There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.
– Terry Pratchett
My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. It’s for this reason that I can’t remember my grandpa’s funeral: I was only four. This is also why my grandma has meticulously avoided alcohol for over 20 years. If there’s anything to the rumours about alcoholism being influenced by heredity, I’m probably tagged.
My own consumption patterns change. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of several months having three or four drinks, three to five times a week. Sometimes I’ll restrict my consumption to social occasions. For about five months starting last December, in my quest to master the art of talking to strangers, my social life became two full-time jobs. I was constantly going out to social events, clubs, bars, museum parties, and everything in between. Despite temptation, I rarely drank.
Last month, I quit drinking alcohol again. I’d like to tell you that it was a struggle. I’d like to pretend that it’s almost impossible to stay sober at a social occasion where everyone else is burping bubbles. I’d like to imagine myself as more determined and disciplined than all the rest, and that’s what pulled me through.
But the truth is that I’m ruthlessly normal. And if you want to end your relationship with alcohol, right here, right now, It’s Not That Hard.
I’m guessing that most people who choose to quit drinking are not alcoholics. My intent is to offer here an action plan that anyone can apply, whether you’re nursing an addiction or just want to enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sobriety.
Why Stop Drinking?
The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced:
- Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people.
- Avoid the McPilgrimage. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy between the fast food industry and the liquor industry. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary.
- Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. And this doesn’t even count the time lost waiting for your brain to resolidify the morning after a night on the town.
- Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months.
- Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep.
You can probably think of other instantly gratifying benefits to life beyond the bottle. The important thing is to actually have a reason that is important enough to you.
Make It Priority Number One
Giving up alcohol is one of the easiest and hardest changes you can make in your life.
It’s easy once you’ve established the right rules, configured your environment to support you, and set up useful boundaries of pain and pleasure to help direct you towards your goal. The hard parts are the social implications and fighting off the One Man Army that is your ego, with its barrage of self-limiting beliefs and drink requests.
Giving up alcohol must be made priority number one in your life. A partial commitment is a commitment to failure. Even if you already don’t drink that often, it will be tempting to break your own rules when your friends call you up and invite you out. You’ve got to be willing to prioritize this decision in every situation where it’s relevant, even when that means Just Saying No to pub night.
It’s Not a Big Deal
Ever notice how some people act as though the end of their relationship is the end of the world? It’s as if there’s no point in living if they can’t be with that person any longer. Yet other people come along and date that person who left them, eventually break up with them, and see it as hardly more than a blip on the radar.
You may feel that it’s pretty easy to give up drinking. Or you may feel that it’s an addiction with a stranglehold on your life. Either way, there is no inherent magnitude to this task. It’s as big or as small as you make it.
No matter how much you want to tell yourself how hard it is, nobody’s ever going to claim that learned helplessness was the secret to their success. The most effective way forward is to not only make quitting drinking a top priority, but to think, talk, and act like it can be done.
Become the Impartial Spectator
Whether you view it as a spiritual separation, or merely conceptual, we all have more than one self. There’s the “Mmmmm…beeeer…” self, and the impartial spectator that can detach from and observe this desire.
Let the latter voice be your authority. You’re allowed to want a drink as much as you’re allowed to choose not to have one. There’s tremendous power in observing your thoughts as a third party. The impartial spectator can feel the heat without getting burned.
When in doubt, let it be there. No matter how bad the storm seems, it will pass.
Commit to 30 Days
If you’ve never done it before, it can be hard to think of giving up drinking forever. It’s discouraging to commit to permanent change, only to back out a few days or weeks into it. Some people will face social friction and lifestyle changes for which they’re unprepared.
But life is a laboratory. It’s an adventure that takes shape through hypothesis and experimentation, and most decisions can be reverted. When it comes to making big changes like this, live before you leap. Promise yourself that you will commit to this 100%, but only for 30 days, and see how it goes.
This is exactly what I did last month. I promised myself that November would be alcohol-free, and it was. Truth be told, I had a few drinks on day 31. But I broke the negative pattern that was creeping up on me and gained back the energy to spend on more important activities. And I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I can give up alcohol whenever I feel like, whenever it seems like the right thing to do.
Dump Your Existing Stash
Any goal that’s important to you is important enough to start on right now. My 30-day challenge to give up alcohol started at about 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten back from a post-nightclub McPilgrimage with some friends. I had a great time. I met lots of people. I even ended up dating a girl I met that night.
But I was really annoyed by how much I’d poured into me that night, at succumbing to the resulting Big Mac temptation, and at how much I was going to regret the hangover. As soon as I got home, the challenge was on. I had one last beer in my fridge, which I ceremoniously poured down the kitchen sink.
If you’re serious about doing this, get rid of your alcohol. If you’ve got $300 worth of spirits in your cabinet and you’re not yet sure if you want to empty it all down the drain, only to change your mind in 30 days, then store it at a friend’s place during your probation period. Preferably a friend that doesn’t drink.
Advertise Your Decision
I told most of my friends about what I was doing. Not only only does this add accountability to your goal, it also drops the hint that if your friends are planning on going out and getting wasted, you’re probably not interested.
Of course, you don’t have to avoid social situations where you’ll be the only one not drinking. I’ve gone out stone sober many times–even on my own–and met loads of people. Once you get used to social skydiving, you no longer need alcohol’s permission to talk to strangers and have a good time. You can get to that place by either getting hammered out of your face, or by learning to just not care what other people think. Frankly, the latter is way more fun.
Fire Your Drinking Buddies
Alcohol may be so tightly integrated into your social life that it seems almost impossible to go an entire weekend without drinking. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is that you like the same lagers, you might want to consider finding new friends.
I’ve let go of people in my social circle before and I know it’s not easy–but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. This might be the hardest thing you do in choosing a life without alcohol. The key is to remember that friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest into it. That includes choosing to associate only with people who are aligned with your purpose, while avoiding the energy vampires.
This is another benefit of a 30-day commitment. Instead of permanently downsizing your social life, you can choose to be busy only for the next few weeks. Observe how it affects you when you stop spending time with your beer buddies. Join a local user group for something you’re interested in to bring yourself into contact with people with whom you share more than just a bar tab.
Bribe Yourself
I haven’t used this specific technique for giving up alcohol, but I have used it with much success in bulldozing my way through a wall of social anxiety.
Associate massive pain to backing out. To create that pain, visit your nearest bank machine. Withdraw an amount of money that you’d feel uncomfortable losing. Give it to a friend you trust. Tell them that you get your money back if, and only if, you don’t have a drop of alcohol until your 30 days are up. You’ll be surprised at how even the most difficult tasks become doable when you associate massive pain to breaking your own rules. Money can be a great way to make it hurt. If you can think of an even better form of self-bribery, go for it.
The stronger you feel that alcohol is a part of your life, the more of these techniques you may want to apply. My most recent alcohol-free challenge didn’t require bribery or letting go of any friends. But I did find it extremely useful to limit the challenge to 30 days, to give myself permission to live the lifestyle before leaping to a permanent decision.
I also think that making this a top priority is key, no matter what your current consumption habits. It’s so easy to let yourself slip for just one night, and then feel guilty about breaching your own contract later on.
Thanks, everyone for all the supportive comments.
I dumped the last 4 beers down the drain (it was hard to do) and I am sitting here while my wife smokes outside. I don’t feel as bad as I did this morning. Just trying to get right back on the ABS train and resist the temptations I always have.
I’m going for a long run tomorrow and looking forward to it very much. Running with a hangover sucks (I’ve done it MANY times) and I’d like to think that those days are behind me.
Stay strong,
Lee
Day # 39 and HAPPY! Actually watched two movies tonight and didn’t fall asleep drunk! WOW! Been a while since doing that! One day at a time folks! Asking God every single day to help me resist alcohol. For what you ask for ye shall receive. You nor I can resist alcohol on our own strength, maybe for a while but no for the long haul. I know what one beer leads to which is many beers and a wasted life! That is not in his plans for me! For I am to enjoy life and enjoy it to the fullest!
Kimie
“Lifestyle Change in Process”
Cricket-Do you have any idea how much some of looked forward to your daily check in? Your discussion about your family, kids, painting, this, that…Please give us an update. PLEASE….
Kimie-I am so happy for you and I feel the joy that you reflect and the strength that you have found. 39 Days seems to others to be such a short time but for us it is perseverance, persistence and a new found faith. Good for you.
Lee-You threw out the beer. This isn’t the first time. You are determined. Keep resisting. It will happen.
++In Az-Four days seems like a life time. Three days… the stuff is pretty gone. We feel good. Why not just have one? It’s just like another dress rehearsal. Four might be your lucky #.
Boots, KRR,Val-This is the place to be.Wonderful people here. Welcome..Welcome back.
I have been and will always be a Caregiver just like you. It is part of who I am. I am thankful that I have been given this gift. Who will look after them?
Super Bowl Sunday- While I was at the airport mj I saw your post regarding avacados. I did some research and found they were sent to the wrong island. They should be arriving in the AM. I am also going to dig out a couple of vinyl records, “Who” Meaty, Beaty, Big and Bouncy..(close)..and I think ‘Tommy” I, II can’t remember. Thanks. Pos In AZ for brining the Key Lime Pie..
Is Cybelle around? She makes a great hostess. RR and johan have the pit and other refreshments covered and Carol will be the MC. I saw Hippie Chick post a while back. Gonna come Hippie? To say Hello..Key will be here..Everyone come join
us for SOBIE SUPER BOWL…
Love to all,
Peppermint
Peppermint, you are my hero! No wonder Schroeder liked you so much!!!!
I see some typos-sorry..like avocado..Long week..Well you No..know.. I can’t type..Busy making avocado dip for the party. Expecting a big crowd.
++in AZ-Thanks. Tell me more about Schroeder?
Sorry Think ++++ YEAH Yeah Yeah Like in the cartoon…………See you at the party…………..
GRAYSON-U2?
I’m just thinking…I know the name of the site is 30 sleeps, but for some of us, is it better and more achievable to do it in smaller bites? Like – 5 sleeps. Then another set of five. And so on? Just some idle ponderings.
I’m a little tired to do much more than say hello tonight, I worked night shift last night. It was Saturday so super busy.
Here’s a link to an article you might find interesting. I did, and not for what the woman had done. I found it interesting for what she has become.
She is a 71 year old grandmother who has been sentenced to two years in jail for running down and killing a cyclist while she was drunk.
He was a young man with a new baby and a lovely wife – a wife who had already been widowed once before.
Really worth reading and then thinking about.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/sunday-star-times/opinion/3300362/Tragedy-opens-curtains-on-a-middle-class-downfall
I just read my last post and I think I sounded bossy. I didn’t mean to…sorry :-(
Just sleeeepy. Almost had a wine tonight. Didn’t. Too tired to wonder why.
See you in the morning :-)
The only thing I can guarantee about the big games is it’ll be the first sober Super Bowl of my adult life!
Annie:: the article sounds very powerful (and a bit scary) but look forward to reading it. Thx.
Johnny:: welcome and your question ‘if you’re a single 30something guy, what do you do at night’? That’s always a tough one – but for starters you’ll be the immediate beneficiary of an amazing block of clarity and new found time ‘just for yourself’. It will jump start your journey for the answer.
KRR:: Welcome as well, congrats on the two weeks and think Key summed up your question (on friend priorities) perfectly.
Peppermint:: Love the description ‘Sobie Super Bowl’ and (whew) thanks for the project management follow up on the avocadoes. Digging into The Who library, I’ll definitely bring a copy of ‘We don’t get fooled again’.
Hi Cricket:: you gonna stop by the SSB? Nice to see you around and we’ll have to talk more ‘bout righting that slight warble in the ship.
Mara:: glad you still here too and way to push on beyond the big 3-0.
DryHeat:: Thanks for honest details and so glad for you being in such a better place. Keep up that focus…the one that’s on you!
johan:: did you see who dropped by? Johanology lives!
RRRat:: quality post in content, insight, advice and as undisputed champion of the island, word count:) And great to hear your news about Mom stabilizing.
Stay.
Gemini:: I’ve never been able to imagine not having spousal support through a serious quit. Parallel universes revolving around drinking is a tough road. I hope a little synchronicity creeps into your situation soon and all the best in working towards that.
Day 2 here.
I woke up clearheaded and without that nasty stale cigarette/beer taste in my mouth. I always sleep so much better when not drinking. I have to try to remember this when the urge to drink overcomes me.
Regarding spousal support….it’s weird, but my wife, who doesn’t drink, but smokes (2-3 each night) is not as supportive as she could be. When I tell her my plans to stop drinking, she says things like, “we’ll see how long that lasts”. I guess in a way I don;t blame her. I have announced that I have quit countless times only to go back to drinking after a few days. So my track record is tainted to say the least. I guess I just wish she would be more encouraging when I try to quit. But then again this is my struggle and I am the only person who can stop my drinking.
Well, I am off for a run in the cold and snow.
Peace,
Lee
Good Morning, Happy Sunday to you all. Have to share my milestone. Today is 180 days, six months! Kind of funny is happens to be Super Bowl Sunday:) Not drinking is such a blessing. Yes it was hard at first, but you know what, it gets easier. Anyone that is struggling hang on. Take it one day at a time. That is what my plan is. Find a new habit and wake up and see life with clear eyes and new found happiness. The hardest thing for me was dealing with stress without turning to drinking. Now it feels so darn good to face stress head on stone sober. And you know what, drinking made every stress worse and did not solve a darn thing! Moving forward and looking forward to lifes ups and downs one sober day at a time.
Wishing you all support and love.
Booboo – Congratulations on 180 days. Wow, that is an amazing accomplishment. I hope to be there too one day. I also have a hard time dealing with stress without drinking. I’m glad to hear that it gets easier with time.
Thanks for you post..you are an inspiration for me and others like me.
Lee
Booboo – Congrats on day 180! That is so awesome! I love what you said about tackling stress sober! It really makes it easier than medicating yourself! Glad to hear you say it get’s easier as we go too! Appreciate you being on the island!
Kimie
Lifestlye Change In Process!
Good article Annie. Thanks. What a tragedy. Those of us doing this may actually be saving ourselves from a similar fate. Gets one thinking. You’re right about the smaller bites. Of course life coaches of all sorts advocate setting goals with achievable smaller steps but I guess Brad’s point is to set a lofty goal, one that may actually help a person overcome a habit. I wonder how many of us use to set the smaller goals of 1,2, 5, &/or 10 days before we ever Googled this site? I know I use to go through a ritual of talking myself out of drinking for 2-3 days because it was easy for me to miss one day, after a night of indulgences. Funny, you didn’t sound bossy to me. You must be tired. See you after your beauty rest : )
Mj, 1st sober makes this the most “Super” Bowl ever for you. Hopefully the game lives up to it for you! Yes, that was another lofty post last night… Glad I didn’t let you down : )
Lee, my wife had stopped believing me also at one point. Even after some successful 30 day stretches under my belt and a good year of significantly cutting down she was still very jaded when it came to my problem. Now, she’s very proud of my efforts, but even with that, the years of remembering stir up doubt in her, no doubt, and I still find her less supportive than desirable. Time is the healer. Just as a side note, she occasionally suggests wine or a drink for me…because she thinks I deserve it. She means well. I’m lucky she stuck through all the difficulties and am hopeful I can enrich her life as a sober man. Keep working on it…she notices your efforts. Enjoy your run! I’m going to walk the pooches in our fresh snow fall.
Booboo, so nice hearing from you. Way to go on 180…you rock!! Hey, I’m still only 99 days behind you : ) Thanks for your encouragement.
Happy Sober Sunday all. I’ll check in later, before the big game. Good luck and Island Strength to those of you Renaissance people going out into testing circumstances. Stand unwavering, secure, confident, that you are above the vice that destroys so many lives, as Annie’s referenced article demonstrates. Trust me, there are many envious people who wish they had the strength you do to take control back.
I’ll be thinking of you. For those of us meeting at the Tikki lounge, well, Johan’s pit has just been prepped. It’s going to be a party, but, for us, it won’t be like the old Tom Paxton’s football tragedy.
OMG, you are all going to laugh… I think I just found out why Brad went with the number 30 as I referenced this old tune. I’m pasting it here for you. It adds the needed length to my post (just for you Mj) and points out the flaws of excess.
Wasn’t That A Party
–By Tom Paxton
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don’t know, but look at the mess I’m in,
My head is like a football, I think I’m gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn’t that a party?
Someone took a grapefruit and wore it like a hat,
I saw someone under my kitchen table, talking to my old tom cat,
They were talking about hockey and the cat was talkin’ back,
Along about then everything went black,
But wasn’t that a party?
I’m sure it’s just my memory playin’ tricks on me,
But I think I saw my buddy cuttin’ down my neighbour’s tree,
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don’t know, but look at the mess I’m in,
My head is like a football, I think I’m gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn’t that a party?
Old Billy Joe and Tommy, well they went a little far,
They were sitting in my backyard blowing on the siren in somebody’s police car.
So you see, your honour,
It was all in fun,
That little bitty track meet down on main street,
Was just to see if the cops could run,
Well, they run us in to see you,
In an alcoholic haze,
I can sure use those “THIRTY DAYS” to recover from the party.
Could have been the whiskey, might have been the gin.
Could have been three or four six-packs,
I don’t know, but look at the mess I’m in,
My head is like a football, I think I’m gonna die,
Tell me, me oh me oh my,
Wasn’t that a party?
RRR
Hi Lee & others who have Do Overs; remember when we were learning to write? first we had to learn how to hold a crayon -> pencil then scribble->make shapes->forms resembling letters then OMG! our name! well living without our addictive substance(s) with an addictive personality and genetic component is as hard I think as learning an entirely new task like writing when one is 4 years old
do we fuss at children who attempt and work so hard? no we say good try! Well Islanders we know what we want from ourselves and we will do it Over again and again Good Try! – count if you want or don’t count just work the process and Keep On Keeping On
those who do not feel supported by our mates or companions? how many times did we disappoint them? come to the Island where we love and support each other and we help each other learn to love and support OURSELVES – that is what we need to do – if we continue to look for support from outside ourselves we continue to be needy and are vulnerable to the demon alcohol who feeds on needy vulnerable people
Sober Super Bowl Sunday Islanders – see you at the TWIT!! STAY Love carol xoxoxo
Thanks for your motivational post, Carol.
River Rat–you’re always so compassionate. Thanks for being there.
And to us “Do Overs”–we’ll get it right.
Hello everyone…
Day 1 again…..
TW
Hi TW, just in time to mutually support some others who are starting back. Glad you’re here.
Good to have you TW – just in time for the Bowl party
Maire, is that your dog? and is the shore in Ireland? – I am so pumped about my soon to come trip to Ireland – my maiden name is McMahon and all my life I have felt close to Irish stuff and the old country so now I am especially excited to be there soon
STAY love, carol xoxoxo
Damn, I’m back. This time, I’m really feeling much better about all of this, been 3 weeks. I’ve been back and forth with off for a week, a month, more and then back to getting really trashed regularly and it’s not the life I want to live anymore. Plus, stopping the drinking helps to trim down a few pounds too (anyone else see that also) But yeah it’s time to really see about 6mo. instead of four weeks. Maybe by then, I won’t give a !@#$ anymore and things will be mellow and easy.
Anyone with feedback on that idea?
Thanks and take car.
River Rat- thank you for the post links, very kind of you. I guess I needed that welcome back.
Peppermint- You are sweet to want an update- how are you?
MJ- What??? Warble in the ship?
Gemini- I understand not having spousal support, one of the reasons I have excused myself to drink. I wish I had more to say that was helpful to you, but please know you are not alone.
I’m doing good got through day 2. I had a moment that I thought I would fail and decided to just eat whatever was fast and easy to get too. Eating really does help my blood sugar drops quickly and I feel like I have to eat all the time. But whatever works right and I must have lots of chocolate nearby. I feel good knowing i will wake up hang over free. I really do have spouse support my husband does not drink the problem is I am afraid of my own failure to yet confide in him about what I am trying to do. So I figure if I can do this for a week then I can share my progress with him. If I can do this for 7 days I will be very proud of myself!
Thank you all for your support.
Boo Boo – great job on 180 days!!! The choice is clear and the results are great.
Congratulations – So happy for you, I wish you all the best!
with lots of love
Scout
Thanks River Rat….on the first day, did anyone feel itchy? Maybe it’s just me…cold weather and 30 inches of snow outside..
TW – I feel itchy EVERY day….LOL. Just be strong and think about why you have decided to stop drinking.
Peace,
Lee
Hi all,
This is great! I am gonna try it. Today is my first day :)
Van
Good for you, Van. I’m finishing my 2nd day and feeling better already :)