It’s not who you are that holds you back, it’s who you think you’re not.
– Author Unknown
If your primary goal in life is to meet an amazing woman, you probably won’t.
Setting out on a mission to find a girlfriend is like starting a company to get rich: It focusses you on the wrong things and you eventually realize that the game you’re playing isn’t worth winning.
When money is your center of gravity, you make decisions based on dollars rather than sense. Instead of being a Merchant of Wow
, you become a Merchant of Ow, building boring, ugly, and painful things, hoping you might flip before you flop. By trading passion for profit you confine yourself to mediocrity, blazing a trail to unhappiness and unwealth as you sink ever deeper into spiritual overdraft.
Likewise, when you make women your focal point, you let go of your I. Instead of asking what you want most in life, you ask what women want most in life: What traits do women find attractive in a man? What kind of social events do hot women go to? What kind of hobbies do women consider sexy? What should I say to a girl when I approach her? Will she be turned off if I do XYZ?
Questions are like shovels: they unearth the truth. But when you ask questions like these, you dig your own grave.
There Is No Secret
In How to Meet Women Without Really Trying, I suggested that the best way to meet women is by talking to them. This advice is so simple that it’s almost impossible to understand.
I’ve experienced the entire spectrum of success with women, from being a chess-playing, virgin, overweight cookie monster in high school all the way to where I am now, where I don’t even think about meeting girls anymore and It Just Happens. I know how easy–and, more importantly, how hard–it is to accept and apply the idea of meeting girls by talking to them.
What do I mean by “talk” to women? What do you say? What’s the best opener? What do you say after that? Where do you meet them? How do you get them interested in you? How do you ask for their number? How can you possibly meet hot girls without using magic potions and super sekrit seduction techniques?
To demystify the mechanics of making a connection, I’ll describe exactly how I met the girl I’m currently dating. I’ll include some philosophical context to paint the bigger picture that led to us finding, meeting, and connecting with each other.
This story is only coincidentally about seduction. It’s really more a tale of me just living my life, and how that inevitably leads to meeting charming and beautiful creatures.
Shared Interests Are Everything
I never go out to meet girls anymore. The success or failure of my social engagements is never measured by how many approaches I did (ugh), how many numbers I walked away with (ugh!), or how many kisses I got (UGH!@#*!).
Every activity I’m involved in is fueled by self-interest. For example, I organize a personal growth group in Montreal because I want to surround myself with like-minded, positive people, and create an environment that promotes the conscious pursuit of happiness. The more I care about that goal, the better the group gets. I’m helping organize BarCamp Canada, a geek conference coming up later this year, because I’m interested in helping smart people talk to others about what they’re working on. And every article on this blog is, first and foremost, a letter written to myself. Writing helps me crystallize my thoughts and make sense of my experiences. I use my content to build traffic, rather than letting traffic build my content.
The natural consequence of defining your own hierarchy of values and pursuing them to your utmost ability is that you meet people who share those interests. For example, by stepping up to volunteer for BarCamp, I’ve created the opportunity to work with smart hackers. My choice to start a personal growth group has resulted in forming friendships with some hot girls and cool guys. From there I get invited to parties and other social events, which leads to meeting more interesting people. And, of course, starting this blog has added a whole new dimension to my world.
Which brings me to how I met Mary.
Seduction Secret #172: Live Your Own Life
Mary was yet another girl I crossed paths with while doing something that mattered to me.
You may remember that a few months ago I did a 30-day trial on learning to cook. Since I started from almost zero, I had to make regular trips to a funky little kitchen boutique nearby for crockery and cookware.
I was in there a few times a week during the challenge. The girls that worked there were really sweet and we started talking more and more. My requests for kitchen advice eventually led to discussions about the rest of our lives. I told them about 30 sleeps and how I was learning to cook, and we all got more interested in each other.
There was one girl in particular there who caught my eye. She had dark hair, a pretty face, a gorgeous body, and radiated an irresistibly feminine sparkle. We never got around to exchanging names, though I couldn’t help but make a mental note of her.
Eventually, I completed the 30-day challenge and my culinary needs died down. Time passed. Life went on. I didn’t get around to the store much anymore, but I kept bumping into that cute girl around the neighbourhood.
Girl Approaches Guy, Film at 11
One day I got an email from a reader of my blog. She told me that my articles inspired her. She confessed a little embarrassment to be writing me out of the blue, but said she had just read my article How to Get a Life and found it really interesting. One of the points I make in that article is how powerful it can be to just email someone you want to get in touch with. That’s exactly what made her decide to email me.
But it wasn’t until I reached the bottom of the email that I finally put two and two together.
“I hope you haven’t stopped cooking!” she said. Signed Mary.
Opportunity Will Knock
When opportunity knocks, you either answer the door, or you light up your internet connection and spank away your sorrows. So a few days later, I invited her out to a social gathering and things took off from there.
Of course, I’m not suggesting that pursuing your goals will make the women you desire chase after you. In most cases, you’ll have to make the first move. But shared interests plant the seeds for a healthy social life, and a healthy social life plants the seeds for a healthy sex life. 99% of the girls you meet will never end up in your bedroom, and that’s fine. Mary is the one girl I did connect with out of the dozens and dozens (and dozens) that I didn’t.
You don’t need pickup skills to meet girls; you need goals that have absolutely nothing to do with girls. Attracting worthwhile women into your life happens only when you throw the entire force of your existence into creating a life that matters.
Glad to see you back on track!
I don’t suppose that’s a picture of Mary in the article? ;)
Anyway, I’ve always wondered something while reading your articles about girls. You’re completely open about your writing and most of the girls you’ve dated have probably read through at least some of your content. Have you gotten weird reactions some times?
Specifically, do they tend to feel neglected or uninportant after reading your articles?
I know a few girls who would probably react like that, so I’m just curious to hear of your experiences…
@Robert:
No, that’s not Mary. Even though I met her a while ago, I’ve only been seeing her for a little over a month. No pictures yet.
Every girl I’ve dated since starting this blog has read and loved it. Even Mary was starting to get frustrated at me for not writing for a while. ;)
I make it clear up front with every girl I meet that radical honesty is my only policy. Anyone who can handle that can handle 30zzz.
wooooo welcome back Brad :p
when I’ve opened my feed reader lately I’ve often wondered what pearls of wisdom you were going to share with us next.
I really like your take on the whole sarging / the game community. I’ve read the game and mysterys book and it opened up all sorts of ideas and viewpoints.
One that really isn’t discussed that I think you’ve hit on is authenticity. Focus on building your self-rapport and being happy and that in itself attracts people to you.
cheers again and take it easy!
I was worried you’d quit writing. Glad to see your back!
Hi Brad,
I had subscribed to your blog, and it was nice to see a new post pop up. You’re a great source of motivational energy, and I like immersing myself in this kind of content.
I have to make this comment though. I did a Computer Science degree in London, and out of 120 people, there were about 5 girls.
I have been active in lots of conferences and meetups and I’m a social guy. But in most meetups, it’s 95% men.
Now, it’s not actually even so much the imbalance that gets to me. I’m wired to disregard odds and go for the prize.
The problem is, I’m most attractive to women that aren’t like me. When I’ve been in more balanced settings, it’s been very clear to me that I’m far more attractive to the liberal arts kind of girls than the business/tech focused girls.
So that’s the crux of my disagreement with your post. If you’re the kind of guy that, like me, likes girls with different interests, then the advice of trying to find someone with shared interests is not productive.
I’ve always had the greatest success precisely when I’ve not persued my own interests, and gone to mixers where people attend for no specific reasons. Like a university party. Or a bar, or a barbeque.
In fact, it was only when I specifically decided to go to places that were nothing to do with my own interests that I really began to enjoy the vast gamut of both women and people that exist in the world, and my life and love life is richer for it.
I’m happy for you that you found a girl through your interest in cooking. But I doubt such serendipity would be bestowed upon someone following their interest in COBOL programming.
Perhaps it was a freudian slip, but the comment above meant to say:
When I’ve been in more balanced settings, it’s been very clear to me that I’m far more attractED to the liberal arts kind of girls than the business/tech focused girls.
Thus, the counter productive nature of following my interests instead of mixing more broadly.
It’d be nice if I was into cooking or something else more female friendly, but it just doesn’t interest me. Therefore I have the choice of following my interests which result in me separating myself from the female population, or not following my interests either actively by persuing female friendly activities, or passively by just mixing generally.
I think the problem is that when you do meet a girl, it feels so effortless that you perhaps ignore the conditions that led to the odds being in your favour but stacked against somebody else that had different persuits.
Since I’m involved in the seduction community I disagree with your take on meeting women JUST this way.
You are absolutely right when you essentially say that “getting a life” makes you a more attractive person for potential friends as well as the other sex. Also I agree with your idea that the less you focus on your success with girls or let’s better say the less you define your success and self-worth by getting the girls, the more you will succeed with them.
On the other hand just being an interesting person with success and constant development in life won’t guarantee you success with the other sex.
There are loads of people out there who are quite successful but they fail miserably with girls because this may have been an area of their life in which they never got successful or even comfortable, causing them to break all “laws of attraction” over and over again, even if they may have all the benefits of a “well developed” lifestyle.
My opinion is that your passive approach towards finding a suitable woman will only occasionally lead to encounters with desirable women, while you completely miss out on the ones which might even be more attractive and suitable for you. For somebody who wants to settle with a woman and already has some experience in the world of sex and relationships maybe a good and time-saving approach.
But for someone as young as me with the desire to meet lots of different women in order satisfy this huge area of my life and persona, which I missed out on for so many years due to a lack of success and low self-esteem… definitely not the most rewarding approach.
Even with success in life the sex-and-relationship issue won’t necessarily handle itself.
Cheers,
Rick from Germany
Hey Rick from Germany, if you do ever return to the post, let me in on some of the tips you’ve got and what your source is. thanks
Hi Kay,
sharing the major tips here would be a waste of my time since there are quite a lot and also because you can read them somewhere else better articulated.
Now when it comes to the selection of a source it becomes difficult because there are countless sources of “Pickup ideas” out there and like Brad said every “Pickup school” is always eager to get your VISA digits.
I prefer to cherry pick the best ideas from different sources in order to boil them down into something that serves my individual way of handling things.
If this is your first contact with the seduction community and you would like to know more about this topic, you should read “The Game”. It is not a how-to book but a very fun read about the heights and pitfalls you will experience if you decide to give this “lifestyle” a shot. Just search for some info about this book and decide if it’s worth your time.
If you decide not to get engaged with the community this book will not be wasted money because it tells the true and quite fun story of how things typically are in the seduction community. It’s never wrong to know something about this “movement”, especially since it is growing exponentially and getting somewhat influential over the years.
It would definitely be a mistake to be completely oblivious about the community.
Cheers,
Rick
@Drew:
I’m a technologist/creative generalist who is all too familiar with a lack of opportunities to connect with the opposite sex. And, like you, I prefer to meet girls with different interests.
But that begs the question: What’s the point of meeting a girl with different interests if you didn’t also plan to learn more about her world, and thus deepen your connection?
The experience I describe above came from simply pursuing that variety from the inside out, wandering around my own inner space and pushing my own limits rather than waiting for someone else to give me a reason to do so. Rather than limiting myself to the definition of “Ruby on Rails coder” (or, much worse, COBOL programmer!), I’ve used my Weird Idea Radar to explore the full extent of my curiosity with life. See:
http://30sleeps.com/blog/2007/10/19/finding-your-passion/
A proactive interest in the world is full of social nutrients; it’s also an “easy” way to flood your reality with a wide range of fascinating people.
@Rick:
That talk about “successful” but unable to meet women is a common misdirection used by the seduction community.
What they usually mean by “successful” is “has a high-paying job and cool furniture.” That definition of “success” leaves plenty of room for an empty sex life.
To me, successful means “living the life you intend.” It’s up to every individual to decide–among other things–how much money that requires, where one would live, and whether that ideal includes a long-term, monogamous relationship or something else.
This approach is also anything but passive. Meeting interesting people requires massive action and sustained energy, invested in challenging pursuits.
Another great update! Understandable that you didn’t have time to update content for awhile seeing that you’ve been so busy PLUS a new girl in the picture.
Brad,
You’re right that if pursued interests are broad enough, it can be ensured that you don’t limit yourself to heavily male dominated environments.
To me, this is like telling a Porsche salesman that is not having much success knocking on doors in a trailer park that if he goes to a broader range of areas, he’ll have more success.
Well, I can’t argue with that logic.
But, to me, it’s only a tenth of the required solution.
Why not have a plan. Why not explore new areas, realise the strategic mistake of trying to knock on trailer doors, and try knocking on doors in Beverly Hills.
Once you’re successful in Beverly Hills, why then go back to knocking on doors in a broad range of areas when you can apply a deliberate strategy and knock on doors in specifically identified affluent areas.
In fact, why not deliberately explore the strategy further and try something other than knocking on doors.
In fact, why not realise that you’re not the only person to ever attempt selling Porsches, and intelligently observe the actions of those other salesmen that are already successful doing what you’re tring to do.
Why be satisfied with applying a shotgun approach, when you can be deliberate?
Why not go the extra mile for something as important as finding the woman you want to spend the rest if your life with?
When is the next update coming? Love your stuff.
Hi Brad, I just found your blog while doing some research on the issue of attracting women, so are you saying that the best way to meet women is by not trying to meet them or what?
i have been drunk for days i need help ! my kid s are mad as hell at .please give some help and sorport thanks dave.
I like your stuff, but what’s up with not updating your content. Need to write some new posts.
Check out my online magazine
Common Sense Magazine (online magazine about politics, sports, and occasionally finance)
http://www.commonsensemag.com
and my podcast Rational Rants with Nick Pardini Podcast
http://commonsensemag.com/feed/podcast
Hey Brad,
You probably don’t remember me but I’ve commented on one of your posts before how 300sleeps helped break out of my shell and be more out going.
And one think I have to say is: Thank you.
It’s a constant battle with myself and my insecurities but over the last 6 months I’ve made great strides toward being who I want to be and it shows.
I’ve dated women I wouldn’t have dared date before, kissed beautiful women, met girls on buses, I’ve got more friends, hell even my basketball game has gotten better :-)
I’ve learn (partly from you, but also from pure observation and reasoning) that being a “man” is all about honesty with yourself and others.
This realization carried so much freedom within it and even though you and I might disagree on specifics of our own personal beliefs (I for example am a believer in monogamy) I can say that I 100% agree with you man.
Right now I’m seeing a girl who I wouldn’t be even able to handle 6 months ago, who I’m totally bananas for :-) and I owe a lot of it to 30sleeps.
I humbly thank you,
John
P.S- Any advice on long term relationships? ;-)
You have the best blog on the web. But I’m not going to bother checking for updates anymore. Thanks for all of your awesome work though.
This blog is gone forever. Apparently, Brad got bored of it. As we can read from his posts, one of the constants in Brad’s life is to start projects and abandon them after some time. It was just a matter of time to see the end of 30 Sleeps.
I will miss such gems as “Social Skydiving: The Art of Talking to Strangers” or “Achieving the Impossible” just to mention a couple. With his great style, humour, and wit he could have make this blog one of the top blogs in personal development.
@Brad (if he ever reads this):
Thank you sharing with us your his wisdom and inspiring us to get the best of our lives. Good luck on all your endeavors !!!
Well, he’s written some great articles. Hopefully the blog will stay around for a while. Perhaps Brad might occasionally return for a new article…
Hey Brad, I just found 30sleeps because a friend has been raving about it. Excellent article, I look forward to reading the backlog.
Its good to hear about others coming to some of the same conclusions that I did just six months ago. Its been just over a year since I took inspiration from the pickup community and began learning how to change my life concerning the opposite sex. Seven months of that year have been spent in a fabulous relationship with an older woman that is absolutely smitten with me. It was quite entertaining to learn that relationships are much easier than I ever could have imagined.
The best advice that I can give to another man in the situation I formerly occupied is: tend first to yourself.
You can bet I’ll be back to check out future installments at 30sleep! Take care.
Thanks, Brad, for this illuminating post.
Funnily enough I have recently just come to the same conclusion as you, live your life and focus on what *I* want from it.
Great stuff. Hope it works out with you and Mary! :-)
Steve
Hey Brad,
I don’t even remember how I came across your blog.
But “Hey Man” great stuff.
You are obviously hip to Brad Blanton and My friend David X and Stephane Hemon from Ideagasms.
I like the way you have taken the concepts way past you got it. We do that in the music biz.
It is amazing to me how all you cats from Montreal, Quebec, and etc are so advanced.
This fucking bible belt in the US is a mess,
Have you read “The Function of the Orgasm” by Wilhelm Reich?
I can tell from your work you would love it.
Great Work Brad,
Much Love,
Eric
http://www.erickeyes.com
Having a purpose and mission in life is primary and very important.
What Drew mentioned above is “right on” and I see his point as well.
I have a question for you:
If you had to pick one:
1. Would you have your cock and balls cut off?
or
2. Run this website?
I will play fair and answer as well.
I have been playing guitar for 25 years. If it comes down to being this question for me.
You can have my guitars. All of them.
Radical Honesty,
EK
[...] Bollenbach presents How to Meet Women Without Really Trying – An Example posted at 30 [...]
Great post! And I have to agree with you. The best way to meet women is by being yourself. Women will sniff out fakes in 2 seconds flat! When you try too hard your just not enjoying yourself and lose the focus of the task at hand. I’m sure we’ve all seen people who are just too nice and how annoying that can be. And, if you are succesfull at meeting a woman by projecting a different image than what you really are, just keep in mind that there will be some disapointment when the true you finally comes out! BTW, please don’t take this as a cheap ploy to drag visits to my site but I’m a former chef and post quick and easy recipes once a week especially for guys who don’t know how to cook but still want to impress women with their cooking skills!
Playing guitar impresses more then “The Function of the Orgasm” by Wilhelm Reich. And cooking is not the last thing in this battle.
Sure, if your interests include cooking, astrology or salsa dancing, that might work, at least once every dozens (and dozens) opportunities. Good luck applying this “method” if you happen to be closer to the average red blooded straight male, interested in, say, grappling, FPS games and WW2 history.
what happens when your not concentrating on girls and your concentrating on life and you still fail at meeting girls.
Man, I like this article. I notice my successes come when I’m not focused on females, money, etc. When I just flow and live my life everything is easier.