get your money back if, and only if, you don’t have a drop of alcohol until your 30 days are up. You’ll be surprised at how even the most difficult tasks become doable when you associate massive pain to breaking your own rules. Money can be a great way to make it hurt. If you can think of an even better form of self-bribery, go for it.

The stronger you feel that alcohol is a part of your life, the more of these techniques you may want to apply. My most recent alcohol-free challenge didn’t require bribery or letting go of any friends. But I did find it extremely useful to limit the challenge to 30 days, to give myself permission to live the lifestyle before leaping to a permanent decision.

I also think that making this a top priority is key, no matter what your current consumption habits. It’s so easy to let yourself slip for just one night, and then feel guilty about breaching your own contract later on.

Post to Twitter Tweet this post

Other Articles You Might Like



Comments
  1. Alice says:

    I woke up this morning and had a long look at all the x marks on my calendar. I like seeing them there, I like seeing the count go up, but I’m wondering why it doesn’t fill me with hope? Instead there is a heavy feeling about it.

    When do I start interpreting all the hard work I’m doing as a positive thing I feel happy about?

    What’s that about?

    My thought for the day :)

  2. River Rat says:

    Good morning everyone.
    I’m back to waking early every single day and watched the sunrise this Saturday morning. Feels good.
    AA is helping me although this voice keeps trying to tell me all the reasons I don’t belong there. I’ve talked about it at the meetings and it is a common denial theme. I’m encouraged by the support and am challenged by the call to complete honesty. No more delusions. I know what happens (eventually) when I start drinking again. I can moderate for a little while and the appearance is good, yet on the inside I’m thinking about it obsessively;not cool. Eventually “the look” also changes as eventually I have a knock down, blackout, guilt ridden event. Now the trick is learning how to live with how I feel sober. It’s about time.
    Sunshine, thanks for the compliment. I do look forward to sharing with others in the hope it’s helpful for someone with the bonus being it is therapeutic for me. I’m still thinking of you many times a day. As I mentioned before, a dear friend recently lost a child in a very tragic way and I feel a piece of the devastating grief in her and her family. I can only imagine yours through what you’ve said but know fully that my heart would want to explode with such loss myself. As a parent I try to put myself in your shoes and want you to know you’re at the forefront of my mind. Be very good to yourself and reach out as much as you desire or are able. Love to you.

    Alice, good for you on all the X’s. I should start doing that. As for the lack of hope, I can only imagine you might require a shift in focus? I don’t know that and don’t want to sound presumptuous, just trying to help. My Echart Tolle books frequently reference how important it is to not look to some future date or event when “this or that” miraculous event is going to occur, such as: finally happy, content, wealthy, enlightened, at peace, healthy, on a vacation, with a new love, new home, etc. Hope has an anticipatory aspect to itself.I “hope” you all don’t mind me including a quote from an article on the topic. I’ll add a link if you want to read more. There are many more like this.
    ” Those of us raised in Western culture were never taught that fear is the price of hope. Rather, we can’t envision life without hope. Hell, according to Dante, is the place devoid of hope; he warned Christians condemned there to “abandon all hope, ye who enter herein.” The Hebrew prophets warned that without vision, the people perish.

    Hope is what propels us into action. We’ve been taught to dream of a better world as the necessary first step in creating one. We create a clear vision for the future we want, then we set a strategy, make a plan, and get to work. We focus strategically on doing only those things that have a high probability of success. As long as we “keep hope alive” and work hard, our endeavors will create the world we want. How could we do our work if we had no hope that we’d succeed?

    Motivated by hope, but then confronted by failure, we become depressed and demoralized. Life becomes meaningless; we despair of changing things for the better. At such a time, we learn the price of hope. Rather than inspiring and motivating us, hope has become a burden made heavy by its companion, fear of failing.

    So we have to abandon hope, all of us, and learn how to find the place “beyond hope and fear.” This is a familiar concept in Buddhism, yet little known in Western thinking. Liberated from hope and fear, we are free to discover clarity and energy, but the journey there demands behaviors we’re not familiar with or have actively avoided. Here are a few markers of this journey, blessed wisdom gleaned from the experiences of those who have persevered and maintained steadfast focus even when their efforts have yielded little or no results.” For more: http://www.mindful.org/the-place-beyond-fear-and-hope/# I love this line under the caption, “In difficult times it takes effort to stay grounded in the present, but it is only there… that we will find a place unclouded by hope and fear.” Alice, sorry for all that, I’m just thinking out loud…don’t know if this is helpful but I am “hopeful” it is. Let’s keep talking about such things. You’re doing so well and I am going to follow along : D

    Johan, I bought a bunch of lamb shoulder chops. They’re such a cheap cut, very fatty, which is perfect for my diet. The meat is tough but oh, so tasty. Going to grill some this weekend after marinating in a rosemary infusion. Hope you’re well? How’s the weather.

    Fred, how’s the battle going my friend?

    Hi to Steve, Megan, SEG, Key, Vivek, Sherry, Gabriel, JM, Grayson, Corey, and any others lurking about.

    All right, that is my morning ramble.
    have a happy saturday friends,
    RR 13

  3. SEG says:

    RR – Excellent post. The best moment is this one. Not the one tomorrow or the one yesterday. In our country this is a foreign concept. So hard for all of us. Once it get these three things done then I can relax…

    Sunshine – Keep sharing as you walk this out. Thank you for allowing us to be a tiny part of your grieving.

    Alice – You know speaking of grieving it struck me that the weight could be your own little grieving or death process. Coming to the realization that we can never drink again is not just butterflies and flowers. There is a cost. Getting past it is liberation but maybe those x marks are both markers of healing and nails of death all at the same time. I had a friend I was sharing my struggle with at maybe 3 months or so of sobriety (not an alcoholic but a good friend) and he said oh that is easy you are going through a death and death is hard. Just a thought.

    Megan, Fred, Islanders everwhere – Enjoy this moment per RR’s wise encouragement.

    Blessings.

  4. Steve UK says:

    A great post River, thanks for sharing that insightful post.

    Today while walking in the sunshine with the family I felt a brief spark of real happiness and contentment.

    It has been a long time since I’ve had that feeling. It gave me a glimpse of the future if I remain on this path.

    Steve
    Day 42

Post a comment
Name: 
Email: 
URL: 
Comments: 
How do I add an image to my comments?

If you'd like to help support this site, please feel free to make a donation. I'd really appreciate it!