You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
– Dale Carnegie
Positive relationships are the foundation of an interesting life.
Regular readers of my blog know that I advocate talking to strangers as a fantastic way of shaking up reality. But that’s not the whole story. If your interactional energy is misspent, you can end up in a repetitive cycle of drive-by friendships, random sexual adventures that are as fun as they are meaningless, and a general sense of wondering why you seem to always end up back where you started.
Making your own introductions is a life-changing force. But how do you channel this bravado into building relationships that last? How do you find friends that will raise the ceiling of your potential rather than criticize you for your passions? How do you meet girls that belong in your world and not just in your bedroom?
How do you get a life?
Love Being Alone
The prerequisite to building a healthy social life is, ironically, being comfortable by yourself. If you’re starting from zero, the reasons for this are obvious: you don’t have much choice. If you have a few friends but find that they drag you down, withdrawing from that crowd and starting anew will probably require staying in more frequently. Also, being too desperate for the company of others will hinder authentic interaction. You’ll be more worried about external validation instead of just letting it flow and being open to discovering connections.
Appreciating aloneness starts by consciously acknowledging the freedom it brings. When you enjoy your own company you can be flexible about who you choose to hang with, instead of letting the ego’s fear of being alone suck you into social scenes you don’t really like.
It also helps to have interests that can be pursued on your own. I’m fortunate to have many: reading, writing, cooking, software development, and online poker, among others. I’m just as happy staying in as going out, as long as I keep a good balance between the two. You can even use your alone time to apply the ideas in this article to help build your social life.
Start With Who You Already Know
Getting a life means becoming a person who initiates interactions, instead of always waiting for others to make the first move. A great place to start is with the people you already know. Most of us can probably think of one or more people that we’re horrible at keeping in touch with. These might be former acquaintances, people you met while travelling, someone you enjoyed working with in the past, old friends, or even current friends. When making this list, reach as far back into your past as you can, as long as you keep finding examples of people you wish you’d stayed in touch with.
Then contact them. I prefer email, especially when it’s someone I haven’t talked to in a while. If you don’t have the person’s email address, try Google. Alternatively, you might have a mutual friend who can put you in touch.
I did this several weeks ago. It was easy for me to think of many people with whom I’m horrible at keeping in touch. I ended up sending over a dozen emails to former coworkers I enjoyed working with, friends in other cities, and even local buddies who I don’t talk to nearly enough, often because I rely on them to always ping me.
I got responses from all but two people. I ended up going for lunch with one girl I’d never socialized with outside of a party setting. I reconnected with a former boss of mine from Quebec City who travels to Montreal frequently, and plan to have lunch with him next time he’s in town. And I reestablished contact with some friends I was starting to lose touch with.
The ROI on this simple gesture made me wonder: Why the fuck haven’t I been doing this all along?
Generosity Is Golden
It’s one thing to take the social initiative with people you already know, but what about with someone you’ve never met?
Sometimes I’ll get an email from a fellow blogger who wants to “network” with me. This is the greasiest way to introduce yourself to anyone. When making a new connection, start with generosity. Focus on how you can help the other person get where they’re going. This is an idea I got from Keith Ferrazzi’s excellent book, Never Eat Alone
.
Do you have information that may interest them? Do you know someone whom they could benefit from knowing too? Can you volunteer to help their cause?
For example, I recently moved into a coworking space in Montreal called Station C. It’s a group of independent consultants and entrepreneurs who don’t like working from home. I think Patrick and Dan have done a fantastic job setting it up. It’s an amazing workspace with a great mix of people.
One of the first things I did when I moved in was volunteer to help build the office’s scheduling application. I have a lot of respect for the project and, now that I’m involved as a member, it can only be a good use of my time to make it even better. I also introduced myself to most people in the office early on and asked them to show me what they were working on. I wanted to get a sense of what skills they had and consider ways in which I could give them more work. In showing my own interest, I found others naturally reciprocating. I’ve already been getting work offered in my direction.
One of the best investments you can make in yourself is to take a genuine interest in other people.
User Groups
The best places to plant the seeds that will improve your social life are user groups. A “user group” might be a professional association, a political party, an orchestra, a yoga class, or any other gathering of people who have a common passion.
To start down this road, make a list of keywords for everything you enjoy and every issue that matters to you. For example, mine looks like:
- personal growth
- spirituality
- private health care in canada
- cooking
- longboarding
- grassroots geek conferences
- design
- usability
- eco-friendly housing
- etc.
Do a complete brain dump. If you haven’t got at least 50 lines of output, you aren’t trying hard enough. When finished, head to Meetup.com and see what you can find. Alternatively, add the name of your city to each line and you’ve got a Google search query. This will help you find local user groups, bloggers, discussion forums, businesses, and other organizations related to these topics.
What if you can’t find a group that fits your needs? Organize it. This is exactly how I started a personal growth group in Montreal. The downside of being an organizer is that it takes a little more time and energy. The upside is everything else.
Finding a great group of people that like what you like may require some detective work, but it’s worth it. A shared interest is the active ingredient in building positive relationships.
Don’t Limit Yourself
When I was doing my 30-day trial on learning to cook, I took inspiration from Laura Calder’s show French Food at Home. I think she has a unique charm and her enthusiasm for cooking is contagious.
Then I thought: Why not email her?
So I did. And she replied.
Next thing you know, we’re exchanging email about The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle, spirituality, and general thoughts on the art of happiness.
Don’t limit yourself. Take a look at your bookshelf, for example, and ask yourself: Which of these authors might I like to get to know? Email them. Authors in particular seem to have more easily accessible email addresses than other public figures. It’s unlikely that you’ll meet or even get a personal response from most of the people you contact this way, but it’s still fun to make a connection with someone that inspires you.
I’ve turned this last one into a 30-day trial. Every day I email one person I want to know more about, whom I might normally consider out of reach. I find some of the most fun 30-day trials are the ones related to meeting new people. If you feel like you could use some help in the social arena, why not make now the time you choose to break out of your bubble?
@ slydog59
I went through a simeler thing. By the time i realised what was going on i was in realy deep with some bad stuff.
I think fear of the unknown (what if and what could happen ect) was the worst problem. DONT DROP OUT! That was my biggest mistake. If your not that sociable it limits who you talk to and if u do hav friends it makes catching up with them that much harder. I went back to school last year after i thought i was stable enough (addiction). Im 18 so it was prity much the same ppl from when i dropped out. Look for some one u see lots but dont realy pay atention to i.e the person in the locker next to you or the porson in front of you in the cafertiria line. U might think that there isnt anyone but if u look hard enough. If u make eye contact randomly, smile at them and if u feel confedent say hi the next time u see them(try not to make it the same day) try stuff like hows it going? Or just somthing casual. From there reaction u should get a feel for how things go. Use your imagination just remember to think about what u would do if some random came up to you and said hi. most people put up a defencive wall. How would someone get you to drop yours. I got a few F offs and such. Try and find some one else to try this on. As for the paranoia try talking to a family member or someone youtrust. Although mine was through substance abuce talking to a person helped. It can b anyone mine was my drug and alcohol counceler. He pointed me in the right derection.
Sry if it dosnt help
This is kind of weird…i mean the whole random sexual adventures is just ODD!!!
ONE WORD, WOW!
other than the sexual adventures, this site is actually helpful…and i understand the context that it was used in…so JK.
To padders thanks for the advice.appreciated.my schools getting knocked down in 2 months, so a few hundred ppl from my old school and ppl from other schools are being moved to this abandoned dump of a school.im looking forward to it tho, cos itll be like a fresh start to get to know new ppl.the paranoias getting better.me and someone were talking (both drunk:] ) and we were having a really deep talk about happiness and stuff,and its good to know when someone tells you theres nothing to worry about.
thank you for this, it has helped me get i touch with some old mates i thought i would never see again, this site has been really inspirational!
Thanks for taking time to discuss these matters. This site is great but I don’t have a single friend so this is useless to me. Trust me, I KNOW what it tastes like to be an outcast and it doesn’t go away it stays forever.
Thanks. some great ideas.
Andy: sineadleaf@hotmail.com if you want a online friend
Nice article.
i’m 61 and lonly i can paint do cards but when i go to class i’m going to make friends but when it dosen’t happen i leave very sad how do i make a life
i have no selfasteem and i tink i’m ugly i just wish i knew were to go from here
just great !
yeap2, the last few comments, ya guys gots tha AvPD. i gots it too! but we gots ta hold on an hope fo tha betta. no point in complainin. change if ya can. madshitboy@hotmail.com if ya need a friend
i’m a wow playerwho has just lost 330 pounds. i am now looking towards having a life again.
Hi my name is cameron and i wrote a story about life and death it tells everything about it Please read this here it is Their once was a boy he had no friends everybody hated him he decided to kill himself but instead he hummed a lullaby hmm hmm hmm then he looked to god for help he then went into a trance where he and god were looking into eachothers eyes and god said ” boy in the world i made their are monsters and demons but you have to pull through make your life worth while” and the boy did and so do you dont worry about a thing every little thing is going to be alright and it will for you good luck
Nice one. I really enjoyed it, and I hope I can open myself and find some nice activity and friends. Cos I’m gind of stuck in this virtual world, gaming Internet ect. Got to chage myself to have a nice life.
ok. Great Information. Now what’s a “satisfied Introvert” to do with it? Where does the “social recluse” begin? What if you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place with no income, living in a relatives basement on a inflatable bed, no work references, last work reference claims we’ve been out of touch too long and she can’t do a referral anymore, what if we don’t have a car, (ok we do receive our Associate Degree in 12 weeks) but we rely on awful scheduled public transportation, family doesn’t like ya, will throw you $ with a nerve-wracking lecture to boot. without food stamps you cant feed yourself, interviewers dont like how long youre unemployed, and don’t care that you took time off to help your child struggling youth with twins…the list goes on…so how does this kind “get a life”,,,oh and where I live does not allow me a telephone, I have a cell and a $10 per month pre-paid laptop internet plan, sheesh. ???????
i know your advice is good advice but sadly this hasnt worked for me ive tried to keep in contact with friends but the wont reply so are obvisly not intrested, also alot of old friends i had are nolonger for such reasons as cheating on me with my boyfriend and being selfish and using me.
so i thought yes i would try and make new friends but i have yet to accomplish this and now a year or so on very lonley and depressed and wondering what can be so wrong with me i wish i knew???
Hi,
An interesting and informative blog. Me, being whom I am, feel obliged to add my two cents. I have had to move across the country I live in (New Zealand), give up my home and my business in order to be near my children, this happened when my ex-partner decided to leave me. She believed that I would not give up my assets or relocate to the area she has chosen to reside in. I now find myself $80,000 in debt and in family court regulary in my attempts to know my children. I would like to state that I have never physically harmed, lied to or cheated on my ex. I have been here for a year now and still have not developed any meaningful relationships. I am old enough to realise that strong friendships do not happen overnight, I have always liked who I am and am not overly concerned by this fact. I am of the opinion that there are two types of people in this world, those that build you up and those that tear you down, the more people whom I know who build me up the more I will become, the more I can realise my own potential. I am not interested in jealous people or people who attract alot of drama into their lives, they are not ready to receive or grow, they attempt to bring me down thier own level and hence justify their own opinions, values and existance. I do not think the difficulty lies in relationships but more in my inability to understand my own desires and passions. By becoming pro-active in my own development I actively seek out things that interest me, my self-worth extends from my own integrity. My personal mantra is honesty = self-worth = integrity = success. By taking the time to learn the things which have always interested me I become more than what I was, we all have things which have interested us, even if it’s just something we saw on tv and thought “wow”. I think the real secret to having a life lies in taking responsibility for my life, the good and the bad. When I was younger (I just recently turned 40!) I couldn’t walk into a bar without every gorilla in the room grunting at me, it took many years for me to realise that I attracted this response, that it was my attitude when entering the bar which triggered this response. In some respects I write these comments for myself, it is a good way for me to clarify my own feelings and thoughts over my current predicament. In order for me to move forward I must actively pursue my interests, even if it is just to discover that I am not really that interested at all. I must accept my own circumstances and acknowledge my responsibilty for those circumstances, good and bad. I believe self-worth is directly linked to self-esteem and confidence, I do not need others to validate my existance. By being whom I am I attract others into my world, I have something to offer, I can then chose to maintain these relationships or dismiss them, without consequence or regret. It is wrong to trust too much, initially. It is my fault if I allow this to happen and end up getting hurt. My fear at the moment is that I will never find my soul mate, that by being content with my own company and not “putting myself out there” I shall never find the true happiness which we all deserve. It is for this reason that I must try, each day I try to to be a better me, even if I fail it does not matter, so long as tomorrow I try again. I am not desperate for love or anything else for that matter, and my burdens in life are not as great as some. What I believe defines my reality, I am very aware of own self talk. The more honest I can be with myself the more honest I am with the world at large. I try not to run myself down, when this does happen I seek the “why am I doing this to myself?” and try not to validate the negative comments. It is easier to wallow in self pity and escape reality in alcohol than it is acknowledge and understand the reasons I feel the way I feel. I guess what I need to do is accept that this is my life, that who I am is more important than who I know, that my reality is my responsibility and that change will not occur unless I change. Thankyou for allowing me to find a place to put my thoughts, it would seem that, as with many of life’s questions, my solution was inside me the whole time.
Hello again,
I just noticed that part of my mantra is incorrect. It should read honesty = integrity = self worth = success. Thanks again.
Hello Mike
Fancy me stumbling across this…I am from New Zealand too – South Island :-)
They are incredibly profound words you have written and sometimes it takes a major life change for us to take time to reflect on things. Clearly you have done that and done so admirably.
All good things to you as you continue on this journey. Your children have a fantastic dad as their role model.
Bye for now, and I hope all good things come your way.
Annie
Hi,
Thankyou for your kind words Annie, they are very much appreciated. I have been pursuing some interests and am having some success in dealing with my situation. I am finding that being busy really does help keep me from dwelling on my misfortunes. I am trying to become more involved in community activities and am spending more time on attempting the things which interest me, sometimes enlightening, sometimes quite comical, yet all worth doing. I still have to say that some things are easier said than done, yet I have hope now. Something that has been lacking for me in recent years and something I wasn’t even aware I had lost. At the moment I am dealing with some of my fears, fear of public speaking, fear of being judged, fear of failure, etc. My fears are based on preconceived opinions about myself and my abilities, in short my fears are probably the greatest obstacle I have faced, probably in my entire life, they have kept me bound. The interests which extend beyond my comfort zones I am definately learning the most from, it is quite entertaining feeling awkward and clumsy, in retrospect anyway, yet the doors which will open just from me challenging my own beliefs, my own reality, were beyond my comprehension a very short time ago. I know that I have much to learn, and I have the desire to grow. I’m pretty sure it was Einstein who said “Imagination is more important than knowledge”. Now if I could only dare to dream…..
Dream big, my friend…that’s what we do down here :-)
I personnally dont care much if anyone likes me or not,not to be hateful at all but its a waste of time careing what others think unless you care about them,id rather be by myself than pretend to care about hanging out whith so called friends who share nothing in common or even are annoying or stupid.I dont seek approval or attention from society,to make it simple you should do what you feel would make life better and not waste time on stupid careless groups of people just to try to fit in with someone,either you share a common interest or their friendship is just phony..
to get a life is not to try too hard but to try hard enough. make the efforts those who wanna make connections will and those who dont are maybe not your type. i totally agree with the fact that one needs to be comfortable with the self and being alone should be a joy…. only then we can connect with people better. life is a journey not all people will stay from the begining to the end. just enjoy the moment.
Ya do agreed to get on life… but stg that it is so wrong they are in ,,, that make me feel terrible as to jus leave it as it is and get on life..
Hi, this article is interesting. I am going through a transformative stage myself. I’ve struggled many years with low self esteem and it affects all areas of your life. Just recently through reading books on self development, going to the gym and by setting goals have I started to gain some direction. This has gotten me to a stage where I like my time alone just to reflect and appreciate myself. I never had many friends to begin with but i realised the friends I did have are not the types of people I want to be. This is sad to realise however I’ve started to realise what I want in friendship and the qualities I like. All I can do now is continue my self development work and work towards attracting the true friends into my life. I think you need to have the time alone at times to figure out what you want and then work out a plan to get you to where you want to be. I may be alone now but I know its only temporary. You have to works towards what you want and go out there and get it. The only way to know what you want is to figure it out which may mean spending time on your own and learning to love and appreciate yourself for the person that you are. Confidence is the key and with hard work and strong focus, I believe we can all achieve the life we deserve!
I thimk this article is great and to the point. The bible says love your neughbour as yourself. Getting outside yourself and focusing on other people is the key to long and intimate relationships. It shouldn’t be all about making urself feel better but how u can make the other person feel good. I am horrible at keeping in touch but from now on I am going to call some of my friends and renew the friendship. Thanks. Great article
if people need inspiration and/or advice or someone to talk to you should check out http://www.youtube.com/user/HopeDreamAndGoForIt
she’s a girl who’s looking to help people and she’s really helped me herself! i think she deserves way attention for what she’s trying to do. it’s amazing.
I have just discovered this site and it has helped….thank you.
It has confirmed what I already thought: that focusing on your problems alone only perpetuates the cycle of fear and drama, making everything seem worse and exaggerating things out of proportion. Saying that, sometimes it is hard to stay positive and keep things in perspective I know. Loneliness is a very real emotion and can be crippling if you cannot find a way to get a handle on it. If you are feeling lonely, it can be hard to project a positive image of yourself when trying to meet new people.
I have had to start over again, after I split up with a partner and ended up moving back to the place where I grew up (something I thought I would never do). Somehow I find it more lonely coming back than I did going somewhere new. I have turned 30 and it seems harder the older you get to meet new people, as people my own age are all partnered off and have started families of their own or so it seems.
I have a couple of friends here that I had kept in touch with so it’s not so bad but I find weekends really hard as I have no one to go out and do things with. I am currently staying with relatives which means I don’t have my own space either and it’s hard not to slip back into old family dynamics which can have an impact on how you view yourself and where you are in life. I am not particularly interested in a relationship at the moment as I am still healing from the last one and I don’t want to feel pressurised into doing so – just so I have someone to do stuff with
or because I am scared about moving forward.
Sometimes you just don’t know how to go about changing things when you’re starting from scratch.
Truthfully though, I probably haven’t been doing enough to get myself out there and to meet new people. I have been offered a job which is great and the next step will be to get my own place and rediscover who I am. I have been a little daunted about the thought of living on my own here as I thought I might feel more lonely but in truth having my own space will help me rediscover who I am, the things I like doing, interests and of course you make more of an effort to go out and see people.
This is the first time I have even posted something on a website but I after reading everyone else’s comments that I felt inspired to do the same. It’s nice to know that you are not alone with these feelings, it gives you hope.
I was really touched by Mike’s (from New Zealand) comments and I hope things are working out for him.
There are some really good pointers for initiating changes and meeting new people – I will be trying them out and let you know how I get on. x