Update (Sep 4, 2010): Due to the overwhelming, and ongoing popularity of this post (over 22,000 comments and counting!), I’ve recently started working on a new tool to make tracking and sharing your progress quitting drinking a whole lot easier and more fun.
It’s called Quitfest. Please feel free to check it out!
There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them.
– Terry Pratchett
My maternal grandparents were both alcoholics. It’s for this reason that I can’t remember my grandpa’s funeral: I was only four. This is also why my grandma has meticulously avoided alcohol for over 20 years. If there’s anything to the rumours about alcoholism being influenced by heredity, I’m probably tagged.
My own consumption patterns change. Sometimes I’ll go through periods of several months having three or four drinks, three to five times a week. Sometimes I’ll restrict my consumption to social occasions. For about five months starting last December, in my quest to master the art of talking to strangers, my social life became two full-time jobs. I was constantly going out to social events, clubs, bars, museum parties, and everything in between. Despite temptation, I rarely drank.
Last month, I quit drinking alcohol again. I’d like to tell you that it was a struggle. I’d like to pretend that it’s almost impossible to stay sober at a social occasion where everyone else is burping bubbles. I’d like to imagine myself as more determined and disciplined than all the rest, and that’s what pulled me through.
But the truth is that I’m ruthlessly normal. And if you want to end your relationship with alcohol, right here, right now, It’s Not That Hard.
I’m guessing that most people who choose to quit drinking are not alcoholics. My intent is to offer here an action plan that anyone can apply, whether you’re nursing an addiction or just want to enjoy the benefits of uninterrupted sobriety.
Why Stop Drinking?
The long-term effects of bad habits are rarely sufficient to motivate people to change their lives. The near-term benefits of giving up alcohol are much more useful and interesting anyway. Here are the changes I experienced:
- Productive socializing. Talking to strangers is a great way to build character, but its benefits are greatly reduced when you’re drunk. The alcohol represses much of the social anxiety, which inhibits lasting change. But the only thing more terrifyingly fun than getting drunk and meeting a bunch of new people is staying sober and meeting a bunch of new people.
- Avoid the McPilgrimage. Clearly, there’s a conspiracy between the fast food industry and the liquor industry. Free will collapses under the weight of insobriety and convenience. With enough alcohol in your system, even the most wretched burger joint becomes an irresistible sanctuary.
- Reclaim lost time. Let’s say you have a few drinks around the house, three times a week, and that light touch of drunkenness costs you three hours of productive thinking each time. Within one year, you’ll have shaved about one full month off your life. That’s a lot of lost CPU time that could have been put towards reading a book, writing a speech, playing a sport, or even starting a business. And this doesn’t even count the time lost waiting for your brain to resolidify the morning after a night on the town.
- Get rich quickly. You don’t have to party that hard to spend $100-$150/week or more on alcohol and related expenses. If you quit drinking today, you could reasonably expect to convert that choice into a bankroll for backpacking around the world in about six months.
- Become an early riser. I’m currently readjusting my sleep schedule to wake up at 5:30 AM, seven days a week. Alcohol, and the lifestyle that often accompanies it, work against this process. Alcohol makes me feel tired when I want to feel energetic and awake. Ironically, it also increases wakefulness during sleep.
You can probably think of other instantly gratifying benefits to life beyond the bottle. The important thing is to actually have a reason that is important enough to you.
Make It Priority Number One
Giving up alcohol is one of the easiest and hardest changes you can make in your life.
It’s easy once you’ve established the right rules, configured your environment to support you, and set up useful boundaries of pain and pleasure to help direct you towards your goal. The hard parts are the social implications and fighting off the One Man Army that is your ego, with its barrage of self-limiting beliefs and drink requests.
Giving up alcohol must be made priority number one in your life. A partial commitment is a commitment to failure. Even if you already don’t drink that often, it will be tempting to break your own rules when your friends call you up and invite you out. You’ve got to be willing to prioritize this decision in every situation where it’s relevant, even when that means Just Saying No to pub night.
It’s Not a Big Deal
Ever notice how some people act as though the end of their relationship is the end of the world? It’s as if there’s no point in living if they can’t be with that person any longer. Yet other people come along and date that person who left them, eventually break up with them, and see it as hardly more than a blip on the radar.
You may feel that it’s pretty easy to give up drinking. Or you may feel that it’s an addiction with a stranglehold on your life. Either way, there is no inherent magnitude to this task. It’s as big or as small as you make it.
No matter how much you want to tell yourself how hard it is, nobody’s ever going to claim that learned helplessness was the secret to their success. The most effective way forward is to not only make quitting drinking a top priority, but to think, talk, and act like it can be done.
Become the Impartial Spectator
Whether you view it as a spiritual separation, or merely conceptual, we all have more than one self. There’s the “Mmmmm…beeeer…” self, and the impartial spectator that can detach from and observe this desire.
Let the latter voice be your authority. You’re allowed to want a drink as much as you’re allowed to choose not to have one. There’s tremendous power in observing your thoughts as a third party. The impartial spectator can feel the heat without getting burned.
When in doubt, let it be there. No matter how bad the storm seems, it will pass.
Commit to 30 Days
If you’ve never done it before, it can be hard to think of giving up drinking forever. It’s discouraging to commit to permanent change, only to back out a few days or weeks into it. Some people will face social friction and lifestyle changes for which they’re unprepared.
But life is a laboratory. It’s an adventure that takes shape through hypothesis and experimentation, and most decisions can be reverted. When it comes to making big changes like this, live before you leap. Promise yourself that you will commit to this 100%, but only for 30 days, and see how it goes.
This is exactly what I did last month. I promised myself that November would be alcohol-free, and it was. Truth be told, I had a few drinks on day 31. But I broke the negative pattern that was creeping up on me and gained back the energy to spend on more important activities. And I’ve repeatedly proven to myself that I can give up alcohol whenever I feel like, whenever it seems like the right thing to do.
Dump Your Existing Stash
Any goal that’s important to you is important enough to start on right now. My 30-day challenge to give up alcohol started at about 3:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I had just gotten back from a post-nightclub McPilgrimage with some friends. I had a great time. I met lots of people. I even ended up dating a girl I met that night.
But I was really annoyed by how much I’d poured into me that night, at succumbing to the resulting Big Mac temptation, and at how much I was going to regret the hangover. As soon as I got home, the challenge was on. I had one last beer in my fridge, which I ceremoniously poured down the kitchen sink.
If you’re serious about doing this, get rid of your alcohol. If you’ve got $300 worth of spirits in your cabinet and you’re not yet sure if you want to empty it all down the drain, only to change your mind in 30 days, then store it at a friend’s place during your probation period. Preferably a friend that doesn’t drink.
Advertise Your Decision
I told most of my friends about what I was doing. Not only only does this add accountability to your goal, it also drops the hint that if your friends are planning on going out and getting wasted, you’re probably not interested.
Of course, you don’t have to avoid social situations where you’ll be the only one not drinking. I’ve gone out stone sober many times–even on my own–and met loads of people. Once you get used to social skydiving, you no longer need alcohol’s permission to talk to strangers and have a good time. You can get to that place by either getting hammered out of your face, or by learning to just not care what other people think. Frankly, the latter is way more fun.
Fire Your Drinking Buddies
Alcohol may be so tightly integrated into your social life that it seems almost impossible to go an entire weekend without drinking. If the only thing you have in common with your friends is that you like the same lagers, you might want to consider finding new friends.
I’ve let go of people in my social circle before and I know it’s not easy–but that doesn’t make it unnecessary. This might be the hardest thing you do in choosing a life without alcohol. The key is to remember that friends are an abundant resource. Having a strong social circle is purely a function of the effort you invest into it. That includes choosing to associate only with people who are aligned with your purpose, while avoiding the energy vampires.
This is another benefit of a 30-day commitment. Instead of permanently downsizing your social life, you can choose to be busy only for the next few weeks. Observe how it affects you when you stop spending time with your beer buddies. Join a local user group for something you’re interested in to bring yourself into contact with people with whom you share more than just a bar tab.
Bribe Yourself
I haven’t used this specific technique for giving up alcohol, but I have used it with much success in bulldozing my way through a wall of social anxiety.
Associate massive pain to backing out. To create that pain, visit your nearest bank machine. Withdraw an amount of money that you’d feel uncomfortable losing. Give it to a friend you trust. Tell them that you get your money back if, and only if, you don’t have a drop of alcohol until your 30 days are up. You’ll be surprised at how even the most difficult tasks become doable when you associate massive pain to breaking your own rules. Money can be a great way to make it hurt. If you can think of an even better form of self-bribery, go for it.
The stronger you feel that alcohol is a part of your life, the more of these techniques you may want to apply. My most recent alcohol-free challenge didn’t require bribery or letting go of any friends. But I did find it extremely useful to limit the challenge to 30 days, to give myself permission to live the lifestyle before leaping to a permanent decision.
I also think that making this a top priority is key, no matter what your current consumption habits. It’s so easy to let yourself slip for just one night, and then feel guilty about breaching your own contract later on.
Hey folks hope all is well!
Val – you are still here, and you are still fighting, that is the main thing. Stick with it and you will succeed!!!
ACH – I hear ya, and it’s definately REAL!! I can relate to your story, one of my big pushes to finally do this was the fear I felt when I went in for surgery last July. Never been in the hospital for anything prior to that, but what worried me was the fact that I couldn’t remember having gone more than two days (flu doesn’t count) without drinking and I would be in there for 5 nights at least. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I started to think just how pathetic that was considering I had been partying since I was 16 (just turned 49)
My advice to you, don’t look back, and don’t let point where you start to feel the positives. It will never get any easier so why waste the years I did.
Carol – Welcome back!!! Sounds like you had a wonderful time!!!! (and your dogs still love you)
Gypsie – don’t blame you for taking a day off! Besides what are they going to do, fire you? sorry, in poor taste. Have a great day off!!!
TW – good attitude, stick with it!
ACH – translation in English, My advice to you, don’t look back, you are getting to the point where you start to feel the positives. It will never get any easier so why waste the years I did.
Way to go Carol! You rock!
called my first official game tonight. I did well. If I hadn’t I would feel really bad right now and I don’t so I know I did ok at umpiring.
Day 6 of no alcohol(Day 7 no cigarettes)
I haven’t posted in a while because I wanted to get a few days under my belt. I’m feeling GREAT! I wake up with a clear head each morning AND my mouth doesn’t taste like a beer soaked ashtray. My running pace has gotten faster and I feel generally happier.
My wife continues to smoke her 2 nightly cigarettes and I haven’t even missed joining her in the yard. She actually smells really bad when she comes back inside…and I told her so :)
I hope everyone is doing well. I haven’t had time to read all the posts.
Best wishes for a sober weekend,
Lee
Good Morning All,
Day 5 here! I have only drank one day out of 16. This is a big plus for me.
Well it’s Friday, and this weekend is supposed to be nice. I hope to wash my vehicle. My challenge for this weekend, well besides drinking.
So how is everyone doing?
TW
Hi all…… aa didn’t work for me. They expect you not only to stop drinking but suggest you don’t hang with those who do….But everyday I am surrounded by those who do. I do notice I drink much less than before. Busy and fear. We are Buying a buildng to start expanding my dream, with aprartment on top so we can stay in town from time to time.. Any change is hard and scary……. including drinking.
Still I can”t seem to get on board for long periods of time. And I know I am missing out on life when I drink….
I am reading a book which introduces the life process program. Breaks down your addiction; then evaluates your feelings, and behaviors. What are you afraid of without the alcohol or what ever. Just like Scout, Carol, Johan, Pepperment, and most of you it is a life process change. Filling the void with life, even if it is scary.
Key way to come back.
Lee way to go…
tw doing it.
Scout thanks for you kind wordds of wisdom….
Although I am on and off again I have not given up.
j
Jeanne; way to go – yes the start and even a good way into the 30zzz is about quitting but somewhere along the way the life process slips in and for me I think a drink will screw up the works in my life process – after allowing Irish Mist on my lips in Ireland I allow myself to remember the warm feeling as my bloodstream got a whiff of it from just that little bit and what a pleasure it was and immediately realized that putting some in a glass and drinking it would lead to filling a glass and emptying the bottle and I know I may not allow myself to drink
you know I worried about what to do about drinking in Ireland and if I had not shared and gotten help and support for you dear Islanders I don’t know if I would have been so successful – thank you all so much
Key; what a great thing umping the game – I have a visual of you out there managing how the game is going and am so proud of you!
Lee; good work and good for you checking back to report
everyone we are approaching the weekend and the Island get lively so remember to bring your fun here and picture all of us at the TWITs having our terrific n/a drinks and helping each other along
STAY Love, carol XOXOXO
Lee, I’m impressed. I know how you feel not wanting to post until you have a few days under your belt. That’s how I felt after my multiple slips, but I have a hard time even getting a few days without support.
I love sober Saturdays…tomorrow is gonna be one and I can’t wait.
Jeanne and Carol: Thanks for the support.
key: Sober Saturdays rock!!! Fridays were always the hardest for me….NOT TODAY!!!
I’m feeling very good and very committed to my 30 day plan.
STAY,
Lee
Hi everyone, hope all is good. Trying to keep this positive thinking constant -I have waves of depression that hit me and that are so defeating- I know I sound like a broken record huh? Ok-I’ll shut up. This too shall pass. Take care,
Gypsie:: I think we can be Over Under Sideways and Down, just as long as we get back to it.
Pep:: thanks for the kind and funny words awhile back.
I used to drink 4 times a week for the last 4 years.
im 23 years old now and realized it is ruining my life.
im losing money
time (for recuperation)
My health (im an athelete)
and havent had a drink in 10 days now and already i feel better and my sexual function has improved.
It isnt easy my circle of friends make it difficult but i will persevere. kudos
Dear River Rat,
I’m thinking of you and hope you are moving along ok in these hard days after losing your mom. I was experiencing, and still am, an overwhelm of feelings… I imagine, something that might be happening up your way; I empathize. Just wanted you to know that you are on my mind and am wishing you peace.
sending love,
Scout
Thanks Scout, I am thankful for yours and so many others consideration at this time.
I’ve been reading but am usually too tired to write. This past week was so busy for us that we haven’t even had a real chance to grieve properly. There have been an array of issues, including family fighting, of which I have done my best to stay out of or handle for all. I’ve been sober so have felt very much in charge but also had my own set back, a terrible infection in my lowere leg, which has had me visiting the hospital daily for IV antibiotics. It’s been both a nuisance and ablessing as I am currently on bed rest, most of the day with leg elevated. It’s getting better but they still haven’t identified the bacteria. I also acquired strep A. Of course stress compounded my ailments.
I have a traumatic memory of my Moms final moments, with me trying to rescusitate her, that I can’t stop replaying when I try to sleep. I got some medication on Monday for sleep and am catching up slowly. I’m on the mend and miss all of you, my friends.
We had the most amazing life celebration for her Tuesday. It really helped start the healing for me.
Anyway, gotta go for my IV. talk to you later.
Carol, welcome back!
Love RR
RR; A thought came to me while reading about your traumatic memory that won’t let you go: a friend of mine had a similar experience with EMTs resuscitating an already dead 90+ y.o. parent when they would not honor the DNR request –
I believe the loved one is above the scene in the room watching lovingly while you try to do what you think is best and the loved one has a smile of unconditional love at your efforts to help and is truly pain free and sending a fond farewell to you on her way to the light
STAY love, carol XOXOXO
That’s a really nice image, Carol. I’m sure it’s true – and when you look back at this RR, i know the trauma will slip further into the background. One thing that helps, I think, is to have a chronological account of what happened set clearly in your head – even if it means to consciously go back and start at the beginning of the day and recount it for yourself (this is a technique, at any rate, that may be helpful), so that eventually the traumatic event will nestle itself within the course of past events and slowly move into the background as memories, the cherished chosen ones, begin to surface. in this way, the traumatic event begins to reduce itself in proportion to the bigger view. I hope it helps.
My heart goes out to you RR and I’m so glad to hear that the celebration was wonderful – that is so important to have a heart-felt send-off.
And – so glad to hear that being sober is a help and that it’s all possible.
You are amazing, RR, many many good wishes your way.
Scout
So cool, Carol,
my wife visited a psychic who, despite what one thinks of such (fairly skeptical myself although a couple things were very amazing) proved to be very therapeutic. She said, without knowing any details, exactly what you said, carol, that my mom had already left the flesh and was in the room watching and trying to respond the comfort for our committed, living efforts.
Thanks to you, my friends. Despite my slip following mom’s passing, it has been a great thing to be sober and reliable. My heart is a little sorry for itself right now but I’ve been reading each post and admire everyone’s courage in this battle. Keep it going.
Love and thanks,
RR
River Rat RM, in parnership with TWITS,Inc.
Your bunglaow is secured, lights on, and ready for your return. FRIENDS ARE HERE. Hope for a speedy recovery.
With love,
Peppermint
Dear RR; yes I am skeptical of the tv type of psychics however have a dear friend, very down to earth who is psych and has guided me through many traumas & high spots in the recent years and I trust her
take you healing day by day – everyone grieves in their own time and I think of it as an unwinding of a skein of yarn: some golden, some tarnished as we get to the core of the relationship with our loved one and we are always here for you and the Island heals as you so know
STAY love carol XOXOXO
River Rat, Just to let you know that I am thinking of you. Prayers.
Hope everyone across the island is seeing a little improvement in weather and the opp to Spring forward some.
Hi all,
Been away and didn’t manage my I will post everyday committment, but just wanted to check in and say day 11 here. I have come very, very close to losing my job (final written warning) due to alcohol and strangely enough, it seems to be what it took to make me stick with this so far. Wanted to share my AA experience for those interested:
Went to an AA meeting last week, womens group and it was kind of weird, but ok. The God Squad was pretty much there in force and I had to be careful and tactful (I am Pagan and live in a small semi-rural community so if you’re not Christian around here, most folks don’t like you too much) and a couple of the folks seemed really strange, but I imagine we all are in our own way. Been reading the Big Book and while it is very interesting and even scary by turns, I can’t quite swallow it hook, line and sinker but have found it helpful thus far. The only advice I would give using my own very limited experience for those thinking about attending a meeting are, just go and you don’t have to say anything, look out for the God Squad if you’re not a Christian and take what you can from AA and release the rest of it back to your Higher Power, the Cosmos or whatever. So far it’s been working for me. I will not drink today. Also, my RL friend stated that people basically go to AA, find God and get sober. While a lot of people say that AA is spiritual, not religious, no, it really is religous but don’t let that put you off. We’ll have to wait and see what happens when/if my AA group finds out I’m Pagan. Again, this site was my first help and I am grateful for everyone here even though I don’t post as often as I should.
Congrats to you Lee! I am not even going to try to quit smoking for at least another year since I think my head would explode if I tried both at once, so bravo to you.
RiverRat, I love reading your posts, you really help to keep me focused.
I know I’m missing a whole lot of other folks, so for everyone who posts here, a big thank you. You are all helping me keep sober and improving my life daily as you post about your own improvements and experiences. Thanks again and I’ll check in again in the near future.
Actually, I should have added something in my last post. RiverRat, the reason why your posts, especially your recent ones are so dear to me is because I also lost my mom about 3 years ago. She died from kidney failure and for at least the year before she passed and the last 3 years, my drinking went from bad to out of control. Stay strong and I am so sorry to hear about her passing. But, you were sober and clear headed before she passed and that is a wonderful thing to have.
iadara,
Thanks for posting about your AA experience – having skipped that version, I’m still curious how it works and what people learn from it. Have you read the book, Lit, by Mary Karr? (She also wrote The Liar’s Club which I haven’t read) You might find it interesting. It just came out – and at first I had a hard time liking it, but it did make me think (and stuck with me to puzzle over) – and she takes a turn with AA that I also did not take, but she is a courageous soul just like the rest of us – and I was interested in her really honest memoir.
Scout
Ps – good on you and your Day 11!!!
Iadara; there is another helping tool called Rational Recovery – no religion, no rules, steps or meetings – simply put, the beast craves the addiction – the treatment program is self-help called Addiction Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) – so simple it is hard to believe – there is a book rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey & a website http://www.rationalrecovery.org – I believe in the primitive brain in the human midbrain that seeks addictive substances or actions and I see the logic of AVRT – I’m not trying to convince you just letting you know it is out there
STAY love carol XOXOXO
Carol, actually I heard about RR from this site back when I first jumped onto the Island and I definately like more of what RR does than AA. What ended up happening in my case is that since I live in a very small community and have a very low paying job, RR was not a feasible option. It certainly strikes me as more what myself and some others here probably tend towards. Who knows what I’ll think of AA as time passes and I certainly don’t mind posting my experiences so long as others are interested. It’s like I said a little earlier today, all I can do with AA is to take what works for me and release the rest back out into the ether. Especially in my community AA has significant Christian overtones-not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it makes things hard for those who are not of that faith. Another person I know who went and still occasionally goes to AA is an antheist, and she had a few negative experiences also because of that, so it’s something I’ll have to wait and see on. Just with that RR was more widely available, especially in smaller communites-when you live in a small town, your only option oftentimes tends to be AA or nothing at all.
Iadara and others: I am a big fan of Smart Recovery. No religion and a comprehensive approach to dealing with addiction. Check it out. http://www.smartrecovery.org. John.
Iadara, thanks for your kind words. It seems like a few of us have had our share of bouts with grief; it is a part of life and all of my island friends here have helped me through the worst of it.
I appreciate your words on AA…. I’ve got some strong feelings about us having our own will over this demon. I’m not willing to believe for a moment that I’m helpless in the bottle’s grasp. Carol and others told me about Rational Recovery before and I adopt a lot of that thinking.
I also enjoyed reading up on Smart Recovery,…thanks John, I hope to learn more about that. Here’s some ideas from SMART, which I just read about tonight. I’m posting them because I’m never sure if everyone will link and I don’t want you to miss out….
* I’m not ‘powerless’ over alcohol, drugs or other addictive behavior. I can certainly use some help and I believe I can beat this problem like millions of other people have.
* Booze and other drugs don’t jump into my body, I choose to use them, so alternately, I can choose not to use and make it stick.
* My substance use hurts me and others. I may feel good for a short time, but I suffer in the long run. It is like the ‘buy now, pay later’ plan of life.
* Getting drunk or high is a way of indulging myself and trying to cope with stress, frustration, and anger. It’s just not worth it!!
* There are better ways of coping with life than intoxicating myself. Once I learn these ways, I will be willing to give up my addictive behavior permanently.
* It makes sense to seek help to learn new approaches because whatever I’ve been doing hasn’t been working.
* I can learn from others and enjoy their support without depending on the group for the rest of my life.
Good stuff. I like that they treat “addictions/compulsions as complex maladaptive behaviors with possible physiological factors.” That seems like common sense to me and an improvement over saying that I’m powerless, just my stance.
Scout and Carol, I need to read these books. Thanks for the reminders.
Anyway, keep all your ideas coming. This is the place where I get my best help. I may be back to single digits but I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished with all of you helping me.
I’m slowly getting back to life. Have many interesting life experiences added to my belt, some great, some not-so-much. I’m not out of the woods but getting close.
Love RR
Hey, Johan and Mj, fellow wiseguys…miss your banter…will continue to look for your slant on “stuff”, here.
RR