You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
– Dale Carnegie
Positive relationships are the foundation of an interesting life.
Regular readers of my blog know that I advocate talking to strangers as a fantastic way of shaking up reality. But that’s not the whole story. If your interactional energy is misspent, you can end up in a repetitive cycle of drive-by friendships, random sexual adventures that are as fun as they are meaningless, and a general sense of wondering why you seem to always end up back where you started.
Making your own introductions is a life-changing force. But how do you channel this bravado into building relationships that last? How do you find friends that will raise the ceiling of your potential rather than criticize you for your passions? How do you meet girls that belong in your world and not just in your bedroom?
How do you get a life?
Love Being Alone
The prerequisite to building a healthy social life is, ironically, being comfortable by yourself. If you’re starting from zero, the reasons for this are obvious: you don’t have much choice. If you have a few friends but find that they drag you down, withdrawing from that crowd and starting anew will probably require staying in more frequently. Also, being too desperate for the company of others will hinder authentic interaction. You’ll be more worried about external validation instead of just letting it flow and being open to discovering connections.
Appreciating aloneness starts by consciously acknowledging the freedom it brings. When you enjoy your own company you can be flexible about who you choose to hang with, instead of letting the ego’s fear of being alone suck you into social scenes you don’t really like.
It also helps to have interests that can be pursued on your own. I’m fortunate to have many: reading, writing, cooking, software development, and online poker, among others. I’m just as happy staying in as going out, as long as I keep a good balance between the two. You can even use your alone time to apply the ideas in this article to help build your social life.
Start With Who You Already Know
Getting a life means becoming a person who initiates interactions, instead of always waiting for others to make the first move. A great place to start is with the people you already know. Most of us can probably think of one or more people that we’re horrible at keeping in touch with. These might be former acquaintances, people you met while travelling, someone you enjoyed working with in the past, old friends, or even current friends. When making this list, reach as far back into your past as you can, as long as you keep finding examples of people you wish you’d stayed in touch with.
Then contact them. I prefer email, especially when it’s someone I haven’t talked to in a while. If you don’t have the person’s email address, try Google. Alternatively, you might have a mutual friend who can put you in touch.
I did this several weeks ago. It was easy for me to think of many people with whom I’m horrible at keeping in touch. I ended up sending over a dozen emails to former coworkers I enjoyed working with, friends in other cities, and even local buddies who I don’t talk to nearly enough, often because I rely on them to always ping me.
I got responses from all but two people. I ended up going for lunch with one girl I’d never socialized with outside of a party setting. I reconnected with a former boss of mine from Quebec City who travels to Montreal frequently, and plan to have lunch with him next time he’s in town. And I reestablished contact with some friends I was starting to lose touch with.
The ROI on this simple gesture made me wonder: Why the fuck haven’t I been doing this all along?
Generosity Is Golden
It’s one thing to take the social initiative with people you already know, but what about with someone you’ve never met?
Sometimes I’ll get an email from a fellow blogger who wants to “network” with me. This is the greasiest way to introduce yourself to anyone. When making a new connection, start with generosity. Focus on how you can help the other person get where they’re going. This is an idea I got from Keith Ferrazzi’s excellent book, Never Eat Alone
.
Do you have information that may interest them? Do you know someone whom they could benefit from knowing too? Can you volunteer to help their cause?
For example, I recently moved into a coworking space in Montreal called Station C. It’s a group of independent consultants and entrepreneurs who don’t like working from home. I think Patrick and Dan have done a fantastic job setting it up. It’s an amazing workspace with a great mix of people.
One of the first things I did when I moved in was volunteer to help build the office’s scheduling application. I have a lot of respect for the project and, now that I’m involved as a member, it can only be a good use of my time to make it even better. I also introduced myself to most people in the office early on and asked them to show me what they were working on. I wanted to get a sense of what skills they had and consider ways in which I could give them more work. In showing my own interest, I found others naturally reciprocating. I’ve already been getting work offered in my direction.
One of the best investments you can make in yourself is to take a genuine interest in other people.
User Groups
The best places to plant the seeds that will improve your social life are user groups. A “user group” might be a professional association, a political party, an orchestra, a yoga class, or any other gathering of people who have a common passion.
To start down this road, make a list of keywords for everything you enjoy and every issue that matters to you. For example, mine looks like:
- personal growth
- spirituality
- private health care in canada
- cooking
- longboarding
- grassroots geek conferences
- design
- usability
- eco-friendly housing
- etc.
Do a complete brain dump. If you haven’t got at least 50 lines of output, you aren’t trying hard enough. When finished, head to Meetup.com and see what you can find. Alternatively, add the name of your city to each line and you’ve got a Google search query. This will help you find local user groups, bloggers, discussion forums, businesses, and other organizations related to these topics.
What if you can’t find a group that fits your needs? Organize it. This is exactly how I started a personal growth group in Montreal. The downside of being an organizer is that it takes a little more time and energy. The upside is everything else.
Finding a great group of people that like what you like may require some detective work, but it’s worth it. A shared interest is the active ingredient in building positive relationships.
Don’t Limit Yourself
When I was doing my 30-day trial on learning to cook, I took inspiration from Laura Calder’s show French Food at Home. I think she has a unique charm and her enthusiasm for cooking is contagious.
Then I thought: Why not email her?
So I did. And she replied.
Next thing you know, we’re exchanging email about The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle, spirituality, and general thoughts on the art of happiness.
Don’t limit yourself. Take a look at your bookshelf, for example, and ask yourself: Which of these authors might I like to get to know? Email them. Authors in particular seem to have more easily accessible email addresses than other public figures. It’s unlikely that you’ll meet or even get a personal response from most of the people you contact this way, but it’s still fun to make a connection with someone that inspires you.
I’ve turned this last one into a 30-day trial. Every day I email one person I want to know more about, whom I might normally consider out of reach. I find some of the most fun 30-day trials are the ones related to meeting new people. If you feel like you could use some help in the social arena, why not make now the time you choose to break out of your bubble?
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Hi, my names alice and I’m depressed.
I just feel ever so lonely and would really love some company. I like walking on beaches, playing racket ball and I am very particial to a good old round of polo – or bloody badger hunter (hahaha).
this article made me feel like I could be reborn once again, I’m a nearly 19 years old dude who spends his whole time in front of the pc, gaming, chatting with foreigners, and I usually happen to create accounts who are ME pretending to be my friend, I have like 20 account pretending to be my friends just to convince others that I’m someone with a life while I actually ain’t… The time I spend in my university is like hell, everybody hates me, everybody says that I’m a complexed ugly bitch with no intention of having a friend, I hear people near me whipering about me being ugly and lifeless and that I never went outside my house ect… and I pretend that it never hurted me, while it actually does, and I blow up myself back home and start crying in the toilet… It even happened me once I tried to suicide but nothing ever worked, I have a big mark on my stomach because I stabbed myself, and If only I knew it would work, I’d have tried once again.
After reading your article, something definitly tells me I should try over, and I really did, I went to the class, stayed by a dude and I started talking, funny subjects, random stuffs, and he really sounded like interested, and we hanged out like twice and he seemed like really enjoying me being with him, the day after he was like : I can’t go on with that friendship because I had my other mates yelling at me cause I hanged out with you, they think you’re abnormal, ugly, and borring so for the sake of those I won’t see you again, I’m sorry… I pretended like I was a carefree and I was like “no problem” but inside I was feeling like a huge tower fell onto my head, Loneliness can be really dark and bad, but I think I’m getting used to it it’s better than getting rejected everytime you go on a relationship… I’m sorry but your article didn’t quite help me, those people are just kinda happy without me… Maybe I should just kill myself :’(
This article is not teaching ppl how to get a life, but telling them how to stop living and just worry about others and making new connections, dude, I dont wanna have a million friends or have lunch from time to time with random ppl i lost contact with, some people are just too social and do nothing with their lives. Is having a job, a stupid car, a house, going out to jog in the morning, eating healthy(gay), exchanging emails with authors… and connecting with people what life is to you?
And you are interested in personal growth…?
It’s funny how ppl think they dont have a life if they dont follow a set of social conventions and rules, they fail horrible at realizing they’re completely free.
hey mike .. well i got captured by the subject to be honest , ive read a couple of comments from others.. anyways let me just tell u my story ,im 22 dropped university a year ago due financial issues with my dad . i was studying in egypt and now im in jordan my home country ,yes im arab and i wish i wasnt just for the sake of opportunities i would have in europe or the states .. i smoked hash and mari for about 4 years non-stop . but for now im sober for a month maybe since i moved back to jordan . I’m looking for a job or pretending to, i seriouly dont know . i need a job im sure about it but i need as much confidence as this world can give , im starting to feel that my m8s my close friends girls and guys are forgetting about me .. maybe im a kind of guy who doubts alot but sometimes its true . all of the sudden now i though how the hell can writing this help me ! im so confused and i just wanted to talk and share .. sharing problems with others makes you’re problems look smaller . feel free to reply .. appreciated .. keep giving hope <3
Hello again,
I do not understand everything that happens to me or everything I feel, this does not mean I should not try. I do not want to pretend or come across as though I know more than others, because I don’t. What I have done here is express what I have been going through to the best of my ability. It breaks my heart when I fathom the depths of some people’s depression, all I have done is express what has, and is, working for me in the hope that anyone, or just someone, will realise that nothing changes until they do. I have used this forum to express my own thoughts over the problems in my life, I have used this forum to empower myself, to help me to achieve and retain a mindset and a desire to move forward. It is very true that this will not work for everyone, some people may need medical help, some a different mindset, it is one of the joys of life that we are all different. I will not apologise for being who I am to anybody. No one can tell me what I think or feel or beleive. At the end of the day what I think about myself will always be more important than what anyone else does. My journey has always been about self awareness and integrity, I do not need other people to tell me who or what I am. I do not need approval or acceptance from others in order to feel whole. My realisation is that by pursuing my interests I have become more than what I was and that by knowing myself I now feel more comfortable in my own skin. It is for this reason I now possess what I did not not have before. Not because other people call me their friend, or because other people respect me, it is because I respect myself. It would not matter if I was rich or poor, fat or thin, my life has worth to me because I beleive what I say, because I give a damn about others and because I want to be more than I am. I am not bothered by other people’s expectations of me, I only care about the expectations I have of myself. I am not a bank, a charity, a victim or a priest. I am the best me I can be today, and that is all that matters. I will not change who I am to accomodate others, I will not tolerate certain behaviours or actions from others in order to be accepted. That is not who I am. Friendship is a bonus from my journey, acceptance from others is a by-product of my life. If I want to be more tomorrow then only I can find a way to make that happen. No one is going to hold my hand, there is no magic answer or genie which can wave a wand, there is only me. If what worked for me does not work for you then it is up to you to find what does work, you will only fail if you stop trying. There is no one else in this world I would rather be than me, not because of money or looks or family but because in this entire world I am the only person who has risen above what I have had to endure in order to become who I am. I am unique, because this world beat me into that shape, no one else could of lived my life and turned out like me. I like who I am, I am driven by my own desires and my own ambitions, I am passionate for life and work hard to achieve more on a daily basis. This has nothing to do with other people, this is all about my perspective, the way I see the world and not the way the world see’s me. No one can hurt me emotionally unless I let them, let them call me stupid or pathetic or weak or crazy, I know its not who I am. Let them judge me, let them place me inside some little box on some huge shelf that fits their idea of who I am, I do not care, it is they which have the issues, the problems. I have nothing to prove to anybody except myself. Some days are better than others, some days it is hard not to dwell, these are just moments in time, and thats ok. It happened, it’s real… so long as I do not live within that frame of mind. I am still in the family courts and it would seem that it may continue for sometime yet. I am not sad anymore, I am not weak anymore, but it is ok that I was. I hope you all find what you need to find in order to make yourselves whole. Life is too short.
Mike, you are a great guy.
Wish you all the best to continue doing what your doing.
Enjoy the road.
Diego from Brazil
Found myself reading this, at 30 yrs old I’m starting all over again. Getting ready for the plunge into a new town with all new people. I can read self help books, and have so many certifications it’s not funny. But bloggers, they’re people who have been there done it. And obviously people, like us reading this, need it. So….thank you. Sometimes we can get so lost that we do need help, a hand held through the process. Not just “well go outside and meet someone”, haha not that easy for some of us. Come on, I’m a beautiful single woman, who has been terrified of making friends, outside of my partners. So, again, thank you. I know it’s the courage and decisions within myself, ourselves, that allow us to go forth. But it’s also being at a place where we are ready and can accept info and constructive criticism.
peace and light
Hi I am 42 years old i been playing a video game called Maple Stroy for over 5 years straight. My wife left me and took my little kid too. She said ” get your act straight.”
Now i red your bio of how to get a life and i am improving please give me more tips to improve how to get a life.
Hi everyone for the past several years my life has been tragic! Deaths, family feuds, jealousy etc. I am a 19 year highschool drop out and am currently unemployed. I havent had a life since my grandma died last year in 09. I was born VERY PREMATURE at 1 pound and 11 ounces. I have adhd, low self esteem and an people phobia. Too many people i appear fine but inside it hurts my life is in shambles. I guess im just scared of love… Its really hard for me to write because i keep thinking my grandma. I have a supportive family its just i dont believe in myself. Ive been dealing with rejection from peers since i was 6, at times i too wanted to end my life. I feel trapped in a maze, its like i want to get out but i just don’t know which to go. I have had friends, bfs, etc. Its just my life has become an What If to me, i am just stuck in the past. My goals are gone, my grandma is gone and so is the old me. How can i get a life when i never really had one. I want to be ME beautiful. Happy Holidays
I have to be happy with who I am, I have to like me, no matter what my burdons may be. For me this began with honesty, the realisation that nobody has a perfect life and that I have to take responsibility for the things which I can change. Wether this is my attitude, my behaviour, my habits, my self talk, my philosophies, my expectations, my fears or whatever. I can ultimately only control myself, everything else is just illusion. To me a person without some sort of self worth is not ready to put themselves out there, I have said before I believe others can perceive the things we negate about ourselves, it’s like we unconciously attract like minds to ourselves wether we want to or not, so it’s important to be happy within your own skin before inviting others into your world. My self worth comes from the fact that I believe I am an honest person and that I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself, I guess self worth is really more about empowerment. I had to challenge myself, I had to place myself outside of my comfort zones and deal with it. I initially did this by trying to take a more active part in my community, there are many things which a community offers its residents, I started doing volunteer work and reading the local paper for anything which might interest me, supporting local teams and attending community events. Later on I started doing classes at night, going to the gymn, swimming at the local pool, going to the library. The point here is that once you accept you are who you are and expect nothing from life then anything good becomes a bonus. I started to find things which made me feel good, things like music, food, books, movies, working out, achieving goals, and I started taking responsibility for those things too. Its up to me to enjoy my life in anyway I can, to take from a moment any joy I can and feel it, obviously some things can only be taken in moderation but the idea here is to find what you like, what you enjoy, what makes you smile, to grab it with both hands and then find something else which you like. I managed to do this, to a certain extent, without other people. It was then I was doing what I wanted to do, and before I knew it other people who also enjoyed similiar things were all around me. Then I started seeing things which I never knew would make me smile and I embraced them too. These days I am more of a happy go lucky kind of person, I dont waste my energy on negative things or negative people, even though I often find myself having to deal with them, once it’s done it’s done, I do not dwell on it longer than I have to. Even when these things have a negative impact on my world I try to see some good in it, sometimes I can’t but this is life we are talking about, nothing is perfect and it was great while it lasted, I guess I will just find something else to fill that gap. Life is about growing, it’s about becoming more than you were, if I spend too much time in any particular activity who am I really ripping off? just me, it’s always just me, maybe I want to do the same thing over and over, if I accept that I am also denying myself other experiences and other ways in which I could learn and grow then maybe that would be alright, maybe this could happen over a career choice but then again work is work and kind of outside of this topic. There is strength in not feeling someone’s else’s negativity, not taking onboard the comments or attitude, acting instead of reacting, secure in the knowledge that I know me better than they do. Life will throw many disappointments and surprises my way, it’s not these events which define my life, it’s the way I handle them. I have said before that I will not accept life as something that just happen’s to me, I can safely say now that this is my life, just as it always has been. I know I talk too much, just as I know that my story is just that, my story. I’m just the guy next door who found the world he had built for those he loved destroyed in a single moment of time, such is life. I thankyou for your tolerance and your understanding and wish you all nothing but the best for 2011 and in the years to come. You already have a story too, it’s up to you how it ends.
I am a 24 year old boy! :-) and i think i need help! My head might just explode! There’s so much to say…while i can sit and listen for hours, i don’t think i could open up to anyone.. Trust issues and low self esteem issues seem to only go deeper…Now I’m sick of listening and i need to vent..why o why? am i in this state!
I know several people that improved their social interaction by joining the local freemasonary.
hey what are you doing how have you been hahaha
hey hi all,, its been suggested that ‘i get a life ‘ by my own kids ! ! so where to from here ? ? ?
One way to begin getting a life is to let go of your old one. This means creating new habits and thought patterns. It may also mean examining what has worked in your past and using that part to create a better life in the future.
I am amazed as to how many of my clients attempt to – get a life – without changing their old habits and thought patterns.
woooo i just googled this to see what came up and everthing said in the first paragraph was all me! im that girl who lives in my bedroom! i feel lonely all the time nobody wants to hang with me, but everybody always tells me how awesome i am and blah blah blah! i just dont feel it anymore! i have low self esteam and no confidence and my emotions are always up and down! i do need to get a life i just dont know where to start! im planning a big move in 4 months time so i guess thats kinda a start! if somebody can help me id much appreciate it.
I understand with these things. I often find myself depressed and when I try to open up, it always comes crashing down! But the thing is to get back up and try again with things even if there is that bad moment in life.
i also have issues with gaining friends and like alot of these posts i don’t know what to do, i have had only a hand full of people in my past to hang with. it was much easier when i was 20, no one was married yet or obligated. my closest friend was my wife ,at the time.now i have to start from scratch and found out that im not well rounded and large groups of people terrify me,my biggest hang up is small talk, how to initiate and maintain a conversation with out looking a goofball. and for some reason my inability to interact with others creates alot of enemies, or just plain nasty individuals appreciate any advice
To Ken,
It sounds to me that possibly you are projecting a need for companionship/friendship. The real trick is finding the things which you are passionate about. Do things because you want to do them, chase the things you enjoy, there will be others with the same passions. Learn a new skill, join a club, take the time to do all the things you never got to do, know thyself, and grow.
To Mike,
Opening up to people is not a wise move in my opinion, unless that person is a trusted friend. By expressing our inner thoughts and feelings we make ourselves vulnerable and expose weaknesses which others may exploit or take advantage of. There is such a thing as too honest. I agree that part of life is the ability to “get back up” or “roll with the punches” however, we must take responsibility for the good and the negative things in our lives and change the things we can.
On a personal note. Life is good.
To Ken,
Sorry, I also think the awkwardness you feel around others is just a natural response to being outside of your comfort zones, the trap is assuming what other people are thinking, apologizing for slight indiscretions etc. By acknowledging shortcomings we are letting other people know what is wrong with us and literally tearing ourselves down before people get to know us. Sometimes if we don’t know what to say the best option is to say nothing, it is not my job to always keep a conversation going, although I will happily contribute. I do not “fit” with every group of people, there are plenty of people out there who are nothing like me. Whats important is that I am comfortable with who I am, that I like me. If I do make a “goofball” of myself no one will really care if I’m the one laughing about it. No explanation is required. Relax, be yourself, smile and have no expectations from others. It helps to remember people’s names, also by repeating back to others what they have said to you, but in a different way, you can show understanding, possibly even expressing an interest in the topic and asking questions. Even if your response is not what they meant and may require further explanation from them, this is also conversation. Create your own environment and enjoy, this is your world.