Update (Sep 4, 2010): Due to the overwhelming, and ongoing popularity of this post (over 22,000 comments and counting!), I’ve recently started working on a new tool to make tracking and sharing your progress quitting drinking a whole lot easier and more fun.
It’s called Quitfest. Please feel free to check it out!
There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.
– Terry Pratchett
My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. It’s for this reason that I can’t remember my grandpa’s funeral: I was only four. This is also why my grandma has meticulously avoided alcohol for over 20 years. If there’s anything to the rumours about alcoholism being influenced by heredity, I’m probably tagged.
My own consumption patterns change. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of several months having three or four drinks, three to five times a week. Sometimes I’ll restrict my consumption to social occasions. For about five months starting last December, in my quest to master the art of talking to strangers, my social life became two full-time jobs. I was constantly going out to social events, clubs, bars, museum parties, and everything in between. Despite temptation, I rarely drank.
Last month, I quit drinking alcohol again. I’d like to tell you that it was a struggle. I’d like to pretend that it’s almost impossible to stay sober at a social occasion where everyone else is burping bubbles. I’d like to imagine myself as more determined and disciplined than all the rest, and that’s what pulled me through.
But the truth is that I’m ruthlessly normal. And if you want to end your relationship with alcohol, right here, right now, It’s Not That Hard.
I’m guessing that most people who choose to quit drinking are not alcoholics. My intent is to offer here an action plan that anyone can apply, whether you’re nursing an addiction or just want to enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sobriety.
Why Stop Drinking?
The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced:
- Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people.
- Avoid the McPilgrimage. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy between the fast food industry and the liquor industry. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary.
- Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. And this doesn’t even count the time lost waiting for your brain to resolidify the morning after a night on the town.
- Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months.
- Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep.
You can probably think of other instantly gratifying benefits to life beyond the bottle. The important thing is to actually have a reason that is important enough to you.
Make It Priority Number One
Giving up alcohol is one of the easiest and hardest changes you can make in your life.
It’s easy once you’ve established the right rules, configured your environment to support you, and set up useful boundaries of pain and pleasure to help direct you towards your goal. The hard parts are the social implications and fighting off the One Man Army that is your ego, with its barrage of self-limiting beliefs and drink requests.
Giving up alcohol must be made priority number one in your life. A partial commitment is a commitment to failure. Even if you already don’t drink that often, it will be tempting to break your own rules when your friends call you up and invite you out. You’ve got to be willing to prioritize this decision in every situation where it’s relevant, even when that means Just Saying No to pub night.
It’s Not a Big Deal
Ever notice how some people act as though the end of their relationship is the end of the world? It’s as if there’s no point in living if they can’t be with that person any longer. Yet other people come along and date that person who left them, eventually break up with them, and see it as hardly more than a blip on the radar.
You may feel that it’s pretty easy to give up drinking. Or you may feel that it’s an addiction with a stranglehold on your life. Either way, there is no inherent magnitude to this task. It’s as big or as small as you make it.
No matter how much you want to tell yourself how hard it is, nobody’s ever going to claim that learned helplessness was the secret to their success. The most effective way forward is to not only make quitting drinking a top priority, but to think, talk, and act like it can be done.
Become the Impartial Spectator
Whether you view it as a spiritual separation, or merely conceptual, we all have more than one self. There’s the “Mmmmm…beeeer…” self, and the impartial spectator that can detach from and observe this desire.
Let the latter voice be your authority. You’re allowed to want a drink as much as you’re allowed to choose not to have one. There’s tremendous power in observing your thoughts as a third party. The impartial spectator can feel the heat without getting burned.
When in doubt, let it be there. No matter how bad the storm seems, it will pass.
Commit to 30 Days
If you’ve never done it before, it can be hard to think of giving up drinking forever. It’s discouraging to commit to permanent change, only to back out a few days or weeks into it. Some people will face social friction and lifestyle changes for which they’re unprepared.
But life is a laboratory. It’s an adventure that takes shape through hypothesis and experimentation, and most decisions can be reverted. When it comes to making big changes like this, live before you leap. Promise yourself that you will commit to this 100%, but only for 30 days, and see how it goes.
This is exactly what I did last month. I promised myself that November would be alcohol-free, and it was. Truth be told, I had a few drinks on day 31. But I broke the negative pattern that was creeping up on me and gained back the energy to spend on more important activities. And I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I can give up alcohol whenever I feel like, whenever it seems like the right thing to do.
Dump Your Existing Stash
Any goal that’s important to you is important enough to start on right now. My 30-day challenge to give up alcohol started at about 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten back from a post-nightclub McPilgrimage with some friends. I had a great time. I met lots of people. I even ended up dating a girl I met that night.
But I was really annoyed by how much I’d poured into me that night, at succumbing to the resulting Big Mac temptation, and at how much I was going to regret the hangover. As soon as I got home, the challenge was on. I had one last beer in my fridge, which I ceremoniously poured down the kitchen sink.
If you’re serious about doing this, get rid of your alcohol. If you’ve got $300 worth of spirits in your cabinet and you’re not yet sure if you want to empty it all down the drain, only to change your mind in 30 days, then store it at a friend’s place during your probation period. Preferably a friend that doesn’t drink.
Advertise Your Decision
I told most of my friends about what I was doing. Not only only does this add accountability to your goal, it also drops the hint that if your friends are planning on going out and getting wasted, you’re probably not interested.
Of course, you don’t have to avoid social situations where you’ll be the only one not drinking. I’ve gone out stone sober many times–even on my own–and met loads of people. Once you get used to social skydiving, you no longer need alcohol’s permission to talk to strangers and have a good time. You can get to that place by either getting hammered out of your face, or by learning to just not care what other people think. Frankly, the latter is way more fun.
Fire Your Drinking Buddies
Alcohol may be so tightly integrated into your social life that it seems almost impossible to go an entire weekend without drinking. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is that you like the same lagers, you might want to consider finding new friends.
I’ve let go of people in my social circle before and I know it’s not easy–but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. This might be the hardest thing you do in choosing a life without alcohol. The key is to remember that friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest into it. That includes choosing to associate only with people who are aligned with your purpose, while avoiding the energy vampires.
This is another benefit of a 30-day commitment. Instead of permanently downsizing your social life, you can choose to be busy only for the next few weeks. Observe how it affects you when you stop spending time with your beer buddies. Join a local user group for something you’re interested in to bring yourself into contact with people with whom you share more than just a bar tab.
Bribe Yourself
I haven’t used this specific technique for giving up alcohol, but I have used it with much success in bulldozing my way through a wall of social anxiety.
Associate massive pain to backing out. To create that pain, visit your nearest bank machine. Withdraw an amount of money that you’d feel uncomfortable losing. Give it to a friend you trust. Tell them that you get your money back if, and only if, you don’t have a drop of alcohol until your 30 days are up. You’ll be surprised at how even the most difficult tasks become doable when you associate massive pain to breaking your own rules. Money can be a great way to make it hurt. If you can think of an even better form of self-bribery, go for it.
The stronger you feel that alcohol is a part of your life, the more of these techniques you may want to apply. My most recent alcohol-free challenge didn’t require bribery or letting go of any friends. But I did find it extremely useful to limit the challenge to 30 days, to give myself permission to live the lifestyle before leaping to a permanent decision.
I also think that making this a top priority is key, no matter what your current consumption habits. It’s so easy to let yourself slip for just one night, and then feel guilty about breaching your own contract later on.
stopdrinkingalcohol.com is a great website. Click on all the tabs and read. It’s great.
I really like that W.O.W acronym- thanks- everytime I go to the store I have another opportunity to “WOW” myself. Nice thought!
20 days. I can’t wait until tomorrow when I can say 3 weeks!
Day 1 (again). I’ve been hovering and reading during the 3 weeks I’ve been off the island. Needed a little time to try and regroup in hopes I can make it past day 4 this time. I’m committed to 30 days. Between now and then, I want to find a permanent path. For now, it is just going to have to be day by day though.
Why day 4 is a problem for me, I can’t figure out but it always has been (3 times). I suppose I start feeling so good, I lose focus. It isn’t confidence, I’m sure I can never drink moderately and have known that for years. It’s just letting my guard down a tiny bit and boom! I have a few new tools ready for the battle this time. I’ll let you know if they work.
I’m ready and very glad you are all here!
Hey George, I was wondering how you were going. Day 6 here. Night shift brain so can’t string a sentence together but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.
Well made it thru the day. Now is the time I like my wine, with dinner. Then I drink a glass when I do the dishes.
River Rat-
Nice job this weekend. I am sure your wife and friends had a nice relaxing evening and did not have to worry about the drive home. Good work, friend.
Welcome back to those who are returning and hello to you who have days, weeks, months and years of success.
If you make it three days and stumble on the fourth be proud. It might take more than a few times to get it right. We are all unique and have our own private challenges. The fact that we acknowledge that we have a problem is a major step in the journey. Don’t ever, ever, ever, give up.
Love,
Peppermint
Made it thru dinner, now doing some work…rest of time before bed. I was saying this was day six, but only end of day five….
I will re-post that it takes 3 days for your body to become alcohol free. That’s why day 4 and 5 are hard. Try and make sure those days don’t hit on a weekend.
3 weeks tomorrow!!!
hi everyone! how are you all doing?
day 8 over for me =]
Nj, good job on day 9!! Clarity will return. You should be noticing it already.
Key, thanks for the link. Good site. enjoying it… Yahoo on 3 weeks. good for you.
Thanks Peppermint, for the encouragement, and you’re so correct on the never quit quitting. That’s the key.
Tw, you’re doing good. I know it’s a battle. I wish it wasn’t so but it is. It does get easier eventually but it’s overcoming those daily habits initially that take the effort…wine with cooking, stopping at the beer store on the way home…beer with bbq…drinks with friends…etc.
Elizabeth, nice hearing from you.
Jeanne1, at least you’re still fighting it…keep it up.
I’m finding my relationship with my wife difficult these days. She is sure not feeling like a support right now, almost feel like she’s pushing me to drink. I will not let that happen but it’s there…in my head. I’m wondering if she does miss a certain side of me that was only present when drinking. I know I was certainly more animated and perhaps appeared happier at times. I think I seem more boring now as I’m more serious, less impulsive, and I don’t enjoy going out to socialize with a lot of our friends anymore. I have to say, some of them were way more fun when I was drinking. Yikes. I have to come to terms with this. I am willing to get some marriage counsel and think I have to do this quickly. I’m glad I’m sober though. She sure hasn’t got as much to knock me with anymore. Maybe that’s bugging her…I”m not as easy to pin down in an argument anymore. I hope I’m wrong.
Anyway, enough of this. Thanks for letting me vent.
Take care Island friends.
RR
hey cricket, you out there. Tough times for alot.
thanks for your kind words RR. I agee with you. When I drink, I am a happy drunk and social. I am just the opposite not drinking.
Today is day 1 for me and the house is dry, I’ve been alcohol free all day and I’m on my way to sleep
I forgot to mention how good it feels to be sober even it has only been 1 day. I’ve been reading posts all week and made u¶ in my mind to start sobering up today and I did it!
Way to go Kiki. Yes, reading the posts can be motivating, but also very enlightening.
Welcome.
I soo wanted a drink last night, but knew once I had one, it would lead to another and another. Hubby still in his moody, silent phase and I’m feeling overwhelmed with the amount of work I need to accomplish. I had tea instead, read everyone’s posts and went to bed! At least today I don’t have the physical and emotional hang over!
Key, I think you were the one that posted about emotional hangovers and I so relate to that.
Thanks everyone!
River RRM- I know so well of what you are talking about..When convenient; they like the drunken’ outgoing side of us. Probably not the proper choice of words, but I know exactly what you are saying and she is a lovely person, but she is looking for the old you, who is funny and vivacious and la dee dah when we drink and they forget that we go overboard…and then they are mad….again…and they forget…. that we humiliate them in public…….and then we do..,,,..it….. over and over again…
Sooo..just don’t drink and hope that they accept us for our quiet self who is trying to figure out who are again..
With much love and understanding,
Peppermint
I actually just started day 6 which is exciting!! One day at a time for me….
I’ve had a moment everyday telling myself a few beers won’t hurt….
I’m starting to like the way I feel but right now I haven’t been around anyone who drinks… that will be the real challenge
So great to read posts about other people that relate to what I’m going through
Good Morning All,
Beginning of day 6 here. Drinking my first cup of coffee, before getting started for a new day. Hope everyone is doing well. I am still feeling tired and hopefully that will pass. I started to take my vitamins again , which I stopped completely.
Congrats to everyone who is at day one. You can do it.
Judy-I posted about emotional hangovers and how they were either going to kill me or make me jump off a bridge. How awful! Man, I’ve never felt so badly! I think lots of folks on here can relate. Glad those are gone, but I get a little one when I smoke so I should probably quit that as well. It’s on the way out.
River Rat–guess you have to decide who you like and who you don’t. There are people I ONLY hang out with to drink. And I don’t like them at all sober. Weird huh?
Hang in there all! Three weeks one day at a time.
Thanks RiverRat, Yes, I am feeling more clarity, but I know there is more to discover (which is exciting to me at this point). I can relate to what you said about your wife maybe missing a certain side of you. My husband is a drinker, and I’m wondering (paranoid?) that he might find me boring as my non-drinking self. He has been silently supportive (and I even see him cutting down slightly himself), but still I wonder how our relationship will be with no (or less–not ready to say forever) drinking. But you know what, I realize that’s no reason to not pursue sobriety. Gotta pursue the positive and see how it goes from there.
Val–I think I can relate to your comment about losing focus. In the past, and this time quitting (for 30 days right now), I’ve relaxed and eased up on myself after about a week (after the bad memories fade). This time around, I’m approaching it like working out a muscle. Keep working the muscle of not drinking, and I think the resolve will get stronger.
Have a great day everyone. Beautiful spring day where I am!
Dear River Rat,
I think this is a really important crossroads here that you are recognizing. And first, you might take a moment to be grateful that you are more aware of Mrs RR’s moods, working to be insightful and thoughtful about them, and mustering the energy for counseling which can sometimes add light years to a relationship that has a strong foundation. Remember that even if we might have been able to discern these things before, we might have chosen to drink away the discomfort of them. Experiencing this discomfort and the struggle to both understand what’s happening and do something about it are all gifts of change.
I mostly wanted to write to say that I also experienced some shifts in my relationship with my partner over time. Most every shift was in an readily identifiable positive direction – so obvious, we all know. At the top of the list is, at least I think so, honesty. Sneaking alcohol seems a manifestation of a zillion layers of disconnect from the one who trusts us to live with him/her a life of companionship and respect.
But there were some hard to understand, more complex, shifts that meander into the territory of loss. And here’s where Mrs. RR might be. My partner and I have had some very open and sometimes difficult discussions about the complexity of these feelings and we couldn’t have them for a long while. I quit drinking in January of ‘09 and this intricate balance is still a tender place for me; either easily bruised or in other ways fragile.
One thing my partner loves more than anything else is a good meal in a restaurant with particular ambience and a good glass of wine. Me too. But, alas, not to be. This is an experience we have shared many many many times in the states and in Europe. Talking about the wine we are drinking, the meal, the moment of sitting back and enjoying each other’s company with the wine glass held in hand – the wine slows down the moment and appears to hold the experience and lets it linger. Loss. No more. When she has the good glass of wine and I’m drinking a glass of seltzer – truth be known – I am still experiencing a moment of my own which is disappointment – and she is feeling, in a strange way, alone. We both know this is going to happen – and it lasts but a split minute or two – and then we move into enjoying the evening. But, something has disappeared. Going to a bar and having a few beers (or too many, as usual) to watch a game – enjoying the whole atmosphere… gone. Drinking a diet coke with the other person holding a beer – and everyone else in that “we’re drinking (even if responsibly) and we’re together doing it and we all know it” means the coke drinker is sitting slightly outside the circle of the community of the moment.
And so, while these are tiny slices of outsider-ness, I think they point in the direction of an understanding of the disconnect that arises between couples when one stops drinking. I don’t know what it’s like when one stops and the other is an alcoholic and doesn’t stop – that has whole layers of difficulty that I am sympathetic to but don’t live first hand. Either way, it is as if one person decided to step outside of a community, an agreement (we’re all drinking and it’s ok agreement), and a series of events or traditions that held this sense of community and agreement as a key element of inclusion.
When you step outside of a community/agreement, it’s a real process to figure out how to remain an honorary member of the community. It means that the community has to reach out a bit to hold hands with you. It means that the community needs to understand the exact agreement that holds them together in order to allow you to step outside, yet remain an intact member.
In that respect, counseling might be the best thing for us. To help us understand and appreciate the sorrow at their loss – I really do appreciate that my partner had no decision making element to my drinking, drinking too much, nor quitting. And so, at the same time, I need to go the distance in reaching out to her because this is something I brought to the relationship. And, to help our partners really embrace the courage we are asking of ourselves, the loss we are experiencing, the brave steps we are taking – and take each time we move back into the realm of a community with which we no longer hold the same kind of agreement. From my experience, this isn’t easy. And I dearly love my partner and she loves me. We respect each other enormously and intend with all kinds of effort and grace to live our lives to the end together. But this one, while blessed with a zillion positives, absolutely is imbued with loss that needs to be put on the table. it doesn’t even mean that having put it on the table that I know what to do with it. I am just grateful that it now has landed, too, in that place I mentioned earlier – that other agreement – the one in which we place so much trust when we decide to connect deeply with another person…to live a life of companionship and respect.
Having read your posts over the course of my own year+ and reading before I had logged in my own first post, I have always appreciated your overt kindness, your gracious reaching out, your words of encouragement. These talents for making warm connection will come with you wherever you go; I know you will find a way to see all this more clearly and with find peace in embracing the discomfort that comes when we really care and stick with growing. I send my love and gratitude to you RR; one thing to remember when things get rocky – you’re still doing the right thing fundamentally, we just need to learn how to live it slightly differently. Far better to learn new tricks than live a life dull with the ones we knew were stealing from the relationship. Drinking when we knew we shouldn’t at the top of the heap…
love love love
Scout
wow Scout…how did you do that? That’s awesome. I married a drinking buddy and it nearly broke us up because of the relentlessness with which we would fight if we were drunk. I got pregnant and, of course, quit drinking. He quit too and we tried to make it work, but the deciding moment was when he decided he wanted to drink again. I left. I knew what life would be and my son deserved better. Drinking was an integral part of our relationship. We were young and immature and did not have years of love to build upon. Best to you and RR.
Scout thank you for that…. it hit home on so many levels, even though I don’t have sober days in a row at this time. Thank you…no wonder it was so much easier single during a sober 7 years.
rr….. Scout hit’s it on the head about kind and thoughtful posts. Change is complicated in a relationship. I admire your stay power, with love attached to it.
Key keep it up. I can say that I have not been drunk in over a month. But little slips with dinners out, or dinners with others keeps my numbers down. I am proud to say no sneaking or drinking alone in a long time. I hadn’t really realized how intertwined my husbands and my relationship is with wine. We make it, enjoy reading about it.ect… We don’t quite know what to do with each other when I’m sober when we are out.
Lee way to keep it up.
Johan hope all is well….
Carol enjoying life in europe I hope… Ireland I think.
j
Annie- thanks for asking. I’m strugling a bit.Back to day one again. It seemed so easy at first. I’ll read through everyones’ posts soon and try to send out more to you all.
I found a lovely golden retreiver/lab last night and was up until about 1:30 am putting up posters to try to find the owner.
I had a big long post up last night but forgot to send and my internet connection was lost and so was the post.
Gotta lotta crap goin on right now, don’t want to drink it worse. I havent really boozed it up but I have had a few and I feel like crap for it.
Oh well…I’m strappin’ up my boots right now to hit it head on.
Her we go
Have a Great Day
G
yesterday was my fourth 4th day in the last 16 days i feel so sick during the first 3 days and when i feel better i fall down and start again with a bender that leaves my hungover the next day and withdrawing the 2 days after that. im so tired of feeling sick. mabey these next 4 days ill make it
Hey folks, still around and reading every post daily.
RRat – Just wanted to add my two cents on your eariler post. My observation is that you seem to be doing a lot of speculating about what your wife is thinking; maybe you should just ask her. You sound like you have a great relationship and let’s face it, men have not been known to be able to accurately understand what women are thinking most of the time. I also believe that a healthy, caring, attentive, boring, and sober RRat, is not all that bad. If counseling is the answer then by all means go for it!
Relationships are funny, mine is no exception. I don’t know how many arguments we have had in the past which included comments about me drinking too much. Now that I don’t drink, that can’t be thrown in my face during the same old arguments. (In fact, the last few arguments have been when she has had a few glasses of wine, and no, I don’t use that “have another drink” line) I am working at being a better person, we can’t always be perfect to others no matter what we do, but if I am not going to be perfect, at least I am doing it sober.
Scout – nice post, and nice relationship work between you and your partner! It’s not easy!
Key – NICE GOING ON 3 WEEKS! Keep going, you have the momentum now!!!
Jeanne – hang in there and get some more days strung together.
Peppermint – you are looking well!!!
ACH – welcome! Nice start, keep it going, it gets easier soon.
For all those I didn’t have time to address, you are still in my thoughts, just having some time issues.
Feeling really discouraged today. Hubby and I are in need of jobs and it seems like the doors just keep slamming in our face. It feels like alcohol would solve everything but, i know it won’t but, it would sure take my mind off this. this sucks