Take your life in your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.
– Erica Jong
Every so often, somebody writes me an email or a comment for which a simple reply would be inadequate, and which I feel is too important to ignore. It’s not just that they’ve got a serious problem and they’re trying everything they can think of to deal with it. It’s that, on some level, they’re speaking for all of us.
While I imagine that relatively few fans of my writing have had serious problems with alcohol, like the following reader does, many of you will have waded through a similar darkness at some point in your life.
Whether you’re gripped by liquid demons, can’t get laid to save your life, hate your job more than anything else on earth, or feel incredibly isolated from the world and just can’t seem to make friends, the underlying agony has a familiar weight and texture. The causes may be different but the symptoms are the same: depression, despair, hopelessness, and nothing can seem snap you out of it.
Welcome to Rock Bottom. Population: Far too many.
The Question
hi all im 39 and an alcoholic im not proud of it but alcohol has come part of my life i drink 8 cans every night even more on weekends, ive had councelling before but that never worked i lost my driving license through drink ive just completed a drink drive rehab course and i get my license back on my 40th birthday, ive been to my doctors and asked for help he said you need counselling i told him that doesnt work for me he refused to give me antabuse im just waiting for my liver test results to come back i know my liver will be damaged but even my own doctor wont help me,when i try to stop drinking i get so stressed and moody i take it out on everyone, all i want is someone to help me.. its my daughters 3rd birthday today ive been awake since 3 am and ive decided im gonna try again just for her and her sister.. any advice from anyone would be helpful
– kev, in reply to How to Quit Drinking Alcohol
My Thoughts
Again, I hope that even those who have a serious problem that has nothing to do with alcohol will see some relationships here. Misery comes in many flavours, and the same general ideas for digging yourself out of a rut can apply to a wide variety of pain.
@kev:
First, thanks for writing in. It takes balls to own up to your shortcomings. I’m glad you did. You’re obviously serious about looking for help, and even willing to go public with it by asking the 30 sleeps community for insight. And thanks for consenting (via private email) to having me respond to your question by writing it as an article.
I’m not a psychologist and my advice on this is not professionally certified in any way. But I think that unless you happen to stumble upon a particularly passionate, world-class specialist in the kind of torture you’re inflicting on yourself and your family, you’re probably wasting your time. You’ve said yourself that counseling doesn’t work, so we’re fast approaching a dead end. Literally.
I’m also not a doctor, and I don’t know the first thing about the drug Antabuse. But as a general rule, if I seek help from a medical professional and am unsatisfied with their assessment, I shop around for a second opinion.
Darkness and Light
I’ve lived through darkness. Dark fucking darkness. In some cases, it was caused by how I reacted to things going on around me. In other cases, it was 100% self-created misery. It’s through the latter that I think we share common ground. My issue wasn’t alcoholism, but alcoholism is the same kind of problem.
Unpleasant external experiences tend to dissolve into the past and the pain eventually gets forgotten. A totally different algorithm is required for troubles that start on the inside and flow outward. There comes a point with internal conflict where you become the only person that can help yourself. You end up going as low as you can possibly go and have no choice but to sink or swim. At some point, you have to ask yourself:
- Do you want your daughters to grow up surrounded by love or surrounded by misery?
- Do you want to be a source of darkness in your family or a source of light?
- Do you want to be alive or not?
The verbal responses you give to these questions mean absolutely nothing. The real answers come from your actions.
Every swig you take is a very loud NO to love, light, and life.
*Gulp* The buzz I get from this lager is more important to me than my daughters growing up healthy and happy.
*Gulp* I can feel the shadow of evil expanding around me, but damn this beer has a nice finish!
*Gulp* Shit, are my eyes turning yellow? Whoa, cool.
The freedom to live your life exactly how you want includes the freedom to self-destruct. If you want to destroy your life and the world around you, no one can stop you, not even those closest to you. Likewise, if you’re unshakably committed to turning things around and getting healthy no matter what it takes, no one can stop you from being successful there either.
Ifs, Ands, and Buts
Don’t use stress and moodiness as an excuse to keep drinking. The only way you can help yourself is to start by assuming full responsibility for your entire reality. Until you can honestly admit to yourself that every dimension of this problem is something you’re creating, you’re unlikely to make lasting changes.
If you were to go to a psychiatrist and tell them that you get stressed and moody when you don’t drink, they’d give you some pills and usher you out the door. That’s messed up and inhuman.
The solution to stress, moodiness, depression, aggression, anxiety or almost any other negative psychological tendency does not involve trading in one drug for another. It starts by acknowledging that there are some serious flaws in the life you’ve created for yourself, and everyone in your orbit is taking the heat for that. You can change that by gradually installing habits that will have you sleeping better, eating as healthy as humanly possible, spending quality time with people that are important to you and being 100% open in your communication with them, and settling for nothing less, career-wise, than to work on projects that you’re absolutely obsessed with.
Forget pills, I’m writing you a prescription for self-respect.
An important part of breaking one negative pattern is to replace it with another, more positive and productive one. While you’re giving up alcohol, why not cook your family a decent meal tonight too? Go for a walk. Take your daughters out to a movie. Or even just take some time to step back and take stock of your life. Start with what you’re thankful for and gradually work your way towards being brutally sincere about what sucks. And focus most of your energy on the solutions, rather than the problems.
Is this easy? Fuck no. This is war. When it’s you and your family’s lives that could all be seriously affected, degree of difficulty isn’t even a consideration. Every time you hold a beer in your hand, you’ve got a choice to make: Your driver’s license or your beer? Your daughters or your beer? Your life or your beer? Your actions are your answers.
It’s a little new to me to be this honest with someone I don’t really know. But fuck it, I want to help you, and I live for the truth.
I suggest Reiki as part of the process of working your way back. Also suggest hugging your kids a lot :)
My thoughts are with you, good luck.
Kev. Everybody. If you want something badly in life, you must decide what you are prepared to sacrifice.
If you want to be a father to your daughters, you must sacrifice your alcoholic comfort. You must suffer the period of stress, mood swings and self-hate that leaving alcohol will bring. You must look into the mirror during the lowest moments and say to that poor man you see ‘I love my daughters and I’m becoming the father I want to be and they need’. You must pass through the suffering to get to the other side. There is no shortcut. You must face it to overcome it. It’s never too late to be the man you’ve wanted to be Kev. Face the suffering and overcome it properly. There is nothing unmanly about saying to everyone around you ‘Please help me’.
Be that man Kev.
Simon
Been there — no kids involved — but I know the frustration of having a love affair with beer while being acutely aware of the price tag attached to it. The idea of ‘addiction treatment’ is a reflection of the American way (I’m about to tell it like it is, and you may not like it, but I’m trying to help). I actually got the best insight from a guy named Jack Trimpey (he wrote a book called “Rational Recovery.) All it really did was remind me of common sense. There is this mindset these days that is geared towards rehab centers and ‘life-long recovery’ and clinics that give people supplements or anti-depressants. The ‘experts’ have Phds so we assume they know what’s best. There is a flaw in this thinking: You’re looking to put the responsibility on someone else. I’ve seen these “It’s ok to ask for help..real men ask for help” lines, and I have to say that I think the people who say them mean well, and that they believe what they say, but if their idea of help means going to see some counselor or ‘expert’–I’m going to have to disagree. “Addiction” is defined in one’s own mind when his/her intuition says “what you’re doing is wrong.” You don’t need a doctor to tell you what you already know, and you don’t need to sit in a meeting several times a week to be reminded of it. You don’t need Antibuse to quit. You need to understand that there are two of you inside your head: One knows right and wrong, one loves to get buzzed. The one that likes to get buzzed will tell you “you can’t quit on your own…you’re fucked and you know it.” After you quit drinking for a while, it changes strategies and says “Hey, you’ve been good..been showing up for work on time..been good with the kids…you can have one…just be more careful this time.” Kev — you need to learn to recognize your enemy–whether its trying to console you or trying to rip you down and tell you you’re hopeless. Check out Rational Recovery online. I know Brad wrote a blog about information overload, but actually the information on rational recovery will help to remove a lot of the information overload you probably already have in your head (thanks to t.v. and other media when it comes to ‘treating’ addiction). –Best of luck!
My thoughts are with you
Do it I’m sure you win!
@Ben:
You hit the nail on the head. I haven’t read anything about Rational Recovery, but the name alone sounds exactly like what I’ve done to help me get through trying times.
A few things for Kev,
-Try the 12 step program by AA, http://www.aa.org it has worked for many and is worth a shot.
-As a indication of timing, the latest newsweek is about addiction, it mentioned Brookside institute worked for those when AA did not.
http://www.brooksideinstitute.com/
The newsweek article
http://www.newsweek.com/id/114716
Amit
I’ve been where Kev is and know the pain he’s feeling. Why do those who drink excessivly – and know it – continue to drink, despite all the reasons not to – family, job, etc? Because alcohol has become the crutch we turn to, to temporarily block out the feelings we have that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, loveable. It’s because we don’t love ourselves and feel no one else really does, or could. And the proof comes the next day, when we wake up after a night of binging, ashamed of ourselves and what we’ve become. Why can’t be like other people and stop after just one or two?
I was afraid to acknowledge that I was an alcoholic for many years. An alocholic was one of those guys sitting in his own piss, passed out on the sidewalk, dirty, possibly homeless. I had a job, a home, some friends. Besides, I didn’t drink every day! Just on the weekends – although I ALWAYS ended up drunk, and often with someone I didn’t know. Then I started to crave a drink during the week and couldn’t say no to myself. I went to the company thereapist for a referral to a shrink “because I wasn’t happy”. Never mentioned drinking to him, but he asked the question “how much?” and suggested AA. I wasn’t eager to go – scared to death – but I followed up with his suggestion. It has now been over 17 years and I don’t regret it or miss alcohol in any way (I even quit smoking after a couple years sober). I am free – liberated from feelings of shame about my behaviour, lack of responsibility. Was it easy? How could it be? It was scary. It took a complete change in the way I viewed alcohol. Now I regard it as something to which I have an allergy – like some people are allergic to strawberries, or nuts or shellfish. It’s not a moral issue – I just can’t drink it. Once I was free of the compulsion to drink, I could start to look at myself in a more realistic way, and come to accept myself as one who has flaws but is a good person, with value and capable of love and being loved. As for AA – the beauty of the organization is that it’s NOT run by “experts” and PhD’s – it’s me, and you and all the others who’ve experienced the same feelings and pains, who understand just how crappy you feel and what’s the experience is like. Some are well educated, come from privilege, some are poor, with little education, single, married, young, old, male, female – none of that means anything. But – make sure you find the meeting or group that feels right for you and where you’re at ease. Like any group, the individuals you interact with will make or break your experience of it. Whereever you live – there’s an AA meeting somewhere nearby. No transportation – no problem. Mention it, and someone will volunteer to pick you up and take you home. The first step is the most difficult – look up the phone number of the nearest AA organization, and give them a phone call. Tell the person who answers you’re scared and unsure – he/she will know just what you mean. Get your life back. You deserve it.
i absolutely love your honest “its a fucking war” style! i wouldn’t have put the last line there, excuse for being honest… its a pleasure to read, thanks :)
I am blown away by your open and honest approach to life. Thank you so much.
And Kev – if you have the ability to so openly bare your soul about the depths of your darkness the war is more than 90% won.
The devil frolicking in the playground of your mind is on his deathbed. And that surely is something to go hug your kids about!
Not for nothing, but as someone working on her doctorate in clinical psychology, we spend a lot of time studying and learning about the science of addiction and what works and what doesn’t.
I agree with the assessment – if your doctor isn’t helping you, get a second opinion. Antabuse (and there are other, better medications, but antabuse is the least expensive and most well known) can be an aid to getting sober – but it won’t take the place of the social support and counseling that most people in recovery have found they need.
The purpose of AA is not to tell you you have a problem, it’s to form that sober social network, and it’s a place where you know you will not be judged for your struggles. That being said, it won’t get you sober. It’s a way to stay sober. But it also only works for about 1 out of 20 people – but, as they say, it works if you work it.
It’s your life. It doesn’t matter HOW you get sober, and if you need more than one thing than use more than one thing. Use antabuse in addition to counseling in addition to AA or Smart Recovery. Use whatever book you can get your hand on. What works for one person might work for you or might not. If counseling didn’t work before, try a different counselor. The most important part of any counseling attempt is the relationship you form with the counselor. If you hate your counselor, you won’t go back. Find someone you can work with. Look for someone that specializes in “Motivational Interviewing” – this is a style of counseling (developed around addictions) that has been shown in LOTS of research with lots of people to really have a greater effect on the success of behavior change.
Most importantly: don’t give up. Behavior change is one of the most difficult things a person can do. But you’re worth it. Your family is worth it.
Hi
The fellowwho will turn 40 d has a littl daugher touched my heart. Like him, notin okd fr me except one thng. that One thing i “Jesus”. AA and Rehabs never worked. First we must have the desire to stop; then get on our knees and speak to God, and beleve in Him and His power.
During my last drinking experiene I was at the bottom.Lost it all (too much to tell here)but gained eternal life.
I have been blessed, only to continually screw it up time and time again. There is an enemy that the world ignores. It is Satan. He drags us to the pit of despair and we follow and choose the easy path.
I have been to teen challenge, aa, read rational recovery, and have been the genetic product of alcoholic parents. Life is hard when you choose to self destruct by falling into the same pit of despair and hopelessness, time and time again.
GOD bless us all who believe yet cannot comitt to the deception the of the world’s blinders.
Im trying, I just found this site and reading this may help a little. Im fighting 25yrs, it’s gonna be tough. I hope I want to more than I have to. Well see..
This post seems to have struck a nerve!
Thanks for this and all of your posts.
Very insightful.
I’ll inhale them all ASAP.
My observation is that:
Your advice is the quintessence of true. It is also roughly, in my estimation, kinda useless. But I want to reiterate that I appreciate and enjoy your insights. And your commitment to truth.
I’ve noticed a lot of self-help and let-me-help-you (veteran’s) lit is predicated on observations like:
Your actions speak louder than your words, and you have to commit to health. I mean the seven habits of successful people type of observation.
If these observations were enough to save people on the skids, then just handing them a stack of books and a week off should be enough.
I noticed along the way back from my own nadir, which still looms large enough, that these kinds of truths don’t work.
making change requires facing a bear that’s a different bear for everybody. The bear might be a woman or a police officer or the “man in the mirror” or your own mother. In any case it is in the mouth of the cave and there is nothing behind. No escape.
I will wobble out onto a limb here and say that for me facing the bear is the challenge. Knowing who it is and what it is and standing face to face with it is the answer. That requires help. That requires therapy and safety, and someone to ask you that lovely question:
“how’s that workin out for ya?” every day until you realize, of course, inevitably, that the bear somehow is behind you and fresh air is in front.
Just to be clear: The bear is not in a can. Beer or whatever it is is just a way of staying in the cave. “self-medication”.
I appreciate any feedback, and I assure you that I intend this in the spirit of quest for truth, not nerdy superiority!
ta-ta.
Please help me.. My husband drinks all the time, holds down a very important job does not admit to having a drinking problem. He cannot just drink one beer and for the last 6 months has drank everynight, gotten drunk everynight and is no living on his own without me his wife and two amazing teenage children. He also had an affair and this is so out of character for my “real” husband. He was amazing the best father and husband a girl could ever dream of. Now, he blames me for everything, his son for everything and now the girl he had an affair with. He told me I was right about her, how could she do that to a family. How could HE do this to his family? I know I cannot fix him, but I’m so sad all the time that he is living this life. I love him more than he seems to love himself.. He is a wonderful man with a huge problem. What is it going to take for him to hit rock bottom and admit that he needs help? Please any advise..he is leaving his amazing beautiful family that loves him SO much.
As someone on the other end of alcoholism. I want to let you know that your daughters will greatly appreciate everything you are doing for yourself to get better. Your wife/girlfriend will also respect and love you more deeply with every effort that you take. Family is the one thing is life that is constant and good. If you let it be.
I have been on the daughter side of an alcoholic, and I am now on the girlfriend side of an alcoholic. I prey ever day that He will see the destruction he has not only caused himself but every one that actually cares for him, that will be here for him in the end!
my bf is an alocholic. he admits it, has been to aa, but it is a cycle he drinks sun, mon, tue, wed, thurs on fri he wont drink since we see each other fri and sat. i don’t hear from him usually all week until say thurs or fri morning. he vows every weekend he is going to try again and go to aa and take kudzu (an herb that stops the craving – which HAS worked for him). he has even read nasty, out of character, text messages he sends me at night when he is drunk and is ashamed of them when he sees them in the morning. like what i’ve read here and on different sites..he is two different people…sober…i couldn’t special order a more perfect guy….drunk he’s the devil. is he blowing smoke up my ass when he tells me he wants to quit and he hates this? from where i’m sitting he isn’t even trying. i don’t want to give up on him – but this is getting old – alcohol took his life i don’t want it to take mine too. i guess i just want to know from someone who has been in his shoes….does he sound remotely close to finding sobriety? since apr/may 2009 he has been in and out of aa…sober no more than 10 days.