Flow with whatever is happening and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.
– Chuang Tzu
95% of everything you’ll ever need to know about meeting women can be summed up in four words: Go with the flow. Instead of trying to meet girls, focus entirely on yourself. Create a life that’s interesting and worthwhile to you, not because that’s an attractive quality to women, but because it’s your life and you are all you have. If you can’t live your own adventure, you’ll never be happy.
Funnily enough, doing things to impress women is pretty unimpressive. Neediness will bury you. The only way to attract the types of girls that actually belong in your life is to direct all your energy into being a world-class chef, rock star computer geek, champion race car driver, or whatever else lights your fire.
And then just talk to the people that show up on your path. Whether that path is the sidewalk on the way to the grocery store, the poker table, the front row of the audience at your show, or a bar or club that you’d be going to anyway, even if you already had a girlfriend. No matter what you do, there will be people all around you. The guy who asks, “Where’s a good place to meet girls?”, assumes that he can’t say hi to the gorgeous girl picking tomatoes beside him at the grocery store, or that he can’t walk up to a girl in a room full of seated people and just start talking to her.
Believe it or not, you can. It’s not the situation that stops you. It’s your ego that stops you. Getting rejected by a girl poses a serious threat to who you think you are. But here’s a little secret: If you’re constantly getting rejected, you’re constantly getting laid.
Fear of Rejection
You can’t do anything to change what a girl thinks of you. The moment you try to change someone’s opinion of you, you’ve conceded to their reality, instead of living life on your own terms and letting social polarity work out the details. The vast majority of guys who think they have no idea how to meet girls are really just making excuses for having a lethal fear of rejection.
How do you meet girls? By talking to them.
If you have the balls to talk to girls anywhere, anytime, you’ve nailed down a crucial 20% of the secret to attracting women that belong in your life. The other 80%, of course, is to be doing something so interesting with your life that women become an enjoyable diversion, rather than the foundation of your happiness. If you don’t respect yourself enough to approach girls that appeal to you, and find it hard to ignore being laughed at sometimes by the sexually frustrated masses, then you’re going to have to settle for whatever girl decides to allow you to have sex with her.
There Is No Try
The girls I meet are interested in me right away. If they aren’t, I’m not going to try and change their minds. In fact, I usually don’t even respond to anything less than a smile. If her reaction was anything but warm and receptive, I’m already talking to someone else. No hard feelings, but at the same time, life is too short to waste on the Nos. If Montreal weren’t full of astoundingly beautiful women, I might have to reconsider my wholesale approach. Thankfully, natural, high-fashion beauty is available here in bulk.
In fact, these days, I get approached more and more. The most recent example of this was New Year’s Eve. I was out with my buddy Yas, partying it up, when this girl came up to us and asked for a light. My buddy started talking to her really interestedly. A few minutes later, we all walked back inside. As I walked towards the dance floor, the girl grabs me from behind and pulls me over to introduce me to her friend. Here we go again…
This seemed pretty fun, so I stayed tuned in for several minutes. Then a good song came on so I headed to the dance floor once again. I noticed that the girl didn’t join me, but it didn’t matter either way. The Now moment is the only moment that counts, especially when it comes to social interactions.
During the next hour or two, I met a bunch of other people, and lost track of my buddy. This happens just about every time I go out to large social gatherings with friends. It’s also why I can have such a great time, even when I go out on my own.
By midnight, I was on the dance floor, dancing with these girls I had met outside about 20 minutes earlier. When the New Year hit, the girl who approached me and my buddy earlier finds me on the dance floor to come wish me Happy New Year–with a kiss.
We start dancing, and she ends up inviting me to her place afterwards. Rather, she didn’t invite me, but was saying things like, “Yeah, when you come to our place later on…” Hmmm, okay.
But apparently that kiss was a commitment. This girl eventually starts getting possessive towards me. She gets visibly jealous seeing me talk to other girls. Fast forward to a couple hours later, and I’m outside talking to a couple dudes about Quebec’s equivalent of Woodstock, how awesome Montreal girls are, and various other things, when this girl taps me from behind.
“Bye Brad. We’re leaving.” Whoa, she’s pissed now.
“Okay, have a good night!” I reply, with a goodbye cheek-to-cheek. And back to the conversation…
The more people you meet, the more you’ll see patterns emerge, and the less you’ll take it personally when things go sour. Sometimes the drama takes a few days, weeks, months, or even years to unfold, but it all boils down to the same ego-based insecurities. And it’s no big deal. Just go with the flow, and be thankful when you find things out up front.
No one is good or evil. We’re all just a bunch of egos passing judgement on other egos, to help keep our own ego intact. Strange but true.
Self-Created Problems
A guy who gets both legs amputated has a walking problem. A guy who loses his front teeth in a hockey fight has a dental problem. A guy who says, “I can’t approach that girl! What if she rejects me!?” does not have a problem meeting women. He’s created the problem in his head, but it isn’t real. So at any moment, you can delete this self-destruction from your life.
What do you say to a hot girl when you see her? Anything you want. Even asking that kind of question is just an excuse to not be alive, out there in the world, making yourself vulnerable, speaking your truth, and living with the consequences.
If there’s anything good about self-inflicted misery, it’s that only you can change it, and the present moment is always giving you permission to let go.
Sorry for spamming your site with virtually the same kind of “I agree with you” comments, but I feel that I should say something about this.
I am 100% convinced that this strategy is right, at least for me (probably it is right for most people, but it sounds nicer to add an in my humble opinion shield). The main reason you have already stated, i.e. that if you try to attract girls (or boys) by being someone else than the person that you are deep down, you will end up with the wrong partner. You would like to meet someone who really likes you, not who likes someone you only pretend to be.
Besides, I think most people are expert at spotting a divide between true personality and a faked facade. I can use myself as some sort of extremely limited empirical evidence, but I have never really tried to meet girls, but over the past seven years, I have only been single about a year (and no, I am not very good looking or anything like that). I believe that sooner or later I will get noticed because of who I am and it seems to work so far.
However, there is a slight catch. You have to expose yourself to girls for this to work. If you on average meet complete strangers once a week under favourable conditions (parties, for instance), I would say that is enough. What I tend to do is meet a lot of people I already know, which sucks if I want a girlfriend (yes, please). So, my solution is a two-step one:
1) Be yourself and like it
2) Expose yourself to people
damn, i hate to just contribute a “me too” comment, but i really have nothing else to add. that was spot on perfect.
Hey guys.
Don’t worry, the “me too” comments are more than welcome. :) It’s good to know that people enjoy what I write, and helps fuel the fire for future articles.
@Snigel:
Yes, you make a great point. There is some “trying” involved in meeting women, and that is the effort, not to try to meet people per se, but to bring your inner and outer worlds into alignment. So, when you’re brain is saying “Man, that girl looks like a dream come true.”, the challenge is not to even care what to do to get her attracted to you, but to ask yourself: Will you be authentic and follow through on your desires by approaching her?
Most guys just starting out at this stuff will fear the rejection, which will give them approach anxiety. But once you get into the mindset that the only effort you need to expend is the effort to be yourself and let social polarity handle the rest, you’re home free.
I’ve been hovering around your site for a few months now. I always started reading but stopped in the middle, because well let’s be honest here I was scared shitless.
But after literally hitting rock bottom 2 weeks ago, I had it with the way my life was/is going and I decided to change.
I made this decision before I might add but I always relied on my friends and or other people. This time I understand, if anything is going to change, ever, it has to come from me.
So I threw myself into your blog reading everything, no matter how much I wanted to stop and I have to say it’s been a real eye opener.
I’m going to do my best to follow your advise and come out the better, keep up the good work
@Jonathan:
Hitting rock bottom is often a blessing in disguise. In my experience, accepting full responsibility for your whole reality is a prerequisite to any serious change. Since you’ve done that, things can only get better from here.
Keep us posted on your adventures. :)
I too had a similar experience. I had almost lost my self-respect while trying to persuade this girl to like me.
But since the last week or so, I’ve decided to go through a complete makeover – just being myself.
@Roark
Lol….i just had a similar situation, i spent so much time trying to impress this girl & she eventually went out with somebody else…that incident robbed me off my energy needless to say i was disappointed, but im now just creating my own happiness, i.e doing what moves me, living life other than letting it just pass me by…and basically just enjoying my life.
Good article, sent it on to a friend of mine. I don’t know how you keep on knowing EXACTLY what me and my friends have been talking about the day before you write a good article, but keep it up. Taoism ftw!
Also, the “latest blog posts” thing on the 30sleeps front page isn’t updated/ing, you might want to look at that.
Hey Brad,
Spot on with the article (even from a girl’s perspective).
Say, I want to tell a guy that I think he’s awesome & special. Coz it’s been dragging & I wanna move on.
Any expert guy perspective? You think he’ll appreciate the honesty or go MIA?
Cheers, Far
Hey Brad, no new articles for quite a while! I miss new inspiring posts, please come back. :)
@Farhana:
It sounds like you have the female version of oneitis. :)
Personally, it takes me a couple years, at least, to know if someone is special. How will they act when the going gets rough? Do they support me on a deep level in what I do or work against me? No matter how attractive they are and how otherwise fascinating they seem, I don’t consider any one girl more special than the other, until I’ve had a chance to see their true colours in defining situations.
The best thing to do to break out of oneitis is to meet dozens, or even hundreds of other people. Walk around, say hi, chat people up anywhere, anytime. Bruise your ego early and often. The more you do so, the more you start to let go of it.
Along the way, feel free to let this other guy know that you’re interested, but be indifferent to the result. If he’s really into you, you’d almost have to make an effort to say the wrong thing. If he’s not, no biggie. There are only millions of others to choose from.
@Artem:
Don’t worry, there are more articles on the way. :)
“It’s not the situation that stops you. It’s your ego that stops you.”
This has hovered in the back of my brain since I read it. It’s now become an integral part of how I live. Especially in social situations. It’s now clear to me that I was spending so much energy on worrying about the situations around me and how they might play out. Now I just live.
Since discovering 30sleeps, I’ve just gone with the flow, and done my best to let go of my ego – it’s much easier to think about than to do! But it is worth every moment of fear and sweat and just sucking it up and diving in.
Not long after Brad posted this, a friend invited me to see his band play, I knew no one, and he was going to be up on stage most of the night… I tried to get some girlfriends to go with me, but no one was available that night. I decided not to let the situation stop me. Instead, I took a deep breath, and dove right in with the intention of talking to anyone who would talk back, but also to move on once the conversational thread grew thin. It was the best social event I’d been to in years!
It wasn’t all positive, turns out the guy who did ask for my mobile number sent me 4 text messages before I’d even woken up the next morning/afternoon… When he finally sent a text that asked if he should stop calling – I essentially replied, yes, I met you less than 48 hours ago and you’ve already put yourself in the too needy category. He texted back – in under 2 minutes – that he’d never been called needy before, but was glad I was honest about it, because it was clear it would not have worked out with us after all.
Luckily, I did meet some really fun guys who I met up with the next night at another party and look forward to seeing again when my friend has another gig in a few weeks.
So the next time will be less scary because I’ll know these guys, but I’m actually looking forward to pushing past my fear and meeting even more people. Actually, that isn’t entirely accurate, I’m still terrified about it, but going to do it anyway.
Are you the same person, or is the guy here: [removed link to plagiarism] ripping you off?
@voldo:
Nope, that’s definitely not me. It’s unfortunate that someone would copy and paste large chunks of my content on their site without crediting me, and then put Adsense around it. It also doesn’t look like I’m the only author he’s done this to.
Hi,
I just came across this site, and it seems very positive and interesting. However,
My thoughts on a couple things:
“It’s your ego that stops you. But here’s a little secret: If you’re constantly getting rejected, you’re constantly getting laid….You can’t do anything to change what a girl thinks of you…If you have the balls to talk to girls anywhere, anytime, you’ve nailed down a crucial 20% of the secret to attracting women that belong in your life. The other 80%, of course, is to be doing something so interesting with your life that women become an enjoyable diversion, rather than the foundation of your happiness
You’re missing a logical huge part: your presentation of yourself. It is absolutely true that “having balls” to talk to strangers and not worry about what they think is necessary for meeting people…and it is true that happiness with your life is attractive. But you can be fundamentally happy and full of balls and still waste a lot of energy and miss a lot of chances because you don’t seem interesting when you talk to people. When you get down to it, it’s how you look, what you say, and how you say it that’s important. A girl/group of people can’t judge or really know you based on an introduction and few follow-up exchanges, but they can decide whether they want to continue talking to you or not.
“The girls I meet are interested in me right away. If they aren’t, I’m not going to try and change their minds.” I’m not sure what you mean by “right away,” but it sounds like you’re just trying to get by on your looks and apparent status to whomever you’re talking to. For average and below-average-looking guys, it takes a little time and work to make an attractive impression. Many highly-desired women are not friendly at first because they don’t have time to talk to the multitudes of guys who talk to them. You don’t need to THINK or KNOW you are special, you need to show her you are interesting and worth knowing through what you say and do and how you say it. Unless you’re a stunning physical specimen or a celebrity, going up and saying “hi, I’m —” isn’t going to cut itThis is certainly not trying to change her opinion of you, but presenting yourself so she can form a good opinion of you. A lot of the women who “weren’t interested right away” probably could have been interested in the real you with better tactics.
The fact that you are worth knowing and that you talk to strangers doesn’t mean the content of what you say/do is attractive. You have to be confident, happy, and friendly, people say. These things are true, but they are dancing around the point. You certainly can fake inner confidence and happiness, but you can’t have a lousy or too-direct presentation and attract someone.
I think the FIRST obstacle is the fear of talking to strangers, certainly. And obviously, everyone should try to build a life that makes himself happy. But the other problem most guys have is that they aren’t that interesting to talk to—this doesn’t mean they aren’t interesting. If you get rejected, it’s your presentation that was rejected—different things you could have said could have led to different outcomes
Women need to think your worth knowing BEFORE you show them that you’re interested in them. Guy need to talk to women, of course, but they need to know how to talk them.
If you’re constantly getting rejected, you may be constantly getting laid, but not by the girls you really want. What you’re doing is playing the numbers and still waiting for someone to like. If you can develop good game, you will still get rejected a little, but you will have much more control of more situations. That’s the real skill that sets guys apart when it comes to meeting strangers.
Thanks.
My semi-problem is noticing a girl, and then realizing about a minute later I really liked something about her and not being able to find her again since it’s some public place.
Hi Mate,
I have really important to raise with – I wish I was an english/irish guy so that way women would be more receptive to me.They usually take one look and run – no I am disfiguresd or anything like that – I am asian but I must be quite destestable that they think that way??/
The thing with me bing very westernised I prefer English women – I wish they would get to know me better but I don’t get a chance – time for me to become monk?
Jonathan’s comment got me thinking. How do you make yourself sound interesting?
I think I’m pretty interesting. I’m currently a foreign exchange student in Brazil, born and raised in Miami, barely American in the first place with both parents only recently naturalized, I play the sax, I love art, I draw/sketch a lot, I’m into graphic design, and sometimes I dabble with fiction writing, yet despite all the artsy stuff, I took a few college credit courses in business, computers, and math while in high school. But I never know exactly how to insert these tidbits of myself without sounding completely out of nowhere and way conceited than one needs to be. (A problem which is also giving me hell on these damned college application essays.)
I am sincere, I am looking for the ONE..I am what you might say lost in this relm ….I whant to be one with someone……………………..
iwill find her….acualy there will be know finding at all./my gaurdains will show the way……………………………….
I agree with the original post. It’s hard for me right know, because a lot of the things in my life are pissing me off! I mean if I got a good break here and there, than I’d be a better commodity with women. But the being #$it on in my life making it difficult too rise above, and show my best self. I’ve been on top of my game before, but sometimes we all get lost in the game. When it’s a little more complicated than just what the author wrote. Being a player in life has too do with you being happy with everything your doing in life, staying fit, eating healthy, spending time with POSITIVE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME. Making sure, we’re making good decisions that’ll affect our womanlife, understanding women and feeling good about yourself. It’s about being in the right mindset, everything. If I had the money I’d be a player even in the toughest city in Canada, and no I wouldn’t be buying girls stuff. It would just be because I wouldn’t be worried about money, and it setting me back you know. I’d have a nice tv room, nice bed, nice couch. Etc, it would be my own oasis, and then before I’m going out somewhere for the night I’d have a shower,stretch do a bit of excercise and feel SEXCELLENT= SExy+ Excellent. Then the babes, just come too you, and your not in a slump. Just a flick of a switch and my world would be completely flipped around in a good way. It’s real truth, making your life amazing and taking every opportunity that comes your way. What guy’s forget too realize is, guys do all the work talking and trying too meet girls. But girls do subtle things beforehand, if a girl checks you out 95% of the time she’s basically saying she wants you too talk too her. But a lot of the time it’s too quick that it happens, we can’t think right and we walk past the girl and kick ourselves for days. Why because we were afraid, and it’s stupid the girl was pretty much just asking too talk too you silently, and you ignored her. Maybe I’m wrong, but I think I’m totally on point with this one. I’m sure a lot of you guys walk past girls that look at you, and you can tell.
Another thing is, trying too blend in with her and her girlfriends,etc. Fit the part, etc a lot of this stuff that I know is true ” Kills me Inside” Because it’s frecking wack that girls want you too act like that. The fact is you go too a dating site, and girls got this, that, etc on there lists of what they like about a guy. So if you can be a mindreader before you see the girl, and think okay what do you think this girls like. You’re better prepared too do your thing, when your talking too her. You know how she reacts, you know her personality. This girl on a dating site has on her pro ” I’m the Engine ” I’m in search of a great mechanic”. So basically she’s saying too the world she’s a girl, how can you do your magic on me too make my engine( Herself) feel amazing like I want too feel. So analyze that, and realize you gotta understand the whole atmosphere of being around women. Know that maybe you can g et away after talking too her for awhile by touching her arm for a sec, and take it back, then later do it for a bit longer,etc. She needs too get immune too you being in her space. So you gotta work up too the kill, where you want too get into her pants lol. Eye contact= key, focus on her eye contact. Try too understand what she’s thinking, focus on your eye contact. How are you looking at her, are you looking happy/bored/etc. Could go soo many ways, these may seem like nothing. But it’s the details that can make things get heaty, or turned off. The focus gotta be there, when you set yourself in the room with this girl, focus on nobody being there but the two of you. All you gotta do, is have fun and be a gentleman, and instinct will take over.
Wherever you go, practice on cashiers. I find it’s very easy, and if done well makes you feel good inside. So you go too the liquor persay, and you just say something original(funny) etc, it’s all in good fun. Dating doesn’t gotta be a serious thing, just having fun. That’s where the energies gotta be channeled, so persay your in the worst mood in your life. You gotta channel your energy, and think of how you really are going too enjoy talking t oo this girl, and it’s going too make you feel wonderful. Then just don’t get sidetracked by getting angry at the world, for all the shit. Just stay with that, your confidence will go up.
There’s
a few dimensions too being a pickup artist K I’m a break it down like this.
- Being confident happy
-Understanding women, and being funny, awesome, cool guy that knows how too live life, and enjoys adventure
-Listen too women, study there facial gestures,
- Being a pyschologist too women in some way, by giving them good advice.
- Being fit, sexy looking, proud of who you are.
- Having hobbies, that are cool that you can talk too girls about and they get interested.
-Body Language
-Being a man
-Being a great cook/ hostess
-Teaching her things, letting her teach you things
-Being interested in her life
- Letting her know that you have the ability too make her life amazing, and doing that.
I think I’ve covered quite a few aspects of women, so I help that helps you out. I know I’ve helped myself out, by just reading what I’ve wrote down here tonight!
Peace good luck with Women!
Hey congratulations on a great article. Although I’m a straight female, this is advice I could really use.
I’m 20 years old. As sad as it is to admit I am basically a social recluse and have hit rock bottom myself. I suffer from depression and anxiety, for various reasosn which I won’t go into here obviously. I know that you can’t be a victim of your circumstances forever, and I’m committed to really working on that.
I have only ever been able to get very low end jobs because I feel like that’s all I’m capable of. Then if I make any silly little mistake in these jobs I beat myself up about it because I feel like if it’s such a scummy easy job I should do it perfectly. At my first job the boss was abusive made me feel pathetic and ruined whatever little self esteem I was trying to preserve. Currently unemployed. I have only a couple of friends who I don’t see often. I am failing my college semester. Hardly anyone knows I exist. Life has felt very hopeless for a long time.
Approaching guys has always been out of the question. Not sure how my brain would react if I was rejected. I have never had any intimate contact with guys before at all, despite going to a normal school. Strange since people tell me I’m relatively intelligent and good looking. Really need to get my life on the right track. I’m sick of being unproductive and being scared of becoming a worse loser than I already am. Just need a bit of inspiration which I am currently gaining from your website so thank-you lots and I hope to read more articles very soon.
K
Sorry I just realised this post may be a little out of place here, and sorry for the perhaps too autobiographical content.