Thankyou for your kind words Annie, they are very much appreciated. I have been pursuing some interests and am having some success in dealing with my situation. I am finding that being busy really does help keep me from dwelling on my misfortunes. I am trying to become more involved in community activities and am spending more time on attempting the things which interest me, sometimes enlightening, sometimes quite comical, yet all worth doing. I still have to say that some things are easier said than done, yet I have hope now. Something that has been lacking for me in recent years and something I wasn’t even aware I had lost. At the moment I am dealing with some of my fears, fear of public speaking, fear of being judged, fear of failure, etc. My fears are based on preconceived opinions about myself and my abilities, in short my fears are probably the greatest obstacle I have faced, probably in my entire life, they have kept me bound. The interests which extend beyond my comfort zones I am definately learning the most from, it is quite entertaining feeling awkward and clumsy, in retrospect anyway, yet the doors which will open just from me challenging my own beliefs, my own reality, were beyond my comprehension a very short time ago. I know that I have much to learn, and I have the desire to grow. I’m pretty sure it was Einstein who said “Imagination is more important than knowledge”. Now if I could only dare to dream…..

Fancy me stumbling across this…I am from New Zealand too – South Island :-)

They are incredibly profound words you have written and sometimes it takes a major life change for us to take time to reflect on things. Clearly you have done that and done so admirably.

All good things to you as you continue on this journey. Your children have a fantastic dad as their role model.

Bye for now, and I hope all good things come your way.

Annie

I just noticed that part of my mantra is incorrect. It should read honesty = integrity = self worth = success. Thanks again.

An interesting and informative blog. Me, being whom I am, feel obliged to add my two cents. I have had to move across the country I live in (New Zealand), give up my home and my business in order to be near my children, this happened when my ex-partner decided to leave me. She believed that I would not give up my assets or relocate to the area she has chosen to reside in. I now find myself $80,000 in debt and in family court regulary in my attempts to know my children. I would like to state that I have never physically harmed, lied to or cheated on my ex. I have been here for a year now and still have not developed any meaningful relationships. I am old enough to realise that strong friendships do not happen overnight, I have always liked who I am and am not overly concerned by this fact. I am of the opinion that there are two types of people in this world, those that build you up and those that tear you down, the more people whom I know who build me up the more I will become, the more I can realise my own potential. I am not interested in jealous people or people who attract alot of drama into their lives, they are not ready to receive or grow, they attempt to bring me down thier own level and hence justify their own opinions, values and existance. I do not think the difficulty lies in relationships but more in my inability to understand my own desires and passions. By becoming pro-active in my own development I actively seek out things that interest me, my self-worth extends from my own integrity. My personal mantra is honesty = self-worth = integrity = success. By taking the time to learn the things which have always interested me I become more than what I was, we all have things which have interested us, even if it’s just something we saw on tv and thought “wow”. I think the real secret to having a life lies in taking responsibility for my life, the good and the bad. When I was younger (I just recently turned 40!) I couldn’t walk into a bar without every gorilla in the room grunting at me, it took many years for me to realise that I attracted this response, that it was my attitude when entering the bar which triggered this response. In some respects I write these comments for myself, it is a good way for me to clarify my own feelings and thoughts over my current predicament. In order for me to move forward I must actively pursue my interests, even if it is just to discover that I am not really that interested at all. I must accept my own circumstances and acknowledge my responsibilty for those circumstances, good and bad. I believe self-worth is directly linked to self-esteem and confidence, I do not need others to validate my existance. By being whom I am I attract others into my world, I have something to offer, I can then chose to maintain these relationships or dismiss them, without consequence or regret. It is wrong to trust too much, initially. It is my fault if I allow this to happen and end up getting hurt. My fear at the moment is that I will never find my soul mate, that by being content with my own company and not “putting myself out there” I shall never find the true happiness which we all deserve. It is for this reason that I must try, each day I try to to be a better me, even if I fail it does not matter, so long as tomorrow I try again. I am not desperate for love or anything else for that matter, and my burdens in life are not as great as some. What I believe defines my reality, I am very aware of own self talk. The more honest I can be with myself the more honest I am with the world at large. I try not to run myself down, when this does happen I seek the “why am I doing this to myself?” and try not to validate the negative comments. It is easier to wallow in self pity and escape reality in alcohol than it is acknowledge and understand the reasons I feel the way I feel. I guess what I need to do is accept that this is my life, that who I am is more important than who I know, that my reality is my responsibility and that change will not occur unless I change. Thankyou for allowing me to find a place to put my thoughts, it would seem that, as with many of life’s questions, my solution was inside me the whole time.