There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.
– Terry Pratchett
My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. It’s for this reason that I can’t remember my grandpa’s funeral: I was only four. This is also why my grandma has meticulously avoided alcohol for over 20 years. If there’s anything to the rumours about alcoholism being influenced by heredity, I’m probably tagged.
My own consumption patterns change. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of several months having three or four drinks, three to five times a week. Sometimes I’ll restrict my consumption to social occasions. For about five months starting last December, in my quest to master the art of talking to strangers, my social life became two full-time jobs. I was constantly going out to social events, clubs, bars, museum parties, and everything in between. Despite temptation, I rarely drank.
Last month, I quit drinking alcohol again. I’d like to tell you that it was a struggle. I’d like to pretend that it’s almost impossible to stay sober at a social occasion where everyone else is burping bubbles. I’d like to imagine myself as more determined and disciplined than all the rest, and that’s what pulled me through.
But the truth is that I’m ruthlessly normal. And if you want to end your relationship with alcohol, right here, right now, It’s Not That Hard.
I’m guessing that most people who choose to quit drinking are not alcoholics. My intent is to offer here an action plan that anyone can apply, whether you’re nursing an addiction or just want to enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sobriety.
Why Stop Drinking?
The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced:
- Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people.
- Avoid the McPilgrimage. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy between the fast food industry and the liquor industry. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary.
- Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. And this doesn’t even count the time lost waiting for your brain to resolidify the morning after a night on the town.
- Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months.
- Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep.
You can probably think of other instantly gratifying benefits to life beyond the bottle. The important thing is to actually have a reason that is important enough to you.
Make It Priority Number One
Giving up alcohol is one of the easiest and hardest changes you can make in your life.
It’s easy once you’ve established the right rules, configured your environment to support you, and set up useful boundaries of pain and pleasure to help direct you towards your goal. The hard parts are the social implications and fighting off the One Man Army that is your ego, with its barrage of self-limiting beliefs and drink requests.
Giving up alcohol must be made priority number one in your life. A partial commitment is a commitment to failure. Even if you already don’t drink that often, it will be tempting to break your own rules when your friends call you up and invite you out. You’ve got to be willing to prioritize this decision in every situation where it’s relevant, even when that means Just Saying No to pub night.
It’s Not a Big Deal
Ever notice how some people act as though the end of their relationship is the end of the world? It’s as if there’s no point in living if they can’t be with that person any longer. Yet other people come along and date that person who left them, eventually break up with them, and see it as hardly more than a blip on the radar.
You may feel that it’s pretty easy to give up drinking. Or you may feel that it’s an addiction with a stranglehold on your life. Either way, there is no inherent magnitude to this task. It’s as big or as small as you make it.
No matter how much you want to tell yourself how hard it is, nobody’s ever going to claim that learned helplessness was the secret to their success. The most effective way forward is to not only make quitting drinking a top priority, but to think, talk, and act like it can be done.
Become the Impartial Spectator
Whether you view it as a spiritual separation, or merely conceptual, we all have more than one self. There’s the “Mmmmm…beeeer…” self, and the impartial spectator that can detach from and observe this desire.
Let the latter voice be your authority. You’re allowed to want a drink as much as you’re allowed to choose not to have one. There’s tremendous power in observing your thoughts as a third party. The impartial spectator can feel the heat without getting burned.
When in doubt, let it be there. No matter how bad the storm seems, it will pass.
Commit to 30 Days
If you’ve never done it before, it can be hard to think of giving up drinking forever. It’s discouraging to commit to permanent change, only to back out a few days or weeks into it. Some people will face social friction and lifestyle changes for which they’re unprepared.
But life is a laboratory. It’s an adventure that takes shape through hypothesis and experimentation, and most decisions can be reverted. When it comes to making big changes like this, live before you leap. Promise yourself that you will commit to this 100%, but only for 30 days, and see how it goes.
This is exactly what I did last month. I promised myself that November would be alcohol-free, and it was. Truth be told, I had a few drinks on day 31. But I broke the negative pattern that was creeping up on me and gained back the energy to spend on more important activities. And I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I can give up alcohol whenever I feel like, whenever it seems like the right thing to do.
Dump Your Existing Stash
Any goal that’s important to you is important enough to start on right now. My 30-day challenge to give up alcohol started at about 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten back from a post-nightclub McPilgrimage with some friends. I had a great time. I met lots of people. I even ended up dating a girl I met that night.
But I was really annoyed by how much I’d poured into me that night, at succumbing to the resulting Big Mac temptation, and at how much I was going to regret the hangover. As soon as I got home, the challenge was on. I had one last beer in my fridge, which I ceremoniously poured down the kitchen sink.
If you’re serious about doing this, get rid of your alcohol. If you’ve got $300 worth of spirits in your cabinet and you’re not yet sure if you want to empty it all down the drain, only to change your mind in 30 days, then store it at a friend’s place during your probation period. Preferably a friend that doesn’t drink.
Advertise Your Decision
I told most of my friends about what I was doing. Not only only does this add accountability to your goal, it also drops the hint that if your friends are planning on going out and getting wasted, you’re probably not interested.
Of course, you don’t have to avoid social situations where you’ll be the only one not drinking. I’ve gone out stone sober many times–even on my own–and met loads of people. Once you get used to social skydiving, you no longer need alcohol’s permission to talk to strangers and have a good time. You can get to that place by either getting hammered out of your face, or by learning to just not care what other people think. Frankly, the latter is way more fun.
Fire Your Drinking Buddies
Alcohol may be so tightly integrated into your social life that it seems almost impossible to go an entire weekend without drinking. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is that you like the same lagers, you might want to consider finding new friends.
I’ve let go of people in my social circle before and I know it’s not easy–but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. This might be the hardest thing you do in choosing a life without alcohol. The key is to remember that friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest into it. That includes choosing to associate only with people who are aligned with your purpose, while avoiding the energy vampires.
This is another benefit of a 30-day commitment. Instead of permanently downsizing your social life, you can choose to be busy only for the next few weeks. Observe how it affects you when you stop spending time with your beer buddies. Join a local user group for something you’re interested in to bring yourself into contact with people with whom you share more than just a bar tab.
Bribe Yourself
I haven’t used this specific technique for giving up alcohol, but I have used it with much success in bulldozing my way through a wall of social anxiety.
Associate massive pain to backing out. To create that pain, visit your nearest bank machine. Withdraw an amount of money that you’d feel uncomfortable losing. Give it to a friend you trust. Tell them that you get your money back if, and only if, you don’t have a drop of alcohol until your 30 days are up. You’ll be surprised at how even the most difficult tasks become doable when you associate massive pain to breaking your own rules. Money can be a great way to make it hurt. If you can think of an even better form of self-bribery, go for it.
The stronger you feel that alcohol is a part of your life, the more of these techniques you may want to apply. My most recent alcohol-free challenge didn’t require bribery or letting go of any friends. But I did find it extremely useful to limit the challenge to 30 days, to give myself permission to live the lifestyle before leaping to a permanent decision.
I also think that making this a top priority is key, no matter what your current consumption habits. It’s so easy to let yourself slip for just one night, and then feel guilty about breaching your own contract later on.
George – Good for you. I’m on day one – again. I have copied your collection of posts to a word file on my computer for quick reference. I plan to read this (or part of it) every afternoon. That is when I get the cravings.
Good luck to all.
RB
Good morning all! Lots of concerns over the big sporting event this weekend! Yes it’s big in Canada and we also use it as an opportunity to get hammered and miss work. Lots of drunken stories that I could share but not much point in doing that. I hope everyone does what they have to do to achieve their goals this weekend, pretty vague huh? Truth is I don’t feel comfortable telling people if they should or not because quite frankly it doesn’t matter, it’s each of us who has to deal with it and live with the results. Of course I hope everyone remains on the track they have laid out, cause it really is only a football game. If you want good excuses to tell people why you aren’t getting shitfaced, I can help with that.
George – You rock! Congrats on 30, it is a huge accomplishment! Thanks for you collection of posts that struck you. I read at least one every day that turns some kind of a bulb on in my head. (now that the bulbs are capable of lighting again)
Key – you mentionend that you wished you were in a position to give advice to others. Trust me, your posts provide a ton of insight. You lay it out plain and simple and that is appreciated! Your comment about remembering who that person was, in my case I had been at it so long that memory is gone forever. I am reacquainting myself with me now.
Keep up the fight! Go Saints!
Gypsie – you will recover from a job loss, that I know. It may be a good time to take stock in your career options. Sometimes we need a nudge to go down a different happier path!
mj – now that is funny, I can remember a few similar nights in front of the tv.
Carol – got a big pot of chili for TWITS patrons!
Peppermint – wise words about trading freedom for a drop. I am feeling the same way!
Maryg – nice to be exhausted from life, and not from a hangover and headache!!
Annie – good luck with the law papers, and the plans for Nepal!
Val – thinking through it is important, cause the feelings go away. they also get fewer the greater the days you can fend it off! Go for it!! You can do it!
Iadara/River Ben – welcome back!
Day 1 again for both wine and cigarettes. I have started taking my dog for a walk every day after work which is something that I never did before because I was too anxious to start drinking. Now I enjoy these walks.
I haven’t been perfect, but I feel a definite shift in my attitude. Drinking is no longer such a central focus in my life. I am starting to creep out of alcohol bondage slowly.
Cograts George!
TPAZ
johan- I know I know- but how do I know what is a ‘happier path’?? I think I need a fortune teller..you’d think by calling myself ‘gypsie’ I’d be my own huh? I wish I could stay totally motivated and energized during my waking hours instead of having feelings of doubt -grrrrrrr
Gypsie – (as I stare into my crystal ball) I see much happiness in your future, you will be motivated and energized! Your career path will be changing, and I see much wealth, and happiness in your future…! How was that? Truth is we are our own fortune creators, so your name is appropriate. How’s your boy doing, still having cheese withdrawls?
TPAZ – the mood of your posts reflect that shift!
George, great post. That was very thoughtful of you and I’ve saved a link to your comments so I can call on them in times of need. Congrats of 30!! Sure is great having you here.
Iadara, welcome back! Way to go on day 6. Keep posting, no matter what. This place provides strength.
Way to go Lee! Isn’t that an amazing moment when our spouse leaves and we don’t jump all over our usual opportunity to get blasted? I’m super proud of you. It’s like scoring a touchdown in the big game.
Hey River Ben, welcome back!! That’s the way to do it. Never quit quitting.
TPAZ, glad to hear of the progress. I think it’s so important for us to have an attitude like you expressed. Just because many of us have to start our count over at some point, we still have to give ourselves a pat on the back for trying, doing better than before, and not giving up. You’ve got what it takes.
Gotta work. Talk to you all later.
RRR
Good Day all
MJ- this is my first 30. I have done stints of
10-15 or maybe 30 days before but I always cheated, a drink here or there during the quit time which I somehow rationalized to myself that it did’t really count.
I have to give credit to all of you on this site who’s input that have really helped me this time around.
River Ben,TPAZ and others with restarts know that the majority of us have had to give it a go more than once to get to a safe place. I may be looking to you should I stumble in the near future.
The quotes I listed are only a part of the inspiration here. Every poost counts.I have allowed alcohol to cause me to behave in a manner that is not true to who I am many times before.
I have bold faced lied to my wife when she asked me about drinking. I would refill and refill the bottle of absolute over and over and over in the cabinet or fill it with water to hide it from my wife. I have hid little and big bottles of booze everywhere. I would sneak drinks at family functions. Sneak miniatures into concerts and football games. Drink my sons wine coolers(uuggh) and replace them, same with my wifes wine.I’m sure I have damaged jobs, relationships and education opportunities of all kinds over the years. I’m 49 vand I’ve been behaving like this since I was 12 or 13.
The stories I have read from others that are somewhat similar have helped me as much as any others. We are not alone in this.
I gave up ‘left handers’ about two years ago(primarily for job seeking reasons), I quit taking sleep meds right after day 1 here.
This is a strange yet wonderful place to be right now. No drugs,alcohol or meds of any kind for a month right know.I didn’t really think it was possible.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
But today I will choose not to drink.
Have a Great Day and God Bless
G
Johan – thanks- you really caused me a genuine smile. It’s nice to hear someone say ‘everything is going to be alright’ and I appreciate that! My Boy is good, don’t mention cheese..you’ll wake him up! jk.
George- that is peculiar about acting like a child- I’ll try to remember that next time I feel like crying-jk.
note to self: you’re a grown woman, act like it.
I wish I could say exactly the right thing to re-starters, either mean enough or forgiving enough to help. At times I was so ashamed of restarting that I wanted to just change my username and pretend to be a newbie. Other times, I was tempted to just lie because “it was only one glass of wine” or “I drank, but didn’t get drunk”. I think real change comes over time. God Bless those who go cold turkey and never look back, but it could not be me. I would have thought it was impulsive and not meaningful.
They say tall weeds in a garden can shade the important plants and kill them. Well, an Oak tree can shade everything and still let it live. Drinking is weeds, but I want quitting to be an oak tree. Those take a long time to grow and have deep roots.
George. Thanks for the collection of quotes. Do that every couple of months or so! They represent an enormous amount of insight and growth, and are worth reading and re-reading.
You hit a cord with “I have allowed alcohol to cause me to behave in a manner that is not true to whom I am”. That was also a major motivation for me to quit. All the lies about drinking, how much and when. Being afraid of my significant other finding bottles or even receipts from liquor stores. Now I am free, now I am true to myself and the ones I love. I don’t have to lie.
VIVA LA ISLA
I would like it when people who start over post the day they made it to, like 36 back to 1 or 5 back to one.
Alrighty then….36 and now back on Day 6. Theoretically I could skim over the single glass and say it’s 42 days today. Very tempting. But that would be dismissing the fact I very consciously had that single glass, and learnt much from it. We can do this again together, Key.
TPAZ, I’m happy you’re still here after having a bit of a stumble. Examine carefully what happened, the circumstances that led up to it, and be prepared for how you are going to deal with it when these things happen again. They will – they always do! Cool that you’re still about.
Thanks Johan for the nice thoughts.
Gypsie, I think the quote is in “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” – but it goes something like this: No such thing as a wrong decision…if my path goes this way, I get to taste strawberries. If it goes that way, I get blueberries. Either way, no matter where life leads you, you get to gain something you would never have otherwise had.
Have faith that you’re currently exactly where you need to be, and that your path will be the best one possible for you, for Gypsie.
Hugs everyone
A
Annie–maybe it’s just me being nosy…when I see somebody starting over I go back to the last post with days. Maybe different re-starts need a different kind of encouragement, like the difference between a bike rider who just lost his training wheels and an experienced rider who wrecked. Or, again, maybe I’m just nosy.
No, I don’t think so, I think it’s just being curious :-) It does make a difference how we respond, so I fully hear you. A Day 1 person with no “previous” (That’s me just talking in police lingo..lol) probably does have different needs when they first post. I understand exactly what you’re saying.
Thank you for your kind messages regarding my mother’s recent death. I feel so privileged that I was able to care for her in these last six months; she lived these months with inspiring grace. One of my favorite memories was an evening in September. As a ritual, I brought a carafe of cool water up to her bedroom just after dark. One night I brought the water to her room and found her watching out the window as the full moon was shining on the ocean; she loved that pathway the light makes on water at night. She looked at me and said, “Oh, I am so lucky.” Nothing more, just a moment captured that paints a lovely picture of who she was and the generosity with which she moved about the world. I feel very grateful to have admired my mother – this gives me motivation to continue to grow, to learn, to understand kindness and modesty in the way that she lived her own life. To have these things to aspire to is a tremendous gift.
And, needless to say (except here’s a good place to say it!) I am also tremendously happy that I spent every minute of those six months entirely present – no alcohol to interfere with the experience no matter how painful or sad it was at times. The thing is, the time with her since her diagnosis was so rich, so compelling – and I would have missed the depth of it had I felt the need to drink in order to avoid feeling it. And, I am ashamed to think of what might have happened in the final weeks when I needed to sleep in the same room with her so to be awakened at the slightest call. Even though, I was sober for it, I still feel shame – isn’t that interesting? I wonder if it some measure of knowing that there were things I have missed in my own children’s lives in the past because I wasn’t always as present as I should have been. I do say, should, because it’s true – and something I live with in my hip pocket as a humble reminder of what has been – and a note of joy in where I am.
So, any way, thank you – it was very, very nice to log on and find so many messages to me and I was very touched.
Maire, I hope you are fairing well. Your posts are a welcome sight, my dear.
Annie, I like reading your honest thoughts here – and here’s to that dream coming to fruition; it will change your life and here’s to that kind of change!
Grayson, I’m glad you’ve been able to sustain so many days. it does get easier doesn’t it? It becomes so much more clear that it is doable, the best choice, full of good things – and wonderful stories.
MJ – thanks for your talisman hug. I wish I could show you the piece of stone that I have found in my mother’s belongings. It looks to be a pale blue jade – a carving of a bird sitting on a plum tree branch ripe with fruit. Lovely. Stone pieces make me think of you and fondly so.
There are so many good people writing good things – George, it is a testament to such in your post – what a wonderful place is 30zzz’s. To each of you, than you for your posts – to those just beginning and those in the days of the long haul and hard workers in the in between – I send my best wishes and surges of courage to you.
With lots of love
Scout
Day 96
Thought I’d check in and say hello.
I’m coming up to day 100 and have been reflecting on how I got here, the benefits of getting this thing out of my life and where I go from here.
Firstly I have to admit that even after all this time alcohol is something i think about virtually every morning when I wake up and every evening. Usually i manage to notice the thoughts without getting caught up in them – but they are still there. This says to me that this is one heck of an addiction. It almost makes me more determined not slip back because i recognise what a hold this stuff has over me. I’ve come this far so why put myself through all this again?
The benefits of abstinence are too many to mention. A lot aare to do with feeling healthier and somehow liberated. I don’t have to experience that feeling of panic/dread if there were no beers or wine in the fridge to see me through the evening. I’m now feeling better about myself. I’ve lost weight and am running every other day.
Hopefully my children will also benefit. I can’t have been the best role model drinking every evening and always making that my priority.
Some changes are subtle and easy to overlook but
nevertheless very real. Enjoying eating fruit, not waking every morning at 4 and switching on TV.
more regular bowel habits… the list goes on!
I must make a definitive list and pin it up somewhere.
As always value all your posts and freely acknowledge that there is no way i could have done this without this special place.
With much gratitude
John
Ahhh Scout, your message about your mother found me at my desk at work with my eyes welling up.
Best wishes
George
JohnR-GOOD STUFF!! Thanks for Sharing.
and to you Annie -inspiring me to continue my path regardless of my next destination (haha-bit of anxiety even though you made it sweet either way!)
scout, for sharing a ‘Light’ again Bless,
JohnR – I hear ya brother! Nice going!
Scout – touching post! You do have a way of putting things in perspective.
Scout, your post about your mother brought me to tears. . . you always express yourself so eloquently. I’ve missed reading your posts. I lost my connection here and I am glad to be back again. Thank you.
Faith: I remember you mentioning that you too had a few “false” starts. . . now your the inspirational one!
Grayson: Glad to hear you are doing so well.
I’m listening to all of you and grateful you’re there.
Way to go, George!!! 30 days without any mind altering substances is a great accomplishment.
JohnR – It’s scary how even after 96 days the thoughts of alcohol continue.
I began to waver this afternoon. As I drove home I thought about how good it would be to have a few beers (6-8) and smoke some cigarettes (3-4). I began to convince myself that doing these things in moderation would be ok. I resisted and am happy and proud I did.
I have made a firm commitment to abstaining for AT LEAST 30 days. I refuse to give in to my cravings.
Lee
JohnR, happy 96 with 100 in sight. Good for you and appreciate the truth you tell.
Well I’m on the last stretch towards my own 30 days and trying to put more effort and time into me. I am a natural caregiver with my (grown)children, my husband and my mother-in-law, and I have now realized that I have neglected myself in many ways. I grew up accepting that it wasn’t ‘nice’ to focus on myself. And I wanted desperately to be liked by everyone. In fact, my nickname as I was affectionately known by my close girlfriends in high school was “mom”. If someone liked me than that was indeed validation that I was a worthwhile person. I learnt not to say no even when I wanted to say NO, I learnt to put myself last and everyone first, and I learnt that my needs and wants were irrevelant in the whole scheme of things.
I am now just beginning to learn how to be selfish in a good way. I will be 50 in May and I have just realized that I don’t really know who Mary is other than wife, mother, daughter, sister etc. What is my true, authentic self? How will I know if I find her? What am I truly happy doing? What do I hope to do with my life other than caretaking others? These are some of the questions that I am trying to find the answers to.
I would love do something so honourable as Annie because she will be going on a journey with the sole purpose of making a difference in others’ lives. What an admirable thing to do. I’ve been thinking of her unselfish decision to help others and wondering what I can do to make a difference too. And I realized today that I’ve been too busy looking at bigger horizons and neglecting my own backyard.
My husband wants to put his mother in a home because her dementia has become so severe that she has forgotten how to use the toilet properly. She has severe health problems too. I have been taking care of all her needs for 18 months now, since she came to live with us. Tonight as I bathed her, dressed her and combed her hair before putting her to bed and covering her up, I realized that I have gone through these motions so often that I have forgotten that this poor soul is a lost, and very unhappy soul. Yes, I am kind and gentle with her and I am respectful in manner, but lately in these past two months I have considered her a burden to us. My husband never wanted her to move in with us, but it was at my insistence that she came because she wanted to be with her only child. He has no patience with her at all and refuses to show her any real respect. In fact he calls her by her first name instead of Mom and ridicules her for her mental/physical incapacities. This is very upsetting to me. I am always trying to smooth the waves in this house of three. Either he is angry with her or she is crying at his anger. Calming both of them down in different ways has not been easy. Alcohol smoothed the waves for me. Now I see, that two people I care for are very unhappy. Maybe it is best that she goes to a home, but I feel so much guilt over this. My husband says it is my decision, as I do all the “so-called work”. But when I kissed her good night and I see how dependent she is on me, I don’t know what is the right thing to do. She is terrified of going to a home, but this is my husband’s life too and he is miserable. I also am trying to figure out if having her dependent on me is just reinforcing my own perception of myself as “the ultimate caretaker”. You know sometimes being sober and spending time thinking about important things is not what it’s all cracked up to be…I’m really just kidding Everyone! I guess I’m saying that now that I don’t live in my self-induced fog, I must start seriously making decisions or finding better ways of coping for all of us. I must put my personal guilt aside and really look at these two people and evaluate what is really best for all three of us.
Before I sign off, I want to wish George a Happy 30th. Wonderful news, George! Isn’t it great to feel so proud of yourself??!!!
Love and Big Hugs to All,
Mary
Mary, what a wonderful message…I have read it once and am off to work now, but will read it again when I get home.
I have written something about this year for us – turning 50 (I think maybe Key is there too?) and would love to share it. Trouble is, it’s just under 1000 words and would take up a whole page maybe.
Here’s an excerpt though…the final little bit. I hope you can take something from it. I called it, “A Celebration of Growing Up”.
“So I stand poised, in this momentous year, with a deep sense of peace and yet breathlessness about the years that wait before me, the years where my story will be written for the universe to reflect on. Whatever story emerges, chapter by chapter, will not always be mine to write. Many of those pages will be stained with tears – the inevitable passing of my parents, for example – but many more pages will be crafted by me, in my own novel: Annie X: Nothing Left Undone. (Unless, of course, it’s buttons forgotten to be done up, in the fog of senility. I think even that would be fun.) But in this new book, it isn’t about the doing; it is about being.
They want me to age disgracefully, of course – my sisters who walk alongside me in this liberation – but I won’t. I will instead age gracefully, with poise and dignity. I have grown into a skin that finally fits, where the creases are earned and the softness of my femininity mine to revere and respect.
The chapter begins on a fresh, new page…the very best white paper, and to be written longhand with a beautiful pen. It has no synopsis, no predetermined outcome. Nothing has been crafted yet. The previous 49 years? That’s when I wrote the introduction.”
Stay strong, Mary. You are truly an inspiration to me with your courage and compassion.
xxx
hello everyone, I haven’t posted in over a month,but have been reading. I have learned and have taken what everyone is saying to heart. So much of what everyone is saying is true for me and I have taken some time and need more time to really think about were I am in life and what I want. I have always taken care of everyone and now as my kids get older and even the younger ones seem to be more self reliant, I have realized that I only have my drinking left for me. Don’t know if that makes any sense or not. I have always had to be the brave one, when I got divorced and he wouldn’t see the kids for five years, I was there for them, when they did see their dad and his new family didn’t have time for them, I was there for them. When I got re-married and my husband didn’t get along with my kids, I was there for them. Now as they are all out of the house, I don’t have to take care of it and feel kinda lost and my drinking has taken the place. I know I need to change that, but the first step is realizing it, right.
Sorry for my rambling.
Did I mention that I hate day 4’s? Well, I didn’t cave in to the drink. Smoked but it helped so I’d rather do that now. One demon at a time.
Got invited out…figures…never did when I felt like drinking, and now all of the sudden the girls want to go out and I’m invited for the first time. I think I can go and not drink, but maybe I shouldn’t risk it.
Elizabeth, welcome home. Read your story, Mary’s too. seems that many of us on the island have had or have caregiving roles, and somehow the drinking crept in. I can’t write much now but have you both in my thoughts. You both deserve to write your next chapters, as Annie alluded to. Your chapters. Not someone elses. Others can be in the story but your perspective counts to, now more than ever. Remember, we are part of the new rennaissance, the cool ones who do not drink. Love to all.
G’nite
RRR
maryg:: that was an incredibly honest post. Thank you for sharing it.
Elizabeth:: welcome back and reading your words on the heels of scout, maryg and annie, one can’t help but reflect a little.
Considering the wild premise that drink could ever be accepted as any kind of medicinal proxy, me thinks an argument could at least be mumbled and partially substantiated by both your posts. But even within anonymous island blogging, we know that’s as far as we can probably take it. To find that real self, (and clues are etched in every stone, on every beach around here) we’re all being gifted in realizing it happens without the crutches and cons that come free with every bottle of alcohol. Continuing to use them while buying into ‘it’ (to piggy back off Annie’s and RiverRat’s words), our chapters most likely will never be written, let alone read or remembered.
Lee:: great resolve, attitude and plan! STAY.
scout::I know many of us here are in line to face that final lullabye you so beautifully painted and specifically, the ‘latent sorrow’ you speak of, which I’m sure is comforting to many even amidst the sorrow…and thanks so much for the warm stone too. U roc.
George:: We all share so many familiar story lines. You started ‘bout 5 years before me but I got 6 years on you so we’ll call it even-steven – our stories wind down the same path.
JohnR:: I can already hear you ripping the hinges off that 100 day door!
Day 5
key: Day 4 was a bit tough for me as well. I’ve usually had my worst problems on day 10 for some reason. I totally understand what you are going through regarding the invites to go out. It always seems to happen that way for me too. I can go months without having any nights out and as soon as I quit drinking, everyone is asking me to hang out. I would be careful when and if you do go out. I am weak when surrounded by drinkers. Yesterday I was invited to a superbowl party and I said no thank you. The guys who are having the party are huge drinkers and smokers….I knew I would never last if I attend.
mj: Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have been to this point before and not lasted past 10 – 20 days. I am trying to be aware of the triggers that push me over the edge. I do not want to fail in my quest for 30 days of sobriety.
Fridays have been historically difficult for me. I have always liked to drink after a week of work. Thankfully my wife is not a drinker, but she does smoke. Last night when she went out for a smoke, I again thought how nice a beer and a butt would taste. I ate some candy instead :)
Have a great and sober day everyone,
Lee