Update (Sep 4, 2010): Due to the overwhelming, and ongoing popularity of this post (over 22,000 comments and counting!), I’ve recently started working on a new tool to make tracking and sharing your progress quitting drinking a whole lot easier and more fun.
It’s called Quitfest. Please feel free to check it out!
There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.
– Terry Pratchett
My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. It’s for this reason that I can’t remember my grandpa’s funeral: I was only four. This is also why my grandma has meticulously avoided alcohol for over 20 years. If there’s anything to the rumours about alcoholism being influenced by heredity, I’m probably tagged.
My own consumption patterns change. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of several months having three or four drinks, three to five times a week. Sometimes I’ll restrict my consumption to social occasions. For about five months starting last December, in my quest to master the art of talking to strangers, my social life became two full-time jobs. I was constantly going out to social events, clubs, bars, museum parties, and everything in between. Despite temptation, I rarely drank.
Last month, I quit drinking alcohol again. I’d like to tell you that it was a struggle. I’d like to pretend that it’s almost impossible to stay sober at a social occasion where everyone else is burping bubbles. I’d like to imagine myself as more determined and disciplined than all the rest, and that’s what pulled me through.
But the truth is that I’m ruthlessly normal. And if you want to end your relationship with alcohol, right here, right now, It’s Not That Hard.
I’m guessing that most people who choose to quit drinking are not alcoholics. My intent is to offer here an action plan that anyone can apply, whether you’re nursing an addiction or just want to enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sobriety.
Why Stop Drinking?
The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced:
- Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people.
- Avoid the McPilgrimage. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy between the fast food industry and the liquor industry. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary.
- Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. And this doesn’t even count the time lost waiting for your brain to resolidify the morning after a night on the town.
- Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months.
- Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep.
You can probably think of other instantly gratifying benefits to life beyond the bottle. The important thing is to actually have a reason that is important enough to you.
Make It Priority Number One
Giving up alcohol is one of the easiest and hardest changes you can make in your life.
It’s easy once you’ve established the right rules, configured your environment to support you, and set up useful boundaries of pain and pleasure to help direct you towards your goal. The hard parts are the social implications and fighting off the One Man Army that is your ego, with its barrage of self-limiting beliefs and drink requests.
Giving up alcohol must be made priority number one in your life. A partial commitment is a commitment to failure. Even if you already don’t drink that often, it will be tempting to break your own rules when your friends call you up and invite you out. You’ve got to be willing to prioritize this decision in every situation where it’s relevant, even when that means Just Saying No to pub night.
It’s Not a Big Deal
Ever notice how some people act as though the end of their relationship is the end of the world? It’s as if there’s no point in living if they can’t be with that person any longer. Yet other people come along and date that person who left them, eventually break up with them, and see it as hardly more than a blip on the radar.
You may feel that it’s pretty easy to give up drinking. Or you may feel that it’s an addiction with a stranglehold on your life. Either way, there is no inherent magnitude to this task. It’s as big or as small as you make it.
No matter how much you want to tell yourself how hard it is, nobody’s ever going to claim that learned helplessness was the secret to their success. The most effective way forward is to not only make quitting drinking a top priority, but to think, talk, and act like it can be done.
Become the Impartial Spectator
Whether you view it as a spiritual separation, or merely conceptual, we all have more than one self. There’s the “Mmmmm…beeeer…” self, and the impartial spectator that can detach from and observe this desire.
Let the latter voice be your authority. You’re allowed to want a drink as much as you’re allowed to choose not to have one. There’s tremendous power in observing your thoughts as a third party. The impartial spectator can feel the heat without getting burned.
When in doubt, let it be there. No matter how bad the storm seems, it will pass.
Commit to 30 Days
If you’ve never done it before, it can be hard to think of giving up drinking forever. It’s discouraging to commit to permanent change, only to back out a few days or weeks into it. Some people will face social friction and lifestyle changes for which they’re unprepared.
But life is a laboratory. It’s an adventure that takes shape through hypothesis and experimentation, and most decisions can be reverted. When it comes to making big changes like this, live before you leap. Promise yourself that you will commit to this 100%, but only for 30 days, and see how it goes.
This is exactly what I did last month. I promised myself that November would be alcohol-free, and it was. Truth be told, I had a few drinks on day 31. But I broke the negative pattern that was creeping up on me and gained back the energy to spend on more important activities. And I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I can give up alcohol whenever I feel like, whenever it seems like the right thing to do.
Dump Your Existing Stash
Any goal that’s important to you is important enough to start on right now. My 30-day challenge to give up alcohol started at about 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten back from a post-nightclub McPilgrimage with some friends. I had a great time. I met lots of people. I even ended up dating a girl I met that night.
But I was really annoyed by how much I’d poured into me that night, at succumbing to the resulting Big Mac temptation, and at how much I was going to regret the hangover. As soon as I got home, the challenge was on. I had one last beer in my fridge, which I ceremoniously poured down the kitchen sink.
If you’re serious about doing this, get rid of your alcohol. If you’ve got $300 worth of spirits in your cabinet and you’re not yet sure if you want to empty it all down the drain, only to change your mind in 30 days, then store it at a friend’s place during your probation period. Preferably a friend that doesn’t drink.
Advertise Your Decision
I told most of my friends about what I was doing. Not only only does this add accountability to your goal, it also drops the hint that if your friends are planning on going out and getting wasted, you’re probably not interested.
Of course, you don’t have to avoid social situations where you’ll be the only one not drinking. I’ve gone out stone sober many times–even on my own–and met loads of people. Once you get used to social skydiving, you no longer need alcohol’s permission to talk to strangers and have a good time. You can get to that place by either getting hammered out of your face, or by learning to just not care what other people think. Frankly, the latter is way more fun.
Fire Your Drinking Buddies
Alcohol may be so tightly integrated into your social life that it seems almost impossible to go an entire weekend without drinking. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is that you like the same lagers, you might want to consider finding new friends.
I’ve let go of people in my social circle before and I know it’s not easy–but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. This might be the hardest thing you do in choosing a life without alcohol. The key is to remember that friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest into it. That includes choosing to associate only with people who are aligned with your purpose, while avoiding the energy vampires.
This is another benefit of a 30-day commitment. Instead of permanently downsizing your social life, you can choose to be busy only for the next few weeks. Observe how it affects you when you stop spending time with your beer buddies. Join a local user group for something you’re interested in to bring yourself into contact with people with whom you share more than just a bar tab.
Bribe Yourself
I haven’t used this specific technique for giving up alcohol, but I have used it with much success in bulldozing my way through a wall of social anxiety.
Associate massive pain to backing out. To create that pain, visit your nearest bank machine. Withdraw an amount of money that you’d feel uncomfortable losing. Give it to a friend you trust. Tell them that you get your money back if, and only if, you don’t have a drop of alcohol until your 30 days are up. You’ll be surprised at how even the most difficult tasks become doable when you associate massive pain to breaking your own rules. Money can be a great way to make it hurt. If you can think of an even better form of self-bribery, go for it.
The stronger you feel that alcohol is a part of your life, the more of these techniques you may want to apply. My most recent alcohol-free challenge didn’t require bribery or letting go of any friends. But I did find it extremely useful to limit the challenge to 30 days, to give myself permission to live the lifestyle before leaping to a permanent decision.
I also think that making this a top priority is key, no matter what your current consumption habits. It’s so easy to let yourself slip for just one night, and then feel guilty about breaching your own contract later on.
JC; we are glad you are able to bring your tragic loss to us – together we will help you climb out of the black hell hole – such a sad loss to you and every other life he touched as well as to himself – the pain lingers on and on – Grab onto our hands when you are ready and take it One Step At A Time One Day At A Time For Thirty Days – we are here for you
Grayson; you are probably still picking up the people and helping them out the door and home safely – tell us the stories when you can – the Ceremonial Toast was terrific – love, carol STAY – love, carol xoxoxo
Happy 4th to all!!!
I have been pretty busy last couple days. I played a round of golf this morning and came home to the whole neighborhood in my driveway. The holiday party ended up at my house. Not quite prepared I excused myself to the store to stock up on weapons (N/A drinks). I have a new favorite N/A drink, Diet tonic and Rose’s Mojito mix. The lime and mint make a real nice refreshing drink and in a highball, looks just like everyone else’s drinks. Anyway it’s late and I have a party to clean up. I have read the post from the last couple days. I don’t know where to start so I will get some rest and touch base later.
Mostly, thank you to everyone for your kind words on my 30th. MJ I know I’m just like you and others when it come to drinking, what’s the use if you can’t get hammered. Two drinks is just a tease, although I have given myself permission to drink, it’s now my choice. I still choose not to.
Thanks also for your concern. I’m here; it’s just harder to be here on the weekends with the family and kids. I get on late night but then I’m so beat I’m ready for the hut and a nice cozy hammock.
Diet tonic and Mojito mix
VIVA La Isla
BTW- last couple of days I have felt angry, controlable anger, but just angry. Anyone else?
JC – Just the fact that you wrote to us tonight is a huge step. Good for you for reaching out. I’m glad you’re still here. It will take a life time to comprehend why some die young. My advice to you is to mourn. Mourn in any way you know how. Mourning, really mourning, is crucial to the healing process. So many people don’t allow themselves the time or space to grieve. I can not imagine losing a family member. Please don’t lose yourself while you search for answers. Share you grief with friends and family. There are also great grief counseling groups that exist in most any city. A woman I know husband died in a car accident a few months ago and she is going to a grief group, it has been very helpful to her emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I know it is easy to write this, and you can read it and process it, but to live it is an entirely different. My heart goes out to you tonight. Find the strength in your brother’s memory. In honor of your brother be present and embrace life. I will keep an eye out for you, as will everyone here. Once an Islander, always an Islander..you have a place with us. …xoxox LIGHTHOUSE
ALL – The Freedom toast was empowering! Thank you for being there with me. I held my glass towards the heavens and thanked you all! Happy Freedom Day! :) xo LIGHTHOUSE
LIGHTS OUT…goodnight…sleep tight…xo
(PS – GRAYSON – Sounds like the cookout was a success! Yeah!)
Happy 5th!
I had my toast of unsweetened iced tea (along with a catfish basket) in a small town near my city waiting for fireworks which were rained out. Still a great 4th, though.
Steve Mcnair, one of our former Titan’s football players was murdered yesterday so all of Nashville is very sad today. He spoke to one of my classes years ago which was so great…he will be missed.
Jc, just keep posting. Everyone wants to help. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Like Lighthouse recommended, I’d find a grief counseling group and let us be here for you.
Richard, I felt really PISSED too. Not sure where yours is coming from, but mine definitely was from resentment at having to make all of these changes…why can’t I be like most folks? A few drinks here and there? The conclusion that I’ve reached (or have almost reached) is that this is the way it is. If I want to screw my health and happiness up, not to mention my son and husband’s happiness, then I just need to try having 2 glasses of wine. DOESN”T WORK!!
Scout wrote about patience awhile back. Something that I lack. I’m finding that having patience with sobriety is probably what will carry me through. I was disappointed that I hadn’t dropped 15 lbs. by not drinking and angry that I was still tempted (I thought 30 days would completely break the habit). Maybe in the back of my mind I thought I could moderate, but really, I think I just let a weak moment consume me.
I’m beginning to ramble, but I hope you will stay the course with me. I’m not ready to say “I commit for a year!” What I plan to do is commit forever. I just don’t know how exactly to go about articulating that to my family/friends and self. So I’m just having patience about it all right now. Oh, and not think about it all too much.
Love you all,
Martha
Hi all, haven’t been back since I originally posted my intentions to start the 30 day challenge, which was June 30th. Last night I ended up having a couple glasses of white wine. I thought, with company coming for 2 weeks (arriving today), it was probably impulsive and bad for timing. Was I really not going to enjoy a glass of wine with my mom??!
The thing is, I woke up regretting it. If I can’t do it with a clear conscience, then it’s not worth it. It’s bad for losing the final few pounds, it’s bad for the skin, it’s bad for your body, and on and on.
I guess this is harder than I thought it would be! Plus I broke my own vow, which is bothering me more than I thought it would.
So my recourse is to forgive myself and hope that I can find a way to eliminate alcohol from my life and have that feel normal.
JC, I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you can hold on to the fact that although it doesn’t feel like it, life can and will go on. May your heart find healing with time.
Hello to all,
I love the early mornings. It is so quiet and peaceful. We have a lot of birds in our neighborhood and their singing is really music. On our front porch we have a hanging basket with flowers in it. It has become home for a family of purple finches, so it is fun to watch the mom and dad come and go. We have to be careful when watering so we don’t drown them out, and there are 5 little feather heads in the nest. When you peek in, you see either feathers and 2 (or 10) eyes looking at you, or eyes and open mouths just peep, peep, peeping away. Of course waking up without a hangover and feeling good definitely makes the scenery more enjoyable too.
MJ, I had to chuckle at your comment on the AP’s. I felt the same way yesterday. It was a nice day to be outside, so in the afternoon I had 3 Clost….(can’t remember the name) N/A beers. That was enough. They are so good, I can’t tell the difference between regular beer and N/A. I will definitely get more of that! So….before dinner, I switched to AP’s. I must have had 4 of them. I was thirsty, I guess. Heck, I did think about it and said, if these were alcoholic drinks that would have been 7 by 7 p.m. The weird part is in the past, I probably wouldn’t have even thought about it. I’d have just kept drinking. I don’t think iced tea and diet lemonade are going to hurt you, so cheers!
Faith, so you are onto the AP’s huh? They are awesome, and look like a mixed drink too.
Richard, I’ll have to try the diet tonic and Rose’s mojito mix, sounds good.
Grayson, bet you are feeling GREAT this morning!
We watched some of the TV shows from Washington D.C. last night. Sure were impressive!
Carol, hope you are doing well too.
Martha, we saw the news about Steve McNair. How tragic. It made me think about how nothing is a given in this life. He had youth, fame, money etc., but obviously some things were not right. Only thing I consider a given is the promise we receive from God on eternal life. Again, not trying to convert anyone, just stating my belief.
JC, my heart goes out to you too. Keep coming back for friendship and support.
Key, how are the puppies?
Lighthouse, good to read your posts today.
Hopefully we will be taking our boat out today, so watch for us circling around the island! We’ll toot and wave. I want to make it clear I am not going OFF the island, just enjoying the water AROUND the island. I’ll be back on the island after boating. See you later!
Love,
Ivy
Heidi,
I was in your spot recently after a small slip up with wine. As everyone here told me…..chalk it up to experience and drive on. Start over. Every day is a new one. We are human and our egos play amazing mind games with us. Remember, you can choose what is best for you. Any time I am tempted, I remember my brief experience with moderation. It didn’t work. Check in, and use the n/a options. Most times people don’t even know, or care what you are having. Put the drink in the same glass as what they are having and enjoy the company and how good you’ll feel (physically, emotionally, etc)!
Ivy
Ivy,
Thanks for your words of wisdom!! You’re right to remind a newcomer to “chalk it up to experience and drive on”.
I didn’t realize that this isn’t just about not drinking, it’s about a lifestyle change.
By the way, I can’t imagine trying to water a basket of flowers that is occupied by such lovely feathery creatures, but how nice of them to give you such a “problem”. ;o)
Off to work until suppertime. Have a fabulous Sunday everyone!
G’morning!
Still rockin and rollin.
Greyson, you ok?
Good morning. I was up very late, being the sober, responsible friend and tending to some of my drunken buddies. Two of which passed out on the deck, in a seated position, on some lawn chairs. One of which, passed out before the fireworks show, on the couch, in the family room. He’s actually still sleeping and I keep checking to make sure he is breathing. Overall, I had a fantastic time but have some more cleaning up to do. With every party you host, comes a bit of drama. I’ll spare you most of the details but some of the drama did include vomit in my bathroom sink and a wrestling match in my yard that ended up in a full out brawl.
Unknown to me, I did have three of my friends attend the party yesterday and did not drink. These three are hard core drinkers. Last I ran into them was about 2 weeks ago at a poker game. At that time, I told them I was nearly 2 months sober. Apparently those words struck them hard and I started a trend with these three that I wasn’t even aware of. All three of them made a pact to do 30 days of sobriety starting the very next day. The three of them were all on day 12 yesterday at the party. They didn’t stay long and all showed up together. I was very proud of them. It’s funny because I think Key and Carol were just talking about this same subject.
Off to try and wake up the last stragler from the party, give him some breakfast, and hopefully he’ll be on his way. Before passing out, he did tell me that he was gonna start his 30 days of sobriety today as well. He probably won’t remember but I will be sure to remind him.
Heidi and J.C.- Welcome back!
-Grayson-
P.S. For the record, I may have started a trend amongst my buddies for attempting 30 days of sobriety, but I never mentioned anything to anyone about this forum or website. Believe me, I sure as hell do not want any of my friends reading my business nor do they need to be reading about any of your business either. They simply know that I take this challange 1 day at a time and do it in 30 day increments. I Just wanted to clear that up in case anyone was thinking that I was handing out business cards for 30 sleeps.
Have a great day everyone!
-Grayson-
Grayson; YaY; Good for You!! – I was so pleased to be part of your party and the plus was the guys who quit with you – I love the morning after visuals – you are a good man – cleaning up after a bunch of drunks – they are very lucky to have you give them a party, a house to crash and a morning with breakfast to awaken to – good for you – I thought of you during my Quaker Meeting this morning you in the heart of Quaker land and smiled but no one know the reason for my smile it was the visual of above
I was pleased to drink a toast with you and am drinking a Cranergy/seltzer with you now as well
everyone have a STAY day – more later – love, carol xoxoxo
Richard, Martha; I used to feel anger, pissed, growly, yes even near rage and I thin it was that it was just not fair that “everybody” else could drink but me – then eventually I started looking at people and wondering what they would be thinking, feeling in the morning; what they would do later that night and a while later some of the worst anger subsided on its own and I don’t seem to have it any more – some of the patience, like scout is talking about has permeated my system – I still get the Not Fair moment but they are much milder than before – I hope this is something like yours are – love, carol xoxoxo
Ivy – I had a few Clausthalers (recommendation from the Island) and have to agree, pretty darn good. Might try a few more.
Grayson – Some funny stories. Party, crash pad and breakfast – nice! If I had been there in my hay day, I would of been asking “where are the morning Mojitos.”
Sober Chronicles – Vol.1
I finally got out this morning and tackled the garage. First thing I noticed was why the hell is my wine storage case running? Now mind you, we’re not talking a $300 Costco unit here — this was a French manufactured “wine cave”. 750 bottle capacity, teak shelving, Heater plus cooling compressor, etc. Climate wise, it can be warm and cold here (daily), so this utility guzzler was cranking all the time. My big plan of course was to collect and age wine but funny thing, never had more than a case or so in it. And I was regularly buying “collectible” wines.
Hmmmm…. Wonder why? Unplugging it felt great!
Just another $$ saving tip brought to you by STAY.com and our sister affiliate Drive-on.net
J.C.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. As you’ve been reading, we hear you and hope that each coming day is more peaceful. I also resonate with Lighthouse’s words…grieving is an active thing and, from my own experience, comes in great waves. I wish you well and hope this site and the people here are of some comfort to you.
Scout
HEIDI –
Nice to see you posting again…as Ivy said, “Chalk it up to experience and drive on!” And as you said, “I didn’t realize that this isn’t just about not drinking, it’s about a lifestyle change.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. Very profound in it’s simplicity! It really resonates with me.
LIGHTHOUSE
Happy 5th all. I gota get this sleep/wake thing right soon. Staying up too late and getting up too late. Had a great time at the country club yesterday. I think my closest friend was uncomfortable that I wasn’t drinking with her. We were hanging out with people who were drinking. It’s clear that some people can really moderate and some just can’t. The ones who can are really fun. The others start fun and get not fun…rambling on and about nothing. I KNOW I used to do that and wake up so embarrassed.
Everyone must be tired from the 4th of July celebrations yesterday. I know I was too. MJ, sounds like you had a busy day in the garage. That wine frig sure sounds nice, maybe we could use it on the island for lemonade and iced tea etc? After all, this is an exclusive, upscale place where it would be put to good use.
Well, back to work for me tomorrow. I’m ready. I only work through Wednesday and then have off several days to head “up north” for some R and R. I suppose that will be my next challenge. I’m thinking I’m going to take my coffeemaker along so I can make some iced coffee and drink that on deck while reading. Going out to dinner will be my challenge. Not having a few cocktails first will be hard. I don’t think I’ve been out to dinner much since I quit drinking, at least it’s been awhile. Any tips?
Testing, my first note didn’t go through
Never mind, my lack of technical expertise is showing up again.
Ivy – ah, the perfect trifecta post. And yeah, “that fridge” was probably the most ridiculous part of it all. Have a good trip.
… I might stick around a bit. Considering all the parties yesterday, might be a good idea to leave a late night torch burning on each of the Coasts and the Central Valley.
I had a 4 hour nap today! Ate too much chocolate cake and candy yesterday! I was at PDQ’s Candy Bar!
Looking forward to another new week to get things back to my new normal.
Hope all is well.
Ivy – misread you first post as if you we’re going out of town for some R&D, thinking it was a business trip. Correction. Have a great trip and time! I know you’ll avoid my R&R mistakes.
Faith – Looking forward to getting back to normal as well. It’ll be my “new” day 4.
Played tennis with my son for the first time. It was great! Wouldn’t have done that hung over.
KEY – That is a great image! You playing tennis with your son! I can imagine you in the sun, with your son, playing tennis with a smile on your face. :)
GOODNIGHT! LIGHTS OUT! TORCHES TOO!
xo LIGHTHOUSE
Key; it is fantastic for you to be playing tennis with your son alcohol-free – they really appreciate their parents not drinking I think – I regret all the time I drank during my son’s childhood and activities but have I told you, I don’t drink now?!
here’s to all of us starting a full week of dry July – I toast you with a Cranergy Splash with my cereal
- love, carol xoxoxo
Grayson- congrats, man, on staying strong AND for being a positive influence!!
A pox on the person who vomited in your sink. yuck.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT – I have a friend who is spiraling…I found this quote and thought it was an interesting twist on “hitting bottom”…
“Right here, right now, in this moment, with no judgement on yourself for anything in the past, you can begin right now to do your best with kindness towards yourself. I used to think I had to reach rock bottom to make a good decision and start the upward spiral. What freedom it was when I realized I didn’t have to wait for that, but could launch skyward at any point!”
Have a good day!!
LIGHTHOUSE